Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Gearing up for my trip to MIL tomorrow.

Due to distance I leave my house at 4.30 am and will get home hopefully around 9.00pm.
While there, I have managed to schedule a telephone appointment with her GP to discuss how we can try to prevent a recurrence of the cellulitis which she is repeatedly getting. However, I have a feeling they will phone me when I am in transit, as they said expect a call within their office hours, 8-6.30. They do not appear to read emails or answer their phones so I am just hoping it will be at a time I can deal with. I also need to try to sort out her Virgin TV package which her DS set up and which costs her £130.00 a month, so I assume it includes sports and films etc none of which she watches. She has absolutely no paperwork about it though, so that’s going to be interesting.
She hates me trying to do any admin, or cooking, or tidying, or anything except sitting on the sofa and talking about how wonderful her DS2and my DH her DS1 were and trying to make sense of their deaths. ( I understand this, they both died at 54, my DH first, from separate but aggressive cancers, it’s hard to process, but we have gone over it soooo many times, there are no answers and it upsets me, though I try not to let on)
I come away stinking of her fag smoke and depressed and guilty that I am leaving her alone for another month.
I feel so useless, I cannot seem to make her life any easier, but a lot of that is her refusal to allow me to actually do anything which might help. She is not her future friend!

@Scrabsqueak that’s such a kind and arduous level of support you’re giving. Has MIL had a social services assessment or is she not at that stage yet ?

Oh dear @Scrabsqueak that sounds such hard work.

Please can I creep in at the back and sit in whatever corner is for the bad daughters in law? I can’t explain everything going on here right now because my head is fried and I am staring down the barrel of months if not years of dealing with a selfish, manipulative nonagenarium whilst trying to prevent her running her son into the ground to satisfy her wishes, at the same time as I am working nearly ft and caring for our neurodivergent teen with medical issues whilst they navigate a perfect storm of GCSEs, a c#%*y LA who won’t provide a suitable 6th form and their very own stalker. Oh, and don’t get me started on what passes for the care system in this country… or CAMHS… or… anything really. Feck it all. And perimenopause too! Bah!!!

I just want to scream into a void until my throat bleeds, but that’s not going to help anything. Sighs…

@NoMoreFluffsToGive we always have space, the cafe is like the room of requirement. So no need to sneak in at the back - I’ve plumped up some cushions in a comfy chair for when you’re ready.

Many of us have been juggling our parents, DCs and work or other commitments, some of us have our own or partner or children’s health to consider (or a fun mix).

It sounds like both you and your DH might need some of the special magic boundary dust ✨ from the top shelf but we also understand how hard those are to establish and maintain.

I absolutely lost it with Corporate Golden Boy on Friday night to the extent of calling him a f##king c%nt and blocking both him and my other brother - The Flake - on every channel, although CGB’s virtue signalling email crept through my fortress.

Both of them have repeatedly ignored my request to find their Power of Attorney paperwork. Apparently, according to CGB it’s just ‘a piece of paper’. I explained again that the loss of those ‘bits of paper’, because I have mine and lodged it with my mum’s GP surgery means that only one of us - me! - has POA in the eyes of the NHS meaning I will be forced to take life or death decisions for our mother.

My mum has had a series of bad falls for which I’ve taken her to hospital, including 12 hours in A&E on Easter Sunday, followed by six weeks staying with her to ensure a new routine of eating, hydrating and putting a care package into place. I asked GGB to ring her to check in on Friday because by speaking on the phone means you can pick up nuance. He emails her.

Then on Friday evening I couldn’t get hold of her, so I panicked. I rang him and he told me I was ‘overthinking’ several times. He told Mr Monkey that he was overthinking it. I fucking lost it.

And then I sent him an email about whether overthinking includes hospital trips, staying for six weeks, dealing with social services, putting care into place and many other elements of support I’ve given over the past three years since she’s got frailer. He has the audacity to ring mum to ‘grass me up’ and put his side of the story in first that evening. My mum rings me to see if I’m OK. No, I am not OK. I am sick of responsibility being heaped on my shoulders.

He then emails me on Saturday to recount the TEAMS call he and his daughters did with mum on Saturday AM. I’ve ignored it. It doesn’t deserve a reply.

I am now for the foreseeable future going NC with the siblings.

We’re - Mr Monkey and I - supposed to be meeting cousins from the USA and CGB and his family in his European city in 10 days time. I am not going to go out for dinner with them all and pretending everything is OK to protect his image.

