AIBU to step back if my elderly MIL refuses basic hygiene?

[zacsGranny]

My MIL is 92 and a very strong character. Over the years we have had several run ins. She can give it out, but can't take it.
After our last difference of opinion, she decided to go and live with her daughter, who is the most uncaring person and they have never got on.
The daughter fed her, but offered no other personal care or support.
MIL struggled as there was no downstairs toilet, so paid for a stairlift, but this was only partial, so had a commode. Daughter refused to empty or clean it, so MIL had to take the pot upstairs on her knee on the stairlift. It was emptied but not cleaned.
The smell just got worse. Shower was also upstairs, so not used very frequently.
MIL also believes she doesn't sweat, so doesn't use deodorant.

Eventually, MIL decided that she had made a mistake and wanted to move back here near us as daughter barely spoke to her and the house was filthy.
We looked for Supported Living, but there are long waiting lists, so we found her a private rental.
Had to buy everything for the kitchen, and some second hand furniture, so my husband and I have done all this. MIL paid a removal company to pack what she had and husband took a train to where his mother was and drove her here.

I was waiting at the new flat for the removal company.
They opened the van and everything was dirty and stinking.
She had a very expensive rug, which hadn't been vacuumed for months and was covered in hairs, dust, sticky tablets and toenail clippings.
I had to clean her commode which was brown
Her recliner chair, which she sits in and sleeps in was dark brown with urine stains.
She brought a bin full of used incontinence pads.
All her clothes stink.
She stinks'
Her bedding stinks.
Her cups and kettle were mouldy.
She had no toiletries because she doesn't wash.
I do have photos but they may be too graphic to include.

The hard part is that she thinks that it's OK.
She puts a cover over the chair so she can't see it.
We can mask the smell but that doesn't solve the problem.
I have suggested nice toiletries as she now has a gorgeous walk in ensuite shower, but she won't listen.
She just thinks I'm being fussy and was really nasty when I tried to explain about hygiene.
I have told my husband that he needs to speak to her or I'm not going to get involved.
AIBU?

Does she have carers?

I’d speak to GP or contact social care. Not washing and this level of unclean is a safeguarding issue.

She needs a referral to adult social care. The first stop is the GP, I think, who can make the referral. It sounds like she needs carer visits to assist her with personal care, etc.

These are all good ideas but she won't accept that she needs any help or care. She thinks she can do everything herself. She thinks that showering every 10 days is fine, and that she doesn't smell.

She has agreed to having a cleaner, but won't accept that a cleaner can't do their job if she covers everything in dirty (smelly) clutter

She has agreed to buy a new chair but won't get rid of the old smelly one

I’d contact the GP and then step back.

She is your DH’s mother, he needs to be leading on this.

This tough for you. My mum went through a time where she was adamant she was washing and changing her clothes but wasnt. Having a carer might help, however as a carer myself we cannot support a client with washing or showering if they refuse.
My mum had carers for a while after the no washing time but even then the carers struggled to get her consent to help her.
Have you contacted Adult Social Care as they might do an assessment.

I would love to contact Adult Social Care but she would go ballistic.
But we do need to register her with a new GP as there is a problem with her legs, so maybe that might trigger something (well it would if GP's did house calls)

Why is your husband not dealing with this?

Ffs just clean it all up, then get a regular cleaner/housekeeper for 4 or 5 hours a week. Don't be so cruel, poor woman probably is scared to have a shower/in pain so it hurts to stand/scared she'll fall etc etc.

Edited to add you said she has problems with her legs and if she needed a star lift she is obviously a bit unstable on them

Why are you doing anything? It's her son's responsibility?

She has a son AND a daughter.
You should take a MASSIVE step back regardless and let her immediate family decide how to deal with this

I don’t know how you’re placed, OP, but if you were to buy her some toiletries, would she use them? Could the shower problem be allied to her problem with her legs - might a shower stool and shower mat help? Are there grab rails on the wall, or could they be fitted? I can’t believe that MIL is unaware that her chair stinks, and if she sits or sleeps on it, then she will, too. I assume she has a bed as well as a chair she sleeps in - do make sure it has a waterproof mattress cover. It is a very difficult situation, OP, and there’s only so much anyone can do if she’s steadfastly refusing help. I agree that your DH - her son - needs to speak to her about this, but in my experience, some sons are really not very good at it - however you look at it, it’s not easy to tell your DM that she stinks! Now she’s moved away from her DD, could she have a word over the telephone? If you said to your MIL that you will not visit unless she has a shower, would it make a difference? I can’t think she actually wants to live like this. I do think at the very least, you need to get in a cleaning lady, but it might be an uphill battle, getting stubborn MIL to change her ways.

I have cleaned it all up and we have arranged a cleaner, but nothing will change if MIL doesn't change.

Her daughter is a lazy slob who let this situation arise. Complained about the smell when MIL was living with her, but did nothing about it.
My husband has tried to speak to his mother about the situation, as has my DIL, but MIL is a very strong character and not easy to deal with.
She cannot accept that there is a problem.

How on earth is Op being cruel?

MIL uses a walker and is quite stable in the new flat.
She has a level entry walk in ensuite shower.
She has a perfectly good bed but says she sleeps better in the smelly chair. So no matter how many showers she has, she will smell because the chair is urine soaked and full of bacteria.
Don't accuse me of being cruel. My son has just been diagnosed with level 3 cancer and is just about to start treatment. An infection could kill him. This woman is his grandmother and is putting him at risk.

My husband is not very good at speaking to his mother about this, so it has fallen to me.
We have provided a shower stool, non slip mats and grab rails, as well as new towels, pads, nappy sacks, air fresheners etc etc
I won't be visiting if she isn't prepared to do something about this, and neither will my son, as it could cost him his life.

Of course your husband isn’t very good at speaking to her about all of this as he knows you’ll do it. Just step away, your son needs you. Stop being a martyr.

Hi, it was @PrincessofWills saying you were being cruel, not the poster you tagged.

So somehow her daughter is useless and her son (your husband) is ‘not very good at speaking to her’. Your MIL seems to think everything is okay but it clearly isn’t. My advice is to tell your son to simply not go around there to minimise any risk to himself (I’m really sorry to hear about his illness). Him staying safe is the most important thing. When she has a GP, speak to someone there and be brutally honest about it all then leave it to them. Once she is on their radar, she can accept or refuse what they recommend but that is all you can do. If she and both of her children are not capable or willing to do anything then any effort you will put in will be wasted. As long as you tell the GP and they visit or arrange someone to visit, that’s it.

It’ll be horrible to watch, but if people want to live like that there’s nothing you can do unfortunately.

If she is more comfortable sleeping propped up this suggests a potential heart/lung issues and
should be discussed with the GP.

Is she afraid of falling in the shower? A referal to the falls clinic could be helpful.

What did her hygiene used to be like. Here current situation seems extreme and SIL’s hygiene sounds questionable so I’m just wondering was her orginal base level of hygiene was like.

Exactly she’s 92. Physically it sounds impossible to do it all on her own. Give her a break

Maybe the GP practice nurse could have a word? The awful smelly chair just needs to go to the tip and be incinerated and her son needs to insist that this happens.

Sometimes people are more receptive to a stranger about these things, plus a uniform or title gives a bit of authority. And medical/similar people are used to presenting things in a different way. But once a chair is soiled like that it just needs to be thrown away.

This. It is time for him to be become good - or at least competent - at speaking to her.

I would insist that DH deals with it if my MIL ends up like this.