AIBU to step back if my elderly MIL refuses basic hygiene?

[zacsGranny]

My MIL is 92 and a very strong character. Over the years we have had several run ins. She can give it out, but can't take it.
After our last difference of opinion, she decided to go and live with her daughter, who is the most uncaring person and they have never got on.
The daughter fed her, but offered no other personal care or support.
MIL struggled as there was no downstairs toilet, so paid for a stairlift, but this was only partial, so had a commode. Daughter refused to empty or clean it, so MIL had to take the pot upstairs on her knee on the stairlift. It was emptied but not cleaned.
The smell just got worse. Shower was also upstairs, so not used very frequently.
MIL also believes she doesn't sweat, so doesn't use deodorant.

Eventually, MIL decided that she had made a mistake and wanted to move back here near us as daughter barely spoke to her and the house was filthy.
We looked for Supported Living, but there are long waiting lists, so we found her a private rental.
Had to buy everything for the kitchen, and some second hand furniture, so my husband and I have done all this. MIL paid a removal company to pack what she had and husband took a train to where his mother was and drove her here.

I was waiting at the new flat for the removal company.
They opened the van and everything was dirty and stinking.
She had a very expensive rug, which hadn't been vacuumed for months and was covered in hairs, dust, sticky tablets and toenail clippings.
I had to clean her commode which was brown
Her recliner chair, which she sits in and sleeps in was dark brown with urine stains.
She brought a bin full of used incontinence pads.
All her clothes stink.
She stinks'
Her bedding stinks.
Her cups and kettle were mouldy.
She had no toiletries because she doesn't wash.
I do have photos but they may be too graphic to include.

The hard part is that she thinks that it's OK.
She puts a cover over the chair so she can't see it.
We can mask the smell but that doesn't solve the problem.
I have suggested nice toiletries as she now has a gorgeous walk in ensuite shower, but she won't listen.
She just thinks I'm being fussy and was really nasty when I tried to explain about hygiene.
I have told my husband that he needs to speak to her or I'm not going to get involved.
AIBU?

That's exactly what we have done.
Will also swap towels, tea towels, dishcloths etc every time I go, and ask the cleaners to do the same.

Complete a adult safeguarding for self neglect with local services. They will review and offer support where required however if the person is deemed to have capacity to make unwise decisions it will not go any where.

The items in the pictures need binning. My late MIL refused to wash, slept in a chair rather than with her husband. He tried carers, but she just wouldn't cooperate and was extremely rude to my husband when he tried reasoning with her. It is a sad situation.

Well done, OP. If she is strong, then you and your DH just have to be stronger and firmer - but it sounds as if you have been persuasive enough between you. I hope things continue to improve and you can manage to step back a bit soon

I feel terrible for you. I dont think you are cruel. But you might have to be. Take that chair to the dump, if she wont speak to you good you can do what you need to do and leave. Protect yourself tell adult services. she might end up in a care home. They dint wash or shower the inmates not enough staff.

I think you’re wonderful op, putting so much effort in.

It sounds like you're doing all you can for your MIL. I'd get rid of the smelly chair with or without her permission as it's a health risk for her if she gets an infection from the bacteria. Also I'd explain to her that if she wants you to carry on visiting her she needs to change & clean up as you're not prepared to put your Sons health at risk & don't want to be carrying dirt & germs home after you've been to her house. Book a GP home visit & ask them for a referral to Adult Social Care. They can also refer her to an OT to do an assessment of her home & put in place anything she may need as well as arrange a care package for her if needed. Tough love is needed in this situation, tell her she smells & that you're not prepared to put up with it as you're going home after visits stinking. Encourage her to have a shower while you're visiting so she feels safe knowing there's someone around if she falls etc.

She won’t change she will only get worse, just remove the smelly chair when new one arrives. My mother is 89 lives alone no carers, myself and 2 sisters do everything for her as in cleaning, gardening, appointments, shopping, cooking and just company, she is showered x2 a week but insists everyday she has washed or showered, we told her if she didn’t allow us to help her shower we’d get carers in to do it every day! ( I’m aware they can’t force that but she doesn’t know this) so she allows us to help her, she has a lovely shower chair she sits in and then states how lovely she feels after. A little white lie for the good doesn’t hurt.

Duvets cost more to wash at the launderette than they are worth unless they are £££ goose down? Just chuck them and replace with ones from Asda. Far easier to replace like this every 6 months and cheaper too

You can get waterproof ones that can be sanitized and wiped down
they moved on massively no longer rustling sweaty plastics
age concern have loads of links and information

She's refusing to allow it and "going ballistic" . It would be different if she was asking for help, but she refuses to accept she needs help. There's nothing OP can do about that, other than getting into a physical struggle with her. Which would indeed be cruel

Op i am glad you are making some.progress - especially wrt getting your dh to step up.

As many pps have noted , you are pretty much a saint!

Thanks everyone.
Yesterday my husband had to drop everything and take his Mother to register with a Dr and wait around for an appointment as she wasn't taking her water tablets and her legs were weeping. He has to take her again tomorrow for a blood test, so he is starting to realise what he has taken on and just how much is involved.

However I do have some good news. My son had some lab results this morning and it appears that the cancer has not spread further than the Lymph Nodes that have been removed so he just needs Immunotherapy and will be monitored for a year. I'm so relieved, so thank you for all the good wishes.

Says someone who has clearly NEVER had to manage an elderly person!

She sounds horrible and you sound caring and want to do something about it but very elderly people have a knack of being very very selfish and self absorbed. They like the attention and wont do wills or LPA's because its a hold they have over you. Yes, she might be scared but her behaviour is not acceptable.

TBH - her son really needs to step up here but do get social services/GP involved. You wont be here when she goes ballistic.

What wonderful news about your son, I'm so relieved for you. Everything else pales into insignificance compared to that. Although if your husband has to keep being the one to pick up things related to his mum such that he starts to see the level of hard work involved... well that's also good!

So pleased about your son! Excellent news

That’s really spectacular news about your son. I am so pleased for you all. Prioritise keeping your energy, time and focus on him for the next year - your MIL has a whole system to tap into to support her and you don’t need to feel frustration, resentment etc which will be totally draining of your already stretched emotional resources. Maybe take this moment to intentionally take care of yourself.

She needs carers,

One thing you don't have to wait on a reluctant GP. Anyone can ring the council's adult social care line and ask for a Care Act needs assessment, and raise it as a safeguarding concern at the same time (self-neglect counts, and you don't need her consent to flag it). Get a carer's assessment for yourself too while you're at it.
Has anyone checked her capacity? If she genuinely can't grasp the risk, maybe there is a capacity issue?.