How to start staying elsewhere when visiting elderly parents?

[Thatsnotallgood]

I'm reading this forum increasingly frequently these days and hoping someone here might be in a similar situation. I've name changed for this post but been on MN for years.

I'm 60 and my DPs are mid 80s. We have a good relationship. They live pretty independently and are in reasonable health (they both take medication for a range of conditions but all seems under control). No signs of dementia as far as I can see but I do see many of the patterns of behaviour that I've read about in other posts on here (eg repeating stories over and over again, their world getting smaller and them both being less willing to try anything new etc).

Anyway, I live in the SE and they are in the north of England. I'm retired now and try to visit every 6 weeks or so for a few days. My issue is that I am starting to dread staying in their house. I know I should have stopped this years ago, however since my divorce many years ago, it was only me and sometimes DS who visited so they have always had the space to accommodate.

I find myself being totally drained by the time I leave them. For example, the constant noise from their television which they have on much of the day but only half watch because they are pottering about elsewhere. Also, the heat of the house is an issue as I'm still experiences hot flushes (thought they'd have gone by now!) and I know older people feel the cold more but it honestly makes me feel unwell.

There's a whole range of other issues that drive me mad, and I'm also conscious that I probably interrupt their routine too. I just think they would be offended if I said that I'm going to rent an airbnb from now on. If I did this, I feel I'd be able to get on with things in my own life too (eg I still do a little freelance work) whilst going back and forward to visit.

Has anyone else managed to make this change?

@FancyShades Jesus, the GB News. It's not just me, then.

We went through this with my parents-in-law but once we suggested that we stay somewhere else once we could see they felt relieved. We get a hotel room nearby or an Airbnb and it suits us all so much better. Much more relaxing and we enjoy spending time with them rather than being with them 100% of the time.

You've reminded me that we once found badly stained sheets on the bed from the last house guest. I suspect undiagnosed dementia had started to set in at that stage. After that I offered to take our own bedding. Certainly any obvious lapses in preparing for guests makes it easier to say ' I've booked somewhere as we don't want to make work for you'.

Hope you had a mattress protector!

i’d tell them “sorry but i have a last minute work thing to do so i will need to go take a couple of calls during my stay and some online work in the evenings, for which i need high speed broadband. The good news is, because i am working on my days off and doing them a favour, my company have agreed to book a hotel for me so that’ll save you having to wash my sheets etc. so although it’s a bit inconvenient, im thinking it might work out ok”.

It was very sad. MIL was extremely house proud and would have been mortified to know that she'd forgotten to change the sheets. FIL never concerned himself with housework of any sort and it would never have occurred to him to check that things were 'guest ready', still less swing into action if they weren't. Plus he was in denial about MIL's declining faculties and/or his failing eyesight meant he simply didn't notice the state of things. The bathroom got to the point where it was more than just grimy corners and I'd secretly pack a pair of Marigolds and some cleaner to give the basin and loo a proper scrub before we used them.

Errr this.

Even if l didn’t have a small child visiting l would move the pin cushion and iron

I used to stay at my son's small flat. It meant either I slept in his bed and had to go past him for my nighttime bathroom visits and again when I got up first in the morning to go to the kitchen. Otherwise, I slept on the uncomfortable sofa. It was also very cold.
After several visits, I decided to stay elsewhere. He queried it at first but understood comfort and privacy.

@Piglet89 Not the same but similar experience here. Me on my own with a toddler and later on with two small DC.

Only shower located in the basement, at the bottom of very steep stone stairs. Door of course not locked at all, small child could have easily gone in and slipped down.

There was an old well outside, covered with a half rotten wooden “lid”.

Only a flimsy rolled blind in the guest bedroom, morning sun beams in so no sleep after sunrise.

If you needed a toilet at night, you had to go downstairs (very steep, polished wood) but in order to do this you had to go through seven (!!!) doors and partially outside before you can enter the loo. (which was also grubby).

DM insisting using an old plastic plate to feed the DC. The plate was mine, from early 70’s, most of the “fun” print was worn off, can only think of what toxins leaked on to the food but no, she would insist using the bloody plate.

The last time we stayed with them, on our arrival, me having flown alone with a one and four year old, all tired and hungry, she started to retrieve food from the freezer. You’d think she didn’t really want to host us and yet was offended when I started to stay in air bnB. Mind boggless!

I have noticed my mums house is s bit grimy these days her living room is spotless to be fair, but the kitchen surfaces are clean looking but sticky im not sure why and her bathroom is the same although her toilet bowl is clean, I don't know if it is her energy or her eyesight or maybe cognitive decline, she was always houseproud and obsessing about cleanliness, I think my sister doesn't a bit of stealth cleaning when she stays over. My stepdad does nothing so won't notice it.

@Thatsnotallgood , perhaps you can link the change to your retirement?

'Now I'm retired Mum/Dad, I've decided I'm going to treat myself with a nice cottage/hotel/BnB for a couple of days every now and then. And there are some great midweek deals now I'm not limited to weekends.'

@WendyFromTransvisionWampOMG poor you: if anything, the house situation you endured sounds worse!

