Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

It does seem that golden children do struggle with the grim reality of elderly parents.

They are too used to just swanning in and having their pronouncements treated as gospel. This doesnt work when the audience has stopped being impressed (elderly cognitive decline, NHS workers, Social Services).

This is when golden children start dumping chores on others as they are too important to deal with 'admin'. And anyway, if their pronouncements on how the things should be dont come to pass that is the admin person's fault not that their demands werent based in reality.

To my DB's credit he hasnt tried to offload onto me. He is still jealously guarding DM. He knows that my views on quality of life are different from his.

Oh, I will keep an eye out for this. Golden child DSis is now definitely and totally"coming home to take care of mum". Family gossip is that shes quit her job and booked a flight. All this is regardless of what DM has to say, and it wouldn't be polite as Dsis is moving in with no house, no job and 2 preschoolers.
Running away while this situation explodes if looking very tempting.

@Kirschcherries Unfortunately I have tried asking these questions and the answer is 'Mum won't go in to a home!' and 'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it'. If he didn't have form for claiming he will do lots of things then expecting someone else (currently me) to deal with the fallout when he decides he's had enough I would agree that if he and mum are happy with this it's up to them. But I know it will be only a matter of time before either he decides that it's too much for him or she gets to the point where she needs more care than can realistically be given at home but they don't want to move her elsewhere and have to give up the nice big house. I have suggested they might want to draw up some sort of note about the arrangement about who pays what for the household etc, to protect themselves as much as anything in case mum loses capacity or does need paid care and there is any question over the finances. This has been dismissed as me overthinking and being obsessed with money.
@GnomeDePlume You are absolutely right. Unfortunately my goldenballs brother is still at the stage where most of the HCP and the social worker leading mum's assessments think he is The World's Best Son. How long this lasts will depend on how much involvement they have going forward I think. The same happened when Dad was ill- initially HCP clearly thought he was wonderful but.when they started giving him answers he didn't want to hear he was rude and bordering on aggressive.
@turkeyboots sorry to hear you're dealing with this too.

@bigdogpaws I really feel for you. Just make sure you keep a record and if possible put it in writing - otherwise they will deny it.

Thanks. I'm keeping notes of everything. I'm sort of hoping that something happens to put them off the idea before they get as far as all moving in (which I feel guilty about because it would probably mean mum declining further). I know that if they do all move in brother won't be keen on moving out if it doesn't go well and will probably try to hide it from me. There would be quite a bit of work to do to sort the place out for them all to move in (several of the spare bedrooms that they'd need to use are currently full of 'stuff' and mum has lots of things around that would be dangerous for their small child. I think he is hoping that DH and I will end up sorting it all out for them (which again I would say was quite reasonable if I actually believed it mean mum would be properly cared for). I was hoping that his DP would put a stop to the idea but if she disagrees with him she's covering it up well.

Giving up your home to move in with your elderly and unwell MIL when her assets (house) may be needed to pay for full time residential care is … something. @bigdogpaws if your DB’s partner posted on AIBU I’m pretty sure she’d be told what a bad idea it is!

As it happens, my DB and SIL have moved into mums empty house for the foreseeable for various reasons while their long term housing is sorted. The difference being that they have taken over all the bills and have said in writing that they are making no claim on residence rights and acknowledged that there is money due to me from mums assets as I’ve been paying her home fees from my pension savings. It’s a win win because they can save up the money they were paying in rent for their eventual house purchase, the house is occupied and looked after, and mum can afford to put money towards her own fees if she’s not paying her bills, so my savings aren’t depleting as fast.

THIS. Corporate Golden Boy is exactly the same. My mum (and my dad was culpable, too) has reaped what she’s sown with both of my siblings.

My dad would be turning in his grave…probably at Rebel Girl (me!) being the one to stay here for six weeks! And doing Mummy Project Management.Yes, even though I wasn’t a prefect I always had a strong sense of right and wrong. And this situation is WRONG.

I totally get you when getting the right kind of life sorted sooner rather than later. Mr Monkey and I had talked about supported accomodation for my mum in 2023 and Corporate Golden Boy went apeshit. It’s about changing living circumstances to fit with the life stage, which can aid quality of life. I don’t think that’s a bonkers statement of fact.

I think if he, in some way, vetoes my Mum’s wishes about moving, I am going to play extremely hard ball over responsibilities. And, if in time, it comes to care homes, he can sort that out as he’s good with money.

My brother is allegedly a feminist.

And this
“I have suggested a shared google calendar for mum's appointments so whoever reads the letter/makes the appointment can put it in immediately, we can add notes about anything she needs to take etc and note who is taking her/what time she's being collected etc. This is apparently a stupid idea and just extra admin for no reason- he hasn't got time to piss about with pointless admin crap!”

I, too, have suggested a Google spreadsheet. 😂
How does someone - CGB- who runs billion pound projects day in, day out, not have the slightest ounce of sense with regard to EFFICIENCY. He thinks I just fuck about in a theatre all day.

