Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

My parents had privately funded carers in Lancashire. They also would do the above activities but no vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathroom etc. I used to order shopping online to be delivered and do a LOT of cleaning every time I went to stay.

Edited to add they did do washing but I think that was a special favour as they like my parents and I lived a long way away so couldn’t drop by weekly to do the washing.

Mum was in Trafford (Greater Manchester), her state commissioned care covered washing, feeding, pad checks and changes, supervision of medication. They weren’t supposed to help her take the medication, just supervise but they all helped. She often declined having a wash and some didn’t push it even when she was distinctly whiffy. Although one lady of Eastern European origin did use to insist on mum being washed, she was very brisk and mum hated her but DB and I thought she was great.

No cleaning - some carers didn’t even wipe up after themselves if they spilled something when making drinks, although most did wash up after meals. The system allowed us to pay the carer company directly for an additional hour of cleaning, which ended up being a wipe over of kitchen surfaces, some bleach down the toilet and a run around with the hoover. The more sensible carers changed her bedding if she’d had an accident, some didn’t. I did her laundry when I visited weekly.

No shopping - again it would have been possible to come to a private arrangement with the carers if we’d wanted.

To be honest, I think the carers did the best they could under the constraints they had. At a minimum they were all kind and patient with mum and had a cheerful word for her, even if some of the younger ones were lacking in common sense. We had privately arranged carers before the state commissioned ones and to be honest there really wasn’t any difference.

However, somewhere along the way my grandma’s pearl necklace and my dad’s gold watch left the house. When isn’t clear, so I can’t point fingers but it’s left a grubby feeling that someone took advantage of a clearly vulnerable elderly person in that way. It wouldn’t stop me having carers in the future but I’d certainly do a better job at removing all valuables first.

Oh, and our experience of AgeUK was very similar to @countrygirl99. A good few years ago now, mum was told by other a doctor or nurse that she could ask AgeUk for someone to come and sit with dad (when he was very frail) for a couple of hours to enable her to leave the house to go to her own hospital appointment. I’ve no idea if they have volunteers that do that in other parts of the country, but they certainly didn’t around there. It actually put mum off asking for help from other sources, she felt really stupid for asking.

Hi @countrygirl99 I’m such a novice to this - what’s IL? I do know Age UK is a federation model of local charity services area by area, so some areas will be good and others will be the basics e.g., signposting. Some will have contracts with local authorities and may offer better services, but contracts are three years and funding can be lost. It’s the same with MIND. In another life, I worked in the charity sector and it was so frustrating to lose contracts, have to cut jobs and services. Nightmare.

care for the elderly is shocking, hence the army of unpaid carers (mostly women). Just had a rant about it to / at Sibling 2 in his car.

@BestIsWest that’s really interesting….my friend (Cardiff) had to fight tooth and nail for decent support. In the end she thought fuck it and took out a bank loan to pay for the level of care she felt her mum required. She ended up not being able to cope with the local authority!

@Choux that’s really helpful. I can see that I will end up like the mistress of a small country house organising service. Mum has a cleaner who cleans, but won’t do laundry. The carers may or may not do laundry, but I’m told they will (who knows). I have a sinking feeling that I will need to locate a 19th century laundress OR I’ll be doing it (as my siblings seem likely to expect)

And on that note, I’ve had a VERY frank discussion with Sibling 2 about the level of support I am giving.

”You’ve been brilliant these past six weeks, monkey.”

”Can I stop you just there, I’ve been supporting mum to some degree or other since Christmas 2023 and in that time needs have greatly increased…”

@funnelfan thank you. Having been a university lecturer in Poland, I know EXACTLY the kind of lady to which you refer!

That’s awful regarding your mum’s possessions. Some people…🤬

I found the toxic MIL aka The Hag’s carers (Manchester) to be really good and jolly and they went the extra mile. She, of course, was bloody rude to them.

It’s interesting about the level of care. A friend’s mum switched between private and publicly funded and felt the same about not much difference.

So, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 HAVE been discussing money. I knew it anyway, I just cornered Sibling 1 when I had him trapped in the car and he confirmed it.

“We didn’t want to worry you.”
”how old am I? SIX?”

Livid that Sibling 1 lied to me “oh, it’s not about the money”. Of course, it’s about the money and the ridiculous trust that my father set up. I’m not a child, so just TALK TO ME.

