I’ve stopped helping with all care for DM I can’t do it anymore

[sisterinlawunkind]

SIL has told me that I’m being unkind as I won’t help DM with care. DB has asked her to call me to talk ‘woman to woman’????

Ive repeatedly tried in the past but DM (84) is spiteful and difficult. She refuses carers and wants just family to help but she’s so hard to help and I had to stop.

She wanted fresh meals x3 a day and wouldn’t eat if I left anything pre prepared. So I got blamed for her being hungry.

She refused to wash herself (she is capable but refused) so I left her some of the body cleansing wipes and told her to use those. After repeated ‘accidents’ I got her tena lady apparently I should have been helping her to the bathroom and assisting.

She shouts at me and is just horrible and now they’ve had to step in I’m being guilt tripped and called neglectful for cold food , nappies and not properly washing her.

I did the same with my own Mum (who had schizophrenia and was an alcoholic). I am an only child and she had no other relatives so everyone expected me to do everything. I tried at first but it nearly broke me (I am disabled and have a disabled child too)! I said nope I’m not going to do it anymore and referred her to social services / social care. Is this something you can do? Then your siblings can’t accuse you of doing nothing and you’re not getting involved yourself. You will have to be really firm and tell the care services you cannot do any care yourself - the more they think you can do the less they will offer.

Stand firm, she doesn’t sound very appreciative of you to put it politely.

Tell your DB that he needs to give it a try himself.
Until he has he hasn't got a clue what he's talking about.
This is nothing to do with SIL.

Tell them very clearly. The care you are prepared to give eg pre prepared food, is not care your mum wants. So an alternative needs to be found that doesn't include you.

Nope.

Don't let them guilt trip you and stick to your boundaries.

Make it clear that you can no longer provide any support and that social services need to be involved.

Your mother will have to do with professional carers or accept that she can no longer live independently.

Your SIL needs to mind her own business and I would stick to only communicating the same simple message to your brother: you are done with caring and are now focusing on yourself and your own family.

Stand your ground!
My story is absolutely lovely relative who I lived very close to, I’d always said I’d be happy to help shop, bills, admin, drs, organise tradesmen, etc but wasn't prepared to do any cooking/cleaning/personal care. I had two under 5’s at the time. She was happy with that. She had a fall and ended up in hospital and I then organised a care home, I had POA. Various relatives rang up furious that she shouldn’t be going in a home. Funnily enough they soon piped down when I said I’d be more than happy for them to take over all I’d been doing plus the personal care she now needed.
Offer to have your mum move near to your DB op, that’ll make caring for her much easier for him!

No one should ever be forced into a caregiving role, especially when it involves personal care too. I oversee the care for my dad but I work with his carers to make sure it’s all done! By refusing carers and insisting ‘family only’, your mum is placing an unreasonable burden on you. You don’t have to carry that burden and nor should you feel guilty about having healthy boundaries.

Cheeky cow.

I hope you are able to get it sorted, OP. Old people can be so difficult!

I’m reminded my elder sister - usually a lot more tolerant than I am - saying after going through it with DM and an aunt of her dh, ‘I’m sick to death of bloody old ladies!!’

I’m sure a lot of us can relate!

OP, I would suggest to your DH and DSIL that your mother goes and stays with them.
Please keep refusing. If your mother realises that you are not going to do it then she will allow carers in.

Even if your mum was a nice person and you wanted to care for her, it reaches a point where you are actually harming the person by 'helping' them. When they need professional levels of care you are untrained in, you risk injuring them and yourself.

You have done more than your fair share. Its ok to walk away.

You dont need to submit to this silly "woman to woman" talk bollocks either.

Tell them you are done being treated like shit and they can either step in or sort care and you won't be bullied into carrying on.

@YerMotherWasAHamster Yes, plus @sisterinlawunkind has THREE siblings so they can all work together to sort out their Mum’s care. I don’t buy the x sibling lives far away/abroad line, my Dad lives abroad and I’ve been able to arrange various supports for him, you use your phone and the internet.

They are pushing you because they dont want it to be their problem OP.
Broken record: 'Im no longer able to help, it's your turn to step up now' walk away & disengage if they argue with you

@trumpisruin It infuriates me when one sibling out of several is expected to provide all the support. Funny how it’s often a daughter as well. 😡

What should be happening is your brother talking to HIS mum and telling her it’s not tenable for you to continue doing what she expects. You can do x,y,z if she’s not capable of doing the test herself carers are needed.

I agree!
But at the same time I can see how it happens. Mostly people would prefer not to have to sacrifice their free time. When one sibling starts helping the other heaves a sigh of relief and tells themselves that the other one is better at it/doesnt mind/ought to do it because they are closer etc. They also realise that should they step up the other one will then back right off and leave them with the burden.
It's a bit like the red shoes; once you put them on you are doomed to dance yourself to death, unless you can trick someone else into putting them on.
I'm not trying to excuse bad behaviour but I think it is often driven by the dynamics of the situation.

No you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be treated like a slave for the rest of her life leave info on carers that are local and contact social services to set up an assessment

@trumpisruin Some people are simply selfish as well, they conveniently forget how much their parents have done for them and don’t want to help them when they’re older and/or unwell. I’m seeing this with some of my family and friends now I’m in my 50’s, it’s abit shocking tbh, not everyone is as nice as I thought they were!

It is not selfish to state that you are not able to provide elderly care.

You only have to look at the many threads where carers end up exhausted, broke and with damaged relationships with their partner after taking on caring....

You also can't compare caring for a child you choose to have, who will become more and more independent as they grow up and who you are caring for at a time in your life when you are young or young-ish and have enough energy with the concept of caring for a grown adult who is going to get more and more dependent on you, might have multiple health issues ( when you yourself are middle aged and very likely have some health issues of your own) and who you might not even have a good relationship with.

Someone always come up with that type of guilt tripping, especially for daughters, and frankly it is just nonsensical.

What we need is proper funding for good social care and supportive people to stay as long as possible in their own home. Not expecting women to always sacrifice their life and health for everyone else...

It is not selfish to state that you are not able to provide elderly care.

@Greenwitchart I agree that it’s not selfish to say that you can’t provide care yourself. I’m talking about people like the OP’s brother who is happy to complain but isn’t prepared to organize anything themselves. Or people who can’t be bothered to keep in touch with their elderly/ailing parents now that they’re no longer useful to them. It’s shocked me how self-absorbed some people can be.

I have it the other way round, my elderly mother never gets in touch any more as I’m no use to her as my dad used is dead so she doesn’t need me to moan to or take him to appointments or sit with him at the hospital and I did all the sorting for her to move house so that’s my use finished.

@TorroFerney Sorry to hear that, that’s not normal parental behavior at all.