42 year old male pursuing 19 year old female

[Engagebrain]

A 42 year old male friend of my hubby is pursuing a 19 year old woman. He's single and so is she but it's really turning my stomach to think he's old enough to be her father and I now see him as a bit of a creep. Am I overreacting? My own daughter is 20 and she thinks he's a creep. I don't want him visiting us anymore but my husband is laughing about it. How do you guys feel about this? Thanks!

Do you not think there's a massive difference between a teenager barely out of school and a young woman ( or man) in their mid twenties who has finished uni, lived away from home for several years, joined the work force, probably had a relationship already?

At that age, five years can make all the difference in terms of life experience and emotional maturity.

Yeah the double standards of that thread is hilarious. Letchy middle aged women asking the op to go for it and report back, but of course it's disgusting where the roles are reversed.

42 yo man has nothing in common with a 19yo teenager. Usually older men go for younger women so they can control them. He probably used language like - ‘you’re not like other women. You’re so mature for your age.’

The fact he’s a teacher perusing a 19yo too… I wonder how his head feels about his blooming new relationship.

The problem is the balance of power. I'd be completely grossed out by this man. I can't imagine he sees her as anything but a prize to win, a thing to show off about. (Just looking at those pictures of Anthony Kiedis says it all). Kind of gross too that your OH doesn't see an issue with it when his daughter is about the same age. It's like these men see the high five that Kiedis is reaching for, ignoring the meaning of the look on the teenager's face.

Absolutely creepy. Your husband is a dick, too.

25y is quite different to a 18y imo.

But equally I also don't think 20 odd year age gap relationships are great when one party is still a teenager or very young adult. Totally different stages in life.

The older person generally comes across badly.

I certainly wouldn't be impressed if any of my friends were seeking out relationship with partners younger than our own children.

Of course not, no.
Money doesn't give you a free pass and in many ways it'd make it feel worse too. Him buying his way into her bed. Urgh

I think this is creepy behaviour but describing it as grooming is ridiculous. She’s 19 - an adult, not a child.

One of my good friends has been married to a man 20 yrs older for 40 yrs now. Same ages when they met. It’s not illegal. As long as it’s consensual

Great. Were they 20 and 40 when they met? Otherwise, it's not really relevant is it?!

Oh! That'll teach me to read all the sentences! Ha!

I have known quite a few women who have only been interested in older men. They didn't like lads their own age. They were the ones who hit on older guys when they were 18.

A couple of DD flat mates at Uni are the same. They look for men in their mid 30s, with established careers.

One of DS flat mates in her 20s is only interested in older men.

The girl is 19 so technically is an adult. On the whole young women are more sexually active nowadays. She seems to be flirting in a sexual way with him.

DD and DS have partners similar ages to the rest of their peer group. DH and I are the same age.

My neighbour is 15 years older than her husband. They met when he moved to the area aged 19.

I am sure her friends and family will have tried to put the 19 year old off the relationship.
It doesnt sound one sided. OP can say to the 42 year old that it is creepy. I am sure others do too.

It is ultimately their business. It doesn't really affect anyone else.

Legally an adult but not mentally or emotionally. 19 is still vulnerable and inexperienced. This middle aged man with more power is grooming her.

Any more juicy dripfeeding, OP?

I don't know, there was lots of judgement on that thread along with a lot of hyperbole about being the talk of the town 🫠 there is quite a gulf between 19 and 25 too.

Personally as long as there isn't a power imbalance, she isn't vulnerable (beyond being younger) and they're both consenting then I personally wouldn't fancy it but each to their own. There's a stark difference between a 19 year old being actively pursued and worn down by an older man, and willingly and happily engaging in flirty messages.

Normal people find this gross and weird.

That he is a teacher makes it flat out concerning.

Your husband is weird.

No, a teenager and a pretty young adult.
Not fully developed in various ways.

And much much younger than a 42y man, at a completely different life stage and she's young enough to be his daughter.

It's clearly wouldn't be an equal relationship.

And the fact that he's a teacher, and could well be teaching teens this age (sixth form) makes it seem, even worse.

You think her own family won't have tried. Op can't kidnap an adult and their child and make them do what she wants, unfortunately.

I think the age difference is irrelevant but the context and nature of the relationships could be relevant. I would only be concerned if the 42 year old was being controlling and persistent when told the 19 year old was not interested.

I agree with you until you use the word grooming. Which describes paedophiles. Which this man is not as the woman is an adult. No crime is being committed. Grooming is a sex crime.

Th definition of grooming includes child or young person. 19 is a young person.

It’s someone under the age of consent. But we’re probably not going to agree. Overall we do agree that this is creepy, let’s leave it at that.

@Engagebrain the fact he is a school teacher is extremely worrying. Before that update I was going to say the most awful part is your husband's reaction. Particularly given your daughter's feelings about this friend. Whole thing is grim.

And from what we know now about brain development, 19 is so different to 25. While a 19 year old is no longer legally a child, we now understand their higher executive function is not fully developed until around 25:

"When the prefrontal cortex is fully developed — which typically happens around age 25 — you’re considered capable of discerning the relationship between your actions and potential short- or long-term consequences.

Until then, adolescents and young adults rely on the amygdala to make decisions...The amygdala is where primitive emotions, urges, impulses, fears, aggression, and primitive desires are located.

In practice, this usually looks like acting before thinking things through or otherwise acting impulsively."

They are both adults.
It is none of your business.
Why are you reading their personal messages? 😳