How to start staying elsewhere when visiting elderly parents?

[Thatsnotallgood]

I'm reading this forum increasingly frequently these days and hoping someone here might be in a similar situation. I've name changed for this post but been on MN for years.

I'm 60 and my DPs are mid 80s. We have a good relationship. They live pretty independently and are in reasonable health (they both take medication for a range of conditions but all seems under control). No signs of dementia as far as I can see but I do see many of the patterns of behaviour that I've read about in other posts on here (eg repeating stories over and over again, their world getting smaller and them both being less willing to try anything new etc).

Anyway, I live in the SE and they are in the north of England. I'm retired now and try to visit every 6 weeks or so for a few days. My issue is that I am starting to dread staying in their house. I know I should have stopped this years ago, however since my divorce many years ago, it was only me and sometimes DS who visited so they have always had the space to accommodate.

I find myself being totally drained by the time I leave them. For example, the constant noise from their television which they have on much of the day but only half watch because they are pottering about elsewhere. Also, the heat of the house is an issue as I'm still experiences hot flushes (thought they'd have gone by now!) and I know older people feel the cold more but it honestly makes me feel unwell.

There's a whole range of other issues that drive me mad, and I'm also conscious that I probably interrupt their routine too. I just think they would be offended if I said that I'm going to rent an airbnb from now on. If I did this, I feel I'd be able to get on with things in my own life too (eg I still do a little freelance work) whilst going back and forward to visit.

Has anyone else managed to make this change?

I said that my allergies play up at their house.

Just book a hotel and present it as a fait accompli. You might find they're relieved not to have to make up a bed for you and adjust their routine too much - they just didn't know how to tell you that a resident visitor is stressful!

My MIL actually said to DH that she doesn't want us staying with her any more, because it's too much. DH thought I'd be upset, bless him! We now stay in a hotel and it's much better.

What I would also say is that telling white lies is a perfectly good way of dealing with things if they hurt no one and in fact improve things. Isnt it lovely that your friend got a refund credit for air bnb that they can’t use in time and offered it to you! Or you’ve always wanted to stay somewhere with a hot tub but can never afford them, but hurrah one came up near them for such a good price you couldn’t resist (even if no such hot tub)

They built a Premier Inn at the bottom of my parents' road. It was brilliant. I used to stay there and they'd potter over for a PI breakfast with me in the morning (we were all big fans of a Premier Inn breakfast!).

I realise everyone isn't so lucky, of course. But I think my DM was relieved as the sleeping arrangements would give her days of migraine before she had visitors.

You also have online meetings, wouldnt be good to disturb them.

I sympathise OP. For years staying at PILs was something I dreaded. They were well off and still relatively young (70s) but it was incredibly hot, TV on all day at ear-bleeding levels, grubby bathroom, tiny meals, uncomfortable bed, uncurtained window, crap shower. Three or four days of heat, constant noise, poor sleep, early waking (either dawn light or their radio alarm on at full blast at 6.30am), aching backs and not enough food made us both feel quite unwell. It seems trivial but not being able to have a decent shower and wash my hair made me feel even worse.

Fitting into PILs rigid routines (it felt like the sky would fall in if The Coffee was not at precisely 11.00) was a strain and listening to, never mind trying to take part in, conversation with two increasingly deaf people was exhausting. They lived in the middle of nowhere with no alternative accomodation nearby. I started packing extra food so we wouldn't go hungry, some black-out fabric for the window and a small duvet we could sneak under the bottom sheet to make the bed more comfortable.

Eventually dementia and a house move meant that staying with them was no longer viable. When we stayed elsewhere we didn't feel tired, hungry and snappy and the time we spent with them was better.

FIL is now on his own and a spare room is available again. DH stayed there on his own soon after MIL died. Different house but the issues of heat, TV noise, deafness, uncomfortable bed, lack of food, grubbiness, poor shower are the same.

There is a very nice Airbnb within 5 minutes drive which we stayed in while MIL was ill. But since her death I think FIL and DH are expecting we will stay at the house from now on.

But I don't want to set a precedent for this new phase. I am going to book the Airbnb and major on not wanting to put FIL, now in his 90s, to the trouble of two guests with all the bed linen, towels, food that entails. I expect FIL might be surprised and maybe even a little hurt but, however much he would like us to stay, he is very elderly now and not a natural host, and we will all have a more pleasant visit if we don't.

I'm expecting it to be slightly awkward the first time but it's for the best in the long run. Just go for it OP. Use whatever reason you want for the first time (work, DS's girlfriend, WiFi) say how well it works and after that it just becomes the norm.

I would just book somewhere for next visit and say you have some work stuff to do and just leave it at that, they might complain a bit, but once it is done, it will become easier. I couldn't stay with my parents for similar reasons, my sister lives further away and stays for a day or two but that's her limit.

Make sure you book the accommodation first so you are presenting it to them as a done deal and then go from there with a “I think it’s a bit much for you with the bedding changing and I have a loud Teams meeting booked at x o’clock “.
Done deal and then gentle explanation.

@Thatsnotallgood ditto this.
In the last few years of my lovely mum's life I could tell it was too much for her to have people around all the time. Let alone the extra work for her.
So even though she had a huge house we stayed in a hotel and saw her in short spells. We said it was to save her the extra work and to give her time to rest during the day. It worked much better for everyone.

