Should I have said anything?

[ThatCoralKoala]

I took my child to a summer party and was sat talking to her with my little one on my shoulder (no raised voices and no crying or anything). I was telling her to pass me her sweet before she ran off dancing or to eat it first because they’d asked the children not to eat sweets while dancing. A volunteer (a woman in her 60s) came up behind me and grabbed my daughter’s arm and said “come dance with me”. I explained I had the situation under control and she just wanted to play while eating. She said “give the sweet to mummy” but when I again explained I have it under control myself she took her to the dance floor and began waving her arms around. My daughter is 2 for reference. In the end I had to go over and take my daughter away and ignore the woman until she left. The party overall was lovey but I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how upset I was that she’d grabbed my daughter without her or my consent. I don’t doubt that she meant well but it didn’t make it right and I don’t want other parents feeling uncomfortable too. I sent the venue a message and asked could they speak to the volunteer and let her know that touching children without parent consent is too far. They’ve replied to say she is mortified, won’t volunteer again and because she’s a key part of organising that they won’t do events again. I feel awful now that the children’s events won’t be run again and my intention was only to ensure the volunteer didn’t overstep boundaries in future unintentionally

What’s the relevance of her being in her 60s?

It’s sad that today’s children aren’t encouraged to interact with other adults anymore because of the society we live in.

Her age is relevant because there wasn’t all this fear and giving consent when her children were young.

Nonone is in the wrong. She was simply encouraging a young child to dance and you as the child’s mother didn’t feel comfortable about it with as per today’s norms in society.

I'm 60. Consent isn't a new thing to me.

Poor woman.

She saw you were tied up with the baby, and could see that your toddler wanted to dance. So she did what most party organisers would do, and tried to help you both out by encouraging her to give up her sweet and dance with her instead.

It's odd. So many mums want there to be a village supporting them, but then freak out when one of the village (in this case clearly one of the organisers, so not a random) acts like a villager.

Completely agree with all of this.

'without mine or her consent' in this scenario is quite frankly ridiculous.

Spot on.

Some really odd ideas here about what women in their 60s are like. I am 63. I was a punk in my teens and 20s.

I feel so sorry for this woman too. I’ve the same age gap and people have been so helpful when I’ve been dealing with one, trying to entertain the other. I’ve just kind of taken it in the spirit that it’s meant, usually kindly by people that have been there. This week for example, someone working at an event picked up my one year old and bounced her while I was sorting out my three year old. I said she didn’t have to, she said she’d been there with a similar age gap, and just wanted to help

You were rude and over reacted because you perceived judgment in a situation where she was only trying to help. If someone's intention is kind there is absolutely no need to make a drama, she wanted your child to have a nice time and presumably thought you would appreciate having one of two children entertained so you could focus on the other. Such a shame for the woman and all the other families who would have enjoyed the events.

Whoa everyone. Volunteer approaches child and mum to encourage child into activity. Mum says we're fine, I've got this. Volunteer OVERRIDES PARENT!
Not the right thing for her to have done.

Can't see you did anything wrong @ThatCoralKoala, and for what it's worth, I'm 70. Also the response from the organisers is passive aggressive. An apology would have been good but they're basically blaming OP.
That's how I'm reading it anyway.

Did you actually say no to her taking your daughter to dance? If so she was totally out of order. I wouldn’t allow anyone I don’t know to just take my child’s hand. It’s not a good thing to normalise.

I don’t doubt that she meant well but it didn’t make it right and I don’t want other parents feeling uncomfortable too.

I think it's highly unlikely that any other parent would feel uncomfortable. This woman has been volunteering and organising this party for years. If anyone had cared about her interacting with the children this way, they'd have done something long before now.

I find it bizarre that you actually contacted the organisers to complain.

This is why we can't have nice things, and why so many community events are dying. People love to complain about the slightest thing and it's really dispiriting for those who care enough to give up their time to make things happen.

Yep I'm with you OP, you had it, she wasn't dancing yet because she was finishing her sweet (choking hazard while dancing?) and the volunteer took her anyway. I'm nearly 60 btw and I would have known not to do this if a mum wasn't keen, even if I thought the mum was being unnecessarily protective.

The Thing is I wasn’t tied up. Both my children were happy, I didn’t need any help and that was clear even if I hadn’t said no to her

I think you went OTT in emailing the organisers and saying she touched your child without consent. It makes the volunteer sound unhinged. No wonder she is mortified.

Whilst I don't disagree and it would irritate me if the woman has ignored my wishes I would either say something at the time or silently seethe. I don't think people realise that volunteers are unpaid and they do this to bring joy to children, and yes, she sounds overly enthusiastic you were wrong on this occasion I think.

I didn’t realise it was so normal to grab a child without asking the child if they want to go with you or asking the parent first

Yes she overstepped and it’s completely unacceptable. If a parents says no they don’t need or want help who the hell do others think they are to intervene anyway?

Thank you, I appreciate that so much. I was trying to stress that I know it was probably done with best intentions but also you can’t just ignore the paren. I’ve had it before when people have ignored me and tried to interact with her and touch her when she’s already showed she’s uncomfortable (even when she’s said “me scared”) but ignoring me and then grabbing her and forcing her hands while ‘dancing’ because she didn’t want to was too far even if well intentioned. It’s not hard to see when a child is uncomfortable with something you are doing

She was over-enthusiastic, that's all. I get that you were irritated by that, which is okay. But contacting the organiser to complain about her was just massively over the top, and she'd have been really hurt. And now there are no more parties.

she didn’t need to touch your child, and even if she did when you assured her you were dealing with it she should’ve left you to it, not stomped her way in to ‘help’
it’s not help if the person not only doesn’t ask but actively discourages you.
rather than learning from the issue, now she’s spat her dummy out. It’s not your problem, you shouldn’t touch other peoples children, That doesn’t stop you interacting with them and she needs to learn that. The business are being ridiculous telling you that too, what do they want you to do, call her an apologise and say it’s fine for her to grab your child and ignore you and take your child away from you when you’re asking her not to.
I understand why you feel stressed about it op, but I don’t think you’re in the wrong.

I think you made your feelings clear when you went over to take your child back and effectively shunned her. Whilst she sounds over zealous and possibly a bit inappropriate, I wouldn’t have put a formal complaint in. What harm was actually done?

However, agree they dealt with your complaint badly. Good volunteers are so hard to find - I would have really tempered my feedback when bringing it up with her.

Probably not what you want to hear.

What did I just read? You’ve just totally overreacted and you emailed the venue? Are you really ok? Do you behave like this on every situation that crops up?

You could have just said to her at the time no thanks and got your daughter back off the dance floor and been a bit more assertive in the moment, Instead you’ve just massively upset someone who clearly meant well.

Her age is irrelevant, and you’ve just ruined the event for everyone.

i kept saying it’s fine, I’ve got it under control and kept talking to my daughter. I honestly didn’t expect her to just grab my daughters hand and walk off so I didn’t say “no you can’t take her” but did say I didn’t need help

The volunteer was in the wrong, but emailing a complaint was excessive as no harm was done.

Emailing the venue to complain because you were pissed off with yourself for not handling it properly is a dick move honestly.

What did you think the volunteer was going to do? Thank you?

At least nobody else will be bothered by this over enthusiastic volunteer now thanks to you.