One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Oh well as you admit it was all your failings then without a doubt you leave them half. I'd have thought that would be obvious.

How can the other dc be oblivious to the reasons, surely they lived in the same household. Did you treat the one you're not estranged from as the golden child?

Sounds like you did the very best you could with what you had.

If it was me I’d write one more letter - not asking for forgiveness (maybe she’s at fault) but just a brief note saying it would be lovely to meet up.

If she refuses or ignored then I would leave a smaller amount (not paltry) say 10k and leave a note in your will stating that you always loved her and were sad it didn’t work out.

Tell her that if she doesn’t want the 10k from you then perhaps she might donate it.

My mother was very inconsistent like this when I was young. It has affected me so profoundly I cannot even name all the ways I now struggle.

I am also NC with her now. It is deeply painful and not a decision I would make if I felt there was any other choice.

Same as your child, I am also still in contact with my siblings/father and that is because it was my mother not them who was so desperately damaging to me.

When you say their father did the routine stuff - where were you at these times?

That your other child thinks the inheritance should be split unevenly is weird to me. Honestly the fact you’re even discussing the inheritance with them in these terms gives me odd vibes.

Also, you DO know the likely reason why they have gone NC - you have said it right here.

This is an interesting one. My DP's sister has been NC with her mother for decades, and I wonder how that will go with inheritance. His mother is always talking about inheritance and very much seems to want to use it as a bargaining tool. If she did leave it all to DP I would encourage him to split it equally with his sister as I think that's the easiest outcome and I wouldn't want resentment to foster between the siblings.

Two of my siblings are NC with our mother (for good reason, she is a manipulative narcissistic deeply unhappy person so you have to be in good mental health to handle her - I am, two of my siblings not so much). Fortunately she has no money otherwise she would be maximising her manipulative intentions with it, and I could foresee all sorts of drama.

I presume, OP, you are operating in good faith so I would just split it equally. Or donate it all to greyhounds.

But what about situations where a child goes NC because of a difference of opinion about trans issues? I'm very familiar with that sort of thing happening and it's been absolutely heart breaking, where a parent has said, "I love you and accept you exactly as you are, but I don't believe people can change sex. Live exactly how you want to live, but don't tell me what to think and believe" and the adult child has refused to speak to them again. Whether that refusal will be lifelong is hard to judge, but none of us know how long our lives will be, so even if it's for a short period it might be for the duration of our lives.

Does she have children? You could leave her share to them. That way you are respecting her wish to have nothing to do with you but still not favouring the one who isn't NC

You'll leave behind the ongoing relationship between your children. It will help that to be positive if all inherit equally. Do it for the sake of the child you have contact with.

Having read all your posts I would split the money equally, or perhaps near equal.

I think you should speak to a lawyer. They will have seen this before and will probably be able to give good advice.

I think it is really important to remember that even though siblings are raised in the same home, they are never raised by the 'same parent'.

Everyone's different needs means we all see things differently. Your NC DC has told you they struggled with you as a parent, by not leaving them half, surely that can be seen as punishing them for not being able to deal with you as well as your other DC?

So you do know why the child is NC. And FWIW, 2 children in the same household with the same parents can have very different experiences, growing up. It's not uncommon for one to get what is effectively emotional abuse and the other to get a kinder upbringing.

I also don't think asking the child you are in contact with how much they think their sibling deserves is a good or healthy thing for their sibling relationship going forward.

A (very wealthy) family member had a similar situation. Despite providing houses, cars and third level education they were largely ignored by their DC. In their will they itemized every single thing they had bought for their DCs (the above items plus more well into their 30s) and then said there's nothing else I can leave you so here's a token amount of 10k. Ungrateful DCs were absolutely furious but deserved it.

I'd leave estranged DC a token amount. If they can't be bothered to even text a thanks for gifts and amounts of money when you're alive they don't get to enjoy the spoils of your work when you're dead. If you're not good enough for them to speak to you now then I don't see why they should get anything.

I like this answer.

I have limited contact with my elder child. Over time he has done some awful things. My DH went down with dementia. He contacted social services and said I was hitting him and financially abusing him. He also took out a POA for DH without telling anyone. He took his dad out and spend c 2k on himself using DHs card, when challenged it was a case of well dad said it was alright- big grin as he knows there is no way we can prove otherwise. His DB is totally different and very supportive. He is very entitled and clearly sees our savings and house as really being his (hence the POA). I am still thinking about my will. When DH dies, the will comes to me, but he clearly still expects to inherit, despite seemingly loathing me and DH. It does make you think what you did when he was growing up. We tried to provide as much as we could do for both of our kids, but for him it was never enough.

This is not reasonable of them to expect you not to include your nc child especially as the nc receives cash gifts from you now. Why would they be hurt you still loved your child the same as them and why would they want their sibling cut out? Sounds to me like all of your kids see you as a financial tool, including your nc child.

My DH of over thirty years has ADHD. His opinion of his parenting and mine are very different. Look at the long running thread on here for people married to someone with ADHD.
DC are adults now and he loves them, but I always protected them and did all the daily consistent grind and took interest in the boring tedious bits of parenting. He doesn't even know their birthdays or what year they were born. He now sets reminders.
My biggest worry in life was dying before they reached adulthood.
I might be projecting but DH has no idea how shit he was as a parent, despite us still being married. I make sure he shows up, always covering so they don't feel second best due to his ND. You should have seen the speech he wrote for DS's wedding. I feel like I edit him sometimes. When our DIL lost a pregnancy after they'd struggled with infertility, his first comment was (he speaks before engaging his brain), "Well I never had a problem." He's a lovely man 95% of the time. The rest I'm the one excusing him.
It would be an equal split for me because of your ADHD alone.

Sigh. No I do not know why the NC child made that choice. They have said nothing to anyone about their reasons.

I have GUESSED at what it could be. I have plumbed the depths of my memories. So for example, was it because I said no to them flying alone to America aged 14 to meet a girl they were in contact with in an online game? Was it because when they were five I dropped their birthday cake carrying it to the table?

Does your nc child also have an ND diagnosis? Because the extremity of their feelings might be explained by one. In which case, penalising them further would be quite harsh, especially if that condition was inherited from you.

Also I’m going to guess this is your elder child, who may have borne the brunt of your mood swings as a result of your own ADHD. But I appreciate that’s a wild guess so feel free to ignore.

I think I am starting to see the problem right here….

NC means an understanding that the relationship is over, They shouldn't expect a penny. If they hate you that much why would they want it anyway. Out of respect to the other child who does bother with you, I wouldn't be giving them anything. You can't pick and choose the bits you want from family, as annoying as families are..

JFC.

equally, I would want both children to know I loved them equally regardless of the relationship breakdown.

It seems to me you have done all you reasonably could to communicate with your NC child and to give them every opportunity to sort out whatever their problem with you is. They have shown you that they have no interest in a relationship with you. That being the case, they can't honestly claim any equal right in what you have to leave. In your shoes, at most I would leave them around 10%. If they ever have children, you might want to reconsider and leave something direct to the grandchildren.

Op you literally said 'But inconsistent in mood - lively one day, broken on another day. Their father did most of the routine care of feeding and clothes washing (we lived as a family'

So no, i don't think it was because you dropped a cake I think it was because you were hyper one day broken the next and that the df did all the routine stuff.

These behaviours have profound effects on growing kids. Have you had therapy just yourself to try and unpick some of your behaviours?

I think I would give all the money to the children who keep in contact and charity