Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

It's just that I didn't think we had one locally but it turns out we do, I saw them fundraising at a local fair and went over for a chat. It all sounds very hard for you

All of you dealing with siblings in denial of reality have my heartfelt sympathy and understanding.

@glasswings it sounds like things are moving quite fast. I hope you can get someone 'official' in who will tell SIL she can stand down.

We have stopped moving, sil has decided now that mil only needs overnight care, she has forgotten that none of us are willing or able to do that. Honestly it’s exhausting - she says she thinks a care home is the only option then she withdraws - none of us are allowed a say except her. I’ll say this again - I will never do this to my kids!

@glasswings
Is SIL speaking to you individually? Maybe in the hope one of you will back down?
Can one of the siblings do some local research and find some alternatives, or speak to GP for clarification about overnight carers, hospice at home etc.

Despite a lot of performative "I don't think it will all be sorted" from FIL, there is now space for a hospital bed to be put in MIL room, and her old (vile, unsanitary) bed has been dismantled and put in the garage "for now" aka "forever" as far as I am concerned.

Glad MIL is actually getting a number of assessments in hospital that we have been badgering about for years, although they are all painting a rather bleak picture of her frailty. She is stuck in denial though and doesn't agree with their assessments and keeps saying she will get better and that the approach should be about getting her walking again and independent. Trying the angle of "this is to help get you strong again so we can talk about a plan to get you walking again". It's tragic and maddening in equal parts and feels so infantilising. We have enquired about getting her some counselling or therapy but she would need to engage with it to proceed and that's just so unlikely.

Just waiting with baited breath to see what happens once the bed has arrived, care package in place and discharge agreed... All depends on how long FIL will hold out on letting the carers in and holding firm on her needing additional care, regardless of what MIL says.

I don’t know where we are today we thought we were moving to care home and now that’s not on the cards - we’re looking for over night care. I have no idea what’s going on - we have stopped giving an opinion or trying to find solutions, we are suggesting sil just does what she wants/feels is right as that’s what happens anyway. Feel emotionally wrung out.

I don't blame you glasswings. No point banging your head against a brick wall continually. And it's not as if SIL will ever be able to say you never expressed an opinion.

Well, today's the day. I'm picking up my mother and brother at lunchtime and taking them out to a place of their choosing. I've told my brother (jokingly but actually seriously!) that I expect him to wash!!!

We got here in Saturday and have laid (lain?) low. Actually had a very nice time - we met with my oldest friend (50+yrs!) for a curry on sat night, then spent yesterday revisiting some of my favourite local. For a long time I've thought that it would be nice to be here for a holiday and do what I want, without having to wrap every day around family commitments and duties, so yesterday was that day.

I suspect lunchtime will pass reasonably uneventfully, my mother won't air any dirty laundry in public. I am not going into the house. But I'll have a chance to see her physical and cognitive state in action. It helps to remember that she's a frail old lady and not really that scary!

On a slightly different note but more worrying to me, my OH (who is 3 years older than me) is showing signs of possible cognitive decline so I'm q anxious about that.

@glasswings SIL is too close now. All she can see is the problem straight in front of her not the wider issue.

@Eclipsing fingers, toes and eyes crossed for a successful day.

@glasswings I think GnomeDePlume in right- it sounds like your SIL is in panic mode and just focussing on having to keep going as she's been doing. If she doesn't make a decision to bring in external carers quickly I think the only thing you can do is call social services and ask for an emergency assessment.

@Eclipsing I'm glad you've managed to do some enjoyable things on your visit. Re your OH's possible decline- does he recognise this himself? My advice would be to try to get medical assessments as soon as possible. There may be numerous reasons for it so there could be something very treatable that you can deal with and not be worried about constantly. Or maybe just general aging. But even if there is something more worrying the earlier you start treatment and getting plans in place the better. Looking back, DM was showing signs of decline for at least 15 years before it got so that the changes couldn't be covered up or explained away. I know from our discussions when we first asked for assessments etc that she'd been worried about it for years but hadn't wanted to accept it, and trying to cover it up was exhausting. Hopefully it will be nothing to worry about.

@glasswings I'm sorry it's all so hard. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break from it all if you can. It's emotionally draining.

@Eclipsing good luck for today! I am sending positive vibes. I hope things are okay with your OH too, you are already dealing with so much.

Went to visit my DM yesterday. Took her shopping and out for coffee which she enjoys and usually makes her behaviour better. Sorry, I know that sounds infantilising but it is true. She did manage to offend my teenage son by telling him that his "cheeks have got chubby, probably because you haven't been exercising" (he's been injured and in plaster for several weeks). For the record, he's slim and super fit. He asked me on the way home if he was getting fat which was heart breaking as he has never questioned his body shape/size before. Thanks Mum.

Thanks all, it seems that we are proceeding with the care home again, we’re laying low for now as whatever we say we seem to get it wrong. Everyone’s very emotional. We’ve said we’ll help if asked.
@Eclipsingworrying about you dh - has he mentioned it?

