Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Yes, unfortunately I have had these threats in the past from a dumped boyfriend and it was an attempt to control, like this is. DB has just been away for 3 weeks and is off for a few more weeks (teacher) so we had already agreed (he didn’t volunteer, I requested) that I’d take some time out when he got back but in general it is me that does most of the work because he sits back and lets me and there have been words had in the past (also he has no DCs, I have two ND DC still at home).

I'm sorry others are going through this, it's really bloody hard. She's been texting away at me all day despite me saying (by text) this morning please address DB for everything for the time being.

Oh yes, the dying thing. "Just leave me, I don't need anything from you, I'll just die all alone here and never bother you again." I sigh, say "let's see how that goes" and put down the phone generally.

I do hope to die myself before it all gets too uncomfortable and tedious (way in the future hopefully), but I'm not going to announce to to family because they might try and stop me. So I think so long as she is talking about it there is no intention for it actually happen.

We haven't had that one yet, we have strategic incompetence and creating a crisis to get attention.

DF phoned the other night because he said he couldn't get into his bed, he had pressed the wrong button and the legs had elevated, DH offered to fix it at that point, but that he would have to leave straight away because we hadn't eaten dinner yet, he said no. I walked him through it he stated it was fixed then at midnight he started calling again, woke me up saying it wasn't right and if we didn't go and fix it he would have to sleep on the sofa. This is the same man that can use the buttons on his TV remote and his phone and that DH found up a step-ladder trying to close a window the other day.

What he wanted was DH to go up and put him to bed and tuck him in like he is a child. We didn't go, I had work at 7am and he was fine. I have less sympathy for him now, at first I truly believed he wasn't able, but we have seen evidence of his ability to do more than he says he can and yesterday he demanded a key to the garage outside so he can go in there. This is a man who normally says he needs a wheelchair just to leave the house rather than walk a short distance to a taxi outside.

DH was looking at his diary from last year for some reason last night. In October he had written about worrying about his parents. having to go and see them three times in a month to sort out emergencies and his DM keeping changing her mind about his DF going into a home due to his dementia. Guess where we are now? Yes, nothing has changed...

Even though she never goes out, summer has cheered up my elderly relative and today's visit was pretty much just a social one again (though we did get her set up on WA so she can chat to all her old colleagues who emigrated).
Even the cat deigned to come over & be stroked.
If only it could stay like this.

any tips of trial without a catheter
dm was fitted with a catheter when a recent in patient.
unable to manage without on 2 occasions.
she seems resigned to it however

MIL was third time lucky for her trial without catheter. No idea why it was ok in the end but she was a complete pain with it in - lying on it, pulling it out and saying she wanted to go to the toilet constantly.

I just wanted to check in after a tricky care home visit. I know I shouldn’t complain, it’s so much better than when they were at home, but DM was shouting at me because I couldn’t get the right cardigan for her - I had all 3 out but apparently they weren’t right - and then the drawers in her chest of drawers fell apart. They have been wonky for ages and it does feel particularly egregious that for the money they’re paying they don’t even get working furniture, but apparently now will be sorted. Then I had to let her poke through her drawers for keys I knew weren’t there, until eventually she decided she was looking for her hearing aid batteries which I managed to locate.

I beat a hasty retreat but by the time I got back to DF he was asleep and on waking decided it was too close to lunch to go for his walk, so repeatedly asked when DS was going to visit him ( has been fairly recently but DF has forgotten).

DFs dementia is fine now he’s in the home, he’s just very forgetful which is completely doable. DM has changed so completely. She retains some memory but her speech and writing is now almost incomprehensible but still she persists. Horribly I hope it won’t be long before she loses those faculties, even more horribly I am hoping I don’t have years of this. I wish I could be a better person and remind myself in the moment it’s not her, but I just seem to freeze when she starts shouting and want to get away.

Sorry @rookiemere that does sound hard.

I am off to see DF in his home in a minute. I am not going to go and see Mum. She lives about 1/2 a mile from the home / 20 miles from me so I usually see both, but the last two weekends she has been with Dad when I’ve arrived and dragged me off home to help her with things there then hung on to me till it’s too late to see Dad. She has driven me up the wall this week, after she screamed at me about killing herself I told her to contact DB instead for a bit but she still keeps badgering me. DH and DD kindly went to see her yesterday and she barely looked up from her bank statements that she was going through obsessively (she’s well off and I keep an eye on them there is no issue), refused to make them a drink, sit in the garden or speak about anything except the bank statements and when DH lost his patience a bit (and he is one of the most patient people I know) she screamed about killing herself at him too.

@ElderlyDilemmas oh lord I recognise the obsessive scrolling through bank statements. Maybe I should be grateful DM can’t really read any more.
If she feels I haven’t been visiting enough ( between DH and I we go 2-3 times a week as it’s close) she rings up but I have stopped picking up as I can’t understand her. I know it must be so frustrating for her to want to communicate and not be able to, but unless I am physically there there’s nothing I can do.

Mine is still fully articulate, but when she is in a state of panic (almost daily) there is no reasoning with her and she forgets everything you say so I don’t tend to pick up half the time now either, but she texts me all the time (I have her muted but check them). I go virtually every weekend and if I don’t one of my family does, but that’s not enough, considering a year ago before Dad had the fall that precipitated everything we used to call each other every 10 days or so and visit once every 6 weeks or so it has been a big, big change. A visit takes out half a day every time and I spend a fair amount of time on their admin every week too, she says she appreciates it but then everything I do is wrong.

