One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Problem is that even if your behaviour was caused by your adhd it still caused your dc to feel they had to go nc in order to protect themselves. Thats not their fault. Sounds like they’ve been damaged growing up due to you (inadvertently and unintentionally) and personally i don’t think it’s particularly fair to make them suffer further. Nobody wants to go NC, im sure the dc would much rather have a good relationship with you but it doesn’t mean they have to put up with a damaging relationship.

If you give each DC the same amount you will hurt the sibling that has supported you.
I don't how old this DC is, but surely there comes an age where they know they have willingly caused pain to you the spurned parent. Whatever the reasoning, it was a decision made as a child/young adult. & they should be able to spend a short time together with you & accept the differences. No-one says you have to be best friends, everyone is different.
But having cut you off there have to be consequences.
It seem this DC already dislikes you & knows this NC hurts you, (particularly if there are GC, as they should realize how much most parents unconditionally love their children)

So don't leave them anything.

Also they may well not be interested in family therapy if they think you have no insight and will sit there rewriting history, being defensive, dismissing everything they say, protesting it wasn’t like that. It would be too upsetting.

No. Children don't ask to be brought into the world. Parental love only goes one way, their child is not obliged to love them back.

Bloody hell, do you believe everything you read on the side of a shampoo bottle too?

Even in the highly partisan one-sided account from OP, there is enough detail there to see things are not really as OP is claiming.

Wow - so many assumptions. If OP was vindictive she wouldn’t be mulling it over she’d have just done a Joan Crawford!!!

Also it’s eye-opening to see how little regard there is for late diagnosed ADHD etc.

This is not confession! OP is not here to list her sins and beg for forgiveness to a bunch of strangers on a forum.

With such intransigence and intolerance flowing out here I feel sorry for the up and coming generation - you better be the perfect parent because those sweet little things will be listing your shortcomings one day.

I'm really curious - those who suggest that if you cut contact with a parent, you deserve nothing, how do you square this with people who were harmed by their parents? Actively, repeatedly harmed?

I was disinherited by a parent who was abusive enough that they should probably have gone to prison for it. Cutting contact with that parent was for my own safety and wellbeing. I am sure that parent would happily have carried on abusing me had I not walked away, and therefore I'm sure that I caused them some degree of emotional pain by refusing to stay in contact and make myself available as a victim for longer.

Did I therefore deserve nothing?

Or did I maybe deserve some sort of compensation for a shit childhood and the damage that parent did to me?

I’m making conclusions on the information available. If further evidence came to light that might change. Until then i act on what information there is, not upon my imagination.

Children are not obliged to love their parents. They will be desperate to love their parents and to feel loved, and cared for and wanted, but if the way the parent treats them is too painful, they are not obliged to keep behaving in a loving way to their parents. Going NC is incredibly painful. No child does it lightly or for trivial reasons.

Forget the money op, it is a red herring and not an ethical dilemma really. Of course all dc should inherit equally.

How to build bridges is the thing you need to focus on. Going by your conflicting comments on here you don't seem sure how or why your behaviour impacted, but it did. A dc only goes nc when they are desperate when all attempts to talk etc have failed, itll be sell preservation.

So, as a dm really listen to those still close to you. Ask them what happened and how you can fix things. Good luck.

You don't need an imagination - just basic comprehension skills. Its there in the her own posts.

😂 ok. Explain please what facts I am missing (due to my limited comprehension skills)?

The OP's NC child has given no indication that they even expect or want to inherit. It sounds like the OP is going to use this to try and manipulate them - why else would you come on a forum and try and get pity from strangers for (undisclosed reasons why) your child not wanting anything further to do with you? But a lot of the replies seem to be blaming the child for being wicked and greedy and cruel and selfish despite there being no evidence to support this at all.

OP says she has no idea why her child does not speak to her, indeed no-one does, and yet in the same post describes how she was a highly inconsistent parent flitting unpredictably from being fun and intensely focussed on her children to being broken. This consistent inconsistency, this unpredictable flitting between extremes is very damaging for children. Parents who are emotionally broken are very damaging for children.

OP makes clear in this post both how her behaviour was damaging. Yet also shows she is not open to admitting her behaviour was damaging or contributed to the estrangement. This contradiction is striking to a stranger, but to be the child on the receiving end of this lack of acknowledgement must be very painful.

So do all people with mental health issues have to go round asking forgiveness and making up for their ‘brokenness’ or would that be just mothers ?

I never said OP was vindictive, just seemingly lacking in sincere retrospection and somewhat defensive.

OPs diagnosis - whilst it provides some context - doesn’t absolve her of things nor does it mean her child’s feelings don’t matter.

If my son comes to me in the future attempting to express that something I have done has been painful or damaging to him you best believe I will do absolutely everything I can to listen and validate because my ego does not come above my sons emotional wellbeing.

Ok I see. So that’s Your views, Your opinions on the impact of OPs parenting. That’s all.

What an odd post. But yes, parents whose own issues have caused difficulties in their own kids' childhoods should give their children that acknowledgement and apology. I know I will be. And I know just how much it has meant to adult children who have received this themselves.

And yes, as others have said, your will should reflect your love for your child. Odd that you reframe this ' as making up for brokeness'. Its just what any parent should do.

I think you should stop with the Christmas and birthday presents too - they have decided that they don't want contact, and without telling you why, so it does sound like they are at least a bit manipulative.

Tell them that you want to try to resolve the problems between you and as pps have suggested, offer counselling for them or for you both. If they refuse to engage, I think it would be reasonable to let them know that you respect their decision and that you won't contact them, but are open to them getting in touch at anytime. No contact would include no generous presents.

A friend of mine has a DS who goes LC or NC from time to time. He thrives on drama, and I think this is why he does it. His mum, after years of trying to make things right with him when he was refusing contact, now just lets hum be till he turns up. He keeps in touch with his siblings, so she knows he's alright.

If my son comes to me in the future attempting to express that something I have done has been painful or damaging to him you best believe I will do absolutely everything I can to listen and validate because my ego does not come above my sons emotional wellbeing.

And if he doesn't? But simply cuts you off and refuse to tell you why or talk to you at all? What will you do then? Probably what the OP did - beg him to talk to you, trawl through your life to try to come up with reasons, apologise for anything you have done. But in the end if your son doesn't want to explain to you why he has cut you off, there will be nothing you can do.

Not so much an opinion as a reflection of what OP has actually said.

I mean, if you want to ignore all the research on the impact of parents who behave like OP describes (not that you really need this, its bloody obvious) on their children, sure reframe that as 'an opinion, that's all' if you are that desperate for the need to 'win'. Go ahead.

I look forward to seeing you pop up on threads about alcohol/ addict etc parents opining that it is just ' your opinion that's all' that this is damaging for kids too.

'they have decided that they don't want contact, and without telling you why, so it does sound like they are at least a bit manipulative'

They'll have told the op, the op possibly hasn't listened.

The OP is guessing at what is upsetting her DC. Her adult child cut off contact and never gave a reason to anyone. She may be right or she may be wrong. Plenty of mums have ADHD/ASD and struggled at times and not had their kids cut all contact as adults!

.

Hardly surprising that an adult child might view their inconsistent broken parent as an unreliable and defensive witness. If you couldn't trust your parent when you were a child why would you as an adult?

Regardless it wouldn't occur to me to use my last communication on earth to treat my children differently or isolate one against the other.