I’ve pointed out AGAIN that I cannot and will not take all of this on. I’m too nice for my own good and I’m going to have to be REALLY tough to not sink into being unpaid carer.

I’m calling for an in-person family conference including mum in June. And when it’s convenient to ME as I’ve booked holiday AND I’ve got two major work events on.

I’ve told Sibling 1 that if Sibling 2 speaks over me again or talks to me like it’s a board meeting I will FUCKING LOSE IT.

I want full transparency and us all involved.

And I will withdraw my good will if I’m not respected - as they say in the trade union movement…

My estate is DEFINITELY going to a Kitty home rather than my siblings or nieces. Nieces are Fucking spoilt brats anyway, courtesy of Sibling 1’s parenting.

oh, look, the Sauv is calling.

Ladies, I have NO idea as to how so many of you have coped for such a long time OR if you also have kids.

THE PATRIARCHY. AAAAAAGH.

@ManchesterMonkey I enjoyed your rant very much. Sorry that you’re having to rant however. Enjoy that cold glass of wine!

In regards to DMs care, we were lucky in a way that she was discharged from hospital with 6 weeks free care and then social services realised she was incapable of taking her medication correctly after she cocked it up when I was on holidays and they insisted that the carers took over administering it which meant she got between two and four calls a day.
They outsourced to a private company but they pay the bulk of the cost.

@ManchesterMonkey ILs are in laws.
Mum's carers check she's taken her meds and remind her if necessary as she doesn't always hear the pivotell (not that she needs hearing aids, oh no, her hearing is perfect!). But they don't let me know if the batteries die between my visits meaning the meds aren't being released.

@BestIsWest on my second glass. I’ve retreated to my teenage bedroom. I’m admiring my book collection of Mallory Towers. I think mum is getting a free week to test ‘light touch’ care. i can feel the chill winds from Europe as I am copying all emails to Sibling 1.

we had a disaster with hospital discharge and care with The Hag/Toxic MIL, but I’m really glad that you had a good experience as it’s hit and miss.

Thankfully, my mum hasn’t had a stay in hospital since giving birth 50+ years ago. She’s in relatively good health, just frail.

I’ve pointed out to Sibling 2 that Mummy Monkey just sitting in front of the TV as she is at the moment - not like her, it’s back pain from one of her falls and I think she’s depressed - is not a recipe for healthy cognition.

@countrygirl99 I’ve jyst googled Pivotell, I never knew this existed.

Apparently, I’m not allowed to Google 🤦🏻‍♀️ as this ‘causes me to overthink things’, actually said by Sibling 2 to me this afternoon.

I pointed out that the NHS and Age UK websites were not created by 18 year old Instagram influencers with breast implants and mahogany fake tans.

FFS.

Oh @ManchesterMonkey I remember all your posts about your dreadful MIL several threads ago (I've graduated and name-changed)

What happened to your husband's brother in the end?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne hello! Lovely to see a Stately Homer. I hope you are OK.

I feel sad that my brothers are exhibiting twatish behaviour. I saw too much of that with The Hag. They are, obviously, NOT in that league. I just hope this bollocks can be nipped in the bud. Just as I supported Mr Monkey with The Hag, he’s being so supportive of me.

If you mean Golden Boy Vile Brother of Mr Monkey? I very much suspect that he won’t be bothering us for any of the estate of MM’s late brother who died in January, which was left to MM in its entirety.

GB has no money for a lawyer; he’s desperate for the £520 from a pension residue that late BIL had forgotten to change over to MM when BIL cut GB out of his will.

I thought my sister in law (GB’s long suffering ex-wife) was going to die laughing.

“5200 pounds?”
”No, 520 pounds. And 73p.”
Hysterical laughter.
”careful, you’ve spat your wine all over the table.”

OMG that sounds exactly like him @ManchesterMonkey

What a dick.
🤣

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

THE. BEST.

even Mr Monkey who’s been worried sick over GB challenging the will (abuse overshadows everything in his family) pissed himself.

I think he enjoyed the exchange by text.

”just £520.73p?”
”yes”
”but civil servants have huge pensions.”
”he wasn’t a civil servant.”
”but don’t I get a lump sum when he dies?”.
”that’s death in service, it would go to his wife or partner”
”not me?”
”no, not his brother. Anyway he wasn’t working as he was medically retired”

me, under my breath:
”which you would have known about had you given a fuck about him. Twat.”

