White women, please be honest about this

[Lightsmother]

I’m a South Asian woman and genuinely feel white women are unable to fully connect with me in the same way they are with other white women. I don’t feel a genuine solidarity or sisterhood coming from them, regardless of how hard I try or attempt to fit in with their norms.

When you meet a non-white woman, do you really see through her race?

From school to university and now parenthood, it’s a difficult experience and I am constantly considering how each meeting and interaction would go if I were white.

Class is a weird one because we don't like to talk about it, you even get people claiming we are a "classless society" but you see the effects of it everywhere. I don't deliberately seek out people based on social class but can't help but notice every single friend I have is from a similar background.

Skin colour/Race wouldn't be an issue for me whatsoever. However, I may find it harder to relate if there were cultural or social differences. Tbh, most people that I am friends with (not all of course) are from similar social economic backgrounds/westernised with something in common (interests, experiences, education etc). I would probably find it a little harder being around someone very religious or from a different religion in case I inadvertently said the wrong thing and caused offence. I'm not very confident in that respect.

Just here laughing at Xenia's posts.

I thought, "Who the hell is this person trying to convince?", after reading the first and second one. The third and subsequent ones..well, it's got to be a joke surely. Nice one. 'Heh-lae-rious!'

You should write more.

I think a lot of white women feel like this about each other! Like they can't connect for whatever reason and you have to bear in mind that in all probability you'll only have a few close friends. Personally skin colour doesn't come into it for me - it's more about do I click - perhaps like the same things, same hobbies etc. I have 3 close friends - one I met on a course and we stayed friends, she is from Asia but I have lived in her country (before I knew her). The other 2 close friends come from a previous job - one white British, one Asian. We used to work together and stayed friends although we have moved on to other jobs. I realise my views/feelings could be different to other white Brits as I have lived in several Asian countries for work, but I honestly feel skin doesn't matter it's how you are as a person and your interests - just what makes a connection.

Maybe you are unable to see past the colour of a person skin rather than it being a white person who has an issue.

Really fascinating thread, thank you @Lightsmother.
How unusual it seems, on MN these days to be able to have 15 pages of discussion with almost everyone being able to put their points, and actually have a discussion.
@Hullo - Xenia is a very long time poster. I actually agree with a lot of what she has said on this thread. Most people do have more in common with people who have similar lives to themselves. Overwhelmingly, if we look around our friendship groups, you will find people who do 'similar type' jobs to ourselves and have 'similar type' education levels. Yes, of course there are lots of people that don't fit that mould, and no-one is saying "everyone....". A lot of posters have agreed that the colour of a person's skin doesn't determine how likely they are to become a good friend, but a person having similar interests and also background does make friendships more likely and more natural / easy .

Correct me if I'm wrong but from my experience, I know when people say "I don't see colour", they usually mean " Someone's skin colour ALONE doesn't affect the way I treat them " or something to that effect. I've never known it to mean " I literally can't see that people have different physical appearances ".

So I don't think those saying it on this thread mean the latter.

Most people do have more in common with people who have similar lives to themselves.

@BackforGood I agree with this and other similar ones. It's some of the other things written that I find quite unnecessary and...well, funny.

BTW, "long time poster" means nothing to me. Is that supposed to mean (more) credible? Verified? (More) important? Special?

We're online. Another unnecessary qualifier.

@SleepingStandingUp — the fact that you’ve had a career type job and/or done something different before having DC . So you’re either an income or a returner if you have young DC in your forties (ish). The social groups are split pretty firmly by age along those lines in small towns, in my experience.

Surprised at the disbelief about Xenia. Fairly reflective of the views of a good number of people I know. Why the shock?

With the result that a non—white woman in her forties is going to have more in common with many white women in their forties round here than a white woman in her early twenties, say. Proving the point that whether two women get on it might be nothing to do with race!

Sorry that was really badly expressed. Suffice to say education and background would probably be more important than race in my circle.