@kirschcherries the decline is EXACTLY what I fear. A small flat near us, we can pop round, we can go out to the theatre, out for dinner, my friends adore my mum and would hang out, Mr Monkey’s family similarly really like her. No, let’s get her carers and stick her here. OK, CGB is a huge snob and a slightly déclassé bit of Manchester isn’t as lovely as Cheshire, but it’s NOT ABOUT YOU, BROTHER.

@ManchesterMonkey I can feel your (perfectly reasonable) rage. Your comment about 'changing living circumstances to fit with the life stage, which can aid quality of life.' is so true. Whenever I mention considering things like assisted living brother acts as though this would be taking away Mum's independence and reducing her quality of life (in his words 'Mum didn't work hard all her life to end up in a pokey flat with a bunch of old farts'). He simply won't accept that staying in the home that was perfect for her 20 years ago is now actually part of the problem and that nothing will give her back the sort of independence etc that she had when she was younger.
I'm sure that in my brother's case the reluctant to use software tools to manage mum's appointments etc is because if he did he wouldn't be able to claim that only I know about [inset boring, necessary, time consuming thing] or conveniently 'forget' about everything he said he'd do. It sounds like your brother may be sadly similar- I bet both use similar tools to make sure they don't forget work meetings/tasks etc. My brother also seems to think I just sit around all day
I hope you manage to just ignore your brothers and get your mum moved in to a lovely little flat near you very soon- it sounds ideal and well thought through

This will come as a surprise to no-one in here.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/news/2026-05-18/reports-expose-dementia-care-system-failing-patients-every-stage?_gl=1cbngvc_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjw2rrQBhBuEiwAarLWHZY83dX3lbUR0pEX2bo1U9mSDF5FcJa0og-XcY3k-kRAEZxZ57V45BoCQqMQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thank you @Isitsticky Not a reassuring report, my Dad has just been referred to the dementia clinic. Information is always useful. Unfortunately I think it’s just symptomatic of the mis management of the NHS and the nature of the system.

The selective ability to use tech!!!!

I’m so glad I’m getting a break next week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired. I think Mummy Monkey is sick of eating / drinking reminders. She’s getting tetchy which is understandable but pissing me off. Homeward bound now.

laughing as when my brother changed over my mum’s energy to a new company she got a £50 John Lewis voucher. She said “oh I’ll give it to Monkey” Sibling “but it’s for you.”

I think the £50 should help to pay my ubers (£30 yesterday & today) & missing income!

UNBELIEVABLE.

I really hope they don’t think I’m in her bank account!

do John Lewis sell wine?

@ManchesterMonkey Waitrose do and I think JL vouchers can be used there.

NHS, Social Services are hopeless when it comes to dementia. But I also think that we have arrived in the current situation almost by mistake. Improvements in medical care meaning that we survive into an increasingly frail old age havent been balanced with a more pragmatic 'what for' question.

Most people are divorced from the reality of elder care until it happens to them. You see it here 'I couldnt shove my lovely mum into a care home'. Fine in theory but as dementia starts to take its toll I'm sure many of those virtue signallers change their tune.

@GnomeDePlume I agree on the dementia diagnosis point. It reminds me a bit of my endometriosis . If I hadn’t had private medical cover through my work at the time, I suspect it would have taken years to get a definitive diagnosis. Doctors are far from stupid, I think they know pretty well from what the patient or their family is telling them what it’s likely to be. But for chronic incurable conditions, there’s no huge benefit in flagging it up when there’s little that can be done about it.

This is very true. My DM is prescribed lots of preventative medication and has some sort of monitoring, screening or treatment appointment (some several hours long) at least every couple of weeks. This is all aimed at keeping her alive and has become the focal point of everything she does. She's currently being assessed for dementia, although it is very clear to anyone who knows her that even if no one can/will give her a formal diagnosis yet her processing abilities are declining quickly and she has frequent delusions/confabulations some of which are very frightening for her. Any risks to her physical health (immediate or otherwise) are treated as a matter of urgency even if she is in no pain or distress and followed up with regular tests, consultant appointments and monitoring. Yet when it comes to her cognitive problems, which are actually causing her great distress and having a huge impact on her daily life, there has been a very long wait for any assessment and absolutely no monitoring or support offered during this time or (as we are now) in between assessment appointments. I don't blame the individuals involved in her care, but the system seems set up to ensure that she stays alive for as long as possible but with nothing in place to address her quality of life.

I suppose the difficulty for GPs is that dementia cant be cured so the thinking is 'what is the point in getting a diagnosis'. My DM only got a diagnosis when it looked like DOLS was needed.

For myself, if I get to the age of 70 or 75 (currently 59), I dont want new treatments to be started automatically. If I am diagnosed with dementia I want all treatment to stop. This includes my existing medication for diabetes and a chronic blood clotting disorder. Let nature take its course.