I am fortunate that DPs are close now, thank you for reminding me of that. At least I can keep the visits short and disappear when it gets too much. It was a lot worse when they were an hour away and I had to sort out lots of things in their house and admin as well.

@rookiemere @ElderlyDilemmas god I feel for you and everyone else going through this hell.

Weekly visit to DM. She wasnt feeling well, 'fortunately' one of the things bothering her was a headache so cocodamol was quickly administered. I think the CH are now very quick with pain relief for DM.

DM was talking but very disjointed and talking to me about me so obviously didnt know who I was. Asking about long dead relatives.

The problem with her being awake is that she upsets herself - she is confused and the confusion upsets her.

That is sad @GnomeDePlume and I think realising that she is forgetful now and doesn’t understand things like she used to is upsetting my mum. I notice that she has stopped saying she is worried she’ll get dementia like her mum did, she has fretted about it for the last few years but hasn’t said it for a while, I suspect she knows it’s coming true but can’t face up to it. DB is going to try and get her seen by the memory clinic again, last time was last September and she is a lot worse now.

We are worried she’s not eating enough either, she grazes. freely admits to not having cooked anything more than a hard boiled egg or fish fingers since Dad moved out a year ago (to be fair he was always the one that liked proper meals, she’s always been a grazer) but seems to be eating less and less, I noticed she hadn’t had her supermarket delivery this week (check her email) and DH said her fridge was very bare yesterday. She has always been paranoid about weight gain, the 60s/70s attitudes to size and diet have a lot to answer for.

@ElderlyDilemmas I think getting a diagnosis is useful even if there are no treatment options.

For my DM it meant we could all stop pretending that everything was 'fine' when in fact her dementia was glaringly obvious. DB still doesnt really accept it, doesnt want to believe it.

Are the treatments only for specific forms of dementia, then? I don’t really understand the diagnosis. I’m sure they used to push medication that slowed it down. (And I think I’m getting repetitive and have had this conversation already!)

Are we doing something wrong as a society, or is it a particular generation that are rather complicated in old age? It seems wrong that we leave our elders in situations where they attention seek because of attention needs. However, there isn’t enough attention in the world that would be enough for DM. I’m struggling to imagine previous generations managing this kind of behaviour.

Though actually I often forget DM shared a bedroom with her elderly grandmother until she left home. I think she used to go and sit with her when my sister was a baby, too. I ought to be more sympathetic now, but she did very little for her mum in old age. Both my grandmothers were easy to manage, really. ,

@PrizedPickledPopcorn I think it depends on the type of dementia. If the dementia is being caused by plaques then some of the newer treatments can help at the early stages.

Vascular dementia is caused by reduced blood supply in the brain so that parts of the brain die. This can be caused by stroke or injury. Vascular dementia tends to progress in steps, probably as different parts of the brain die.

Knowing my DM's diagnosis and doing some reading around it has helped me to be less shocked by the disease's progression. My DB has done no reading round the subject and is in a kind of denial. In his world view dementia only affects weak people who arent trying hard enough.

What we have with the current 80s generation is that they didnt benefit from the 'lifestyle' education we now get: look after your heart, low salt, manage diabetes etc. All these things can reduce the risk or slow the development of dementia. What they are 'benefiting' from is a society which wont allow them to die. So they are living on with increased frailty.

I'm just popping in for a swift half (the sun must be over the yard arm somewhere) before tackling some tidying.

I had a good convo with my mum about 10 days ago about her asking the GP nurse for advice and about me approaching Age UK to arrange support with shopping / cleaning etc. Since then she has now backtracked on both and is being evasive, not wanting us to visit or talk on phone for very long. I'll be heading over there in a day or two to have another, somewhat sterner, word.

@GnomeDePlume thanks, yes, I think so re diagnosis. And yes, the newer diagnostic tests and treatments that are appearing are specifically for Alzheimer's. There is an argument that treatment could fall into the "keeping them alive for the sake of it" category which is a concern. But there are also younger people who develop the disease and could benefit significantly, and even in the much older age groups, if it means they can live with lower care needs for longer they might die of other things first IYSWIM without that full deterioration into dementia. It is certainly interesting. DMum needs to go to the GP anyway because she's due her 6 monthly blood tests and osteo injection. The last cycle of this ended up with her showing low level chronic kidney disease and we had weeks of meltdowns over that.

@ElderlyDilemmas I dont disagree with treating dementia to get extra 'good' years.

My concern is the endless ABs, supplements, immunisations etc which only serve to prolong the 'bad' years.

There was a distressing story on social media- so it may be one sided etc- concerning an elderly lady who was euthanised under MAID in Canada, despite her having refused it when she had capacity, and no longer having capacity to change her mind. Her family were very upset. Hopefully more information will come out in defence of the staff involved, because otherwise it was murder. 😕

We really need to sort out ‘dying well’. Legalised Euthanasia has terrible risks.

Yes, I agree with you about that @GnomeDePlume it needs to be a sort of meeting in the middle, prolong cognitive ability whilst letting nature take it's course on the physical front

@NeedMoreTinfoil how frustrating for you ! I remember the flip flopping stage well. I would get DM to agree to have a cleaner then she would say it would happen once she had tidied up or after Christmas when it was less busy or some other crap designed to stall it without saying no.

Only managed to get one in when she was bed bound and DF was happy to do so because the floor was getting sticky. But then we had the same charade all over again when they agreed with DH they needed a cleaner in twice a week, but then subsequently back tracked once I had arranged it. It was hugely frustrating and upsetting to me because it was obvious that she expected me to fill in the gaps even though they have hundreds of thousands in the bank. To be fair she has the type of dementia that means you lose empathy so that was likely happening too.