[quote fascinated]@SleepingStandingUp — the fact that you’ve had a career type job and/or done something different before having DC . So you’re either an income or a returner if you have young DC in your forties (ish). The social groups are split pretty firmly by age along those lines in small towns, in my experience.[/quote]
No idea what you mean by you're either an income or a returner. Do you mean you either work or will be returning to work after may have?

Also Sue Radford is having a baby in her 40s. It might just mean they've spent a protracted period of time having babies

Mine will be 2 and 7 when I turn 40. So does that make me the good type of SAHP who did something different or the door that's a different breed to intelligent working women?

I actually agree with a lot of what she has said on this thread. Most people do have more in common with people who have similar lives to themselves I don't think people have taken exception to Xenia saying that birds of a feather flock together essentially, more the SAHMs are a special breed of stupid, blame women

I can only relate to like minded people to me. Being white, non religious and a Brexit Supporter and Nigel Farage Supporter , all my friends are the same as me. My friends friends are also like minded so it's not likely to grow a deep friendship with people who are against my values.

I am not special. I am not important. My only point really was that class/educational similarities and being a working parent is more important to me and I could not care less what colour someone is.

Incomer = not someone who has lived here for generations

Returner = someone who has lived here for generations but has lived elsewhere for work and returned for DC

@SleepingStandingUp

You’re awfully defensive.

I wouldn’t have a clue about you if I saw you, as I said before, I’d chat and if we had something in common, great. I wouldn’t care about your colour, that’s for sure.

When I chatted to Sue Radford it would probably quickly become obvious that it wasn’t her first DC which would obviously counter the initial impression. But usually, as I said, if I am at the park and there is a woman in her forties with her young DC at the swings, say, it’s usually a bit of a giveaway that we might have something in common...the initial chat tends to give a general idea of whether we would get on. The younger women, who are more likely to be neither incomer nor returner, tend not to go to the park or baby groups on their own anyway, they are generally huddled together in existing friendship groups and don’t have any interest in forming new friendships.... with anyone, regardless of race! But it’s a very small town so the racism thing is probably irrelevant — it’s just being “different” generally that shuts you out. I’m just trying to give a picture of the split demographic in a rural town.

I'm white British and my mate is black Jamaican - I don't see her colour of skin (unless it is to say how beautiful her skin is , which it is) She is 12 years older than me but looks at least 20 years younger.
Her words "black don't crack"

We have a ball together!

I don’t necessarily share all of Xenia’s views but I know lots of people who share them, secretly or not!

Apologies if somebody has said this already - I haven't read the whole thread..
How do any of us know how others feel about some other acquaintance..we can't really know?

This might sound controversial, but I think friendships between mothers of primary school-aged kids are often devised around considerations of how well was he children get on and a little bit of convenience. Kids who are similar make good playmates and parents adjust.

I'm fully prepared to believe that people raises in other lands, white people and non-white people, may have an experience of forming friendships which are as close as sisterhood. I feel, maybe wrongly, that British people will usually hold back a little - or am I wrong? For instance, I don't think it is the norm in Britain to lend largish sums of money to friends. I also think that being in a relationship makes you hold back on confiding, because s lot of what you might want to say about your life might involve telling details which your partner wouldn't want to be revealed.

So maybe white friends who are British are not very 'close' and confidential with any friends.

I'm a twin, so never needed to make friends at school, so probably keep a bit separate now.

Culture can be a big obstacle.

Well, OP has not come back to reveal

In what specific ways these other women “bonded” or enjoyed “sisterhood” that she felt excluded from

Or

What she herself has done , and perceives herself to have failed in doing, to “fit in”

So I don’t know that we are ever going to really get anywhere

Surprised at the disbelief about Xenia. Fairly reflective of the views of a good number of people I know. Why the shock?

These types don't usually go about loudly proclaiming that they don't mind brown people as long as they're 'educated', not a SAHP, and of a social class acceptable to the speaker, while labouring under the delusion that this is a good thing, and makes them terribly progressive?