Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

It does seem that golden children do struggle with the grim reality of elderly parents.

They are too used to just swanning in and having their pronouncements treated as gospel. This doesnt work when the audience has stopped being impressed (elderly cognitive decline, NHS workers, Social Services).

This is when golden children start dumping chores on others as they are too important to deal with 'admin'. And anyway, if their pronouncements on how the things should be dont come to pass that is the admin person's fault not that their demands werent based in reality.

To my DB's credit he hasnt tried to offload onto me. He is still jealously guarding DM. He knows that my views on quality of life are different from his.

Oh, I will keep an eye out for this. Golden child DSis is now definitely and totally"coming home to take care of mum". Family gossip is that shes quit her job and booked a flight. All this is regardless of what DM has to say, and it wouldn't be polite as Dsis is moving in with no house, no job and 2 preschoolers.
Running away while this situation explodes if looking very tempting.

@Kirschcherries Unfortunately I have tried asking these questions and the answer is 'Mum won't go in to a home!' and 'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it'. If he didn't have form for claiming he will do lots of things then expecting someone else (currently me) to deal with the fallout when he decides he's had enough I would agree that if he and mum are happy with this it's up to them. But I know it will be only a matter of time before either he decides that it's too much for him or she gets to the point where she needs more care than can realistically be given at home but they don't want to move her elsewhere and have to give up the nice big house. I have suggested they might want to draw up some sort of note about the arrangement about who pays what for the household etc, to protect themselves as much as anything in case mum loses capacity or does need paid care and there is any question over the finances. This has been dismissed as me overthinking and being obsessed with money.
@GnomeDePlume You are absolutely right. Unfortunately my goldenballs brother is still at the stage where most of the HCP and the social worker leading mum's assessments think he is The World's Best Son. How long this lasts will depend on how much involvement they have going forward I think. The same happened when Dad was ill- initially HCP clearly thought he was wonderful but.when they started giving him answers he didn't want to hear he was rude and bordering on aggressive.
@turkeyboots sorry to hear you're dealing with this too.

@bigdogpaws I really feel for you. Just make sure you keep a record and if possible put it in writing - otherwise they will deny it.

Thanks. I'm keeping notes of everything. I'm sort of hoping that something happens to put them off the idea before they get as far as all moving in (which I feel guilty about because it would probably mean mum declining further). I know that if they do all move in brother won't be keen on moving out if it doesn't go well and will probably try to hide it from me. There would be quite a bit of work to do to sort the place out for them all to move in (several of the spare bedrooms that they'd need to use are currently full of 'stuff' and mum has lots of things around that would be dangerous for their small child. I think he is hoping that DH and I will end up sorting it all out for them (which again I would say was quite reasonable if I actually believed it mean mum would be properly cared for). I was hoping that his DP would put a stop to the idea but if she disagrees with him she's covering it up well.

Giving up your home to move in with your elderly and unwell MIL when her assets (house) may be needed to pay for full time residential care is … something. @bigdogpaws if your DB’s partner posted on AIBU I’m pretty sure she’d be told what a bad idea it is!

As it happens, my DB and SIL have moved into mums empty house for the foreseeable for various reasons while their long term housing is sorted. The difference being that they have taken over all the bills and have said in writing that they are making no claim on residence rights and acknowledged that there is money due to me from mums assets as I’ve been paying her home fees from my pension savings. It’s a win win because they can save up the money they were paying in rent for their eventual house purchase, the house is occupied and looked after, and mum can afford to put money towards her own fees if she’s not paying her bills, so my savings aren’t depleting as fast.

THIS. Corporate Golden Boy is exactly the same. My mum (and my dad was culpable, too) has reaped what she’s sown with both of my siblings.

My dad would be turning in his grave…probably at Rebel Girl (me!) being the one to stay here for six weeks! And doing Mummy Project Management.Yes, even though I wasn’t a prefect I always had a strong sense of right and wrong. And this situation is WRONG.

I totally get you when getting the right kind of life sorted sooner rather than later. Mr Monkey and I had talked about supported accomodation for my mum in 2023 and Corporate Golden Boy went apeshit. It’s about changing living circumstances to fit with the life stage, which can aid quality of life. I don’t think that’s a bonkers statement of fact.

I think if he, in some way, vetoes my Mum’s wishes about moving, I am going to play extremely hard ball over responsibilities. And, if in time, it comes to care homes, he can sort that out as he’s good with money.

My brother is allegedly a feminist.

And this
“I have suggested a shared google calendar for mum's appointments so whoever reads the letter/makes the appointment can put it in immediately, we can add notes about anything she needs to take etc and note who is taking her/what time she's being collected etc. This is apparently a stupid idea and just extra admin for no reason- he hasn't got time to piss about with pointless admin crap!”

I, too, have suggested a Google spreadsheet. 😂
How does someone - CGB- who runs billion pound projects day in, day out, not have the slightest ounce of sense with regard to EFFICIENCY. He thinks I just fuck about in a theatre all day.

@kirschcherries the decline is EXACTLY what I fear. A small flat near us, we can pop round, we can go out to the theatre, out for dinner, my friends adore my mum and would hang out, Mr Monkey’s family similarly really like her. No, let’s get her carers and stick her here. OK, CGB is a huge snob and a slightly déclassé bit of Manchester isn’t as lovely as Cheshire, but it’s NOT ABOUT YOU, BROTHER.

@ManchesterMonkey I can feel your (perfectly reasonable) rage. Your comment about 'changing living circumstances to fit with the life stage, which can aid quality of life.' is so true. Whenever I mention considering things like assisted living brother acts as though this would be taking away Mum's independence and reducing her quality of life (in his words 'Mum didn't work hard all her life to end up in a pokey flat with a bunch of old farts'). He simply won't accept that staying in the home that was perfect for her 20 years ago is now actually part of the problem and that nothing will give her back the sort of independence etc that she had when she was younger.
I'm sure that in my brother's case the reluctant to use software tools to manage mum's appointments etc is because if he did he wouldn't be able to claim that only I know about [inset boring, necessary, time consuming thing] or conveniently 'forget' about everything he said he'd do. It sounds like your brother may be sadly similar- I bet both use similar tools to make sure they don't forget work meetings/tasks etc. My brother also seems to think I just sit around all day
I hope you manage to just ignore your brothers and get your mum moved in to a lovely little flat near you very soon- it sounds ideal and well thought through

This will come as a surprise to no-one in here.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/news/2026-05-18/reports-expose-dementia-care-system-failing-patients-every-stage?_gl=1cbngvc_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjw2rrQBhBuEiwAarLWHZY83dX3lbUR0pEX2bo1U9mSDF5FcJa0og-XcY3k-kRAEZxZ57V45BoCQqMQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thank you @Isitsticky Not a reassuring report, my Dad has just been referred to the dementia clinic. Information is always useful. Unfortunately I think it’s just symptomatic of the mis management of the NHS and the nature of the system.

The selective ability to use tech!!!!

I’m so glad I’m getting a break next week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired. I think Mummy Monkey is sick of eating / drinking reminders. She’s getting tetchy which is understandable but pissing me off. Homeward bound now.

laughing as when my brother changed over my mum’s energy to a new company she got a £50 John Lewis voucher. She said “oh I’ll give it to Monkey” Sibling “but it’s for you.”

I think the £50 should help to pay my ubers (£30 yesterday & today) & missing income!

UNBELIEVABLE.

I really hope they don’t think I’m in her bank account!

do John Lewis sell wine?