I am also going to be incredibly busy with work in the last 2 weeks of June and I am leaving CGB and The Flake to sort out stuff for mum.

The only thing CGB and The Flake want to do in June is to have a family conference with mum to persuade her to stay in an isolated and dangerous house (inheritance) rather thsn what she wants to do - sell up, get a flat near us and get support.

The dickheads don’t actually see that my mum is an ADULT with agency and, actually, living near me means they can abdicate what little responsibility they take. Her living near me would mean that I don’t have to stay for six weeks or go over for weekends or travel for an hour and forty to get to her. But what do her wishes or being helpful matter to them?

I am DISGUSTED with them.

Wishing strength for @Scrabsqueak tomorrow - do you have breaks built in and a reward lined up for yourself?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne sorry to hear you’re feeling poorly too 💐

Hoping @rookiemere is doing okay.

@ManchesterMonkey this reminds me of a thing about men’s brains having an empty box, that they can go to whenever they want and basically not have the huge mental load. The price of this is the sanity of the women in their life carrying that mental load. I’m so sorry you are screaming into what feels like a void.

@rookiemere yes, she has had social services assessments. She is deemed as full capacity, and she is really, just getting older. She does have private carers twice a day for fifteen minutes to give her medication, but nothing else, apart from peace of mind for me tbh, which she scoffs at when I say I’m glad they come in and check her. She very much resents them and would get rid of them if she could, but is not able to put in her own eyedrops although she keeps saying she’s sure she could. She’s never done it since I’ve known her, her DH then DS did them for her till they died.
She is remarkable really for 88, can get up and down stairs that challenge me, cooks her tea every night, hoovers the downstairs every day. She does not leave the house, but again, she rarely did apart from the garden really since I’ve known her.
The thing is, there is no one else. She has two sisters in their 80s themselves who live 250 miles away and are beyond travelling now. And me. 400 miles away and my DC but they are at Uni even further away and are in their 20s so I will not let them take on the burden at this important stage in their lives. They phone her every single day, as do I, so maybe she is luckier than some.
She seems to be made of steel, and bounces back from things remarkably given she is an absolute tiny bird of a woman.
But I am very conscious one trip and things could be very different. She just laughs at me if I say I’m worried about this though, and like Helen on the Archers, is adamant she does not need a falls alarm. If I ever buy her anything she doesn’t want, like a pill box, or fluffy, gentle towels, next time I visit they are deep in a cupboard never to see the light of day.
Sorry, I know I’m ranting, and loads on here are dealing with much more tricky situations. It’s just it kind of overshadows the days before I go, and depresses me the days after.

@Scrabsqueak she is very lucky to have you and your DDs in her life and you’re right to protect your DDs from taking on more of a role. I sometimes feel our elderlies are like a vortex that could suck up all available time and effort and it would still disappear into a black hole which would make no change to their happiness or outcome. I am sure your MIL appreciates your visits and her DGDs calls, refusal to acknowledge or use any useful adaptation is par for the course unfortunately.

Relatively successful care home visit today. I got an email from the team lead to say he would chase up Specsavers tomorrow as as I was there I was able to reiterate that point. I feel sorry for the guy, he clearly isn’t seeing much of that weekly £1900 for the role and responsibilities he has, but I must be my DPs advocate. I brought DM in some flowers as I got two bunches last night and she seemed to like that, plus the gluten free chocolate crumble biscuits, so I got a few minutes before she launched into her litany about her endless medications and timings <sigh>.

Had a nice little walk with DF then we watched a bit of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on the communal tv. It was nice to spend time with him without talking in companionable silence, I am grateful that them going into the care home has allowed me to reset my relationship with him in a positive direction.

@ManchesterMonkey I'm really sorry to hear all this- I hoped your brothers were stepping up a bit. I wonder if the 'overthinking' accusation is a common one for useless brothers to make? Mine also says this about me. I suspect, as pp suggested, it's because they never really carry the mental load, or take responsibility when things go wrong, so can just say 'It will be OK' knowing that they won't be the ones having to sort everything out when it's not, or juggle all the boring but necessary planning that results in everything being OK. Do you think you'll be able to leave them to it at the end of June, so they get a better idea of what's involved. Hopefully your mum won't be swayed by them and will go ahead with moving closer to you- it sounds like she'd have a much better quality of life there.