A DSis and SiL stopped actually staying with an aunt of his, by then his sole elderly relative, because although she was lovely, her eyesight was increasingly bad and despite always being clean and nicely dressed herself, she evidently didn’t notice layers of dust, grease in the kitchen, and a loo so gross, Dsis said she had to attack it with rubber gloves and Harpic before risking a wee!

Eventually they started staying in a B&B nearby, saying that they ‘didn’t want to give her the trouble’ of guests, changing beds, etc. She accepted that quite happily.

This is what we did with my in-laws. Nothing happened, no explanation was required. I think they were probably relieved to not have the extra work of house guests.

I'm in exactly the same position @Thatsnotallgood.

Loud TV, Step barking away and chatting right wing shit, mother getting up every time I had a wee in the night, mother anxious if I arranged a drink with an old girlfriend and waiting up, and the bed, oh God the bed and my back.

I dealt with it head on and booked a local hotel. I just told them I was because I needed to do the odd bits of work in the morning and needed a firm bed. a nice glass of wine and a fag to calm my nerves after six hours of step And it was less trouble for them, they could get up at leisure and no extra laundry/bed to change.

Ive been in this position - sort of. When I moved away from my birth city for uni I used to go back to visit my parents about 3 times a year. I never felt comfortable for the kinds of reasons you cite - endless repeated tales, blaring TV, smoking, etc. I used to take a laptop and work to do but could never get on with it for constant interruptions. I never thought of going to an air B&B or hotel but my visits became less and less frequent over the years.

I dont have any suggestions as to how you might manage the situation unless you had other family members with you.

Yes exactly. No need to make up excuses, they’d just give 100 reasons why that isn’t a problem. Just announce that you’re staying elsewhere. They might be slightly offended/upset but most likely not as much as you think. And they might not mind at all!

I've got a couple of new reasons in addition to the ones from a few years ago. I feel bad for saying this but the pervading smell of wee (FIL is trying to get this issue sorted but without much success) and trying to ignore his racism which has ramped up considerably in the last few years are the icing on the cake.

I waited until DM had been ill and said that next time we visited we'd book a cottage as it would be too much for her. We're 200+ miles away. It worked brilliantly.

Do you have the money to stay somewhere “nice”? If so, perhaps a future excuse could be you haven’t managed to have a proper holiday/break for ages so you thought you’d combine visiting them with a little break/treat so you’ve booked a spa hotel / cottage with hot tub / whatever for a couple of nights. When you’re there, go on a lot about what a lovely treat you’re having spending time with them AND having a bit of a holiday at the same time. Lay it on really thick so then the next time you can say “oh it was so amazing I think I’m doing that again!”

My husband, toddler and I did this after we stayed at my parents’ place and, certainly from my perspective, it was an absolutely fucking unmitigated nightmare from start to finish.

Think exhausted parents, hyperactive toddler, very busy road with no gate to close to secure the garden, house cluttered beyond all belief and and dangerous stuff just left lying around (pin cushion discarded on the sofa and a huge heavy 1950s iron still plugged in on its board that my son could easily have pulled down on top of himself).

Combined with really very hands off approach to grand parenting, the next time we stayed, I just booked it and told them. They were a bit offended but, honestly - tough. Be a bit more thoughtful or deal with the consequences.

I know that my elderly neighbour found it increasingly difficult to have family visitors to stay. She loathed all the extra hassle of bed changing, extra towels, food etc. She was very relieved when they began to stay in a hotel. I think they realised it was becoming a huge effort for her.

The reason given for the first time booking somewhere else depends I think on what will land best with the DPs. Are they pleased/interested about DS's girlfriend, are they keen for you to treat yourself/have little holidays, are they understanding about the demands of your work/freelancing?

Sadly my FIL has never been very concerned with what's going on in anyone else's life. So the reason will have to be to avoid giving him the trouble of houseguests.

I agree with a PP above. Book and give the reason. Don't give the reason and an opportunity for them to find a way round it. Or if necessary lie and say it's already booked.

I need to do this too.

Been going up to stay with my dad. He doesn’t change the sheets for guests, his bathroom is filthy, cooks complete crap and there’s only so much GB news on loop I can take.

Staying in a hotel chilling at night in my own would be bliss.

It might have been a nightmare from their point of viewpoint. They can’t really childproof their house, can’t be ex to without help,
they have less energy, probably don’t like their routine interrupted.
Better all round for you to stay somewhere else.

"I'm going to stay in X hotel this time for a change Mum, I hate to put you to the trouble of putting me up". Blah blah. See you on 21st around 11am. Where would you like to go and do?"

@Allseeingallknowing there's "childproofing their house" (which I count as removing nearly all hazards, even minor ones), and then there's showing a modicum of thoughtfulness by removing really obvious dangers - like the ones I mentioned in my original post - which would have taken very little effort. I already explained they complained when I booked to go somewhere else, so they clearly didn't view our staying with them as THAT much of a nightmare.

Older people become more and more self absorbed and set in their ways, in my experience - but I certainly didn't feel one jot of guilt at taking things into my own hands. However, there's a whole other massive backstory sitting behind all this.