Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@countrygirl99 I find many of the carers are not blessed with commonsense or don't read the notes. I have had to tell several different carers the lockbox code and how to open it before. It really isn't that difficult to just read the notes and press two buttons.

DB invests a lot of time and energy complaining (probably only to me) about the food DM is being fed.

He still cant understand that as DM's sense of smell probably doesnt work any more that it doesnt really matter what he thinks makes a good meal. She only really likes sweet things.

And TBH, she was a crap cook. I cant say I am bothered if the food she is given now is a bit institutional. It's no worse and frequently better than the food she served.

In defence of dropping dead: the burden of extended care for aged parents is a heavy new phenomenon | Lucinda Holdforth
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2026/mar/28/burden-of-extended-care-for-aged-parents-new-phenomenon?CMP=share_btn_url

That article says it all. I lie awake at night thinking how many good years do I have left, will I be like DM in 25 years time, not wanting my own DC to be in the position I am now.

@EmotionalBlackmail so much to nod along with in that piece.

I'm 59, my DM is mid 80s. She didnt care for her own DM. She visited from time to time to give her sister a break (DGM had dementia and died in her early 80s).

I am dreading developing dementia. When I have some headspace I am going to put in place an advanced directive to say that I do not wish to be offered any treatment (eg ABs for a UTI) if I have been diagnosed with dementia.

This will then put the onus on DH or DCs to get that dementia dx in place ASAP. I would far rather go years too soon than years too late.

I would far rather go years too soon than years too late

Yes indeed. Those intervening years, ugh. Filled with deterioration in every possible way, and degradation.
Almost dying from UTIs and pneumonia, but being brought back with antibiotics every time.

It's something we say when we have pets, isn't it? Letting them be PTS a week or two early, rather than a day late.

Very good article. I can so relate to the feeling of not being able to fully live while the DPs are depending on me. The D&V at DM's care home has now cleared and DF and I were able to visit today. I cut both of their finger nails during the visit. On the way home, DF commented that 'she seemed quite with it, didn't she?'. No dad, she didn't. She thinks she is forbidden from eating chips and that the family of the lady in the room across the corridor will have stopped DSis going to a specific country, because they are from there, etc etc. I told DF I was on an online course today and wouldn't be available between 10 and 2. He phoned at 10.30...good job it was on silent.

Also, at what point do elderly people decide they need to discuss their toileting habits/problems with you in great detail? I have read on here about people going to deal with their elderly relatives 'code brown' emergencies. Is it evil that I am just not prepared to do that anymore? I have once or twice, but I just don't want to anymore. If DF can't clean himself up, then we will need to find a solution that doesn't involve me. I don't want to hear about it and I definitely don't want to deal with it. Still, feeling the guilt- as usual.

I would far rather go years too soon than years too late.

can’t format for some reason, but absolutely this. A friend’s dad died suddenly, a little prematurely recently, and I have been thinking that maybe this is a kindness all round since it saves those last few years of dragging on. I would never say this to her of course.

FIL is firmly in the dragging on category with continuing #code browns. He’s currently refusing hospital, soaking up NHS resource with daily district nurse visits to tend infected pressure sores, and his legs which are leaking huge amounts of fluid and shedding whole patches of skin where it’s just shearing/tearing off. He refuses to sit with his legs up, won’t take the water tablets, won’t stop the fizzy drinks. Just expects endless care and fuss.

He’s obnoxious as ever, bare faced lies at every turn, treats everyone like dirt, and I bet he lives into his 90s 🤷‍♀️

If you are only 59 @GnomeDePlume, there is a good chance that dementia may be arrestable or treatable once we get to that age. I hope so anyway. It runs in my family and it feels like a curse. (We also seem to be 'blessed' with genes for longevity.) If govts had any sense they'd make a priority of pouring resources into research because increased life expectancy and dementia are a match made in hell.

Just back from my first visit to DM for a few weeks (was unwell with D&V and thought it was best to stay away until completely symptom free).

Good timing because yesterday she had a funny turn - her blood pressure dropped and didn’t recover after lying down with feet elevated so she had a visit from the OOO GP. She was ok today, but very very tired. Both the home and the GP were great because they took on board that I didn’t want mum taken to hospital unless it was absolutely medically necessary. The GP rang me and said she could easily get mum admitted for tests to find out why her blood pressure dropped but didn’t think it would ultimately improve her quality of life. All the bedside tests she did were fine, so the working theory was that she didn’t drink enough yesterday. I’m reassured that mums comfort and dignity was respected and no one was pushing for over medicalisation.

She’s still hanging on there, all 39kg of her. She’s not unwell or suffering, just very, very frail. I’m almost disappointed that it wasn’t the start of heart failure.

It might have been, all the same.
Heart failure can go on for a very long time.

Every time she goes to hospital, she always comes out with a clean bill of health for her essential systems and organs, so heart, kidneys, lungs, liver etc. Apart from the underlying Parkinsons/vascular dementia she’s deemed healthy for a woman of her age (late 80s), and the only meds she takes are her Parkinson’s drugs and a blood thinner.

it does feel a bit heartless to say her exit route from this life is not clear, but she exists rather than has any quality of life. A vital organ starting to give up would bring some certainty to the situation and “just waiting” limbo we’re in.

But a care home where? If he goes into a care home up there it will leave mum up there on her own, completely isolated. And she absolutely does not want that (she’s desperate to move). Or she moves down here and leaves him in a care home up there? Then he’ll hardly ever get a visitor as we’ll be a 5 hour drive away.

