My brother is dying and doesnt want to say goodbye to his estranged son

[Worriedone2]

My brother was on the rebound from a relationship when he started dating and then living with a woman who was a bit scatty. I think he was pleased to have somewhere else to live and someone to live with and wasnt thinking long term. So after about 9 months when she told him she was pregnant he was less than happy. He is a bit of an emotional coward so was not really frank with her about how he felt at first. But did eventually come clean and say he could not make a life with her. And immediately started dating another woman while living with his then pregnant girlfriend or rather ex girlfriend.
He eventually moved out and moved on with the new girlfriend, who he later married and had two children with.
His wife was furious about him having a son with his ex and wanted nothing to do with the child. Although he came to stay with them occasionally she would make it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. So eventually my brother also completely withdrew from the relationship with his son. His son grew up about a mile away from his father and his half siblings but has never met his siblings and they dont know he exists. I have kept in touch with him. He has had things hard. His mother never established another permanent relationship and started to develop some mental health problems. The council flat he grew up in became very dirty and full of hoarded items.

He is very angry about how his father has treated him and that makes our relationship a bit strained as he feels i should in some way make his father behave better.
I have tried to talk to my brother about this over the years but its just made him and his wife very wary of me. This more recently seems to have affected his children who are now almost adults.
My brother has suddenly become unwell and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has something like a few weeks to a few months to live. I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".
I feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him. His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well. I dont want to stir things up at a time that is really difficult for him, his wife and his children. His son from the past relationship is fully grown but still struggling with his mental health. I dont know whether to tell him his father is ill or not tell him since it will only make matters worse. But if i dont tell him that feels awful too. He continues to live with his mother about a mile away from my brother. I just dont know what to do for the best.

He has made his wishes clear, so you need to leave it alone.

I have a family member who died without speaking to his son. I'm disgusted but it was their relationship to deal with. Neither of them did, it's now too late. Fortunately the son seems okay but surely it has to hurt underneath?

Leave your brother be.

Working in end of life care I see a large number of people with estranged relatives - it is actually very common.

I don't recall anyone of them wanting to have a deathbed reunion. It's a lovely idea but only for the movies.

He’s behaved repugnantly, his son is missing nothing. Would you be interested at all in getting to know your nephew in your own right?

He’s dying, just leave him to make his own decisions about these things and stop projecting your wishes and feelings onto him.

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to be the son's best aunt. It's completely OK for you to build a relationship with him independent of your brother's family - maybe they will come round one day, maybe they won't but at least he will have one stable and loving close family member.

There is no such thing as karma. He is dying of cancer because the medical experts can't cure him.
Good and bad things happen to good and bad people. Saying he has cancer because of karma (and therefore deserves it) is really wrong.

It's shitty for your nephew, especially as he hasn't had the easiest life. I can understand you want to tell him his father is dying as he may feel betrayed by you when he finds out you knew but didn't tell him and the effect this might have on his mental health. But your brother has made his decision and ultimately there's not going to be a resolution to their estrangement.

If only people didn't have such a cavalier attitude to parenthood, so much hurt could be avoided.

My dad is dying of cancer. Is that karma? Presumably he deserves it, that’s how it works in your world?

It’s shit but I think you have to leave it. You can’t force it. You can be disappointed by your brother’s actions and you can build your own relationship with his son if the son wants this, but you can’t force your brother.

I agree you should do as your brother wishes. However, if you tell his son, you’re also going to have to tell him that his father doesn’t want to see him. Difficult conversation.

I would tell your nephew, then if he wants to see his Dad he can take steps to do that.
My friend was estranged from her father for a long time, but did want to see him in hospital when he was dying, and found it helpful to see him again.
I also agree with the pp who said that while you can’t make your brother and his wife behave decently towards your nephew, you can be the best possible aunt for him. I feel really sorry for him, it must be so painful having such a terrible father.

This. And be the BESTEST aunt ever.

Please can posters stop referring to the op's brother as 'Karma'

Cancer isn't Karma, its a fucking awful disease and the family members I have lost because of it weren't receiving Karma.

Cancer is not a punishment for arseholes. Please separate the op's brother's behaviour from his illness.

You do absolutely nothing, OP, because this situation is nothing to do with you. Your brother is allowed to make his own decisions, regardless of whether you agree with them.

You don't say how old the first son is. I think you can't force your brother to see this young man but even if you could, there is no value as he would not respond well.

What you can do is tell your nephew that you think your brother's behaviour has been completely unacceptable and that while you cannot make up for that, you would like to be an aunt to him the way you'd always have wanted to be.

I think the ethical dilemma is how to ensure her nephew is least damaged by this situation. The brother is a dick.

I would be honest with my nephew and tell him and say his father didn’t want him to know or see him. You have an opportunity to be the person in this young man’s life he can turn to. You can help your young nephew in life far more than his father can on his death bed. Your nephew should be your priority.

Agreed. Some of the loveliest most selfless people I know have had cancer (or other equally devastating illnesses) or died from it.

It is vile to suggest this is karma. Don't you realise how that makes others feel

I assumed she meant the guilty conscience that is obviously eating at him.

But, to quote from another thread, “you do you”

Does the son want to speak to your brother?

Focus on your own life and leave your brother be. & dont tell his son he is ill. Youre just not the main character in this scenario and really need to step back.

So no one should tell this lad his Dad is dying? What about after his death, should OP say I didn’t tell you because it’s nothing to do with me?

What a cowardly and immoral thing to do.

OP, I’d tell your nephew his deadbeat Dad’s situation so he at least has the information and won’t find out years down the line he’s dead when he may have been hoping one day he’d get in touch. That’s so cruel.

Tell him you think your brother is a despicable excuse for a man but you’d like to be there for him in whatever way you are able to be.

@XelaM I am facing dying from cancer soon, leaving behind my much loved husband and my two beautiful teenage sons. I've led a good life and always try to do the right thing. I find your comments deeply upsetting.