My son and I had a very similar experience re food not being ready when we flew over one Halloween. Got in at about 1930 having driven through awful rain had to hire a car etc and there was just food cold on the hob. One step ahead of yours but still - not ready and on the table.

They are retired. The mind boggles as to what else they were supposedly doing all day that they couldn’t have prepared a simple hot meal.

It is up to me - all the time - to drive everything rather than them daring to show any initiative. It drives me absolutely insane.

My IL lived in a 2 bed house and were v hospitable, but the (admittedly very large) spare room, wasnt suitable for 4 of us to stay in once the kids were tweens.and there was no lock on the bathroom door We tried someone sleeping downstairs, but MIL was super houseproud and you felt like you couldnt put anything anywhere without it being tidied away or put somewhere else. In the end we started booking a nearby Premier inn and it was easier all round. We just told them we booked a premier inn because its easier for everyone. (Which was true, even though they would always insist it was no trouble for us to stay and it was easier to keep normal toilet habits )

Hi we made the change this year. FIL lives opposite end of the country and is widowed in his 80s. We are early 60s.
We didn't discuss the change, but when we planned our latest visit DH said something along the lines of 'We're looking forward to seeing you ...we've booked 3 nights at the local B&B/Holiday Inn/Premier Inn etc.'
I think it was actually a relief that we didn't pitch up and 'take over' the house and he didn't have to get bedrooms & bedding etc. ready.
He also always worried about food and what we would eat, but would have nothing in for us. Plus his niggly rules e.g. clean the bathroom after every use and the cold house made me uncomfortable (he is well off btw, just keeps the central heating at about 15-degrees).
Just keep it simple as above is my advice.

Some of you have faced far more challenging visits that I have, but I'm encouraged about how you've made the shift. I should have done the same as @Piglet89 and stayed elsewhere when my DS was small, but hey ho...

Also, a couple of years ago, there was a family wedding that involved my elderly aunt and uncle visiting. It was agreed that they would stay with my DPs and that me, my DP and DS would stay elsewhere which worked really well. It was definitely my most relaxing visit and I can't believed I didn't grasp the nettle at that point!

I agree with him about cleaning the bathroom!

Yes so would I,but I meant moving stuff out of the way, ornaments etc which could be a faff for elderly with limited mobility

@Allseeingallknowingi never said I expected them to move ornaments out of the way. What I did expect - entirely reasonably - was for them not to leave massively dangerous stuff hanging around the place within his reach because he was in everything and at everything and I expected them to be just a tad more alert to that - but they just kept living their lives as though he had no different needs or there were no greater risks for him as a two year old.

To be clear - and apologies, it was ambiguous - when I said “exhausted parents”, I meant my husband and I were knackered. We have zero family support and could just have done with a couple of adults who actually helped look out for our son (who’s since been diagnosed with ADHD, which explains why everything was ten times harder). In that, they resoundingly failed.

Yes, so similar. Retired, only early 60’s, no health issues. Always guilt tripping us for not visiting more often, how it’s important that I (!!) should make sure the grandparent-grandchild relationship will happen but then will not lift a finger themselves.

But this is probably veering into something entirely else, which is not why OP started the thread! 🥴

OP, just do it, lots of good excuses here to give you a head start. Your comfort matters too.

I think you’ve got the perfect reason with your freelance work.

The TV being on all the time drives me batty now that I’m not used to it. And I feel like I’m imposing if I ask for it to be turned down or off.

GB News, LBC, constant moaning about migrants…..even though he lives in one of the least ethnic diverse place in the country.

I think that your parents would probably enjoy your visits more too if you stayed in seperate accommodation. It is very tiring having visitors 24hrs day. I had a similar issue when going to stay with my dear old Dad. I evetuslly started staying in a nearby property. I told him that it was so he didn't have to worry about having to wash the sheets and towels when i left and so that he could do his own thing first thing in the morning (he liked his routine). I would go round about 11am, we would spend the day together, maybe have an outing somewhere, and i would make dinner for us both and leave about 8pm. I think we both benefitted from this arrangement.

However you tell them, the first time will be awkward. Once it’s done though you don’t have to address it again. Just tell them you have work to do to an important deadline and some phone calls that are highly confidential. You need to put your needs first.

OP, if you have to work, couldn’t you use that as an excuse? “We’ve booked an Airbnb because I have to do a teams meeting on Wednesday afternoon and I mustn’t be disturbed - it’s really important for work but obviously I want ti come and see you.” It’s possible your DPs would be quietly relieved. We always think our parents are desperate to see us - well, probably they are, but there’s a lot of work that goes into hosting, even if it’s family.

Just stay in a hotel . You can go to your room and unwind then away from it all.

my DM stopped inviting us to stay at hers so we have to save up for a caravan every other year, she’s in a very expensive touristy place by the sea. So caravan is usually cheaper than premier inn.

She says we no longer stay as I can’t manage the shower over the bath. I’ve no idea where she got that idea from as I have to in the premier inn. She just stopped letting us stay, even though my siblings and their families all stay. but that’s fine we now only visit once every 18 months now.

I’d rather she didn’t have washing and a room to sort out anyway. I used to get it in the machine before we left etc but couldn’t get it off the line as we’d be home by then and my dm won’t have a tumble.