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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Dd heard us having sex

132 replies

Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 12:09

My DD is 9, she heard partner and I having sex, cringe for us all. She was mortified and was crying. I comforted her and apologised. I obviously need to talk to her. But how and how much do you say?

OP posts:
Roselinemac · 23/04/2019 16:26

This happened to me. I was in bed with oh and dd walked in. I had my arms up clinging to the bed post FFS!! I was moaning and she walked in said URGHHH! thats disgusting started to get upset and walked out. I didn't know what to do so I just left it and carried on the next day as if nothing happened because I was so embarrassed and she was too, I didn't want to make the situation worse. Anyway it was all forgot about within a few days. It was in the middle of the night, quiet late and darkish, she is now 13 and I doubt very much she would remember it. Its so cringeworthy, but it does happen.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 16:32

She WILL remember Grin

CallMeRachel · 23/04/2019 16:39

It was in the middle of the night, quiet late and darkish, she is now 13 and I doubt very much she would remember it.

Confused Are you kidding?!!

It'll be etched in her eyeballs for eternity!! Shock

Roselinemac · 23/04/2019 16:45

No she doesn't remember. She is the type of girl that would bring it up now that she's older.

It'll be etched in her eyeballs for eternity!! What a shit thing to say.

Floatingfancy · 23/04/2019 16:52

Of course she remembers, don't be so ridiculous.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 16:52

What a shit thing to say

Oh don't be so daft, it was a joke but so true!

Floatingfancy · 23/04/2019 16:53

they would do it in a caravan and when stayed in a hotel room all together

That's horrendous.

Duster12 · 23/04/2019 16:58

Not fucking nice.

BikeRunSki · 23/04/2019 17:08

If she dies know about sex, but not in the context of a nice thing for adults to do in a loving relationship, then she might have thought your partner was hurting you.

If she does know that sex is part of a pleasurable, consenting relationship, then does she maybe think you’ll be having a baby?

64sNewName · 23/04/2019 17:10

I’m sure children/teens who see or hear these things do remember! It’s a primal sort of weird/yuck reaction, you wouldn’t forget it.

I very clearly remember hearing my mum and stepdad through the wall when I was about 11/12. I was a bit eeew but I certainly didn’t feel upset or anything, nor did I think it was inappropriate. I just very heartily wished I hadn’t heard it because, well, ew. The next day I told my mum I’d heard them and she was mortified but we actually managed to laugh about it in a mortified way and I think that made her more careful or extra quiet, because I never heard them again.

I have a partner now and we do (quietly!) have sex in the house in my room (downstairs) while my children are sleeping (upstairs). I very much hope they never hear or see us but I’m not going to never have sex while they're at home Hmm

gonnaneedaginsoon · 23/04/2019 17:18

That’s odd. How old were you when they were having sex with you in the room?

I was between 9-13. Luckily I moved in with my dad at 14 so never had to deal with it after that.

Cheekyfeckery · 23/04/2019 17:24

@simonJT I don’t know, I only speak for myself.

Christ, all I said was I don’t have sex when my kids are here. That’s not judging anyone else - that’s just how I do things because of the situation I’m in.

wigglesniggles · 23/04/2019 17:31

I heard my parents once and I knocked on the bedroom door to ask if DM was alright. It was the noises. I thought someone was getting hurt. That's probably why she was crying. Traumatising. No, it's not traumatising really, I just realised MUCH later that what I heard was sex.

I think at the age you understand what sex is but its a very mechanical thing and frankly sounds gross.

BattenburgIsland · 23/04/2019 17:33

It's always a shock to hear your parents having sex for the first time whether it's your mum and dad or your mum and partner or whatever... some people manage to get away with never hearing it but actually the vast majority of kids hear it at some point accidentally.
That's just life, I dont get what some outraged posters on here are on about... no it's not traumatic (presuming its consensual and generic sex type noises not some out there situation).... it's a bit of a shock and obviously very embarrassing and a bit yuck for them.... but it is actually just part of growing up in most cases. Of course you should try and avoid your kids hearing you have sex but if they do it's not some massive massive traumatic deal! It's a shock to realise your parents are human beings having a sex life and not just mum and dad...its yuck to think of and it takes a while to get your head round... but most kids manage to process it and get on with their lives okay...
I heard my parents having sex when I was about 10, we were on holiday with connecting rooms and the wall was thin. It did upset me yes but I didnt confront them about it or anything... as when I thought about it I did realise that they were human beings in a relationship and that is what happens... at home my room was on a different floor to theirs so I never heard anything again...

