Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

I had a first cousin match, who was actually my half-aunt, so it may not be due to an unknown full sibling.

My grandad had another child during his second marriage. He raised her as his step-child, and we'll never know if they knew the truth. My half-aunt didn't know until she matched with me and my dad, her half- brother, on ancestry. It was a welcome surprise to the family, especially her.

It’s a proverb, fitting for the conversation.

Translation: don’t poke into what isn’t yours.
Modern advice: Don’t ruin other people’s lives to feed the soap opera-hungry crowd online.
But if your goal is to encourage OP to stir family chaos for anonymous gossip, carry on. 🙃

I’d probably tell my brother quietly and go from there. If he knows and doesn’t want to be involved, then I wouldnt communicate with the match. If he doesn’t know, let him have time and space to make his own decision. Explain that you’re only telling him as you are worried he doesn’t know and couldn’t keep something like that from him, but you won’t tell the rest of the family.

Oh, thank you for that perspective - am glad it was a welcome surprise for your family! It's interesting, yes, throws a different light on it if it's a different relationship from the one being presented as most likely. Need to think about what that potentially could be in this situation as my mum is showing as full aunt to this first cousin too, which took us down the road of her having a full sibling somehow. And the first cousin I thought I had is showing as my mum being half aunt and half first cousin to my siblings and me. It's all very confusing!

I don't know if it's already been suggested, but there's a great podcast called "The Gift" that deals with this type of situation. It's well worth a listen while you decide what to do.

My husband found out he had an unknown cousin through Ancestry. His uncle didn't know he had had a child as the mother had kept it a secret. My DH asked his mum to break the news. There have been some meetups since and I suppose a happy ending out it all?

OP, how many cm is the match?

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread also seems apt

Forcing a disclosure before a birth, shortly after a birth, or at any other time is not a good way to address that problem.

There are women out there whose husbands, fathers, or brothers would literally murder them for being the victim of a rape. The cute euphemism used is "honour killing". We might think those men are savages who shouldn't act like that, but it's the women who pay the price when they do and the women who need to be protected.

I’d tell my brother, either he will know or he won’t and will want to know

I think since she’s contacted you, can’t you just get a bit more information from her? Ie be open that you don’t know ‘the story’ and ask if she could say a bit more? Then you will have information with which to decide next steps, without impacting others yet. Also you can show kindness and compassion to her to make it a worthwhile interaction for her.

Both DNA testing at birth to look for potential illnesses and also compulsory parental DNA testing to confirm the parents are who they claim they are.
It can destroy lives if a partner or a child finds out their child / father is not actually genetically or family linked to them.

Again, some children conceived in marriage are the product of rape by a third party and the woman's life may be at risk if the rape becomes known to her spouse or family. You have no right to demand a policy that risks women's lives like that.

Such a policy is also discriminatory against Jews because of the profound consequences to a child who is found to be a mamzer and all that child's descendents, forever.

No one has answered this yet, but how do you suggest we identify the true father if the mother won't say/doesn't know/can't remember?

Nonsense, times have moved on, information cannot be hidden, those days have gone.

New generations will have to accept things cannot be covered indefinitely, whatever the reasons for hiding the parentage of a child, I'm afraid those facts will have to be taken into account when you procreate, I'm sure newer generations will have the ability to cope with this.

This girl actively put her details onto a genetics site, aparently she knows who her father is, it does sound like maybe she's affraid of upsetting her mother or unsuspecting father of the truth.

This girl has every right to know who her real parents are, no matter who this upsets.

This happened to my dh. Found out he has a half-sister. His dad died 30 years ago so we’ll never get answers. The truth is, it would have been better for my family to have never found out.. she’s bought nothing but turmoil.

If the baby is DNA tested at birth then a paternal DNA test is easy to integrate into it to make sure he is the father that he will be paying for for the next 18 years.

Yes, this is how it will be, most men would not want to pay for a child who is not theirs.

I really don't believe that many women cheat. And even if they do, how many would then trick their partner into believing the baby is his instead of having an abortion?

A paternal DNA test can only confirm whether Man A is or is not the father if the following three conditions are all true:

1. the mother is willing to name Man A,
2. the mother is able to name Man A, and
3. Man A is willing to give a DNA sample.

In the case of a one-night-stand, the mother might not know who Man A is, preventing (2).

In the case of a rape, she might not know or might not want to say, preventing (1) and (2). If her family are the "honour killing" type, it could risk her life to say. If she's Jewish, disclosing a rape could deny her child and all its descendents marriage within the Jewish community.

Just checking that you know that this is on mumsnet.com social media ? I saw it on facebook this afternoon. Your relation probably did too.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate There are women out there whose husbands, fathers, or brothers would literally murder them for being the victim of a rape. The cute euphemism used is "honour killing".

Perhaps instead of using the existence of those men to justify children not knowing who their father is, we should lock those men up so that they no longer pose a threat to society.

The problem with that plan is that they have to kill at least once before we can lock them up. Can you honestly not see how this is dangerous to women?

Perhaps instead of using the existence of those men to justify children not knowing who their father is, we should lock those men up so that they no longer pose a threat to society.

How do you know who they are?

And demonstrating that a particular man is not the father of a child doesn't tell you who is the father. The mother herself may not know who is the father.

This happened to me, only I found out my dad isn’t my bio Dad. It’s been horrendous, but I’ve not said a word as my parents have been married 60 years. It would break my Dads heart.

It’s been three years and I’ve learned to live with it, though it’s not easy as I have two half sisters out there who know nothing about me! Maybe one day when no one will get hurt.

My newly found bio dad died in the 90’s. I am in touch with his sister I matched with, and I trust her, she’s lovely. But otherwise it’s under wraps for the better good.

A blinking bombshell of a shock though!!!