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Elderly parents

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Original poster

DF dying, again, in hospital but wants to be home

73 replies

Needaholidayyesterday · 18/02/2023 21:29

I posted on hollypock’s , but actually probably need to start my own.

DF is dying, again.

He was last week, then rallied, several times on repeat, and now is nil by mouth and we are looking at palliative care unless he makes an enormous improvement in swallowing by tomorrow.

He desperately wants to be at home, has dementia but is relatively lucid today.

I have absolutely no idea how to do this. He’s incredibly frail. He’s on oxygen, can I even bring him home with that?

how do I get him discharged, who should I ask to speak to in hospital tomorrow. His carer thought earlier today that he was approaching the end, and then 4 hours later after I drove far too fast half way up the country, through tears, only for him to perk up again.

OP posts:

lightlypoached · 08/03/2023 04:46

Oh I'm sorry. You were wonderful and fought his corner right to the end. He would have loved that.

Sending unmunsnetty hugs to you today.

And cheerio to your lovely dad too, he sounded like a real character ❤️

Iizzyb · 08/03/2023 05:34

Sending love and condolences OP you've been a brilliant daughter supporting your DF with his final days I hope in time that will be a comfort for you xxx

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/03/2023 05:39

So sorry. Just going through similar (although no dementia involvement), however dad didn’t end up getting home and died suddenly in his own hospital room at the weekend. On reflection it probably worked out for the best for him. He had built up a good relationship with the ward staff over the month he was in and was comfortable there. We had JUST started thinking about a bedbound discharge plan but we had no idea when the end would be because he didnt have cancer or anything and was doing ok with a nasal feeding tube (mechanical/obstructive swallowing issue rather than not wanting to eat, so risk of aspiration). He had other general heart and respiratory weaknesses though so was very frail, recovering from a risky emergency hernia op.

he loved his wine too and missed being able to have it . We were laughing about if it would be possible to inject it into his nasal tube on birthdays etc.

on reflection I think he would have been glad not to have put my mum through the stress of being his main carer if he had come home . She is younger than him and in good health but I was under no illusion as to how hard it would be if it went on long term at home even with 4 carer visits a day. in the end he went suddenly in hospital and I don’t think he would have been aware. His heart just couldn’t take it anymore. So he did die with the hope that he might get home as we were making tentative plans for discharge in a few weeks, which brings some comfort.

Today would have been their 53rd wedding anniversary. It’s sad that he didn’t get to see it or see his favourite team, Liverpool, trounce Man U at home on Sunday!

but he’d lived a long and happy life which we can be grateful for. I hope you can say the same for your dad. Not everyone gets that, do they?

thinking of you. Cherish the memories. X

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/03/2023 09:21

Condolences

Seewood · 08/03/2023 11:56

What a journey you have been on to fulfil the wishes of a marvellous, eccentric father. Sending you strength and comfort.
x

Mum5net · 08/03/2023 12:15

@Needaholidayyesterday You and your DF sound lovely. Sorry for your loss. He would be so proud.

@CurlyhairedAssassin condolences to you, too.

mumof31968 · 08/03/2023 13:10

Sorry for your loss

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 14:17

How wonderful that you managed to give him his last days how he wanted. You worked so hard for that. My thoughts are with you.

And @CurlyhairedAssassin , my condolences to you, too. Sometimes, fate takes a hand and plans change but, indeed, it's not always for the worse. He was in excellent caring hands. Can't ask much more than that.

Take care of yourselves, both of you. x

SinisterBumFacedCat · 08/03/2023 14:22

So sorry for your loss OP. We have to be practically warriors for our parents. I bet your DF was so proud of you 💐

PermanentTemporary · 08/03/2023 18:16

Im going to say Vale rather than 'so sorry' because it feels like a salute to your dad and to you for slashing through the barriers to get him the last days he deserved.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 08/03/2023 18:35

I am so sorry for your loss 💐. I am so pleased your DF got his wish, and I hope that brings you great comfort.

DPotter · 08/03/2023 18:45

I'm so sorry about your Dad. Please look after yourself

nocoolnamesleft · 08/03/2023 18:51

You gave him an amazing gift by getting him home. Now try to take some time for yourself.

Motnight · 08/03/2023 18:52

PermanentTemporary · 08/03/2023 18:16

Im going to say Vale rather than 'so sorry' because it feels like a salute to your dad and to you for slashing through the barriers to get him the last days he deserved.

What a lovely post. I echo it.

nunsflipflop · 09/03/2023 00:42

So sorry for your loss. So glad you got him home, just as he wanted x

thisisasurvivor · 09/03/2023 00:57

Needaholidayyesterday · 08/03/2023 03:29

DF just died
he waited until I and carer were out of the room
he is at peace
finally

I am so sorry for your loss

May he rest in peace xxxxxx

Tornado70 · 09/03/2023 06:52

Sending condolences and love.

hollypocks · 09/03/2023 22:14

@Needaholidayyesterday just logged in and seen your update. So very sorry that you DF has died but was cheering on your sheer bloody mindedness to get him home and advocate for him. You are incredible.
hope you are managing through the haze of exhaustion and disbelief. Message me anytime

DuckDuckNo · 09/03/2023 23:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.
You did good. You did right by him.

SoulCaptain · 09/03/2023 23:08

So sorry OP. It sounds like you made his last few days very special.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/03/2023 22:31

Just popping back to see how you are, OP. Hope you're ok. I was wondering whether your father had any particular funeral wishes, because he sounds like he had quite specific tastes.

Thankyou to those who also sent me condolences. It's very kind.

Original poster

Needaholidayyesterday · 11/03/2023 23:31

Thank You

i didnt always post on these boards but read them often, if only to keep a hold on my own sanity when I saw I wasn’t the only one with an elderly and sometimes very difficult parent.

he wasn’t always difficult
and the last few days have washed away the last few years.

there have been tears, laughter, completely inappropriate giggles and some great funeral plans coming together.

you are quite right, it will be as eccentric as him. While in a church, so our swearing must be temporarily toned down.

much of him (ashes) will be buried where he wished.

And with my brothers agreement a small amount kept for clandestine scattering at F1 racetracks around the world.

OP posts:

Fifi0000 · 11/03/2023 23:36

Awww how lovely you were able to do this and he had a good passing . My nan had the same she really wanted to die at home , she had a syringe driver put in and the bed ordered. She died the very same night as arriving home her last words were "what time was EastEnders on?" She must have felt ready to let go it was very peaceful. I hope when my time comes it's something similar.

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