One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Why are you estranged? Obviously I don't expect identifying private details but was it all your fault or a multitude of factors. How are you still in contact with one dc and not the other?

Rather than thinking about money have you tried family mediation, counselling etc?

It seems such a sad set up and to focus on a Will seems to be ignoring the massive elephant in the room.

Oh your update about Christmas and birthday presents is an interesting curve ball.

personally if you go no contact you accept that that is it - in its truest form. I went nc with my dad’s mother. I mourned the relationship at that point. When she died it wasn’t an issue because I had been through that grief and had suitable therapy to deal with it.

to that end I would say that they get a token amount say 10% of the total. Means they cannot contest the will. If they have children money directly to them in trust. Write a letter to accompany this to explain why.

however you have been giving them money twice a year, strangely they don’t give it back to you!!! I imagine that means they will expect money in your will.

personally you haven’t had a relationship with them for some times I it is reasonable to give them nothing or a small percentage

i certainly wouldn’t split it.

Op without knowing why your child isn't talking to you it would be hard to help you reach an 'ethical' conclusion so to speak. If you spoke to a solicitor about making a will im sure this would come up. Only going by what you have said, seen as you currently give the nc child money and gifts (as you do the other child) then it would probably be correct to include the nc in the will also. Ppl say it's your money and up to you but remember, once someone has died, its not that person who suffers the choice of their will... it will be your children.

I think you should do what you want to do. The NC adult dc won’t expect anything from you. If they receive nothing it will affirm their thoughts.

Presuming that you love them equally then act accordingly. Wills should not be used to punish or revenge, if the NC child doesn’t want the inheritance they can always give it to charity etc.

This is an impossible situation and I have no advice. I just wanted to say you’re absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place. The child in contact will be resentful if you split 50/50. Child who is no contact will have their non-contact choice affirmed if you don’t split 50/50. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Are there grandchildren? Could you skip child and give to GC?

Has the NC dc told you why they are NC. Are they reasonable for making this choice?

Yes, because the distribution makes no difference to you after your death but it might to both of your DC, in terms of their future relationship.

Also, knowing that being nc is causing you pain, would you want to inflict a similar pain on your absent DC by treating them unfairly?

@debauchedsloth do you have any explanation for why your child is NC (even if you think it’s nonsense)? Are there any mental health issues and/or Neurodivergent issues here? Any addictions? Have you tried to resolve this situation? Recently? How is your NC child? And how old are they? How was your relationship with them growing up? I wonder if you have really explored what’s going on here. Maybe you could spend some time and money on that so you can resolve this in your lifetime rather than leaving them emotionally scarred.

And I think a parent should pass on their money to their children equally. Because you chose to have your children. You chose to raise them in the way you did.

Your child does not owe you contact.

I’m surprised about that. My brother went nc with my mother before I did. So she was always bad mouthing him and saying how I’d inherit everything. I always privately told him id give him half and would have done.

We both walked away from an awful lot of money, most of which she’d got from my dad after divorcing him following years of abuse and affairs. She gave it away to neighbours she barely knew and school friends she hadn’t seen in decades. Hundreds of thousands. To “teach me a lesson “ as she said in her nasty 7 page letter from beyond the grave

Are you wanting to punish him? Or do you just think he doesn’t deserve it? Would he think he’s owed it because of what he perceives you’ve done?

If you don’t split it equally then it will destroy their relationship with their sibling and probably lead to a very ugly legal battle.

I am NC with one of my parents. I do not expect anything from their will when the time comes. I don’t want it now or then. If they choose to leave me anything that’s up to them, but I doubt they will.

Equally, especially if her reasons are valid.

I may well be projecting here, but if your child is NC with you, they have already lost their mother. That is one of the saddest, hardest and most hurtful things that could ever happen to them.

Leaving them an inheritance won’t change the past, but it could smooth their life a little when they’ve already obviously had a lot of trauma to deal with because of their relationship with you.