I'm currently talking to my family about this, making sure they are on side.

It seems my mum has almost entirely stopped eating and drinking. She didn’t eat much when I last visited a couple of weeks ago and her intake has been up and down since but am told she has barely had anything in the last 24 hours. The care home have requested the GP visit her so they can get the anticipatory end of life drugs. They have also put in a CHC fast track application ‘to help speed things along’ I think that is in relation to getting the GP to take the request for a visit seriously? The nurse I spoke to said she would say mum has ‘days’ left. Although acknowledged she might restart eating and drinking. She is 93, advanced dementia and weighs 91lbs at 4 ft 11.

My panic is I am away for the long weekend and am not sure if this is ‘it’ and I need to cut short my plans (a lovely relaxed few days with friends) and dash to her bedside or if this is the beginning of ‘it’ and it could still take a long time. I know plenty on this thread have been astounded by the survival abilities of their frail elderly relatives (looking at you in particular @GnomeDePlume💐) They say you can only survive three days without water but evidence here would suggest otherwise.

Does anyone have words of wisdom (or any thoughts at all) for me?

@Choux I’m so sorry to hear this. Hugs. I think go away as in my experience it does take longer. If you’re away currently - and how far away are you ? — you should stay and get some time out to charge the batteries. ❤️

It depends on how important it is to you that you are there at the end or not, especially given that the deceased often slip away alone anyway when the loved one holding a vigil has stepped away for a moment.

my own personal feelings are that even though my mum is not at EoL yet, I have said everything I’d want to say and every time I end a visit I always do with a kiss and a “love you”. If I got a call saying mum had died in her sleep then I would be ok with that.

So if you feel you’d benefit from your weekend away with friends I’d say to go. Your mum could hold on for days or weeks. She may not of course - the hospital told us dad had a few days but he went in his sleep overnight when he got his diagnosis (ischaemic bowel), even though 24 hours earlier he’d been absolutely fine. He’d already said “that’s it then” to me, and I’d done my “love you dad, see you tomorrow” thing, so again I was ok with it.

Am already away. A 2 hr flight away.

I never used to say goodbye to mum after my visits but the last few times I have given her a kiss and said I love her before leaving just like Funnelfan. Everything has been said and done and she is 95% gone already.

My brother who lives on another continent is saying I should stay here and enjoy the weekend. I guess I just take it day by day. He says he’s also on standby. My dad died a few hours after my brother booked a flight for the following day hoping to get back in time so he has already not made it in time once.

The end of life drugs have arrived and mum has had some medazolam. She isn’t really engaging with the staff any more even before the sedative. My brother is making plans to go over as he hasn’t seen her for a while. He says I should stay here and try to enjoy the weekend.

Are you realistically likely to enjoy the weekend away, wondering what's going on in the care home?

Would you regret not being there with your mum when she dies?

I haven't got an answer to your dilemma, but maybe you can try to work out your responses to those questions.

I think that as your mum has been given midazolam, she'll be far too sedated to start eating and drinking again, so the likelihood is that she is approaching the end now.

I am in a beautiful place with 3 of the loveliest friends in the world. We spend this weekend together every year. We have already lost 5 parents between us including three from cancer and no one has managed to be in the actual room at the time it happened so we are quite aware going there doesn’t guarantee you will be there at that moment.

My brother is travelling there now. I will cut short my visit here by two days to a) see my brother and b) be the second line of companionship in case she goes on beyond 2-3 days. I am at peace with that decision.

@Choux I hope you enjoy your trunkated weekend.

I have had too many 'this is it' situations so I think I am numb to them. DM no longer knows me and we were never close so not a lot to say.

Well I thought my holiday was scuppered. We are due to fly off later this morning and DH comes up the stairs to say there are three missed calls from the care homes ( the calls go to him despite it being my DPs as he is much more grounded about them). DM has had a fall and may have slightly injured her head and leg. They are calling out an ambulance to assess which seems an odd use of NHS resources, but I think the GP associated with the care home is wise to them. So we’ll skip the country quickly and quietly. It’s the weekend which means the managers aren’t there so the place is staffed with agency on minimum wage who try and defer any decisions to the relatives.

Horribly DH was showing me a picture of our friend's Labrador who had his paw injured through being bitten by an adder and I was more concerned for their dog than for my own DM.

I am surprised we’re getting to go away, I fully expected it to be scuppered as it’s the first two week break we have attempted since DM had her major fall. Fingers crossed though as we have some random Aussies dog sitting so it would be awkward if we don’t.

@rookiemere my fingers, toes and eyes are crossed for you to have a lovely holiday.

I totally get that will we/wont we get away feeling.

We are off to the south of France at the end of June. Driving so no chance of sprinting back in the event of emergency. When we booked this holiday we didnt think DM would still be with us.

DH has suggested that DM is going to outlive us all!