@Scrabsqueak I agree with your stance on not allowing your children to get involved in caring for grandparents. It's lovely that you visit your MIL and take such and interest in her. If she really has capacity and seems happy with her life as it is, I think all you can do is let her enjoy your company when you see her and accept that perhaps she might have a fall etc but this is her chosen way to live. Easier said than done I know.

@rookiemere It's great to hear that your parents are settling in to the home. I know what you mean about the litany of medications/timings- it seems to be focal point of my mum's life now and just about the only thing she wants to think about (the other being how wonderful useless brother is and how much harder his life is than anyone else's). I sometimes wish I could have a sensible discussion with her about doing something (anything) else, or what is the point of taking medication to keep you alive to simply talk about medication all day- but I she wouldn't understand. I count it as a win if I manage to distract her for half an hour or so with some nice food, or a story from the past.

I am popping in after a long break, MiL passed away and this place was a godsend during the denial stages by DH that she was ill, and through the NHS saying she had capacity when she didn't, to carers and falls and lies about commode use, to fab social worker who found her place in a care home and really kind dementia nurse who rang to see how I was, but couldn't offer any help as she wasn't allowed to refer MiL to doctors (NHS communications and sharing of info problem). Now I am here, as I suspected I would be worrying about my own DM, in particular, and can see similar issues with family being in denial. DD thinks all the drugs she is now taking, particularly anti depressants, will cure her!! When I list the issues I can see, it's clear its either early dementia or even Parkinsons. She has struggled with mobility for several years, is heavy footed, can't stand still without feeling unsteady, etc. She has poor hearing and won't admit it. In the last year she has become more and more reluctant to travel or even continue with old routines with friends, she never makes phone calls and rarely answers the phone, if she does talk she quickly says I am sorry I can't seem to talk for any longer and cuts off abruptly, she sounds like she has a mouth full of cotton wool when she talks, she has gone through a short tempered phase of shouting at my DD, and come out of it much more placid, (which is not her character at all), she wakes every night several times and says she lies there awake in the early hours (new medication helping with that). She has lost her appetite, but is being persuaded to eat more and little and often, complains about excess saliva, and has reported hand shakes - any task she attempts is really slow, and she has issues with constipation including needing and emergency doctors to sort things out. I am realistic, she may have good days and with medication and sensible diet feel a little better but my DD says ridiculous things like 'She got Lady Diana's problem...' and is blaming all her symptoms on stress (long story about cause of that so won't bother). My sibling and I live over 2 hours away and are organising regular visits when we can, and they have great neighbours, I suggested a care company that might help with a few jobs, but they met the manager and were so shocked at prices that idea was knocked on the head. I can see what will be needed and can only work on the crisis management model, DM has had blood tests and gastro tests, but no hearing test has been suggested or any cognitive tests - not particularly impressed with GP, we have PoA on health and wealth only when DPs consider it necessary. DD rings up to moan about not wanting this life, he wants to be out and about not being told she can't walk or doesn't want to..... he doesn't get to go out, but tbh most of his local close friends have passed away and he can't drive any more, he wants her better because he wants an easier life but she isn't going to get better..... one sibling is on his side and doing thing a little differently and not seeing how he has declined and has unrealistic expectations but if I voice my concerns I sound very negatative. So I am watching and visiting and hoping that the GP calls them in and organises more tests and suggests coping strategies and help. Or maybe the GP doesn't see it either and I am doom and glooming......

Welcome back @Juneday , although I guess you’d rather not be here. It must be doubly frustrating having gone through this with your MIL to see the same dynamics playing out with your parents.

(i take it DD is Dear Dad rather than Dear Daughter?)

Im on my way back to UK to visit DM with agressive head and neck cancer - having radiotherapy and is exhausted and it’s horrible side affects and very depressed pessimistic and child like DF who is really struggling. Staying for a week and thank goodness DH is coming to help me for some of this time.
They are resistant to any help except Damon and this can’t really continue.

Also @Junedaythis all sounds familiar to me. You have my sympathies.

Thanks for the lovely welcome @FiniteSagacity…not sure if I am relieved or sad that I am not the only one going through this, it’s grim!

mil is an “interesting” person… I’m autistic so not great at “getting” people but I have never been able to fully work her out - there’s a definite golden child scenario in the family (to DH’s detriment) that doesn’t help… and recently she’s been making some decisions that are either her emotionally blackmailing or punishing DH, or if I’m being generous could maybe be signs of cognitive decline (she is in her 90s)?? I have always suspected her of being quite spoilt and manipulative though, so it’s hard to say.

