Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Hello this is my first post having lurked in this thread for a little while. I don't even think I am after advice (I already know the answer to be honest) so it is more a place to just let things out. I am coming off of a week without any incident and have just become well enough to articulate my feelings on the whole matter. It has left me feeling very down, fatigued and generally feeling like rubbish. This post is a long one...

I am the tech support go-to for, in this instance, elderly parents. Thankfully and at this time it is really only this side of things I am assisting with but the previous week of issues has shown me just what 'future' I have in store for me. There is a tonne of childhood and teenage years baggage surrounding them and also around this title I have acquired due to the way I became involved in 'IT support' in the first place but that is a whole heap of mess that would quadruple this post's length.

Since the age of 15 (I am now mid forties) I have become the all-things-technological specialist. Name something not run with cogs and I am (apparently) an expert and God help me if I don't know. This has led to many conflicts in the past and an incident with their telephone line last year that almost finished me. A week after a shock bereavement I am up there pissing around with cables and liaising with the phone company as my father is pretty much deaf - an issue he will not even begin to look at getting helping with.

There had been a few smaller moments that week regarding my mother's smart phone. The bloody phone confounds her and I am unable to get things to sink in; she has always been this way - happy to the be the Luddite so I don't think it is particularly cognitive decline but I cannot be totally sure. She is almost proud of not understanding any form of technology however long it has been existence for.

Anyway, I receive a panicked text from my mother stating they have a "major banking problem" early on the Friday morning and have for a couple of days; father has not slept etc etc - The sitting-on-a-problem-for-two-days-then-exploding-with-panic is the standard M.O. for them. I fly into a blind panic as my first thought is they have lost money to a scam. I phone back and ask what is going on - thankfully no money has been lost and in the most calm way I can muster I ask her some simple questions to try to ascertain the problem. Neither of them understand the most basic of jargon so I am left talking in a manner as if I would a 5-year-old.

I drive to their house to discover my father has managed to lock himself out of his online banking due to the way he had tried to transfer money (all above board but flagged as possible fraud).

He is not that capable with technology and it is becoming a problem. He has never listened to me and he is now mostly deaf so he literally cannot hear me thus providing help is a nightmare. He is an impatient man and I really do not like helping him. He has always been like this, no one has ever reigned him in especially my enabling mother so in old age his obstinate nature and temper have been amped up further. He is moaning to me whilst I check his login details saying that he knew I couldn't help – nice isn't it. The reason I was checking for myself was to see with my own eyes what message was being displayed to the screen so I could assist further. Saying "I cannot log into the bank" means nothing to me without error messages. In short, a visit to the bank, and me doing the talking fixes the issue. All is well for the time being...

Guess what? A day later they manage to balls up their internet connection by attempting to connect a new router. I was unaware they were getting a new one and so off they go like a bull in a china shop on another escapade of technological incompetence. Instead of being glad of the win with the banking they cannot help but throw more shit at the fan. I get a panicked phone call this time late Saturday stating that the internet is broken (they have been attempting to resolve the issue for hours). I fly into full panic mode, heart pounding as this is yet another fire to put out. I ask why connect it when you have no idea what you are both doing and why wait this late to tell me and she says "she doesn't want to bother me". This feels manipulative as if I am the problem. I said that if I'd known a router was coming I would have advised to leave it until I could connect it - it wasn't an urgent changeover and was simply a hardware upgrade. She then reverts to her woe-is-me-mode saying "we're dumb", "we're useless" almost childishly voiced (like a hammed up attempt when you tried to sound too ill to go to school). They are both so emotionally immature and I cannot speak sense as they just do not listen. Anyway back over I go next day to sort it out.

Time-and-time again they will stick their heads in-the-sand until things get to DEFCON 1 and then they have this outpouring of panic, guilt-tripping and in his case, rage and tantrums. He is increasingly frail, my mother is unable to cope with anything and I will be left to pick up the pieces. I am terrified of the future as and I am juggling an endocrine illness which could hospitalise or kill me if the stress overwhelms. I told her this but I just get mealy-mouthed "I know, I know". But then we repeat varying degrees of stupidity again-and-again into the future. I feel that only a critical crisis will change things but they see good advice as an obstacle that must be avoided as all costs.

