I’ve stopped helping with all care for DM I can’t do it anymore

[sisterinlawunkind]

SIL has told me that I’m being unkind as I won’t help DM with care. DB has asked her to call me to talk ‘woman to woman’????

Ive repeatedly tried in the past but DM (84) is spiteful and difficult. She refuses carers and wants just family to help but she’s so hard to help and I had to stop.

She wanted fresh meals x3 a day and wouldn’t eat if I left anything pre prepared. So I got blamed for her being hungry.

She refused to wash herself (she is capable but refused) so I left her some of the body cleansing wipes and told her to use those. After repeated ‘accidents’ I got her tena lady apparently I should have been helping her to the bathroom and assisting.

She shouts at me and is just horrible and now they’ve had to step in I’m being guilt tripped and called neglectful for cold food , nappies and not properly washing her.

Oh absolutely not.
Just because she chose to be a mother you do not need to become hers.

This sounds really tough. It’s ok to have boundaries and to step away. You can only do what you can do, and if that isn’t enough for DM then she needs paid care.

The bit I don’t understand is why this has got anything to do with SIL when this isn’t her mother!!

I think basically my brother is a coward and wanted to have a go at me through her !

I should add that my own SIL now refuses to speak to me at all, because I had to step away from doing care for my MIL - her view was that I should be picking up the slack for my DH being a bit rubbish, and I wasn’t prepared to do that with three young kids, a full time job, my own aging parents and a long term health condition that I end up having hospital treatment for several times per year.

No - that, and she, sounds awful. You’re perfectly entitled to step away. She can pay for care, and if she can’t afford it the council will step in

And what personal care and cooking is your brother doing

If your brother and SIL are that concerned, they can provide the care…

Stick to your guns. Can you contact her GP and say you cannot provide further care so you think she need a care package?

It sounds awful @sisterinlawunkind.

So who is supporting her now? Is your brother doing it, or is he getting yourSIL to do it? 😡

Good for you. Stand your ground!

If your brother's that bothered he can step up to the plate himself. No? Well, there's a surprise!

Have you told your brother what she is like with you ? I think if she is well and feisty enough to refuse to cooperate , she is doing well enough to manage her own behaviour. No matter where she was even in a nursing refusal would result in the same outcome . Tell you brother that maybe you can both look at getting outside care involved.

Do you live with her?

No but I live closest to her by quite a long way . I’m 15 mins away and DB1 is 3 hours away and DB2 is 3.5 hours away, DSIS lives abroad

You need to take as step back. This guilt tripping by elderly people is very common. Outside carers need to be brought in. I wouldnt even have a conversation with your sil. It's not her mother.

Nope, you are right. Keep reminding yourself of that. I've done that, it's hard but has to be done. I go in twice a week (2 mins away) dont do anything for her and only stay 20 mins. Its the most i can cope with.

She has carers and a cleaner. She asks me to do anything I say 'the carers will be here in X hours, you can wait till then'.

In your position I'd move away if I could!

Absolutely she needs carers. Your saintly brother can organise a social services assessment for her if he doesn't want to provide the personal care himself.

If your brother is so concerned he can step up and then experience what she's like.

Exactly @DierdreDaphne, other options (other than the OP) are available. It annoys me when one adult child is expected to do a lot and the others don’t bother.

Stick to your guns @sisterinlawunkind, you’ve got three siblings and they can sort this situation out.

If it is any comfort to you it makes no difference what your mother was like. Mine was so loving and generous right to the end but also manipulative and depressed and caring for her nearly killed my relationship. After her last admission to hospital we told social services that we were withdrawing all personal care and would no longer be able to support her through the night as I had been doing. She had two care visits a day which gave me the chance to get up when I was ready and to spend an hour with my husband in the evening but I could not leave the house because she needed help to get to the bathroom, to use the phone and the tv.

You need to look after your own health and hold your boundary before you break down.

Step away, if they're so bothered they can help. Its mentally draining and she sounds so difficult. Stand firm and dont back down.

You are not the employee of your brother and sister in law. They’ve now had to step in? Good. They should have done that in the first place. You have done more than enough to try to help your DM. Stand firm.

Oh so they aren’t doing any of it then?

Tell them you’ve done it for x months now it’s his turn.

They don’t get a say if they haven’t done any themselves.

What on earth has this to do with SIL?

DB can choose to step up. Just because you have a vagina and live closer doesn't automatically make you the carer for your mother. Especially when she is so difficult. Tell SIL to piss off if she has a go at you.

Tell him you’ve done your share now it’s his turn, if he doesn’t want to do it then you both need to arrange carers wether she likes it or not.
Honestly op don’t do it, I spent years caring for my MIL while her daughters did sod all and when it came to it I had it all thrown in my face, i will never care for anyone other than my own dc ever again.