Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

I'm feeling slightly hopeful today that Mum and B might be ready to consider a proper plan for Mum's care. Apparently they and B's DP have had a good chat and decided that the current situation 'isn't going to work for much longer'. I hope this means B accepts that mum is declining and needs at least a plan for proper care. This is the main reason I've taken a big step back recently, so that B can see the reality of the situation. Previously he's been adamant that mum should not have any paid carers and claimed he would move in to care for her if necessary. Which I wouldn't have any problem with but he seemed to think being a carer would just be a case of going about his normal life with a lovely old lady sitting quietly in the house. I'm not going to push too hard for fear of putting them off but I'm really hoping they may be ready for a sensible conversation. Of course, there's a chance that they mean that they still think no external care is needed but B's fed up with having her around and they're expecting me to step in- but I'm trying to stay positive.

Is your brothers DP getting a bit fed up having their “MIL” around do you think? Could they be an ally in getting the pair to face reality?

@ElderlyDilemmas that sounds like you and your DH have had a tough time and it’s only going to continue a while longer - sending strength 💐
I often felt unable to talk much about other responsibilities - maybe because services are so focussed on the person in front of them - I ended up compartmentalising. I’m glad for your DH that there are others to support DFIL.

My DFIL is also not in the “kinder to let nature take its course” category but he has been through a hell of a lot of medical procedures and on paper has a list of challenges but he is an absolute inspiration.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity yes, we have ND (young adult) DCs and busy jobs too so it does all feel like a lot. Fortunately both our jobs are flexible.

I am sorry to hear about your FIL @ElderlyDilemmas the caring responsibilities build don't they and somewhere in it you lose yourself. You have to make it very clear to any HCP and other family that you cannot take on unreasonable extra care responsibilities to protect your reserves, so that you can be there when truly needed.

A ridiculous drama last night at DF's. He phones me saying late evening carer can't get in very panicked. I could hear someone outside in the background. Could be a key safe issue or a stranger, so I phone the agency to see what was going on. Turns out the carer had opened the door, seen his cat and refused to go in because she has a phobia of cats. Out of hours person tried to say it is because the agency didn't know he had a cat and could DF lock the cat away. DF who can barely walk from one room to the next clearly can't manage that and they have been providing care for a year now including the duty of feeding said cat. Needless to say I was pissed off and made it known as it would have meant us going up there at night to sort DF when we pay for the carer to come on the weekend in order to get a break. Luckily they realised how annoyed I was and found another carer to go instead.

Thanks @Choconuttolata we are too far away from FIL for caring duties (100miles) but the local siblings will need to watch out for that but they do all work FT. One is a social worker so hopefully aware of how it all works. But they didn't have any of this with DMIL because she died after a very short illness from being fully fit. Too far from my parents for daily visits too, twice a week is my absolute max and even that puts a strain.

I suspect she will have had words with him, yes. He lived with our parents until only a few years ago and I think would have been happy to stay if it were not for their child, but I'm sure she must want some privacy. I doubt she would be willing to join forces directly (when I've tried to speak to her before about this she's shut me down and basically told me B knows everything and can't possibly be wrong) but I'm hoping we're both nudging them in the same direction.

I'm in agreement re the Guardian article linked above. Mum's been taking numerous preventative medications for decades to avoid life threatening illnesses that she would otherwise be prone to, plus having many, many medical appointments to keep on top of her physical health and make sure the medication is still correct (with more medication being added periodically). Her life now revolves around her medication (ordering it, making sure she takes it at the right time, meals arranged around medication where she should/shouldn't eat before/after etc) and medical appointments. Her cognitive abilities are declining and she's becoming increasingly unable to do things that she previously enjoyed, plus losing interest in those things she could do. All of her energy/time, and every conversation/meeting etc with her seems to be focussed on keeping her body going regardless of quality of life. To me that seems insane. In none of her appointments has anyone ever suggested she could consider stopping some of her medication, or tried to encourage her to do more whilst she can instead of being cautious and careful. In one check up she was asked about her diet and admitted to eating chocolate most days. The advice was to cut down a little and mum and the Dr looked shocked when I said 'Your in your 80s with limited pleasures in life- eat as much chocolate as you like'.

I think there is a big fear of saying 'let them die'.

Is this because of Shipman, I'm not sure.

DM has shuffled a tiny bit further down the exit ramp. She has barely any strength left, has to be woken to eat, has to be fed, has to have her cup held to drink.

And yet when she developed a bit of a cough there was talk of getting the doctor in. FFS why?