I know what the sensible amongst you are thinking - I shouldn't keep helping. I am doing it for my own peace as I am awful at putting things out-of-my-mind and to be quite blunt have been trained to jump to their requests. My father is not a reasonable man and in the past has done some quite frankly terrifying things when enraged when his females are not kowtowing to him. He has on several occasions jumped into the car and driven off in such a mad rage I really thought someone would die. This is what hangs over me when he wants something hence the jumping through hoops in an instant.

Having read some of your situations I almost feel lucky compared that these are my 'only' issues (at the moment) but I know the literal or figurative tomorrow is going to bring so much worse and I really can only see bleakness. I provided my servitude to them from the age of 15 onwards for 7 long years (them having risked our house for some utterly batshit insane reasons) and I have nothing else to give in their old age.

Thank you if you read this far. I am off to have a stiff drink or twenty.

@PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying welcome to the club. There are lots of wise people here who have experience of all this and more.
The thing which stood out to me is your reaction to their self created drama. You need to find yourself some help to step back, they've just locked themselves out of a system, noone is hurt. Dont meet them at their level of drama, you'll burn out long before the real chaos comes.

I well understand the phone call of “X is broken” by a catastrophysing parent, the panicked drive over @PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying only to get there and find that the issue is user-related. To also have that under a cloud of lingering family issues must be really hard.

I agree with pp - at this stage the only thing you can change is how you react. I found it helpful to categorise such calls as “Is this a real emergency that must be fixed now, or is it something that can wait until my next weekly visit” (I lived 100 miles away). And if it is something that must be fixed NOW, am I the best person to do it or can it be done by someone else. I was inordinately proud of myself when I responded to a call of the stair lift being broken by asking their carer to check it as they were due in the next hour. The carer rang me back to say “someone” has switched the chair off but it was working fine now. Panic over.

i realise with a lifetime of “training you” to react when they call it’s not as easy as it sounds to suddenly change your habits. So I would say, how many of their recent emergencies have been real emergencies, ie directly impacting their health, safety and/or welfare. I’m betting that it’s not many. So hold on to that for your own peace of mind if they rage at you for not obeying them. That and that they are entirely responsible for the consequences of their own actions, whether that’s being without internet for a few days or having a car accident. And in your shoes I’d try “grey rocking” - oh dear your internet isn’t working, that’s a shame. Full stop. You want me to sort it? Ok I’ll take a look when I’m over next. You find that’s an unacceptable response? Well I can hear you’re upset so I’ll ring off now and speak to you another time.

Thank you for reply. Yes, I really need to train myself to not react and respond the way I do.

It is part of my programming; my entire nervous system has been trained and I am desperately trying to find a way to break this instant panic that explodes. All my life I have learned to put them above me in every situation and it has cost me both literally and figuratively.

I realise that I cannot keep doing this but I cannot seem to break the cycle due to the reasons I put in my post. Since I was around 7 I could see I had to manage them. They are the classic horse shoe of personalities - so different and yet so strikingly similar.

EDIT:

@funnelfan

Thank you too!

They have alienated everyone, I am an only child so their entire world is me. I am the first port-of-call and no one else. He rows with the people on the phone as he is deaf and doesn't understand things so they no longer call the companies anymore. I am expected to do it.

They use their tech ignorance to classify all things are major and urgent without any nuance. The panic I feel is the exact same I felt when young; I am decades older and yet I am still that little child.

The thing is they ask for help for things and say I can do it in my own time, no rush. What this really means is near instant or we will try it. The recent one was trimming down a tree. Quite high, I said I would do it in the next week or two.