Mum was moved to end of life care (again) in the care home a few weeks ago after yet another distressing and pointless 36 hours in A&E without admission. She was on a syringe driver with morphine and sleeping a lot, but started eating a little again at the weekend, so the syringe driver was removed yesterday and they are now just administering morphine orally. She was very distressed yesterday- calling for help, paranoid, and having frightening hallucinations. I asked the nurses if they can give her anything for mental distress. They said they need to speak to the doctor. I feel I need to go to the care home today again and advocate for her. She shouldn't be left like that. DF90 will want to come with me, but i feel like I need a break from him. He made a comment yesterday about how one of his carers (a young man) at home says he looks after his mum because 'it's the least he can do after all she's done for him', and how admirable he thought that was. It felt like emotional manipulation. I will be with DF all day tomorrow taking him to two appointments and was looking forward to a break from it all today. It's just so relentless. Poor mum. I really just wish it was over for her and she could be at peace, but she keeps on going.

@NDornotND I hope your mum is more comfortable today.
I really think professionals involved in elderly care should not make comments about their personal opinions or choices about care options. These decisions are stressful and emotionally charged anyway without a supposed expert adding to that.
When Brother mentioned potentially moving in with DM, one of the professionals involved with my DM's assessment told us that her mum lives with her and words to the effect of it being the natural order, what our mum's deserve and that she looked after us when we were small, now it's our turn to look after her. She has only met us twice and has no idea that the family dynamics are..interesting or that Brother has a habit of over promising and expecting others to take over. Even in a 'normal' family this attitude seriously underestimates what's involved in elderly care, the impact on the life of the adult child, and whether this is actually the best care for the elderly parent. When voiced by HCP/social workers etc it adds to the pressure and builds the narrative with the elderly person that 'if they really cared they'd look after me themselves' when in my experience very often really caring involves seeking help from outside the family.

@bigdogpaws Yes, I did think that the young man concerned is in his early 20s, so i don't know how much looking after his mum needs atm, although she could have disabilities i suppose. Also, he is from Pakistan, so there will be cultural differences too. I toyed with the idea of telling DF I had been chatting with an elderly lady who was determined to go into a care home once she couldn't manage, because she loves her children and wants them to be able to enjoy their lives and how lovely I thought that was - but I restrained myself....

@NDornotND I have total sympathy for your situation.

I dont agree with the assertion that we should care for elderly parents because they cared for us as children. There is no debt from childhood. We 'pay it forward'.

To be fair to DF, he's consistent. He asked me when I was 14 years old never to let him go into a care home...I agree about the lack of debt for adequate parenting. It just made me think perhaps he was only ever nice to secure our labour in his old age. I don't really believe that, but it is a very transactional way of seeing families.
I phoned the care home in the end. Apparently the doctor is reluctant to administer anything to help mum's mood because her sodium is low and it could exacerbate that. They say she's 'end of life' but are clearly frightened of doing anything that could hasten the end. My priority is for her to be comfortable and not in distress - I would hope that would be what the doctor is trying to achieve too. They tell me she is settled today and had a good night. I hope that is true.

@NDornotND Glad to hear your DM is more settled today. I think what you are looking for on her behalf is what any of us would want for ourselves.

I think it's easy to say 'Never let me go in to a care home' when you are relatively young and haven't seen the toll of caring for the needs of elderly relatives up close and personal. I suspect when my DM made similar statements in her 50s she probably imagined that she would end her days as her DF did- mentally sharp, physically slower but able and just needing a bit of help with cooking/cleaning.

I agree that there is no debt of care owed to our parents for them raising us as children- but it seems to be something glibly stated so frequently that it's almost impossible not to feel that if we don't want to be our parents' carers we are somehow letting them down. Not only is there no debt, but parenting your own child is nothing like caring for an elderly parent with dementia. My DC were safely in nursery whilst I worked, came along on days out/holidays, lived by my (sensible) rules and got more independent every year. Whereas DM gets too tired to go out for a full day (even if she felt up to it and wanted to), wants me to be available to help her 24/7, does not want to join any groups/have any paid care etc, wants to live by her own rules as a grown adult, gets less able every month and may continue needing more and more help for decades. There is no comparison and to claim that there is shows a real lack of understanding of what caring involves.

