Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Bigdogpaws, my sister and I were both with mum when she did hers. I asked the HCP for a word in another room and described her recent behaviours. The tests are such that your brother won't be able to influence the result, unless he actually answers for her.

I don’t think it will be too much to have both you and your DB there at your mums assessment. DM’s last appointment had both me and a carer from the home there (as they were much better placed to talk about her daily habits and abilities).

I also expect that the medics will be used to dealing with families in varying levels of acceptance. Asking for a quiet word like @Isitsticky suggested is a good idea. I used to sit slightly behind DM at her appointments and I could shake my head or otherwise indicate when she wasn’t giving the full story and the medic would then say to mum “I’ll just ask Funnel if she’s got anything to add Mrs Fan”. Very tactful.

Oh, and mum used to get bit overwhelmed by the whole appointment thing so she didn’t really seem to notice what I said. As long as I kept my voice even and sounded like I was asking questions out of concern she was quite happy, especially if I threw in a few “isn’t that right mum”. I suppose if both you and your DB do that and your mum agrees with both of you even if you’re saying opposite things then that tells the medics plenty!

@TrayofRoses I can only repeat what I said in my previous post - FFS move out.
Your mother's behaviour is wearing you out.

Is it the memory clinic appointment @bigdogpaws? I sat in on my mum’s in 2019 and my dad was also there although I can’t remember if he stayed in the waiting room or came in. It isn’t a discussion about her behaviour your B could provide input to or that either your B or DM could use to mislead the assessor. It’s a test that only she looks at and provides answers to. I recall one part being a page with lots of pictures on, the type of pictures in toddlers books and she was asked what the pictures were. I recall a few she couldn’t name or got wrong:
she couldn’t name a kangaroo
she called the yacht a boat
she said the owl was a bird but ‘I am not sure what kind of bird as I am not very good at bird names’

i would think it might be quite enlightening for your B to be there and see what gaps she has in her memory and vocabulary.

Editing to add that I don’t really remember the results appointment where we got the diagnosis of my mum but I do remember the appointment where we got the diagnosis for my dad in 2022. That was much more of a discussion where the clinician tried to speak primarily to my dad but did a lot of double checking with me if I understood, agreed with what my dad was saying, had any questions etc

As well as an interview for my mums dementia assessment, they did an MRI brain scan. This confirmed the diagnosis of Alzheimers as the doctor (and we) could clearly see the damage to the brain caused by the disease. And I agree with others that it's important to convey the truth of the situation if its not what the person/ partner say, and this can be done by email afterwards if needed. Obviously professionals are very used to hearing a distorted perspective from patient or some family members.

I am in Ireland. Are you familiar with the housing crisis there? There is fuck all places to move to except. Suicide is likely the only saftey net from living under a bridge or on a street.

I'm getting ready for work now and my mother got rid of the huge pot of water she had on the cooker. She did use some of the water but at a guess it was 3 quarters full. Just got rid of it. It's so mindless. But that's the executive functioning and planning. It's so bad.

Are people here familiar with sundowing? I think it's increased agitation in the afternoons. Is that it? Although I dont ah e a diagnosis for my mother I really think I am witnessing sundowing with her. There is increased OCD, and just trance like states every afternoon. She's in her own world of OCD. Every day from about 1.30 onwards - it's the same thing. Increased OCD. Dragging furniture around, banging stuff around the home, even doing stuff that is dangerous like walking on the kitchen counter tops being OCD.

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear that having 2 people to accompany mum won't be a problem- I was slightly worried that they'd say there could only be one.

@Choux The assessment's not in the memory clinic, they're coming to mum's home, but I've been told they will be assessing for the same things. From what you've said it sounds like a lot of it will be objective assessment of what she can do, so B won't be able to influence it. He will, undoubtedly, try to answer for her and take over any discussion but I guess the assessors will have ways of dealing with that. When she had a social care visit ago it was rather embarrassing as B kept answering questions that I am sure were asked more to get an idea of how mum communicates rather than actually wanting to know the answers (eg. asking where she grew up etc).
Mum's had a CAT scan and numerous blood tests etc already and my understanding is they showed no obvious cause for her symptoms. Her biggest issues are delusions and processing skills rather than memory per se but I assume they will ask questions or have tests to look at that too. The issue of delusions is where I fear B will try to down play things the most- he's already told me he believes her auditory hallucinations are 'probably sounds from the street' delusions are 'just nightmares Bigdog, you know she's always had vivid dreams' and this was only for a short period of time and has stopped now. In reality she had delusions with hallucinations every single night for weeks and now refuses to be alone after dark. As long as she is not alone she doesn't get frightened but she has told me that she still sometimes hears things but 'makes them go away'. This is where I can see B will insist that mum agrees with his version.
I think the idea of having a quiet word with the assessor, or sending them some information afterwards is a good one. B can come across as very plausible and sincere on first meeting.

Thank you. The annoying thing is that this shouldnt have been an issue. The combination of BS from 'know it all' nurse and DB's inability to deal with things directly (I think he is slightly scared of the male nurse) meant that it became more of a 'thing' than it needed to be.