Or do you mean move him into a care home down here from hospital up there?

I mean whose needs to I prioritise here? My mothers or my father’s? There is also a long history of abuse and control by my father

Just scrolled back to find this and get the background. @inigomontoyahwillcox how frequently is he falling? I think you will need to consider that the time where he is able to live safely at home is drawing to a close.

My parents used to live in Extra Care Housing - a 2 bed flat with wet room, on site carers and management and a social group of other residents with activities. You could live there if you needed a mobility scooter, had dementia etc but the thing that made management tell you you needed to move to a care home was when you started having frequent falls. Getting older and more frail is a one way journey - falls become more frequent not less frequent.

I think you should decide on where your mum should be longer term - where she is now, near you, what kind of place could she live alone - and accept your dad will soon be in a care home.

I agree with Choux.

You should prioritise your mum and her needs @inigomontoyahwillcox

Get her moved near you.

Your father will not cope with a move to a new house anyway, and as he's falling so often a CH is the best option for him now.

If that ends up being far away from all of you, it's not the biggest problem.

Your mum is terrified of his coming home, for many reasons.

@Choux is right about extra care - they wouldn’t take our Dad while he was having falls and things got worse from there.

@inigomontoyahwillcox could your Mum rent somewhere in supported accommodation near you as an interim step - there are a couple of places near us that have supported accommodation and a care home next to each other.

I knew absolutely nothing 3 years ago and now see the logic and sense of set ups like this for couples whose needs differ.

Another voice saying prioritise your mum @inigomontoyahwillcox. If your dad ends up in a care home 5 hours away while your mum is near you then at least he’ll be safe and looked after, and you can then use the breathing space to work out if/how to move him closer.

i also encourage you and your mum to explore all options for somewhere for her to live, and to not write off renting in a suitable scheme rather than buying. I suppose it will depend on how much equity your parents have, but my mum started to get very stressed by all the usual maintenance of house and garden. Renting a suitable flat would have improved her quality of life for about 5 years or so before her needs increased, but she prioritised her relationship with her excellent neighbours. If your mum wants to move anyway that doesn’t sound a consideration for her.

In my mind I’m going to get him down here into a small house close to me that my mum likes and has a downstairs room for dad which can be used in the very short term (with carers coming in and me/DH on call and a 4 minute walk away) and then him moving into a local care home relatively quickly.

@inigomontoyahwillcox i see the logic in that, but then it’s 2 moves for him. I agree that your mum needs to be the priority here, for the last little bit of her life she needs to get a choice for herself and to not have to be responsible for your dad’s care or safety.

@inigomontoyahwillcox it’s so difficult when there are different urgent priorities.

I have been there. In this case I would put your DF in a care home near where they are now. It doesn’t need to be permanent, but it means he is looked after and gives you and your DM time and space to enact a move. Believe me if he comes back home, even with multiple carers if he’s falling over a lot it will be an exhausting merry go round with the hospital and the carers won’t do any of the grown up thinking in the way a care home will.
It will be easier to move him from one care home to one near you in the fullness of time .

My mother went shopping today. She can still maintain some of her interests. She's not long home. She rushed to put on a laundry wash if her jeans so that she could get them outside on the clothes line to dry. However there's only really approx another 2 hours or 2.15 hours of brightness left and not much more heat left in the day. She only just started the wash not long ago and she put the machine at a a long 60 degree wash with extra rinse. Her executive functioning is gone to trash. She really can't organise things very great. There's something seriously wrong with her and I have a lot of observations yet doctors or GPs seem to think memory loss is the only holy grail symptom for concern when it comes to older people. She did a jean wash at 60degree. I think it's just too hot of a wash and it's also a longer wash. I think it would have been better at 40 or lower and there's no need for extra rinse. She's paranoid of germs or something. I don't know what it's all about.

The electricity bill came yesterday and I am so sick of it. She's the only person doing high energy stuff. All of the laundry loads she does is 60 degrees and long washes and extra rinses. I grew up with her rarely using the tumble dryer. It was there but not used a lot. Now she's using it every day. She likes to warm the clothes she wears. I even observed her a few weeks ago warming her pyjamas for about 20 minutes. Stopping the dryer. Doing something else and then coming back to warm her clothes again.

The executive functioning is gone to trash.

While she was away in town today I managed to get some of the household laundry done and at least it was just one wash removed from her where she would wash at 60 with extra rinse.

Her comprehension is trash too. She's not able to understand the bill and she seems to think it must be me that is responsible for the the bill.

The poor comprehension and the bad executive functioning it's just two things in a long list of cognitive decline issues and something seriously wrong.

I am so sick of the GP writing off my concerns in favour of only memory loss when there's so much concerning behaviours.

Ooof. Everything I have posted on here to date has been to do with my parents (DF newly in nursing home, DM struggling to cope without him and showing cognitive decline, he went in suddenly after serious fall injuries not a gradual decline). Also in the last 18 months DH has been the responsible adult for a friend with dementia who has now passed and in that time gone through carers at home, two care homes including moving areas, medical needs (under a national specialist unit due to rarity of the type of dementia) and now execution of estate. And now on top of all that DFIL has just received a cancer diagnosis. Despite being in his late 80s DFIL is fit and well mentally and physically and lives a full and active life, he’s not in the “kinder to let nature take it’s course” category. Will have to wait and see what the consultant says but at the moment it looks like major surgery would be the treatment option. Fortunately there are a lot of other supportive family members not just us.