Should I have said anything?

[ThatCoralKoala]

I took my child to a summer party and was sat talking to her with my little one on my shoulder (no raised voices and no crying or anything). I was telling her to pass me her sweet before she ran off dancing or to eat it first because they’d asked the children not to eat sweets while dancing. A volunteer (a woman in her 60s) came up behind me and grabbed my daughter’s arm and said “come dance with me”. I explained I had the situation under control and she just wanted to play while eating. She said “give the sweet to mummy” but when I again explained I have it under control myself she took her to the dance floor and began waving her arms around. My daughter is 2 for reference. In the end I had to go over and take my daughter away and ignore the woman until she left. The party overall was lovey but I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how upset I was that she’d grabbed my daughter without her or my consent. I don’t doubt that she meant well but it didn’t make it right and I don’t want other parents feeling uncomfortable too. I sent the venue a message and asked could they speak to the volunteer and let her know that touching children without parent consent is too far. They’ve replied to say she is mortified, won’t volunteer again and because she’s a key part of organising that they won’t do events again. I feel awful now that the children’s events won’t be run again and my intention was only to ensure the volunteer didn’t overstep boundaries in future unintentionally

Those saying the OP could have been more sensitive or that she over-reacted…well, bugger me. The volunteer could have been 1000x more sensitive when OP said “nah, I’ve got this. Don’t”, and, by the same token, the volunteer AND organisation massively over-reacted. The organisation could have simply relayed to the volunteer “oh hey, btw got some informal feedback. Don’t drag kids from their parents when the parent has said no.” and/or the volunteer could have been professional enough not to flounce.

There was a thread the other day about how volunteers should be treated (and also generally by MN consensus behaved) as if they were paid employees. Can’t see an employee flouncing over this in the real world.

Quite.

it’s clearly not the event for you, these people will have put a huge amount of work into it.

have you ever done such an event?

it’s really sad.

that aside, it’s a huge over reaction on her part as well, those of us who do run such things are fairly adaptable at dealing with such events.

a more normal reaction would be to take on board how some parents react and move on.

not seen it with an attempt to involve a child before, but seen it around snacks. Volunteer events, parents moaning about snacks, type of snacks, allergies without confirming there was one, location of snacks, colour of snacks, so on so on.

cups, that’s another one, type of cups.

hot drinks only being allowed in one area, where children are not allowed to be.

the list is endless.

I do (think OP is in the wrong).

The woman was over-enthusiastic and perhaps tone-deaf. Perhaps OP found her an irritating busybody. But she was a volunteer, giving up her time to organise something that made a lot of people happy, not a professional.

If OP felt that strongly about it she should have just said "No, thank you, and please don’t touch my child" (which to me sounds crazy in these circumstances) and got her DD back.

I find this "no adult (even an older woman) must ever touch my child without my permission, even though I’m right there watching" absolutely ridiculous. What sort of a society do we want to live in? One so regulated and sanitised that ordinary human interaction isn't allowed?

The poor woman.

I think you have massively over-reacted by emailing to complain about this person. It’s just so trivial to complain about this. Some people have real problems.

Well she won't be touching anyone child again because she wont be volunteering at or organising any nice cheap/free community events.

I get she didnt judge it perfectly but honestly....it was a safe child friendly space and she probably thought she was giving you a break.

You did what you felt you had to 🤷🏻‍♀️ and it seems there are several other ma baby ma rulz mums here who agree with you, but even so I think you should have said something at the time vs submit a formal complaint.

I also agree with all this
"All the unpaid work she puts in for the benefit of her local community and this is how she is repaid"
That women is probably cried herself to sleep.

It makes me sad this is the kind of society we live in now.