DM is frequently distressed, tearful, for no particular reason, it just comes over her then goes.

I suggested to DB that he speak to the nurse tomorrow about whether some light sedation for mum might be helpful. There was only a temp nurse on at the weekend otherwise I would have done it myself.

But of course DB doesnt want this. He wants DM's life stretched out. Until what? What is finally going to end this misery?

DM's personality, intelligence, dignity are gone but we have to keep trudging on.

DF is in a grump because the care home won’t let him have his ice cream after dinner any more because his blood sugars are too elevated ( suspect this may also be linked to his new daily wine consumption). They had spoken to me about it the week before and I said he was 92 and if he wanted ice cream after dinner, he should be allowed to have it. Honestly it’s ludicrous, but I am not going to argue with them on it, as I need to tell them not to call me because DM has had and recovered from a choking fit as she did on Saturday night, so they will already think me callous enough.
I guess for the care home there is a direct and measurable benefit in keeping the residents alive.

@rookiemere Does your dad have capacity to tell the the care home that he understands the blood sugar impact but wants the ice cream? Frankly if you - as POA / NOK - said last week he should be able to have it and he’s being refused then I would mention it again.

”i want to ensure my parents are as happy as possible on a day to day basis even if that may shorten their life overall. Please give my dad ice cream every evening if he wants it. Also I was very stressed when I saw you were calling on Saturday night. Please can you put on my mum and dad’s records that you should only call me on evenings and weekends if it’s an emergency.”

@rookiemere I think you are right. The CHs will want to keep the fees coming in.

It is noticeable that there are a few empty rooms in the nursing home section of DM's CH at the moment. DM is a revenue stream.

Thinking back to the guardian article, DB doesnt want his life back because, quite frankly, he hasnt got anything in his life except DM.

💐 for what you are enduring. Have you asked the care home nurses or GP about the expected progression? Do they already have the end of life medications ready? If that is the expected outcome I am not clear why they are waking her to feed her - surely that is prolonging things even if she only has a few mouthfuls. Could you and your brother talk to them together so he gets the medical view about what is in her best interests and what to expect from them? Perhaps when he speaks to a nurse he will get some info from her which shifts his position a bit.

@Choux DF is overall very happy in the care home so I don’t want to cause any issues in these early days. He isn’t greatly upset by it and whilst it seems particularly pointless ( if he wants sugary treats he can get them unmonitored from the cafe downstairs) I am hesitant to give him the idea that he can push against things, as it looks as if overall the structures and routine have been good for him. Plus either, DH, DS or I are taking him out for coffee or lunch at least once a week, so he has opportunities for choice that way.

It’s bizarre as he seems to have had a complete reversal of personality and is cheerfully joining in singalongs which he would have reviled up to now, so I don’t want to disrupt his good vibes.

I suspect it’s because they had their doctor’s visit earlier that week and care home are being particularly vigilant on the diets. If it becomes a real issue I will push back.

@rookiemere. I understand. My mum moved from a residential to a nursing home about 7 weeks ago so I am trying to build relationships with the staff at the new place and work out which things I should be discussing with who and when so as not to get myself labelled as annoying or difficult.

Yes, we've been through all this with Dad, not sure who to contact about much, what is a justifiable complaint and what is just settling in problems, Dad is a lovely chap but he does understandably get grumpy sometimes. Three months in and we are all settled and I know all the main staff members it is much easier. I get this lurch in my stomach every time someone from the home rings, just like when the DCs were at primary school.

@rookiemere we have this issue with Dad's diet too, he has a milk allergy, not anaphylactic but it causes eczema. Mum has strictly controlled his diet (and his whole life I suspect) for many years but he has always sneaked the odd cake or bit of cheese behind her back with no real issue apart from her going off on one if she finds out. But in the home they have to stick to his proper diet and his skin is VERY fragile so they have to manage that, whereas I feel like saying "let him have a bit of cheese if he wants it"

Yes @Choux that’s exactly it, also very conscious that for the first 28 days both the care home and I can cancel with 7 days notice. I would be well and truly screwed if they decided DPs were more trouble than they are worth - particularly as DH has already had their house emptied and flooring replaced for rental - so I don’t want to give any cause for complaint in this period. I have already been told that DM and DP have been shouting at each other in the common lounge, so I don’t want to push anything at this point.

Although I am sure that equally the care home is benefiting from their £3800 each week.