She’s adamant that she won’t go into a care home, but really isn’t coping at home alone anymore & won’t let the carers do anything useful…it’s like she’s stubbornly making a point; she doesn’t want carers, she wants DH there all the time. DH is basically running her house for her and it’s wearing him down, & now she’s falling regularly. She won’t call us or use her fall alarm when this happens though, she will text or email him “just to let you know…I’ve fallen and I’m on the floor” This is typically in the middle of the night, it’s almost like she’s trying to make him feel guilty for not picking up the message in the night when he sees it the next day… the carers aren’t allowed to pick her up, so if she’s being grumpy with DH she’ll get them to get a neighbour instead and be very passive aggressive about it
It’s all getting a bit mad… and it’s only going to get worse isn’t it??

@NoMoreFluffsToGive Welcome back to the club that we'd all rather not be qualified to join. From what I've read on here and experienced with my own mum, cognitive decline can often ramp up the unreasonable behaviour in those who are already 'interesting'. My mum has always wanted me to do things her way, and to put anything that I might want after what she thinks and/or Brother wants but I suspect has previously had some awareness that this is not entirely reasonable so she would previously have tried to be subtly manipulative and slightly careful about what she says. Now she's much more direct, or when she tries to manipulate it's very obvious.
You mention there is a Golden Child scenario- do you mean that there is a golden child sibling? or that your DH is the only, and MIL treats him as the golden one and the only person she wants. If the former, what do siblings think about MIL's behaviour?
It's definitely exhausting trying to help a parent who refuses to accept help from others. Have you had a social care assessment update recently? Even if she is self funding this might be useful- just so that there can be someone impartial to make suggestions about what could help. Assuming you're in the UK, the tricky bit would be whether your DH would be prepared to be open about what he can sustainably keep doing for her. If she tells them that he does everything for her they won't ask whether it's burning him out etc

There’s one sibling who is definitely the golden child Who Must Not Be Inconvenienced. To be fair they live just over an hour away while we live ~20 minutes away, and I don’t think they consciously mean for it to all fall on DH? Unfortunately DH is the one who will be straight about the realities of things & mil doesn’t like that. I do think that if there is dementia it’s allowing the real selfishness to show more and more… and then I feel really guilty for thinking that! She’s really manipulative though

@NoMoreFluffsToGive sounds tough for you and your DH. It’s so hard to know if they’re being deliberately manipulative or if they just aren’t thinking rationally any more. I would have said that I come from a very rational family but when it came to extreme old age DM and DP refused pretty much all reasonable suggestions of additional paid for support whilst simultaneously taking as much as DH and I gave to them. Part of it was dementia, but also I think with them, they were using up so much energy just staying alive and worrying about their spouse, they had nothing left to give or care about the damage it was inflicting on us.

In MILs case it’s probably going to take a crisis for anything to change. I would encourage your DH to step away as much as he can.

Thsnk you. Yep, their heads are empty, for sure. I feel like I’m screaming into a void - that’s exactly it. I’m having a body keeps the score illness (virus like illness) and I’ve been in bed all day sleeping.
@bigdogpaws it’s the thing of saying to me that I’m overthinking. Overthinking sure is convenient for them. Has your overthinking meant that you’ve taken on the load?

today my mum emailed me - not those two - to say that she’s got her eye clinic time wrong and it clashes with the carer.

I suspect that even though she’s stated she ‘doesn’t want me to take the majority of the care on’ she doesn’t want to bother them and cause family drama.

It’s actually more convenient that the eye appointment is a later time as it means I can get to hers later - she really isn’t safe anymore to walk from a car park to her opticians - so I only have to stay one night not two as there are blood tests the next day. Again, the car park is too far away from the doctor.

i asked them to investigate a disabled badge for her car. They haven’t.

I have replied copying the two of them in saying what day would be better for the carer? I am not the only person who can be responsible for this day to day arrangement with carers.

No response from any of them or my mum.

I think I’m going to have to get really tough with all of them. I’m going to find some family arrangement app, buy it and we can ALL log into this.

i am now going into my paperwork pile 😳 to find power of attorney paperwork and if I’m fortunate enough to find THEIRS I will be making copies, posting them and dropping them off to my mum’s GP. No one is telling me that it’s just a bit of paper and not being responsible enough to locate paperwork or send off for it.