Absolutely not, no. Their father and the sibling who is not NC with me have no idea why one went NC. No one knows. I have written many many times to the NC child begging for forgiveness for the many ways I failed them as a mother. I have enumerated as many of those failings as I could. I have never denied any of my shortcomings or fuck ups, throughout their life with me.

I was diagnosed, before the rush, about six years ago late 50s, with adhd. Which explained so much about my mothering. Fun, intense, exuberant, funny, passionate, deeply interested in them and their worlds. Never sweated the small stuff. No drugs or violence ever. But inconsistent in mood - lively one day, broken on another day. Their father did most of the routine care of feeding and clothes washing (we lived as a family) but I made the house a home in every other respect.

Also, thinking about it, it could inadvertently punish any children they have which isn’t fair when they were never involved in the dispute in the first place. I think leaving them out is horrible.

get a token amount say 10% of the total. Means they cannot contest the will. If they have children money directly to them in trust. Write a letter to accompany this to explain why.

you don’t need to do 10% to prevent them challenging the will. You can just make it specific clear you don’t wish them to inherit. That’s what my mum did, with the added barb that she didn’t want me to inherit because she disliked me so much. 😂. I wouldn’t recommend the latter part.

but I would say the majority of the time children don’t go nc for no reason. You might not recognise or agree with the reasons. Would they be up for family counselling?

How long have you been NC? If it's recent I'd hold fire. If it's been years well why would they expect money from someone they no longer know?

I'd quit with the birthday and Christmas presents as that's sending a confusing message that wouldn't be consistent with your will.

I’m with team DC here whom you have spoken with. My own DP’s will splits everything evenly but, if I think about it, no recognition is made of the time and effort I have put in so far and the increasing level of effort facing me. My siblings make no effort unless and until I summon them to a big family dinner that I shop for, cook and clean up.

Some recognition of estranged dc would be fine by me but time and effort from your close dc should be recognised. Your future is still unknown. The imposition on your dc may well be considerable. That would sting.

I wouldn’t tell them the contents (though I know my father’s). Why create resentment for the rest of your life?

Based onw hat you are saying, I would split inheritance equally. You still love them. You want a better relationship with them. You, presumably, want your death to be less painful for them. Cutting them out would make it all worse.

Whenever people claim not to know why their adult children have gone NC, I leave them this link: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

We have a similar dilemma.

dh is nc with his son. Absolutely no fault of his own, his ex decided she would tell him all the gory details of him having an affair and leaving her destitute.

only that’s not the truth. It was her had the affair, emptied their joint accounts and set up home with her OM.

he still sends birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, but gets no response.

he really wants to leave him out the will. I have mixed feelings. I think we will probably get round it by him simply leaving everything to me, not that there’s much. If I predecease him then I will leave my house and the bulk of my assets to my children, then he will intentionally remain intestate, or simply split between his children so no one left out or treated differently.

I was disinherited at 12. The sibling left everything, went on to take it as a signal of proof of their worth, and evidence of my lack of worth and eternal proof of our mothers feelings towards me, and then enforced that view.
But they suffered a lot of MH issues exacerbated by it all. Developed a lot of unnecessary fear about me, a need to control me because of those imagined fears, and later cut me out of their life entirely.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my mother and as an adult have been prevented from knowing where she was buried or her remains disposed of, to protect the siblings continued now decades old fears over their inheritance.
Her children have been brought up to not acknowledge mine, on the same basis of potential 'threat.'

It's a sad and unnecessary state of affairs, and probably not what was intended particularly.

Treating one child as the better one, even if they entirely are, isn't always a kindness to the better one (or their later offspring) either. Just a thought.

Omg yes I have begged for many years to go to family therapy and mediation. But no. The NC child stays silent.
It is certainly no elephant - it's a source of strain to the father and the child who remains in contact with me. I think as the years have passed it is they who bear the bigger burden. I was absolutely destroyed for several years by it. But I have "got used" to it, it's a static situation for me but not for them if that makes sense.

The issue of my will is because I recently sold my business and have now a shitload of money and I need to make sure I leave my affairs come the day, in good order.