What happens? He goes and does it - has terrible dizzy spells going up ladders but could not wait the reasonable time for me to go. What is it with ladders and some old people? He had a really bad fall last year, how he didn't break anything is a wonder and yet they still have to do these things.

@PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying I completely sympathise with annoyance with the panicked 'this needs to be done right now' demands. I have stepped back a bit since the day the my DM phoned me to say that she had completely run out of dog food and needed to go the supermarket that exact minute. She usually has someone call in to her everyday but that day's 'not carer' had a dental appointment and had told her that she wasn't coming, but DM had forgotten. DM wouldn't let me buy it and drop it up to her, so I fetched her, took her to the supermarket and when I went to put the dog food in her pantry she had at least 5 days of dog food. She was just bored I think.

The next time she tried it she kept telling me that she probably wouldn't starve before the carer came the next day. I kept replying "That sounds fine".

I have also recently done something that I have never done in my life before, I ignored a phone call from DM. I knew what it was about, something that she was pissed off about but that I couldn't fix or do much about, and I just didn't want to hear it. The next day when I was talking to her I said that I had 'missed' a call from her, was it anything important, and she couldn't even remember why she had phoned. I felt guilty about ignoring her phone call, but honestly it helped keep me sane and made very little difference to her and how annoyed she was.

@PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying , sorry to hear your woes. I think your parents are cut from the same cloth as many, but nonetheless however many other similar ones exist, our parents all present their own problems just for us!

My mother was wilfully anti-tech and now she is no longer capable of learning (can't see what she's doing, some cognitive decline and wilful not listening or trying to understand). For years she said she didn't need to know. She thought my brother was a computer genius because he did a year of techie stuff at college 40 years ago and spends all his time playing Fortnite or something similar in his room. In fact he knows nothing about modern tech, I had to introduce him to WhatsApp a couple of years ago. My mother still believes he knows it all though.

She was given an Alexa a couple of years ago in the hope it would help relieve boredom but all it's used for is radio 3. I've suggested all sorts of other simple functions (eg phone - she can only ring if my brother dials because she can't see the numbers; audio books as she misses reading, etc )- it's as though she wilfully chooses to ignore these as options. I know she can't set them up herself but she persists in finding reasons why noone else could or should set them up for her. I've given up suggesting anything now.

I did also suggest drawing the curtains to let light in, and getting a phone handset with giant lit up buttons, but she totally ignores every suggestion I make and sits in the dark instead with the radio on.

Independent my arse. I think that the insistence that we pretend to believe that she's independent, and the rows and unpleasantries if we refuse to agree, is one of the most annoying bits!

@PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying I totally understand that it's easier said than done, especially when family dynamics have always been difficult. But from my own experience I think you need to decide what you would be happy to keep doing for your parents (now and in the future) and start to pull back from doing more. You'll need to remind yourself that any consequences of their actions, including their refusal to accept this, are not your fault. Not easy I know, as it sounds like their usual stance if you don't come running immediately is 'look what you made us do'.

