WWYD? Worried my elderly grandad may no longer be safe to drive

[HollieTalbut1997]

Hi, really grateful for any advice on this.
My Grandad is mid-80s and still driving. He is very forgetful, tired and slow. Probably early dementia but nothing diagnosed yet. He struggles to make decisions and react to things in general life so I am worried about him driving still - I haven’t seen him driving recently but based on how he is in general I can’t imagine he is safe in the car. I spoke to my auntie about this and she also feels the same as me - she has brought it up with my grandparents but my grandma shut the conversation down and said he is fine.

My Grandma is very much the ‘boss’ in the marriage and my grandad will do whatever she says, especially due to him struggling to make decisions himself now and has a huge reliance on her.

I have also spoken to my dad about my concerns (he is very much the golden child in my grandmas eyes, so I do think if he raised concerns she might listen). However my dad basically said he gets my points but doesn’t think it’s up to him to say anything and doesn’t want to remove their independence.

I think this is ridiculous as if my grandad hurt someone else I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for not acting. My dad is very selfish and I think is ultimately worried about having to help them more. They do live in a town with access to buses etc so it’s not as if they would be isolated.

I’m now totally stuck as to what I should do next. My auntie is reluctant to raise it again after being shot down, and there is history there with my grandma of her making my aunt out to be the bad person so I understand her reluctance. What would you do?

My grandad also got caught speeding recently and is going on a speed awareness course this week. Is any of this likely to be picked up as part of that? I’ve never had to go on the course so not sure what it consists of.

Report him anonymously to the DVLA

He could kill or maim someone

My mum is like this. Unfortunately, with very few exceptions, all my friends who have been through this say that the individual concerned will never listen to them, and that some event happens that forces the issue. We just have to hope it is an event that isn't too serious.

If it is any consolation, what seems to be the most common occurrence is that the aged driver stops in an inappropriate place because they don't know where they're going, and someone hits them. At this point the aged driver can't cope with the situation, police get called, and licence gets taken away.

It's sad, but then, who amongst us wants to admit to our encroaching decrepitude?

You can report anonymously to the DVLA and they will write to him. But unless he has a diagnosis that means he must stop driving it may not make any difference so be prepared. It might make him think seriously and give up or it might just send your Grandma on a rant about "busybodies sticking their nose in where it's not wanted" and convincing him to ignore it.
I reported FIL when I saw how slow his reactions were and how flustered he got at junctions but he ticked the box to say he was still fine driving. In the end he listened to the police when they wrote a letter of advice after he wrote his car off in an accident, but until he got that letter he was still insisting on replacing the car. Thankfully no one else was involved in the accident.

I have a friend whose father only gave up driving when others caught onto the fact that the mother wore her glasses so she could guide him through the streets whilst he drove.

Anonymous reporting to the DVLA. If anyone can find the link, can you put it on here? I need to report someone and I couldn’t find an easy way of doing it.

I disagree. You haven’t seen him drive so you have no actual evidence. This is a matter for your grandparents or their children who may have a more accurate perspective.

I did this with my mother. She gave up her car shortly afterwards.

What state is the car in? My DMs car looked like a banger racer until she had a big enough crash to scare herself into giving up.
In retrospect I should have hidden her keys, reported her. And if that failed, puncture the tires.

Report him and don’t say a word to anyone.
A couple I know gave up their car but continued to budget for a car but used it as a taxi fund.

It’s not your grandma’s decision. Is she driving?

We have the same situation with my PIL. None of the children, so your equivalent of dad and aunt want to step up, force the issue or put more effort in.
DD was given a particularly traumatic lift to the station, my kids are now not allowed to get in the car with them.
I also have thought about anonymously reporting them.
MIL is currently driving with one eye, the left one with very slow reactions. FIL is struggling to process speed and reactions. Neither can reverse.

I must say it's not your responsibility, they have been a long time on this planet and their choice to age without humility or problem solving is not your fault. I hope you have happier memories of them younger and at their best.
You are not responsible for their decision to drive.

I had someone come into where I work the other day, she parked her car across 3 spaces to come in, could barely walk or see, and then caused absolute chaos going back out into the traffic. I took her number plate and reported her to 101, there was no way she should have been driving.

Someone needs to remove their keys. Call a family conference if needs be, but they could seriously hurt or kill themselves or an innocent member of the public.

Please take action. I was hit head on by an elderly driver who had vision problems and should not have been on the road. Fortunately I walked away, but his car was totally destroyed and he suffered awful injuries. He was also prosecuted as he refused to accept that he should relinquish his license. He could have easily killed someone.

Report to the dvla

I reported my father anonymously. He was sent a questionnaire to complete by a certain date. He didn't and so his licence was revoked. To get it back he'd need to sit a full theory test, have refresher lessons and the pass a driving assessment. He's too ill now but he would never have passed the tests! I did the right thing.

You admit you haven't seen him drive recently.

Why don't you do that first. before judging him? If you see a real problem, rather than speculating, you can report him to the DVLA.

The children both agree with me though, just that my grandparents won’t listen to one and the other doesn’t want to get involved

What happens when you report to the DVLA? I’ve heard you can do this but wasn’t sure what to do as I don’t have any hard evidence to show.

The car looks ok, it has been missing from the drive a few times and I’ve been given vague answers about it being at the garage for mot/maintainence so no idea if there has been damage

I know it’s not her decision but the issue is that she acts like it is! My grandad will do whatever she says.

Thank you I really appreciate this perspective. Whilst I know ultimately it’s their decision, I do feel responsible as if they hurt someone else I would feel the guilt for not taking more action

This is difficult if they haven't got a diagnosis OP! You can let the DVLA know in confidence, but first I'd read this article. You can tell the DVLA in confidence and DVLA won't tell them who reported it - but probably they will guess as you discussed it with your family.

Also, don't think it will automatically be treated that seriously. Hear me out! FIL was recently reported to the DVLA for still driving (his family have been telling her not to drive and suggested selling his car and using taxis etc). However, when he was reported (we think by a local shop owner). DVLA asked him to go to the doctor and apparently he passed the assessment and no formal diagnosis was done. To us he seems very slow, has difficulty remembering where to go, unable to reverse that well (he sometimes gets someone in the supermarket to get his car out of a space for example) but he was judged fit to drive. But at least you'll have done your bit and it's not on you.

Report anonymously to DVLA. If he kills somebody you will regret not doing it.

My mum and another woman were killed in a head on collision with an elderly man who supposedly lost concentration and drifted into oncoming traffic. My mum was 69. The other lady was a nurse in her 40’s.
Report him.

I also think you should report this.

The issue is that by the time someone shouldn’t be driving, they’ve often lost some of the necessary self awareness to know this themselves.

I’m so sorry for your loss @DemonsandMosquitoes💐