Have to say @ManchesterMonkeythese threads and my friends experience has made me kind of glad I am an only DC.

Unfortunately the reality is if your DBs were going to pick up that rope they would have done it by now. Nothing you do - or don’t do- is going to change that.

At some point you have to protect your own sanity and accept that’s the reality you’re working
. It’s not fair, but you can’t keep burning yourself out waiting for them to become different people.

If your DM wants to move closer to you and you’re willing to support that, then that’s the plan that matters. Your DM also needs to realise what side her bread is buttered on. You are the one who steps up and 1hr40 each way is simply not sustainable going forward so she has to move.

My weird family dynamics continue. Golden balls has gone into full matyr mode and is not communicating with DB2 so is having to manage stuff from a distance that DB2 or I would do. I've blocked him so he can't communicate with me but DB2 and I are on the same page and he pases on any info from goldenballs. But despite his tantrum a few weeks ago which preceded his radio silence, after today's visit, I'm pretty sure he's not done anything about the grotty care home because her old microwave has been replaced by a shiny new one since my last visit 20 days ago.
Trouble is I'm sure mum would be happier in the right care home as she gets lonely as her social circles does off/ becomes housebound/ goes into care homes. This evening she asked 3 times how MIL is. MIL died November 2023.

@ManchesterMonkey You are right to push back on this but as rookiemere says, you may need to accept that they simply won't step up so perhaps sorting getting your mum closer to you as soon as you can should be the priority right now. My supposed 'overthinking' definitely results in me being pushed in to taking on more. If brother thinks we should do something that I suggest (often after discounting until a crisis that I predicted happens) his stance is 'Bigdogpaws knows all about this, so it will be quicker/better if she sorts it out'. If he doesn't agree or want to face up to things I suggest we consider the response is 'Bigdogpaws is over thinking again! That (very predictable situation) is really not likely and if it does happen we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Everything will be OK- she always overthinks and makes a drama out of everything but it's always fine so she should just leave it.' Then of course when the predictable situation arises he claims it's just one of those things that could happen to anyone and 'we' need to pull together to sort it all out (but conveniently only I apparently have the knowledge/time/information). In the past I had been quietly making contingency plans in the background so that I could deal with things more easily but I've realised this just encourages his claim that there's no need to plan- everything always turns out OK. It's one of the reasons why I've taken a big step back- unless it's something very serious I am trying to let him (rather than me) deal with the consequences of his underthinking/lack of planning. In our case I think this is partly just they way he runs his own life, but that's probably only because until very recently he's always had someone (often our parents) who will rush in and make sure everything's OK so he's never learned the importance of thinking ahead.
My brother is a master at strategic incompetence too. I wonder if this could be part of the issue with your brother re the LPA etc- if he persuades you he can't be trusted with the paperwork etc then you'll feel you must do it all?

Hopefully your mum won't let them put her off the plan to move closer to you so at least if you keep having to do more you won't have the journey as well, and it sounds like there are others around you that could offer support that isn't available where she currently lives. Don't let them think that's a free pass though- there is plenty that they could do remotely.

@ManchesterMonkey i second the comments that say your siblings won’t change, ever. So I’d say to proceed with making plans with your mum on the basis it’s just you facilitating the move, and decide what you can and can’t do on that basis. In fact, I wouldn’t bother with their PoA paperwork because if it comes to a point they disagree with something you’re doing then it will be harder for them to do anything about it because you are the sole active Attorney.

Your resentment and frustration with them can be dealt with separately. You’ll probably find it easier once you stop trying to involve them and just discuss with your mum. Like many of the women with useless husbands on other threads who find their life as a single mum much easier to manage.

By comparison with so many in this club nobody wants to be in my own DB is doing a lot if the visiting etc.

My only real issue with him is that he doesnt want any of DM's dementia symptoms medicated. He recognises that the end is coming soon but at the same time wants to drag it out with DM in a semi-conscious, frequently distressed state.

DB has convinced himself that this is what DF 'would have wanted'. DF died over 30 years ago and has been beatified to an unhealthy degree in DB's memory. My memories of DF are different.

Still ill here but I did go and see DM on Sunday for a cup of coffee. She was shocked at how ill I look (thanks!) and sent me home. She seems to be coping fine. I’ll need to stock up her fridge this week but I’m going to stay home otherwise. DB must be picking up the slack for once.