Yesterday (the meeting with DM) was a bit of an anticlimax, though better that way than the opposite! There were a few silences that weighed a bit heavily but we got through.

I didn't go into her house, nor was I asked in. We went for lunch. She has aged a lot in the last 2 years and needs help walking, but that's because of her eyesight - she can't safely see trip hazards. She accepted my hand/arm without fuss when necessary.

My sister has been worried about her fading away but she scarfed down a main course and pudding with no problems!

So - a semisuccessful visit, I feel.

That's good news. Uneventful is good.

My sister says that the house is a bit better as my mother has employed a cleaner(!) but I wouldn't be surprised if DM has a change of heart there and quickly reverts to type. We'll see.

I couldn't get a handle on any level of cognitive decline. DS says her short term memory is v poor, but it was clear from body language and facial expression that she didn't hear a lot of what was said, but would look blank then smile and nod.
Of course you don't know that's happening on the phone. But if she doesn't hear something, of course she's not going to remember it. Allowing for that, she didn't seem much different to me from last time I saw her, at the end of last year. She was dressed appropriately and at least her clothes looked clean, although didn't smell great!

Mil passed away in her sleep, the tensions around decision melted away with her passing and the family are supporting each other. Thank you for being there, it been a tough few months but I’m glad the family are finally pulling in the same direction - there’s enough pain to process.
My thoughts are with you lovely people who are still going through this - it continues to test the best of us. Xx

Condolences @glasswings

I'm glad the end was peaceful @glasswings and that family differences have been put aside. Sending condolences.

I'm so sorry @glasswings but glad it was a peaceful death.

Condolences @glasswings glad it was peaceful.

Long time lurker first time poster on this thread

Today’s saga: Arrgghhh! Bloody OT!!

Our dad is 93 and in failing health. He’s been living in sheltered housing for past three years. He’s had numerous falls - some more serious than others - and could no longer manage the stairs at home. We were very lucky to find this flat for him and it’s been great til now. The staff are only there during the day to cook and clean. Something various healthcare professionals have been told over and over again.

Since getting his small flat his conditions have worsened and he now can only walk very short distances with a walker and is very very wobbly when he does. He’s got continence issues, a heart condition and is registered blind. Since his last fall he’s had carers in morning and evening to help him up and back into bed. We hoped this might at least get him to the new year. But he fell two weeks ago, back in hospital, and has been in bed until yesterday with back pain. Pain so bad he’s now on morphine, though they have finally got him into a bedside chair.

He’s had a several falls that have taken him into hospital, usually every few months. From there he’s been discharged to assess at a local rehab unit. Their task being to do what they can to patch him up and back home. As usual he’s very dismissive of his condition and convinced he’ll be fine once he’s been in the rehab unit. Only we know he won’t be and that it’s wishful thinking on his part.

This time though myself, my DB, step Sis and Bro are of a mind that he needs to be somewhere with staff 24/7. He has an emergency fob and they’re very good but it can take an hour and more to get to him, then there’s a wait for an ambulance. On top of all this due to new medication the Doc made it clear if he falls and splits his head he could bleed out quite quickly - of course he thinks this won’t happen, neither the falling nor the cutting his head.

So we’ve been looking at homes and think we’ve found a suitable one and when DB and I visited him he seemed accepting he’d have to move - as in I know I have to but I don’t really want to. Then the OT visited him going all in on the ‘it’s his choice’, totally ignoring his current condition and ongoing issues. So now he thinks he’s been given a way out of having to move. I totally get safeguarding aspect of the OT job but she really hasn’t help Dad. Hanging her whole argument on capacity does him no favours. As a sop she offered to have his flat assessed - it’s been done twice this year already following other falls and has all the adaptations it can have.

My DB visited him yesterday and he’s back to coming up with spurious reasons not to move - ‘Do the rooms have microwaves? How do I do my breakfast if it doesn’t….’.

Like I said bloody OT!

@glasswings, condolences but as others have already said, it's good that your MIL was peaceful at the end and she would probably have chosen to be in her own bed at home like this.

@Laughingravy , how frustrating! I agree that some HCPs seem to put capacity above common sense. The law says that the default position has to be that a person has capacity unless proven (proved?) otherwise. But many people don't understand about capacity and how to assess it so that's really not helpful!

A good HCP/SW will show willing to capacity but have a persuasive manner and somehow manage to get a sensible decision. "Obviously it's your decision but....." A bad one will throw a spanner in the works and consolidate the problems. We've met with both over the years

@glasswings Im sorry for your loss.

@Laughingravy I know it’s difficult but I found it useful to have a quiet word with medical professionals before they talked to the EP. I spent a lot of time on the phone tracking them down!

Can you position the care home as a short term temporary solution to let him recuperate. It’s a good way to do a trial where he evaluates the care home.

@Laughingravy that really wasn't helpful, were they new to the job? Is there still a chance that your dad will be assessed as not being able to live independently - can you get a second opinion?