I am already starting discussions with my (young adult) DC to make sure they know they do not owe it to be to become my carer.

I've told my DC that when the time comes choose a home they find convenient and the only stipulation from me is it must have a nice garden not a bleak concrete patio with the odd planter. I've given them links to two I've visited for mum so they can see what sort of thing I like.

@NDornotNDI hope your mum is more comfortable now.

I flew home on Tuesday, after a 20 hour delay/flight cancellation and an unexpected night in an airport hotel. I spent the entire day today lying on the sofa watching standup comedy on YouTube (probably unwise as my actual arse is stiff from lack of movement). It’s the first time I’ve had a day more or less to myself in two months.

After finally getting the house on the market there are something like eight or ten viewings lined up for the weekend.

My mum came down with a bug the day I was leaving (urgh the guilt) so she has been collected by her brother to stay with him while she recovers and the estate agents can come and go as they please to show the house.

My mum really seems knocked sideways by all the stuff going on, sometimes she can’t keep a thought in her head for more than a minute so any decisions taken are often forgotten and rejigged the next day and again the next. She’s overdue to pick the carpet and paint for the new apartment and she has to reschedule an appointment for a medical review. Not that it’s the end of the world (and she has been sick) but if she isn’t capable of living independently they could refuse her the apartment, so the wobbliness is a concern for the usual reasons as well as these new reasons.

If I press her on any decisions she gets very flustered and unpleasant. I keep having to talk her down out of a rant about the things I’m making her do and all the reasons she has to do them later, which means they don’t get done. She has stopped reading her emails and answering her phone so a lot of it is falling to me, I’m being copied in on everything but can’t really do much to move things along. I can’t tell if it’s better to be there and on it all the time or to be here and be able to take time off but also be completely unable to get anything done. I feel sad about how she feels and also nervous about missing the magic window of getting her somewhere where she can be supported. Also tired of being ranted at and excited about how great it’ll be for her to be able to socialise and be surrounded with people and activity. Exhausting.

@countrygirl99 the instruction to be somewhere convenient is so important. For all DB complains about the CH DM is in he knows that it is the only one he can get to by bus.

From what I have seen, CH life is quite insular. Only the very active get out and about.

DB does now recognise that the end is coming soon for DM. We have had sensible conversations about funeral directors as I know we need to move promptly when the time comes.

I also directed him to the Age UK website which has a good page on the admin that happens when a person dies. His knowledge was pre Shipman and was fretting that there would need to be a PM and inquest.

'Elderly woman with multiple co-morbidities dies in CH' was hardly going to make a thrilling episode of Silent Witness.

@GnomeDePlume iirc if the/a doctor has seen the deceased reasonably recently and is happy they weren't bumped off somehow then no PM needed (she said vaguely).

@ManchesterMonkey I too remember you from the Homes, tho I was 99% lurker.
Thanks mainly to it being nice weather - with all that comes with it in terms of infection rates lowering - I managed a whole 3 weeks between elderly relative visits without disaster.
Though I did arrive at the same time as the supermarket delivery, and took the opportunity of extracting all the out of date food from the fridge, spreading it out on the surface, and getting ER to come in and see why I was going to say, "STOP ORDERING SALAD!". There were 3 or 4 bags and she'd just had more delivered.

But believe me I appreciate not having anything to vent about (...for now...)!

Hello 👋 Im a new comer - to this thread and also to the world of very suddenly elderly and unwell parents.
DM has a horrible mouth cancer. She had a big operation, it all looked optimistic and then the cancer has aggressively returned. She is in the middle of radiotherapy, is very stoic but clearly very uncomfortable. The previously pristine house is starting to be rather grimy around the edges
DF has always been very active and quite selfish. He has developed an awful depression (or dementia not clear yet) he’s medicated, totally negative, generally unsupportive of her, completely self centered, panicky and difficult.
I love abroad and am currently visiting about 1-2 times a month for a week or a long weekend.
I feel like I have been catapulted into this world and it’s quite an experience.
I have siblings
Im learning about boundaries but I’m not sure I am very good at them. I come back from visits - I stay with them - feeling like I have been run over by a truck and it takes about 3-4 days to feel myself again.