It is odd that your daughter was crying but it is probably from embarrassment and shock... it's a wierd thing to think of your mum having sex and more than the physical issue theres the emotional side to process that someone shes had to herself up until now is having a very intimate relationship with someone else... that's going to be an unsettling notion for her.
You really need to sit down with her and talk to her honestly and in an age appropriate manner about relationships between people and sex... and also you need to reassure her that her relationship with you is not threatened or changed.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 23/04/2019 18:22

I think the responders to this thread are the ones equipped as to whether they found it traumatic or not. Not everyone would, some clearly have.

I didn't find it traumatic but I was very upset by it. I knew what sex was completely and I can't articulate even now why I found it so upsetting.

OP hasn't done anything wrong but nor has her dd. If she's upset by it, then she's upset by it, and suggesting she's being strange by crying is awful.

MamaDane · 23/04/2019 18:32

Sorry OP. This thread is making me laugh. 😂

I've unfortunately both witnessed my partners in the act and also heard my DM having sex with my stepdad (after my parents separated) and yes it is somewhat traumatic but she'll get over it. Adults are allowed to have a healthy sex life.

I don't have any good advice sorry. Just acknowledge whatever feelings she might have on it and perhaps explain how sex is natural between two adults who love each other.

Good luck Grin

MamaDane · 23/04/2019 18:32

*oops meant to say parents not partners 😳

Cantthinknc · 23/04/2019 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naughtynorm · 23/04/2019 19:27

I remember hearing my mum and her new partner. I think I was quite upset but didn't tell my mum.

I think actually it's right that it's more of an issue if it's not your parents but your parent and a new partner.

If your daughter is used to it being just you and her then emotionally it can be hard for her to adjust to having to share you. The actual hearing sex thing may be a bit of a red herring here, possibly it just reinforced to her that she's feeling unsettled emotionally by your new relationship.

You're obviously a good mum as you're so concerned about her, have a chat with her op and reassure her. Also definitely time to have a chat about sex with her.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 19:36

Ok so I had chat with her, it was embarrassment. Also she knows more than I thought thanks to an.older child. Grrr

OP posts:
KneelJustKneel · 23/04/2019 20:08

I was really traumatised hearing my mum with a partner. It was a bungalow with a converted roof so sound carried and she was above my bedrooom. I remember wanting to sleep and sobbing hoping it would stop.

I think its scary as its not anything you've heard before and it all sounds so unnatural. Everything else you see your parents do isnt hidden. I couuld hear the rhythmic thujmping as i was underneath and remember it seemed to go on forever.

As an adult Ive rented places and of course ita not traumatic, but I still rememver the fear I felt as a kid.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 20:45

Also she knows more than I thought thanks to an.older child. Grrr she'd be very unusual not know anything at all at age 9.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 20:59

I realise that she'd have heard playground gossip. But knowing groans is part of sex I'm shocked at.
We have had a really good chat. I'm going to look for a book so she can read and ask more. After I've seen it first of course.

OP posts:
ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 23/04/2019 22:27

I find it more worrying that the sexual interests of the woman are deemed by some people on a parenting board to be more important than the child's psychological health.

No kidding. It's called having boundaries. You don't have to be celibate, just don't fuck loudly with your kids in earshot. I've been a single parent, somehow I managed it.

Boulezvous · 24/04/2019 00:20

Sorry to be flippant but I could hear my DD and her BF having sex when we were on holiday last week. Not something I wanted to hear! I stuck my fingers in my ears and turned up the volume on the film I was watching!