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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Dd heard us having sex

132 replies

Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 12:09

My DD is 9, she heard partner and I having sex, cringe for us all. She was mortified and was crying. I comforted her and apologised. I obviously need to talk to her. But how and how much do you say?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 23/04/2019 13:22

Could it be that after 5 years of just you and DD she now is worried that your DP is going to change the balance/dynamic/ amount of attention she gets?

Windinmyhair · 23/04/2019 13:23

i heard my mum and dad having sex. I cried, my mum was very unsympathetic and pretty much told me to shut up/stop being silly.

I still remember that now. I wasn't allowed to process what i had heard or my emotional reaction. Whilst it is normal, it is young to hear something like that. She might not know why she cried. I didn't (and still don't really). It might have felt like an invasion of your privacy, like something she wasn't meant to have heard, she might feel guilty.

I guess as long as she knows she hasn't done anything wrong, but nor have you and all is ok, she will be fine.

Cheekyfeckery · 23/04/2019 13:24

God don’t get the mummy laid an egg book. I don’t think this is about sex, it’s an emotional reaction. And you aren’t making a baby.

Maybe she feels she’s losing you? She might have picked up on you intimacy with your DP and she could be scared.

You need to make sure she feels secure and loved. That she knows she is the priority. She’s already been through her family breaking up.

I find best time for conversations is in the car. No eye contact you see.

I heard my eldest’s and his girlfriend. It made me want to cry too.

YouBumder · 23/04/2019 13:25

It's so inappropriate

It’s grim to hear, granted and the thought of children waking are the reason our own sex life has taken a nosedive but how is it inappropriate for an adult to have consensual sex in their own home?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 23/04/2019 13:29

Blimey! All these kids damaged by the sound of their parents having sex. How strange.

BigFatLiar · 23/04/2019 13:30

But we all knew as children that parents just don't. Not parents!

Dyrne · 23/04/2019 13:31

I don’t think leaving her with the impression that sex is something shameful to be apologised for is very healthy, tbh... there’s definitely a happy medium

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 23/04/2019 13:31

If this is your first partner since splitting up with her dad then you and her have been a unit for a long time. She might be unsettled by the realisation that you have someone else to love in your life and be worried about being left out or being less important to you. It’s irrational but this could be a big change in her life so it’s understandable she might be upset.

Ellenborough · 23/04/2019 13:32

My mum used to do this with her partner in the house. I absolutely hated it. It scarred me. It's so inappropriate.

Same. It was horrible.

Same here too. Multiple men over the years. It's fucking grim. I'm not suprised she's crying, poor kid.

It's not the same as hearing your parents DTD, IMHO.

I agree. That's embarrassing and a bit weird but it doesn't make you want to scrub yourself.

TFBundy · 23/04/2019 13:33

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Qweenbee · 23/04/2019 13:36

I'd apologise for her hearing it and say I understand her being upset but I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I'd say it's something that people who love each other do but that it's not nice to hear it and you are sorry about that, then I'd change the subject. Dwelling on it will make her feel it's a bigger deal than it is.

Cheekyfeckery · 23/04/2019 13:36

Bibbity - this is a child who has already dealt with her parents splitting it, and her mum’s new partner. I’m guessing feelings of anxiety, insecurity, upset and hurt would be playing a part. Entirely different to hearing parents having sex.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 13:37

I'd apologise for her hearing it and say I understand her being upset but I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I'd say it's something that people who love each other do but that it's not nice to hear it and you are sorry about that, then I'd change the subject. Dwelling on it will make her feel it's a bigger deal than it is

That's really good advice.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/04/2019 13:37

Maybe she didn’t even hear you, but just thinks she heard you having sex. My dd is 11 and wouldn’t know what sex sounds like, she would think moaning was a nightmare, rather than assuming it was sex.
I think she is upset at the idea of you having sex, and what that means in terms of you loving someone else, being intimate with a new man etc, so I would talk through that with her, and give her lots of reassurance. You ask her what she heard that she assumed was sex.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:37

I realise that what she says doesn't make sense and it is odd. As I've said before I need to know why and how she knows this. I am careful of what is watched.
I've not deliberately sheltered her more a case of I thought she was too young to know about sex. Clearly not and I've a massive talk to have with her.

OP posts:
AllTheFunAndGames · 23/04/2019 13:40

Get her some headphones. No one wants to hear other people having sex and making sex noises.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:44

Good point thanks

OP posts:
Haffiana · 23/04/2019 13:50

Yep this doesn't make any sense from a child who should have no idea what having sex sounds like.

Something is very wrong here. It needs pursuing because something is very wrong with this whole scenario. What exactly has upset her?

TFBundy · 23/04/2019 13:50

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Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:54

I never heard my parents either. Although I do remember the hysterical laughing when their bed broke! My sister's and I had friends sleeping over. We were teenagers though.

I have not had multiple partners.

I agree with those who have said it will be unsettling and that she's worried about new relationship.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 23/04/2019 13:57

"I was 11 and her boyfriend was in the 6th form at the school where she was a dinner lady. "

WTF? Shock Good grief. Hearing your mother having sex with a schoolboy is very grim indeed. Did she know you could hear them?

Bellasorellaa · 23/04/2019 13:57

i saw my parents having sex at that age im now 28 and still remember lol she will get over it

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2019 13:58

I'd ask her if she wants to talk about what she was so upset about the other day and what she heard.

Ask her why she's so upset?

Ask her if she wants you to explain anything about when grown ups have sex

Ask is she's worried about anything.

Just keep it factual. I'm sorry you overheard. I'm sorry it upset you. Grown ups do it when thry love each much but I understand it isn't nice to hear it

Branleuse · 23/04/2019 14:02

I would just not mention it and move on. The least said the better, and its not like you can undo whats happened.
Dont have sex in the next room to her unless she is out of the house, or at the very least, learn to do it quietly in future

Floatingfancy · 23/04/2019 14:02

All these kids damaged by the sound of their parents having sex

Not their parents. Their parenT and a partner.