@ElderlyDilemmas yes the sensible side of me is thinking that actually I don’t want DF to lose his hands and feet through diabetes so whilst I feel his blood sugars at 92 aren’t the most pressing issue, they could have a point.

@Choux thank you for the 💐. DM is already on end of life care. The CH has the EOL medicine pack available to use.

There just seems to be an unwillingness both on the part of the CH and DB to say enough is enough. I am pretty sure if DB were to say to one of the main nurses that DM should be given some light sedation then it would happen. Unfortunately DB doesnt want to be responsible.

From my perspective DM has already long gone.

Hello, hope you don't mind me joining in.
Long story, but after a couple of years of me being evil daughter who wouldn't look after her mother, my mum moved to a care home a year ago.

She'd been admitted to hospital to monitor one of her medical conditions, got delirium and never got her mental capacity back.

For the past year she's been very happy in the care home. Completely oblivious to what has happened and where she is. She gets on well with the staff and other residents.

But, in the last month she's had a number of very minor infections. And in the last week her personality has changed dramatically.

She's become aggressive and abusive. Is hitting staff, damaging property in the home and trying to get out.
Somehow, this frail woman who could barely stand has developed super human strength!

The GP initially said it was because of her latest infection, a cough & cold. And put her on antibiotics.

But these don't seem to have helped. And mum is becoming more difficult to manage.

Now the GP is saying it is a mental health issue not a medical one.

I feel it's linked to her infections. As her behaviour is very similar to her delirium and she had an infection then.

Just wondered if anyone had experienced anything like this.
I can't go & visit because mum wants me to help her escape.

Hello Nelly, welcome to the bad daughter’s lounge. Is your mum still taking the antibiotics? My dad always used to be different when prescribed them and returned back to normal when he finished the course. But much milder changes than the one you’re seeing.

On the other hand, if your mum has an infection that isn’t being properly treated by a series of short term antibiotics then I’d be asking if the GP has thoroughly assessed for any underlying infections - UTIs are classic one. I always knew when mum had a raised temperature because her personality altered, even after having a flu jab she’d be “off” for 48 hours.

It seems that GPs covering care homes can be very hit and miss on whether geriatric care is an interest of theirs or not.

@NellyTheCake welcome to the thread nobody wants to be on 💐.

My first thought would be to ask if your DM has had tests for dementia, particularly vascular dementia which can be triggered by health problems such as diabetes, heart problems, stroke. It tends to progress in steps.

As DM's behaviour declined plans were started to get a DOLS (deprivation of liberty safeguarding) so that she could be moved to the secure wing of her CH. In fact her health declined quite suddenly so we are now at late stage and end of life care.

@funnelfan thank you for the welcome.
Mum is still taking the antibs.
She's been on & off them for over a month now because of various infections.

But this change of behaviour has just been since the beginning of last week.
She wasn't on antibs at the time. The GP saw her and ordered some blood tests.
Then came out again a couple of days later and gave her antibs for her cough.

I feel they're treating each infection as something seperate, rather than looking at the whole picture.

@GnomeDePlume sorry to read about your mum and what you're going through.

My mum was seen by the memory clinic about 2mths ago. It took them about 9mths to get round to her.
They haven't spoken to me, despite the care home asking them to.

They just told the care home, mum has dementia and prescribed some medication.
I told the care home I didn't want mum put on more medication (she has multiple health issues) and the GP needed to speak to me if he wasn't happy with that. Again I've heard nothing.

I just feel so bad that the lovely carers are having to deal with mum's abuse and it's been going on for nearly a week without anyone stepping in and doing something.

Both myself & the care home feel we're shouting at a brick wall.

Maybe it is the next step in her dementia? I hope not

Hi @NellyTheCakemy mum’s care home accessed this team when she was exhibiting challenging behaviours. In her case it was anxiety and distress but my point is that your mum’s care home should have emergency contacts in their area. Plus the GP and even the memory clinic could help them get specialised assistance. Whilst of course you are worried and sympathetic to what the staff are facing, they are more experienced in dementia care and elderly care than you and it is not really your problem to solve. Although I should also add that needing to involve the team below was a big factor in the residential care home where my mum had been for two snd a half years deciding they couldn’t meet her needs any more and she needed to move to a nursing home.

https://www.lscft.nhs.uk/our-services/service-finder-z/rapid-intervention-and-treatment-team

@Choux
Thank you for that information.
I spoke to the care home earlier and they're waiting for someone to assess mum today.

It sounds like it is a similar service to the one you linked.

Mum has obviously worn herself out because she's been asleep for most of the day.