Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

DF dying, again, in hospital but wants to be home

73 replies

Needaholidayyesterday · 18/02/2023 21:29

I posted on hollypock’s , but actually probably need to start my own.

DF is dying, again.

He was last week, then rallied, several times on repeat, and now is nil by mouth and we are looking at palliative care unless he makes an enormous improvement in swallowing by tomorrow.

He desperately wants to be at home, has dementia but is relatively lucid today.

I have absolutely no idea how to do this. He’s incredibly frail. He’s on oxygen, can I even bring him home with that?

how do I get him discharged, who should I ask to speak to in hospital tomorrow. His carer thought earlier today that he was approaching the end, and then 4 hours later after I drove far too fast half way up the country, through tears, only for him to perk up again.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 20/02/2023 21:40

Also get the details about swallowing if you haven't already had them from the speech therapist. If you don't see them on the ward, ring the hospital adult speech therapy department between 830 and 9, or 4 to 430. Find out what his swallow looked like and what the options are.

Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 21/02/2023 06:20

Thanks
Not home quite yet but plan in place
Hopefully will be later today

OP posts:
Tornado70 · 21/02/2023 06:32

Sending best wishes to you OP. I do hope your plans have come together.

Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 22/02/2023 05:12

No

not yet

but I’m fed up with shouting at the wind and being ignored

so have engaged a barrister to advocate for him

he will be home today

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 23/02/2023 02:03

oh ffs he’s still not bloody home yet

I’ve been awake now since 8am Tuesday. Couldn’t sleep Tuesday night at all waiting to rescue him.

Contacted pals several times by phone and email and finally drove to hospital 9am Wednesday. The pals woman was absolutely lovely, took notes and went into ward and they allowed me in to rounds to see consultant. They agreed I could take him home yesterday but he was no longer in a fit state to go in wheelchair and my car so needed stretcher and ambulance.

call at 3 to say booked
call at 8 to say delays
and here I am at 2am Thursday and he’s still not arrived

have they killed him?
lost him?

😫

I don’t even have a number I can call

I’m shivering with cold and tiredness under a duvet, oodie, blankets and a cat.

OP posts:
Netaporter · 23/02/2023 02:11

You poor thing. My DF sadly passed away in April. Also had the same rallying/decline. Also waited hours for him after he once got lost in the ambulance system. He also had dementia. If anything, the system needs to bring back the small, local geriatric care units to prevent this sort of occurrence.

Can you catch an hour of sleep now?

MarshaMelrose · 23/02/2023 02:12

My bils mother was due to go go back to her home two weeks ago. Cancelled because of strikes. Due to go home last Wednesday. Delayed through strikes. Due to go home this Tuesday gone. Equipment at her home not correct so ambulancemen refused to take her. She got home yesterday.
It can be such a battle to do anything through the nhs. It's just hit and miss. If the worse comes to the worse, could you hire a private ambulance?

Seewood · 23/02/2023 02:17

🤞Try to get a few hours’ sleep. He’ll need you “fully charged”.

StopStartStop · 23/02/2023 02:22

just sending you love. you're a fabulous dd. I hope I'm as good when it comes to it.

Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 23/02/2023 02:24

I’m trying

but he’s coming home in private ambulance already. Arranged by hospital. I guess because of stretcher and caseloads and -perhaps my emergency barrister on standby. So I don’t have a number to call them as hospital arranged

I'm in absolute agony with my fanjo too 😫& massive LS flare too, so I cannot even sit comfortably. Have to lie on my side when not on a hard plastic chair waiting for people to do things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 23/02/2023 02:25

I know. A local small Geri ward would have made such a difference

or if we’d refused hospital and had insisted on hospital at home. But that might have killed him too,

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 23/02/2023 02:27

Sorry you are going through this too

we had bed ordered but give it the mattress and then side rails arrived broken

sometimes you just have to laugh. Black humour helps

I think the junior drs were a little shocked when I said if he wouldn’t fit in my car I could always strap him to the roof 😳. It’s just my way of coping with everything right now

but perhaps it would have been a better idea if I had!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 23/02/2023 02:28

😳😳😳

I was meant to be replying to posts ^

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 24/02/2023 17:12

Any sign of him yet?!!

Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 24/02/2023 20:19

Yes thankfully
home and he recognises it and his regular carer
I’m throwing money at the problem. His, he’s lucky to have enough to spend his final days as well as possible.

I find at work it usually resolves most issues. So he has fabulous 24 hour care.
Although I am finding that every other sentence seems to be, ‘really, are you absolutely sure? how can we action this, money is NO object. ‘

it won’t be long
my brother arrives tomorrow
and I doubt he will be here by next weekend as he’s not wanting to eat or drink

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 25/02/2023 01:25

That's both happy and sad news. But how fantastic that you've managed to pull it all together so he can spend his last days surrounded by the people he loves best.

I used to wish mum and dad had spent all their money and enjoyed every scrap because they could always get their care funded. But having been through the care system with my mum, I'm so glad she has the money to give herself choices so I'm free to put her wherever I think is best and pull her out if she's unhappy.

Well done you for being so persistent in sticking with your plan for what is best for your dad. It's so easy to fold in the face of NHS inflexibility and disorganisation. I wish you, your father and your brother all the best. x

ToLongToCharge · 25/02/2023 01:36

Glad you got him home OP

nunsflipflop · 25/02/2023 01:44

My dad got home too. Funded by CHC put in place by the hospital, so he had a live in carer. Was supposed to have been hospice care at home. Very poor service until I asked for a bed for him actually in the hospice, then I could have pretty much anything I wanted.

I wish your wonderfully eccentric father, the journey he wants and that it is peaceful for you all.

mumof31968 · 25/02/2023 08:43

My father wanted to pass at home and he did , was very sad to see him but that's what he wanted. Was just over 2 years ago.

Solasum · 05/03/2023 21:30

I am so glad he made it home.

My father died last year, and it was a battle to get him home too. He was so pleased to make it.

Talk to him as much as you can. I didn’t talk enough and now regret it.

Make sure you have all the pain killers and anti-emetics the nurses will need.

💐 for you

Original poster
Needaholidayyesterday · 08/03/2023 03:29

DF just died
he waited until I and carer were out of the room
he is at peace
finally

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 08/03/2023 03:32

So sorry for your loss. I'm glad he was able to be at home and at peace. X

Pirrin · 08/03/2023 03:46

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful last gift that you were able to give him, getting him home (in spite of all those hurdles) where his death could be just as he wanted. I hope that gives you some peace too Flowers

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/03/2023 03:57

I'm.very sorry. It sounds as though you did everything you could for him, and he was able to die at home. Thinking of you

Goodread1 · 08/03/2023 04:23

Hi Op
You sound like a wonderful good daughter to your wonderful eccentric dad,
Glad you and him got realised his final wish

Sorry he is now passed over