What happens if you just can't do it anymore (opening post edited by MNHQ as it details suicide method)

Are you in England op? How many times are you needing to do the journey-It sounds a lot for you to manage. Do you think you could take a break from going to her for a while and have some time away for yourself? Caring for both parents at this stage is so very hard and draining. If her care package isn’t enough, social services may help to see what the next level of care would be, if she’s doesn’t have funds to manage herself?

What is the trouble releasing funds? Their funds I assume? Id report to social services. I assume the carers won’t come if not paid and then there will be a crisis. Normally followed by a hospital stay and then nursing home if appropriate.

Best thing for you to do is look after yourself and stop trying to pick up all the pieces as you are enabling the situation to continue.

You need to tell social services that you will no longer have any involvement in your parent's care and you could even look whether the LPA can go to an independent party. You don't want to lose your own health and sanity over this.

Give up the lpa. Inform care home / carers / social services / Gp / take a break and don’t come back you can visit but the mess will fall to social services.

It’s a simple form, you have to prioritise yourself now.

https://www.gov.uk/lasting-power-attorney-duties/stop-attorney

I don't know what to say other than my mother is disgusting, she is a compulsive liar, manipulative, attention seeking narcissist. I have had to turn my back on her. She treats everyone like slaves and if she doesn't get what she wants she will call ambulance, police, Drs, neighbors to get attention. No matter what we do for these mothers it is never enough so I now do nothing. I got abuse for being a kind good daughter so getting abuse for doing nothing is no different.
So many other peoples experiences on here that were similar made me realize that for my own sanity I had to walk away. I got strength from posters on here, I certainly lost the shame and guilt because I realized it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, there is just no pleasing or reasoning with them, it's not our fault we have been shackled to them.
You can not be forced to pay for their care, someone who knows about LPA will be along to advise you and what to do, I am deeply grateful for the advise here. Hang in there it will get better even if it looks impossible at the moment. I am sending you a hug x

I would ask the solicitor what happens if the payment to carers stops?
ARe you held responsible.
What happens if she is not cooperating in releasing funds. How is that resolved.

And until you know that info just stay away - why are you going???

You ring social services. Tell them you're no longer doing anything at all and the responsibility now lies on them and ignore all calls. It's the only way they'll do anything.

1- you dint have to go. Your dmother has carers coming, that’s what they are for. If it’s not enough, then time to look at the care home etc… with their ‘blessings’ iyswim
2- you certainly don’t have to fund her care!! What sort of problems is there around that?
3- you sound extremely down about the whole thing. Maybe it’s time fir you to put yourself first - take a break from being the dutiful daughter, see a GP (AD might help you in the short term)

Btw SS are VERY good at ensuring that family is doing as much of the work as possible.
If you want them to step up, you have to beat them at their own game and REALLY stop supporting your dmother so they have no choice bit to step in.

If you ask but you are still going there, and supporting your mum, they won’t lift a finger.

Step back

You don't have to pay and don't let them tell you that you do - it's a lie

Plan to see her once a month and block phone for a few days a week to maintain sanity

You must step away - you don't say how old your daughter is but you need to be there for her, not your mum especially if she is abusive to you. Hopefully the sleeping tablets will give you some decent sleep - being tired stops us thinking clearly. Your dad is safe where he is, your mum has carers looking after her - who is looking after you? You need to give the energy & effort you spend on her, to your DH & your daughter, and especially yourself. As others have said, it's the job of social services to work out what to do with your DM. Don't beg them for help - just tell them you're refusing further involvement.

What's the problem with the LPA? Why are you having to find the funds to pay for nursing home & carers?

Please please just step away. You sound like you are drowning and need to put on your own life jacket before you can help anyone else.
Your priority in life has to be your husband and child, your mother is taking away from this so you must stop seeing her.

Only when a crisis occurs will things change.
You have all the power. Force a crisis. Fill in the form, advise social services and step right away.

I wouldnt give up POA as it will make life easier for you in time. Having POA doesnt mean you give up your life. Your mum has carers, you can step back. Phone her, as a daughter but not a carer. If she gets abusive tell her you have to go. Was she always abusive and can she control the abuse when she needs to? Honestly you live too far away from your mum and your own child and husband need you and you are entitled to your own life. Did your mother put this effort into looking after her own parents? Mine didnt but expected a lot from me. I would advise you to think about how much help you are prepared to offer, how much help YOU can honestly realistically cope with, discuss it with your husband and stick to that. If thats one very short visit a month, or one short phone call a month, so be it. As the saying goes you dont have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are entitled to a life and you are in charge not your mother. I remember driving down to my parents to take them to the supermarket. My very elderly dad appeared in the room like a raging bull, pointing his finger and swearing at me. The same aggressive man that I had to put up with as a child. I sidestepped him and left. He got his groceries, how he did it was up to him. Set limits and stick to it, I would also write to SS as others have suggested and tell them clearly that you are stepping back, you live too far away from your mum and the constant abuse shes giving you is affecting your health and marriage. Make the point clearly that the responsibility is now theirs. Dont pay any of your own money for anything, that would be a big mistake.

Your daughter and husband need you. Nothing would be worse than you dying. The mess is overwhelming you. You will recover from this

Sometimes you have to force a crisis. Tell social services that you are having a mental health breakdown and you can no longer do anything. Then turn your phone off for a week. It'll get sorted.

I phoned social services and said i couldn’t continue to try and keep my DM in her own home. I said she’s laying in filthy bedding, unwashed for weeks and literally starving because I couldn’t get her to eat. They took it very seriously, she was sectioned the next day and taken to a psychiatric hospital before going to a nursing home.

You don’t need to pay for a nursing home, you can pay the fees when their property is sold.

That ^^
My mum fell and my dad had been asking for help for months. I told him not to get her up and once she was in hospital he needed to refuse to have her home
Thankfully once she was in hospital they saw she needed more care than my dad could provide

Contact SS say you cannot and are not coping any more. Tell them to contact you via email only for the next X amount of time, while you get yourself sorted. If there is scope for CHC is funding, they will soon sort it out!!

You have two choices

1 carry on as you are. You will become seriously ill and totally unable to cope. Social Services will step in very quickly.

2 completely walk out now. Social Services will step in very quickly.

Op

who are the full time carers that currently look after your mum? I’m guessing it’s not you as you don’t live with her.

step back and let her carers get on with it. you need to fit your own mask before you can help others to put theirs on.

carer breakdown is when SS need to step in and you need to step back. What is stopping you?

Stop paying & walk away.