What happens if you just can't do it anymore (opening post edited by MNHQ as it details suicide method)

If you can afford it, consider consulting an expert like Cate Searle. I really hope you get the help you need. What are the issues around releasing funds? https://www.ms-solicitors.co.uk/about-us/meet-the-team/cate-searle/

Stop it all with your mother. Put yourself and your family first. Your mother and her situation will destroy you if you allow it too.

I have a vile mother also, I've had to cut contact with her but luckily I'm not at the stage where you are,m she's younger amd hopefully will never bother me again.
Just interested... could this be dementia or has she always been like this? Ihope everything gets better for you, it's horrible feeling this powerless xxxx

Walk away OP.

Look after yourself and your own family. It's ok, to do this, it really is.

You will feel such relief.

For your own sanity, you need to take a break. Unfortunately, SS won't step in as long as they can persuade you to take the burden.
Often it takes a crisis to get them to intervene because the funding isn't there and they basically fight fires.
If you back off and let them know you are no longer supporting your mother they will have to, especially if she is causing problems like phoning police and ambulance all the time. It's more likely to force them to act.
It wont be easy, because you will get a lot of pressure to continue to provide support, you have to absolutely point-blank refuse to.

Agree with PP - just stop. What do you think will happen to her? What do you think she can do to you? She can make allegations - can she back anything up? No of course not. Just walk away - the carers will soon report a crisis - refuse to engage. They will go to SS - job done.

Sounds harsh but if it is affecting you that much then you need to cut her out of your life.

Neither you nor other family members should be paying for her care at all. Her assets should be assessed and depending on what she has, either funds will need to be released from those assets or her care should be free.

Go to a solicitor and instruct them to take over the LPA. Wash your hands of the whole thing. Social services CANNOT force you to take any part in your mother's ongoing care, no matter what they say. Some of them will manipulate you into feeling guilty if you don't. Tell them that you will not do it any more.

I also suggest that you make an urgent appointment to see a GP. You are in severe distress over this, and you have to put your own mental health first.

Where is your husband in this?

You really need to let social services deal with her. Once she is in a home then you can sell the house.

Why dont you ask your husband when he thinks it will be “enough”? You might just find he says it’s enough already. Would you let your child do all this for you? If not you know the answer. Write the letter to SS and step back. You’ve done enough and given enough. Just stop.

I’m still not clear from your update who the carers are: maybe micro carers is a typo, it’s not a term I know. Are they women who happen to live locally to your mother? What care do they provide - is it personal ie washing, toileting, taking medication etc? are they qualified carers, from an agency? Have your parents ever had a SS care assessment?

who is actually employing and paying for the carers? Is it you or your mother? It’s not clear (to me). What resources do your parents have in terms of paying for their care?

And what is your mothers condition? you mention a hip fracture: has she recovered from this? Does she have any other conditions (other than being a horrible person) that mean she needs care? Is it a temporary thing while she has a broken hip and your dads in hospital?

last questions: what’s the likely situation going forward? Is your dad going to come out of hospital and are they going to require ‘proper’ care when this happens? And where is your brother in all this?

It sounds awful OP and you sound traumatised. I agree with the above posters that say you need to step back.

OP, if you give a clearer picture as per @Chocchops72 questions, folk on this thread may be able to give more tailored suggestions. In the meantime I can only reiterate what I've said previously - you DO NOT need to carry this, step back & let SS take it on.

Deep breath OP.

so you arranged for the carers to come when your dad was no longer able to look after your mum. Then she wanted company at night so you engaged more of them. Do any of them actually live-in, like permanently ?

What is the arrangement with the carers ? do you have a contract with them individually? And who’s paying for them? If it’s you, presumably you can ‘fire’ whichever one is causing the problems? If you are struggling to assert yourself with them, can your husband help?

i read a little on micro-providers. Given the crisis in care recruitment I can see why they have emerged, but it looks like a recipe for abuse and exploitation by unregulated careers. They aren’t supervised by either SS or by any agency? Do they do personal care for your mum?

what is your mothers condition? Has she been diagnosed with dementia or anything else? Other than her hip fracture, I’d there any thing wrong with her? Has she ever had a care assessment done or any SS involvement? I’m trying to work out what her actual level of need is, and whether she has capacity to make decisions.

Go to see your own GP
Tell them you have carer burnout.
Get a letter from the GP confirming this
Give copy of letter to SS or get GP to email SS saying there is no more you can do and it is up to SS who have a duty of care to your Mum but also to YOU
BIG hugs - it's shit

Closing down all requests by stating you “don’t have capacity to deal with this at present” isnt self pitying. If you don’t like that statement find another (even if it is “no, I don’t think so”) and stick to it at each request. Keep a note of the chosen statement at your phone so you don’t go off message and say it clearly and then put the phone down immediately. No conversation. The requests will stop if they are stonewalled. You’ve done enough. More than enough.

It's really hard to see when your in the thick of it, but your drowning in a puddle. All you need to do is step out. I have been there but with my child. I chose not to step out as it was my child and the outcome was worth the risk of drowning. Is your mum worth it? She will never thank you for this. Never.

But - and I don't want to be self pitying like my mother - I have felt all along, for years now, people, doctors, etc just want me to patch myself up and deal with everything.

So what? They can want all they want to, it doesn't mean you have to comply.

Did your father ever protect you from your mother during your childhood? It sounds like he has gone along with whatever she wanted for a quiet life, and now he can't you are being expected to fill his slot. You don't have to. You can choose to walk away, even if it's incredibly hard to do.

Look for the Stately Home thread on the Relationships board: you'll find some good advice on there. Or a good therapist / counsellor.