I think if you are going to a kids summer party with volunteer staff then there is a level of implied consent that the volunteers will interact with the kids. Life thus far should have taught you that some people are over enthusiastic or tone deaf or a bit odd - if you want to avoid people like that then for the love of God don’t go to children’s parties staffed by volunteers. Things like “I had the situation under control” betray things - such as you thought you were in a situation whereas the volunteer probably thought she was at a fun event for kids, and you thought “control” was paramount whereas the volunteer was maybe more focussed on partying. My children have benefitted enormously from other adults volunteering over the years from breastfeeding support to job interview practice with multiple sports and activities in between. I haven’t liked every single one or agree with every single thing they have done but unless there was an actual real safeguarding issue I would not criticise this army of (often women in their +60s) people who have been my “village”. My kids lives would be poorer without them so who cares if I don’t approve of every single spontaneous little comment or action they do. Somebody “overstepped” when trying to be kind - so what?

This is a more articulate version of what i was trying to say....

Perfectly put.

If this is the outcome I’m going to guess that your email wasn’t as gentle as your post here. Poor lady, volunteering to help out and now feeling awful. I get what you’re saying about her being overbearing but was it worth making a complaint about?

Tend to agree with this.

Even if the woman had been really over the top, I doubt I would have complained because I probably would have foreseen that that would be the outcome. And in the grand scheme of things, I think everyone would prefer the events to continue, even if one volunteer was a bit over zealous / annoying or whatever.

As long as the person wasn’t an actual threat to my child, I wouldn’t have complained.

Also, I would always be very wary of complaining about a volunteer. Society desperately needs these people giving up their time for others.

...was it worth making a complaint about?

Of course it was. In fact, it's so not in character for women in my part of the world that I'm sitting here wondering if the 'woman' had a penis.

Good grief.

🙄

Was your child upset? Did she not want to dance with the lady? If she willingly went as the woman gently took her hand and then looked happy and comfortable dancing, I don't think it's that bad is it?

You say she was 'waving her arms around'. Would you rather she was doing the cha cha slide or an Irish jig?

I get you felt a bit put out but to have complained I think is a bit over the top if your child was happy with the encounter. And it was clearly meant without malice.

You could've had a polite word at the time if it was that unsettling.

I think it’s really interesting that the woman did something really inappropriate, she then chose to quit. And now pp are talking about that poor woman and op overreacted.
no one made her grab a child and no one made her ignore the parent of that child and no one made her quit. I think the woman is the one who needs to get a grip really.
if someone grabbed my child after I’d said multiple times that I was dealing with them, I wouldn’t have been as polite as op.

name calling.

I dont think its "interesting"

She did something she thought was KIND and got told she was an boundary squashing arsehole with room temperature EQ for her troubles...

If this happened to me I would quit too...I think most people would instead of carrying on giving time and energy to help an ungrateful community and organising events you previously enjoyed but where you are now scared to breath least you offend someone...

It really doesn’t matter if the child wanted to go or not. The child’s parent was dealing with the child.

Should I have said anything?
a) yes, at the time - in situ.
b) no, not afterwards as a complaint.

I do get that. But the party organiser was clearly trying to help as she saw OP also had a smaller baby. I just think a complaint is a bit OTT if no harm was done.

It's not OP's fault that this volunteer chose to quit though. And it's unprofessional that the place shared that info with her anyway tbh. They should just said she left if that. She could've just received some further training. Or maybe they sacked her. But that's not the issue.

I don't think anyone grabbed the child, to be honest.

You went too far OP. You didn’t need to email the venue and complain about this woman. You just didn’t:

Every overstep/miss step / issue doesn’t need to result in a complaint.

Seriously what society have we become to let things bother us (fine), complain about them (fine) but then need others to feel what you felt and complain.

So now do you feel vindicated? No other everts are going to take place instead of you just saying directly to leave your daughter alone.

Well, I'm nearly 50, and when I tell another adult not to take my kid away with them, I expect them to listen.

‘I do get that. But…’

And therein lies the whole problem.

The woman heard OP But

You saw OP said no But

There is no room for But - nobody should be ignoring the parent because they think better

Totally agree.

context is key here as well. It wasn’t a random person in a park. It was a volunteer at an event the OP chose to go to who was encouraging her child to take part.

like a teacher would at a dance class, or a volunteer at a village show.

say at the time, please don’t touch my child, but to email afterwards. No.