Should I have said anything?

[ThatCoralKoala]

I took my child to a summer party and was sat talking to her with my little one on my shoulder (no raised voices and no crying or anything). I was telling her to pass me her sweet before she ran off dancing or to eat it first because they’d asked the children not to eat sweets while dancing. A volunteer (a woman in her 60s) came up behind me and grabbed my daughter’s arm and said “come dance with me”. I explained I had the situation under control and she just wanted to play while eating. She said “give the sweet to mummy” but when I again explained I have it under control myself she took her to the dance floor and began waving her arms around. My daughter is 2 for reference. In the end I had to go over and take my daughter away and ignore the woman until she left. The party overall was lovey but I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how upset I was that she’d grabbed my daughter without her or my consent. I don’t doubt that she meant well but it didn’t make it right and I don’t want other parents feeling uncomfortable too. I sent the venue a message and asked could they speak to the volunteer and let her know that touching children without parent consent is too far. They’ve replied to say she is mortified, won’t volunteer again and because she’s a key part of organising that they won’t do events again. I feel awful now that the children’s events won’t be run again and my intention was only to ensure the volunteer didn’t overstep boundaries in future unintentionally

Actually they need to be reminded not to ignore parents. I would have emailed it in the form of feedback because people need to understand this.

I’m 62. I teach Safeguarding.

This Volunteer stepped over the mark as she should have recovered Mum’s wishes. However, OP has been ridiculous in her complaint and should have done more at that moment.

What is the relevance of asking? I like to have the full picture. Age and any other information IS relevant. Your post, on the other hand, is (like mine), totally irrelevant.

I think you massively over reacted

She's a volunteer at children's party's, she's just trying to entertain the children and help out

You took it as an insult, when it wasn't, and thats made you stew. Perhaps she overstepped the mark but a complaint was not warranted. I think you also could have been clearer in the moment you didn't want her dancing with your child, it's a bit off to not address something face to face and then complaint

I also dont early see what the big issue was in the first place with a volunteer at a childrens party dancing with your child. She was in view of you, and is a DBs checked so not a safeguarding problem. I think it's a bit of an overreaction in the first place to not want her to touch your child (you don't don't anything about how your child took this woman dancing with them)

For goodness sake, it wasn’t some random pae** in the street, it was a volunteer there solely for the purpose of the children at the party and to encourage them to enjoy themselves!

I think you should contact the venue again and apologise profusely! I’m concerned about the impact on the poor volunteer who was only doing their (UNPAID!!!) job

I don't believe for a single second she actually 'grabbed' your child though.

if anyone 'grabbed' my child their jaw would be wrapped around my fist.

I think you overreacted and liked the drama of it tbh.

Me too. Such an unhinged reaction.

I’m sitting here thinking when did everybody get so unhinged? OK, perhaps not unhinged but this whole situation with the OP

I’m in my early 50s (slightly relevant) but I would never have acted like that if that happened at a child’s party I would’ve encouraged my son to go off and dance. Not that he would’ve needed any encouragement lol but making a complaint wouldn’t even cross my mind.

I think adding the age into it was a low grade ageist blow.. completely irrelevant (coming from a 31 year old!)

I think emailing the organisers was OTT, but it also sounds like they have been potentially OTT in how they have spoken to her. She has been left "mortified" and doesn't want to volunteer again - it seems a bigger deal than necessary has been made about this all round.

Perhaps it would have been better to have had a gentle word with her at the time, acknowledging she meant well but had overstepped the mark. But too late for that now.

Hence quoting my age, I was trying to establish if it was generational thing or not? I don’t think it is, some people are just dramatic no matter how old they are 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The volunteer took the hand of a child

• in front of her mum
• and despite the mum asking her not to

I'm sorry but she should not be volunteering at children's events if that is how she is behaving. If she your child had gone off and was generally dancing and she'd joined in with her fair enough, but actually trying to encourage your child away from you, while you had asked her not to and the child didn't seem to want to go is not on, and you didn't over react.

OP, I think the way you've phrased it "without my consent" has people's backs up. What really would have bothered me is the volunteer overriding me, as a parent. You told her you were fine (and didn't need any help) twice! Sure it takes a village, but the villagers shouldn't intrude when you're having a chat (it could have been about something serious!) and pull your child away (I don't mean 'pull' in a dragging sense, but in the sense that you were having a conversation).

Well the OP has overreacted as there's one thing taking a child's hand than 'grabbing' a child.

seems like everyone overreacted tbh

I think you were right to say something. It’s not ok to grab a child and my dd would have been upset if a stranger did this.
it’s really sad and I think she has overreacted. Tbh I would also wonder if the organisers have done the safeguarding training properly for volunteers. I volunteer with children and we are discouraged from touching them.

I think the phrasing “touching children without consent” has made her sound sinister and weird. She probably doesn’t feel she can continue with one accusation like that behind her. What if someone else complains, or she accidentally bumps and hurts a child? She possibly feels she is already in the spotlight for this and perhaps doesn’t want to risk getting a reputation for being a weirdo or a danger to kids.

Not saying I would feel like that, but I do think your complaint was worded rather uncharitably. I also think it’s unfair to her to not attempt to deal with the situation directly and instead go over her head to shame her to the people she volunteers with.

Yes, she was socially inept and made a faux pas, but I do think we should have a certain amount of tolerance towards well-intentioned people who sometimes get things like this wrong.

I would think it’s very normal for a volunteer at a children’s party to hold hands with the children to dance without personally checking out parental consent for each child.

As you know she was only trying to include your child in the activities so a written complaint that she touched your child without parental consent is bound to be upsetting and has connotations of something much more serious.

I appreciate that the way she went about it was upsetting for you but please don’t take your children to any more organised events. I’m not sure how you are going to cope when they start school.

She didn’t need to ask for consent but she was explicitly told she didn’t have it.

I would think it’s very normal for a volunteer at a children’s party to hold hands with the children to dance without personally checking out parental consent for each child.

Yes, but if a parent says "I have it under control" or similar it's equally normal to listen to said parent and remove oneself.

it was a complete stranger who me and my child have never met before at the end of the day

She grabbed my child’s arm and pulled her away. She then held her arms and waved them to the and get her to dance. I didn’t react because I was in shock and didn’t want to make my little girl upset