Still trying to find care so dad can return home - hitting a lot of brick walls. The minor works team came and moved his bed downstairs so it's just this last piece of the puzzle that needs resolving. I'm understandably getting calls from various people asking what was going on, as he's now bed blocking, but I can't let them send him home for mum to look after without support. He is now walking independently with a frame - but when mum visits him he just follows her around - it's reminded her of what she's in for when he gets home and she is terrified.

Their house is going on the market tomorrow - mum just needs to show them the PoA certificate and sign some documents, photos have already been taken. I have a house in mind to put an offer on for them; after 2 years of trying to get them to move down here before they weren't able to take an active role in the process they've finally just put the whole process, including decision making, into my hands - just means they can blame me for anything they disapprove of!

He had another fall today - in the bathroom on the ward. He's fine, but this is just the way it's going to be I think. Am enquiring whether there is a rapid response falls team in their area as I don't want him using up 999 resources if he falls (but is uninjured) and just needs help getting up.

@TrayofRoses
Surely even a room in a shared house would be better than your current living arrangements?
I have family in Ireland and I'm well aware of the housing issues, but a room in a shared house (which seems very frowned on these days) was the first step leaving for name people my age 🤷‍♀️
Dhs aunt is very ill. She's nearly 90, and had outlived her dh and only dc 😕

@inigomontoyahwillcox Is there no possibility for your DF to move to a nursing home ? Even with carers if he is falling often then it’s hard to see how he can manage. Plus a house move is a huge upheaval, it might be less unsettling to do one move only.

I agree with this and was going to post similar.

A house move for a dementia patient is always a disaster because they don't recognise anything about the new place and become much worse.

I am never going to turn my nose up at shared housing. Even rooms in shared housing is low and anything that is available it's so expensive. A room that used to be about 300 or 400 euro 10 years would be a grand nowadays and it's just so expensive for what you get. I used to rent before.

To make it all worse one of my siblings who live abroad bought a mobile home for the back yard to use as a holiday home and I offered to buy it to get my own space but he and my mother are having none of it.

My posts are written to highlight that there's major disfunctions going on with her but I am getting no help towards a diagnosis because everyone would like to see memory loss from her.

I hope to take a few weeks off soon for sick leave because I am really not in a great place. I am definitely teaching a place of huge mental distress and a crisis. It's not just in relation to home. It's my work. I can get extrememely intense.

When I get time off, I hope to explore some options. I think there is a programme or assistance available to help people explore work and accommodation in mainland Europe so I am going to get into that.

I am booked full time, left right and centre for the Easter and I really don't think I can cope with that schedule if being worked into the ground.

My mother's mind really isn't great. When I was leaving for work she asked me to phone her if the plumber gets back to me how ever he hasn't even been rang yet. She's paranoid that he's just going to appear. Her mind is just so broken.

@TrayofRoses it sounds really difficult that nobody is acknowledging there's a problem with your mum. I think people here are advising you to move out because realistically that's the only thing here you can actually control, whether or not you opt to be exposed to it every day. I don't know if you could speak to a charity like Focus Ireland who might be able to advise you about your options, as your current living situation could be described as unsafe and/or abusive in some ways.

It does sound very difficult @TrayofRoses. Can you video her behaviour discreetly? Then you could go to her GP to discuss your concerns with evidence. Walking on counter tops and leaving water boiling sound very unsafe.

Took a call from mum's morning carer. Had to talk her through how to get mum's meds out of the pivotell🤦

Oh no @countrygirl99 really?

I was just in DMs for an early visit from a workman and experienced her being rude to the carer. Have you had a wash? Of course I’ve had a bloody wash!

She had not had a wash. She was still in bed when I got there and had not been near the bathroom. I made her apologise. My brother has said before that he’s witnessed her being obnoxious to the evening carers.

@TrayofRoses
Just love into the mobile home?
Realistically, what can they do?
It might actually force a trip over and without you there they will witness your mother's behavior?
Fundamentally - you cannot force your siblings to have the same opinions as you or see what you see...believe me, I've been there.
You first priority must now be your own mh, wellbeing and future.

Haven't seen mum since Tuesday. I'll text today.
I'll go on monday and Tuesday next week, then we are away the week after.
For the first time in 12 years she isn't here for Easter and I can't wait ☺️
I'm going out with a friend tonight and start my job in a few weeks.
Busy at home doing garden and DIY stuff.
☺️

@BestIsWest I was at the yard seeing to my horse who is in isolation with strict biosecurity when the phone rang so for a moment I was tempted not to answer. Yard owner was making OMG faces at me and I was mouthing "fucking incompetent" at her and we were both rolling our eyes. It does explain why I had to complain to the care company that she hasn't been taking the morning meds even though they are supposed to check she has.

Good grief.
That's odd - clearly they've never encountered a Pivotell, but it's not an unusual device, and the company should have trained all their staff on how to use them.

I know. I was a bit stunned. She didn't have a yeah, you weren't in the house.clue. Alarm goes at 8.30 so if mum hasn't taken the pulls they are available when the carers arrive. Carer said mum said it doesn't go off until later so what should she do. I told her it should have gone off 15 minutes ago and to check if there were pills in the open slot. It has a clear flip lid covering the open slot and she didn't know how to get the pills out. She didn't sound overly bright as she said she didn't think the alarm had gone off as she didn't hear it but then confirmed she got there after 8.30 so yeah, you wouldn't if you aren't in the house.