I'll warn that they won't like this and will probably push back hard at first over time will have to get used to it. I'd start with acknowledging the problem that they have, warning them of forseeable problems if they try to do it themselves, and offering them a couple of solutions (not involving you). Then when they repeatedly call you, or get in a mess you can repeat the advice. For example re the trees- Tell them you can see that they seem to be having issues with the gardening and it's obviously dangerous for them to keep doing it so do they plan to find a gardener or are they looking to move somewhere more manageable? Re online banking etc- if you would be happy to manage this for them you could suggest they officially give you access (many banks will allow this so that you officially have your own named access, but it does not become a joint account). That way if you need to check something or make a transaction for them you can quickly access it yourself. If not, you'll need to suggest that they switch to a bank that has a local branch so they can do it face to face. If they refuse to look at other options, your answer each time needs to be 'I can't look at that until I next visit, this is why I suggested X and Y. Are you looking in to that now?
It's not easy, but I think you really need to get a handle on this now before their needs increase. I think you mentioned living 100 miles away but visiting once a week. I think you should think about whether that's really what you want to keep doing. It sounds like a very long journey and a big commitment so perhaps it's time to cut that back a bit and encourage them to outsource more of the things they need help with.
I know it's really difficult, but some very wise people on here told me that if you have a choice between guilt (ie from not doing more) and resentment (from doing too much) always choose guilt. This advice has stayed with me.
I'm currently going through a similar process with my own Mum as she (heavily encouraged by Brother) does not want any help other than from family but wants (not needs) people on hand 24 hours a day and does not want to ever be alone at night. For the last 6 months, when she has called expecting me go over immediately for something non-urgent (several hours drive) my mantra has been 'That sounds difficult and is why I think we should look in to living somewhere set up for people to be around to help'. She won't use the words 'care home' but she has started to say she might like to think about 'living with other older people'. This feels like huge progress, since a few months ago her response to any suggestion of moving was that her family should do whatever it takes to look after her and she would rather be left alone to die than consider living anywhere else. Still need to get over the hurdle that is Brother but I think taking away the option of a 24/7 'on call' daughter it starting to change her mindset.

@Kirschcherries thank you, it's really good to know you found it helpful.

She's lost her confidence, rather than actually having a problem which can be diagnosed, which the doctor at the falls clinic recognised.

It’s definitely about building confidence in a safe environment.

Hi all, I'm a lurker and first time poster! Elderly FIL 86 had a massive bleed stroke a year and a half ago. Was in resus and then hospital for months. Astonishingly he has made a near 90% recovery with most of his faculties fine, just some drink thickener needed and is much less sharp than he was before (still working as a dentist up until his stroke - only 2 mornings but still!) He is more grumpy now and definitely different, but still roughly himself.

Anyway he went into a care home and now is back home in his gf flat with carers in. All fine and loving life. Obviously stressful and hard for us/DH getting the flat ready and blah blah.
Our main issue now is FIL keeps banging on about his car, which to be fair has been left to rot on his driveway since the stroke. It's gone a bit moldy and obviously batt flat. We've just not had the energy or time to deal with it. FIL had a fall and ended up back in hosp two weeks ago because he went out wandering and fell. He said he was off to the local garage to get his car fixed. He literally is unintelligible if he doesn't wear his hearing aids so I don't know how that would've even turned out, lol.

Shall we tow it away and brush him off? He is getting irate now. It's horrible for DH as he isn't very thankful to him at all - he was always a kind man but very obstinate and independent. Don't think he wants to sell it and clearly will never drive again. Any ideas?!

This happens a lot with older folk. Is the car tax in date? If not and you don't get rid, don't forget you need to SORN it.

Towing it away might lead to a lot of friction. It might be best to "lose" the keys (take them back to your house) so there's no risk of his trying to start it up. Then you've got a safe breathing space whilst you gently work oh him to sell it in his own time.

(The only sensible thing my mother has done in the whole ageing process was to give up driving voluntarily - quite a while after she should have but at least she did it, and sold her car straight away. I remain utterly thankful for that!)

@PurgatoryOrHowINeverLearnedToStopWorrying I totally sympathise, I too am the tech support / admin crisis person and frequently get phoned by mum in hysterics because she’s had a phishing text and thinks she’s been scammed, or got locked out of her email, or cancelled her bank card because she might have accidentally “put it online”. It can never wait (I do all their admin on Fridays which is my day off), recently I was literally on my way to a wedding and no that wasn’t good enough please could I keep my phone on in the church. Also she goes on and on about whatever it is for days afterwards then brings it all up again a couple of weeks later when a bank statement or similar reminds her, it is an endless loop. I do have a DB but he is less tech savvy than me and doesn’t have access to any of their accounts (we are both supposed to be LPA but he has never bothered activating any). I get times when I lose the plot with her and HAVE to back off before I lose my mind. I am juggling three PT jobs, ND young adult DCs plus trying to keep an allotment going for my own sanity and something has to give. It is OK to say no sometimes.

