Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

I think I find it hard as she wants to go to the doctors straight away and shows me something like a rash and I will ask how long she has had it and it will be something like 1-2 days but then rushes to the doctors and I have learnt not to say ‘well wait a week to see if it just goes’ as that isn’t the right answer but don’t feel like I have the level of empathy as my emotional limit is exhausted with just keeping on top of admin for two houses.

And then I feel awful as she is a great MIL and is kind but I feel exhausted myself and just cannot give anything else on top of the practical support I already give.

Oh yesterday’s visit to MIL did not go well. I ended up being very short with her several times.
It was the pre op for her pessary removal op. She was v cross at having to wait 30 mins to be seen, convinced they had forgotten about her. She was v cross at all the “nosy” medical question, v cross they couldn’t tell her exactly what op entails, v cross they couldn’t tell her why dr apparently hadn’t given her a hysterectomy 20 years ago, v cross the pessary had been put in “ without her knowledge “ two years ago. Is that possible? She was in hospital for the prolapse, surely she would have had to sign consent? I didn’t, but didn’t have POA then, and there was no one else. She says now she would never have let them do it, but I’m not sure, she’s been fine with the pessary and it’s helped her loads. If she’d only looked at the hospital letters telling her to attend follow ups…
We then had to phone consultant’s secretary to find out about op. They said she would have to heal before they could stabilise the prolapse again.
That was it, not going will just live with it, too much hassle, am incontinent anyway(?) just want left alone…
I do get it, she’s scared, and tired. But an unresolved pessary can cause all sorts of really serious problems. The Drs aren’t going to these lengths to remove it for shits and giggles. Somehow the whole thing is my fault, or to do with me somehow and it is causing resentment.
Plus she won’t stop criticising her carers. She will only allow two 15 minute visits a day to administer eye drops. They also take her rubbish to the bin, then ‘play on their phones’. But they won’t do a hands turn for her, do nothing etc,etc…because she won’t let them! She would never even let them make her a cup of tea, wipe a dish or anything. So now they know, so they don’t offer. And that is their fault, they’re just lazy, she says to anyone who’ll listen. Then gets cross with me when I point out she won’t let them.
Now I’ve got to wait on hold for operation date. And just pray she tells me!
If she refuses the operation though, I’m going to seriously struggle though, I’ll have to distance myself for a bit,which feels very cruel, but I cannot keep trying to persuade her. She needs to come to the decision on her own I think.
oh, sorry for yet another rant!
( plus I went on Wednesday, planning an afternoon out prior to going to house of doom, but my train was cancelled 3 times, twice when sitting on it then delayed so when I arrived I only had time for a quick meal before I had to go to her house not the relaxing museum trip I’d hoped for, and then had to face her mood because I arrived an hour after I said I would! Now I know, train is not better than plane for this journey, it’s all a 6-7 hour trip to get there whatever way I go.)

OMG @Podgedodge what a nightmare.
I'd have needed valium after that lot.

Thanks @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
Most annoying thing, I’m not feeling great digestion wise and alcohol exacerbates it so couldn’t even drink😂😂

@Podgedodge Sounds very much like my Elderly Relative. I find the best thing is not to question what she says about "they didn't tell me they were going to do x, y, z", or any of the other very-likely fictional encounters with medical professionals she talks about, but just to tum-tee-tum along and make sympathetic noises (while in my head focussing very deliberately on my shopping list or drive home or planning a nice run, so I'm not actually internalising any of her moaning). She just likes to blame someone and likes the attention. Same with the carers, she appreciates the sympathetic noises.

The thing that really helps me is sometimes when I'm talking to ER, I imagine I'm in a play. I find that helps quite a lot with producing the "right" emotional response without letting the negativity and resentment be internalised.

Oh no! Sounds very much like my mother and I suspect we will have this exact scenario going forward. Finally after three years of her refusing treatments, refusing to go to appointments etc she was finally fitted yesterday with a pessary for her prolapse. He refusal for treatment had got so bad that it was literally hanging down between her legs which meant she could hardly walk anywhere. Turning point was finding a carer she would actually listen to who attended the appointment with her despite at 8am refusing to get out of bed and telling my Dad she was too ill and to cancel the appointment.

Our relief was short lived when I realised it needs changing/cleaning every 4-6 months so I think we will end up on the same merry go round as you with her refusing to go. Even the complaint about waiting for even a short time is my Mum all over. Apparently they should give her priority because she’s old!!

However, as you have POA, can you not set her GP app on your phone? It has been invaluable at times to keep up with appointments and know what’s going on? It also means we can see what’s been said in appointments to make sure she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing. Neither me or my sister are local but if we know she’s meant to be using cream twice a day or whatever we can tell the carers so they can keep on top of it. My mother supposedly has capacity but she has the memory span of a gnat (complete with the never ending’ ‘no one told me’) and such poor cognitive function that she can’t grasp that refusing to do anything about her prolapse means her mobility continues to be greatly reduced and she’ll be in pain daily.

Roundaboutthehillsareshining, sometimes I pretend I'm in The Truman Show.

I know it says thanks, but the reaction was a genuine round of applause for your performance!! It's a funny kind of dissociation, isn't it?! ;)

to everyone dealing with ER who refuse scheduled treatment then get cross when things get worse or they have to wait

My DM is quite the opposite. She would like to be taken to the GP/hospital for 'tests' for any minor ache or illness. She has a cold at the moment and has called me several times this week to ask if she should be going to the hospital about it. I think she likes the attention but if she didn't obsess about her medication/going to the doctor etc she could have the same time spent with her doing something enjoyable. She is also pushing to be given bowel and breast cancer screening (she's past the age cut-off for automatic screening invitations). She survived cancer previously and I have tried to gently suggest that at her age and with her other conditions surely she would not want to have years of invasive treatment again if screening did show a problem. But she and Brother are adamant she should be treated exactly the same as if she was in her 40s and in good health.

I assume those with ER who are sensibly between these extremes and accept appropriate treatment but don't want to visit the GP every day/accept that they are not immortal do not feel the need to post here!

@PerdreLeBleu , solidarity! Sound so similar, it’s actually quite comforting. I am generally being contacted now, but the problem started when I didn’t have POA and we are dealing with the fallout now.
For those recommending acting a part, every time before I go I tell myself to not argue, that it makes not a blind bit of difference, and I’m getting a wee bit better, but after the night and day of it my patience runs out. I dont have much to start with. It would be so much better for me if I could make myself do it, it’s my own fault. I will keep trying…
(one of the )thing I find most difficult is she asks for confirmation of what she says, and won’t stop asking till I give it. And I feel I’ve let myself down if I agree with the stupid things she is saying, and then I hear her on the phone to my daughters saying… and your mum agrees that… I know they know better, but it doesn’t sit well with me. It is a me problem I know.
@bigdogpaws I can see the opposite problem is just as frustrating!
I was so lucky with my own parents end of life, was horrible but not this long drawn out half life poor MIL is in. Or seems to be from the outside.

@bigdogpaws my mum just feels like she's dismissed when she does go to the doctor.
She's pissed off that she got signed out of the falls clinic and her GP surgery hasn't followed up and checked on her after they took her off one blood pressure medication.
She is still falling over and cross about it.