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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Dd heard us having sex

132 replies

Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 12:09

My DD is 9, she heard partner and I having sex, cringe for us all. She was mortified and was crying. I comforted her and apologised. I obviously need to talk to her. But how and how much do you say?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 12:55

Her dad and I haven't been together for 5 yrs this is my first partner.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 23/04/2019 12:57

Funny how when people respond to this as adults they say ah no problem but when people respond from childhood memories they are traumatic. Its clearly something we underestimate the effect of on kids! I think Im quite a prude and wouldn’t do it around kids. That’s probably why I’ve only got 2 kids!

AliceRR · 23/04/2019 12:57

I'd have fluffed it and said I must been having a bad dream

😂

I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that it’s harder because you were with someone other than her dad. We don’t know what her relationship with your partner is. I never heard my parents having sex and wouldn’t have liked it if I had. I don’t think you’ve don’t anything wrong but try to make more of an effort to keep things down and maybe talk to her about it to find out why she’s upset.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 12:58

Is he a new boyfriend?

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 23/04/2019 13:01

@legalseagull yes actually, it's not weird at all. If you knew literally anything about child abuse you'd know it's not ok. An accident that happens once, ok, move on but don't let it happen again. Repeatedly having sex knowing a child can hear you is fucked up.

www.stopitnow.org/advice-column-entry/my-daughter-heard-my-ex-husband-having-sex-with-his-girlfriend-is-this-child

MotherOfGodFella · 23/04/2019 13:01

If she only heard a few groans and you say she doesn’t know about sex bar the basics then how would she even know it was something to be upset/embarrassed about? Could she have seen something and doesn’t want to say? Because it seems odd that she’d even compute that you were having sex based on a few unfamiliar noises.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:01

We were old friends and he knows my children. We've been together for about 4mths before he stayed. He's my first partner since leaving husband 5yrs ago

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 13:04

Could she have seen something and doesn’t want to say? Because it seems odd that she’d even compute that you were having sex based on a few unfamiliar noises

Yes,this could be a possibility.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:05

Sorry don't know how to link to people.

She said she heard us having sex. I don't know how and why she knows this. I don't really know how to ask her.

OP posts:
gnushoes · 23/04/2019 13:07

Just take her for a walk or something where you don't have to make eye contact and say you understand she was upset and ask her to talk about why. You may need to reassure her that you weren't hurt, that grown-ups do this, etc.
And yes, she needs sex ed now. She could feasibly start periods in the next year or so. Mummy Laid An Egg is quite a fun book which you could use as part of it.

MotherOfGodFella · 23/04/2019 13:08

Well you probably need to ask as unless she either saw you or has seen porn somehow then I can’t see how she’d know that’s what the noises were.

CallMeRachel · 23/04/2019 13:09

She said she heard us having sex

How would a 9 yo know what sex sounds like??

She's either walked in on you or you've been screaming some really explicit stuff.

Original poster
Rowie00 · 23/04/2019 13:09

Thanks for all your replies. I'll look for the mummy laid an egg book and have a talk with her

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Prequelle · 23/04/2019 13:11

Tv? There's mild sex scenes in all sorts these days

And if they have an idea what sex is it isn't difficult to put things together. That's what I must have done when younger than her

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 13:11

Mummy laid an Egg is for kids of about 4. She's 9. She needs a book suitable for her age group. Usbourne is what we had,I'll see if I can find it...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 13:14

I had a quick Google,I think it was Growing Up .There seems to be a few of them. Ours was passed round to all my friends with kids,it was very factual and age appropriate.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 13:15

And yes, she needs sex ed now. She could feasibly start periods in the next year or so She could start them now,she's 9 which is not considered very young these days.

Dyrne · 23/04/2019 13:15

I agree with PP that if she’s very sheltered, she may think that Sex = Baby? I think you are well overdue for a chat about the facts of life and relationships, OP.

Stiffasaboard · 23/04/2019 13:16

So you have never discussed sex with her and she had only had the basic at school but she knew it was sex you were having?

Something is not at all right

And I think it’s pretty grim she obviously lay awake hearing you but didn’t feel she could shout out or anything. How long were you at it?

FWIW I heard my mum and her boyfriend more than once and it has caused me so many problems as an adult. I know ill be accused of exaggerating but it was actually really traumatic and I was a mixture of scared and confused and really upset by it.
It was a horrible awakening to what sex is and set the stall for me sadly.

I’ve discussed it with other friends who heard their parents vaguely once and as it was mummy and daddy they somehow didn’t find it as scary. To me as it was a man I didn’t know well it really upset me.

I’ll be accused of huge hyperbole here but it definitely affected my relationship with my mum

You have to talk to her. Apologise. Ask how she felt and how she knew and explain that although the noises sound upsetting or scary you were happy.

But do not let it happen again.

SylvanianFrenemies · 23/04/2019 13:17

I think the main thing would be see if she can say why she was upset. Reassure her that sex is normal and people make funny sounds when t hey do it, you weren't in pain etc. Also reassure her you aren't having another baby (if accurate!). I'm sure there won't be a repeat overbearing anytime soon.

Btw I overheard my parents twice (years apart). I am not scarred.

Floatingfancy · 23/04/2019 13:18

My mum used to do this with her partner in the house. I absolutely hated it. It scarred me. It's so inappropriate.

Same. It was horrible.

It's not the same as hearing your parents DTD, IMHO.

rachelfrost · 23/04/2019 13:19

I think your daughter was scared because she heard strange noises at night. Given her lack of sex ed she might not know what she was hearing and sex does sound freaky! I’d say you’re sorry you woke her, you were playing and you’ll try not to disturb her again.

Do start talking to your daughter about sex soon. Nothing graphic! But awknowledge that it exists, that it’s used to sell things, that it’s something two adults choose to do together. It’s important for her safety and good to establish that it’s okay to talk about with you about sex before she’s a preteen and everything is embarrassing.

3luckystars · 23/04/2019 13:19

I'd be crying if I heard my parents at it too.

mushforbrain · 23/04/2019 13:21

Different scenario but with regards to her reaction - when I started my period I told my mum and I started crying. She thought I was scared or worried but I wasn’t I was just embarrassed! I knew exactly what and why it had happened but was still embarrassed to talk about it so burst into tears!

AliceRR · 23/04/2019 13:22

I'd be crying if I heard my parents at it too

😂