@Eclipsing
Thank you for your reply. I so wish fil would have done the same as your mom!
😩 we have the keys at home. The tax ran out at some point but we then sorted it and it's sorned now, I believe. So that's good.
I told DH to lie and say the DVLA have said he can't drive following a stroke but he refuses to lie. He just hangs up on him now or leaves visiting if FIL starts on about wanting the car keys to get the car fixed. A great example of boundaries to us all 😂

I have considered trying to get it fixed and sold but I honestly think FIL thinks he can drive it! Of course it's a mental thing of freedom etc to him. We try and take him out for drives and what not but he's always been quite antisocial.

DVLA guidance is not to drive after a stroke, so it wouldn't be lying.

Not strictly true.

You can't drive (legally) for a month after a stroke. You should only consider restarting if your doctor reckons you're safe to do so.

If you have full recovery after the month, you don't need to inform the DVLA but you do need to inform them if you have any limb weakness, or problems with vision, memory, balance or comprehension.

Many such cases will then only be allowed to resume driving if they pass a medical examination.

Your insurance is invalidated if you drive when unfit to do so.

However many old folk minimise their symptoms, or say they'll inform the DVLA and don't do so, or reckon that they've been driving for 70 years and always been OK so no need -- etc etc etc. If they have any cognitive impairment they may genuinely be lacking in insight into the situation, or not understand the legal position, no matter how many times they're told. So losing the keys or otherwise disabling the car is often the best thing to do!

Giving up driving = giving up independence so it is a big step and one that many refuse to countenance.

I understand that.
I just meant that it wouldn't be entirely untrue to tell an ER that the DVLA has certain rules about strokes........

Evening everyone. I’ve not been in for a while. FIL refuses to discontinue but it’s boring to go on about.

Saturday will be one year since we lost MIL. It feels like longer, and not so long, at the same time. I vividly remember those last few days. Solidarité hugs to everyone battling the system and holding everything up at home 🍷

What do people do if their elderly person refuses a hearing aid test even though they are very deaf ?
Their t.v. blasts out ( poor neighbours ) and you can no longer have a conversation with them on a phone .
They don't live local to some family members and that way of keeping in touch is no longer available .

My dad is very switched on but has refused hearing tests for the last two years. I pointed out to him a month ago that not hearing properly is linked to a grater risk of developing dementia. He very quickly spoke to the GP and is having his ears syringed today and will have a hearing test next week. He thinks the syringe will cure the problem, I'm sure it won't but at least a test is booked which I am sure he will attend.

Sadly ( and although there are signs ) they think they are impervious to getting dementia as they've got to 90 . Nothing will convince them otherwise .

My mother went through several useless attempts at ear syringing as once she'd accepted that she wasn't hearing clearly, she was adamant that nonetheless she wasn't going deaf.

She's now on maybe her 3rd set of hearing aids, but seems incapable of using them. Apparently her ears are "different". I know HAs can be fiddly to put in, but despite what she thinks, most older people's ear canals get stiffer with age and many older people get arthritis in their fingers, so audiologists are used to helping people overcome these issues.

Also, you need to wear HAs regularly for your brain to adapt to them, so of course wearing them on occasion and only when pestered means that she doesn't really get the benefit of them.

I tried the deafness increases the risk of dementia line too, and also the one about being able to hear people would help prevent her feeling so isolated, but what do I know? Nothing. Apparently.

Mine does have hearing aids but doesn't always wear them and finds them to be a less than helpful aid quite often, she says if she goes out and it's windy they make loud noises, she forgets where she's put them, forgets to charge them.

Seems like we are not alone in the bloody mindedness when it comes to deafness/ hearing aids .
Hopefully an extended not phoning them ( they don't bother phoning people ) will work in getting them to at least realise a test would be a good idea .

I have the hearing aid issue with my husband. I've got quite ruthless with refusing to repeat stuff to try and train him but it isn't working. I also refuse to have the TV and radio painfully loud. If anyone has found a technique that works In all ears.