Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Welcome @Ritaskitchen to the thread no one wants to be on. I recognise the feeling of needing to recover after a visit. We often say on here to put your own oxygen mask on first, and it’s a marathon not a sprint etc but it can be very difficult to translate from theory to reality. Sending solidarity.

Welcome @Ritaskitchen. Starting to help care for parents due to serious illness is definitely a fast track into the world of this thread rather than the more gentle introduction that comes from general aging and dementia. Plus you have the emotional shock of your parent being seriously ill to deal with. And being abroad adds another set of difficulties. Has your dad’s depression started or got significantly worse since your mum’s illness? His life is totally changed too by your mum’s illness and he can’t escape it like we can by getting home after a visit. Where are your siblings in comparison to your parents and are they sharing the load?

I am on my recovery day today after a 400+ mile round trip to see mum yesterday. I smiled wryly at @GnomeDePlume’s comment about care home being convenient as mum’s CH is definitely not convenient to me ( although it is walkable from the nearest train station.) She is up north in the area she has always lived and I am down south. I looked briefly into care homes here but I had no personal recommendations like I did for ones near mum and I had no time to research as dad was ill. Then suddenly he died and I needed an immediate place for mum and so she is in a care home there. That was three years ago and as the two care homes she has been in have both been good and cheaper than it would be down here as she self funds I just accept I have to travel. I have somewhere up there I can stay for a few days when I want to be around more for her and I have started doing that more now her dementia is worse and she has moved to a nursing home. But convenient it is not.

I’m also in the situation where mum is in a home close to where she lives but 100 miles from me. One advantage has been that the other residents are also local, so are many of the carers and thus the accent, local vocabulary etc are familiar. There’s always someone that knows someone else iyswim. And when she was well enough to join in their day trips she knew where she was.

I have to say the best decision we made was to move DPs to a care home near us.
Technically the care home we viewed where the lived was much better and I do sometimes think of it wistfully as the manager and atmosphere were amazing, but the advantages of being 5 minutes drive away are enormous. DMs dementia means if I structure it right I can have a fairly normal 5-10 minute conversation with her before she fixates on something, at which point I leave and go for a walk with DF.

They weren’t living where they were from originally and if they had stayed in the area they may have had the very occasional visit from their neighbours or DFs Probus club members, but I doubt there would have been many.

It also makes it easier to keep on top of things- they don’t seem the most proactive in terms of organising hearing and eyesight tests and things like that.

Sorry for those travelling further. My friends DH travelled 90 minutes the other day to see his DF only for him to be asleep for most of the visit.

Hi @Chouxits definitely got worse since the diagnosis. My Mums operation and radiotherapy has changed her facial appearance somewhat. She also used to do almost 90% of the house work and now it’s much harder for her.
My siblings - I have three. One lives in America - he came over at my request for a week. But it’s too much for him to come again.
one lives locally - she is very child like. I suspect autism or adhd. She helps when she can. But imagine a 14 year old dealing with this situation
I have another sibling who is a few hours away. She is self employed and helping where she can.
I think long term my parents need a cleaner and my dad who knows. I’m realizing I come over do cleaning and washing etc and chase social care/Gp etc. But this isn’t viable long term. So I’m going to talk to DH. Wait for radiotherapy to end and then it maybe time to make a sort of longer term plan.
Myself and my sister have agreed that if dad hasn’t improve in 6 weeks with the medication then we will approach the GP ourselves and ask for a way forward.
Im actually thinking that Dad may need a care home as he is considered a ‘carer’ but really she is caring for him.
Funnily enough I enjoy traveling to my parents. And I’m learning to balance staying when them with staying in hotels ans having my own space.

@Ritaskitchen I had a similar situation where DPs had just about been managing for a number of years, but wheels fell off the bus very quickly when DM - who was previously the more with it of the two of them - had a fall and became more or less bedbound. It’s really hard because they were so interdependent and between the two of them, just about made up one functioning person.

Honestly I would push hard now if they have the funds to get things outsourced. If you discuss it with your DM, you may find some of their friends already have one that they could get details for. It’s easier doing it now under the guise of just while the two of them need a bit of extra help and it would ease your mind considerably. If they get a good one, they may be prepared to do things like clearing out the fridge or helping with other chores. It also gets them used to having someone else in the house.

I went on a long charity walk with a friend and her cousin today (we are all in our mid 40s) . After the event the cousins family all met us - her parents are in their late 60s & live near the finish line. They made such a fuss of us with drinks & food all set out at their house & kept saying well done and generally looking after us. I have come away just feeling wow - I have not felt “looked after” like that for years. I have just done so much caring for my elderly parents for the last 10 years - hosted every Christmas/Easter - my negative feelings are seeping into everything even on nice days like today, I am done in I think

Mum passed away this morning. I am relieved she is finally at peace but sad for myself and especially DF - they had been married more than 65 years and he is bereft. Thank you everyone for your support recently.

I am sorry for your loss @NDornotND

I'm sorry for your and your DF's loss @NDornotND

Sorry for your loss @NDornotND . Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

Condolences @NDornotND. We will still be here if you need us. 💐

So sorry to hear that @NDornotND
Your dad will be lost without her.

Hugs and condolences @NDornotND .

I’m so sorry to you and your DF @NDornotND and wishing you strength 💐

@NDornotND I’m sorry for your loss, I hope you and your DF take some comfort in her being at peace.

@NDornotND I’m so sorry, condolences to you and your DF 💐

@NDornotND sorry for your loss

@Senttotestusthat was a very heartfelt message and I didn’t want it to get lost. I also get the deep sadness that I have no one ( except DH) who cares and wants to look after me.

I felt it on my birthday. I bought a lovely card for myself for DH to give to DPs to sign, saying what a great DD I was. But then on the day itself there was of course a crisis with DM <sigh> and again I just got lost into my role as adult gopher and sorter.
DF got taken into hospital last night from the care home, may or may not be serious, all I actually feel is overwhelming weariness about cranking yet again into top gear for something that may or may not be fatal. I don’t feel proud of myself, but I haven’t got much left to give.

@rookiemere oh dear, it never ends.
Your DPs are safely in the care home, then wham - back into hospital one of them goes.

@NDornotND sorry for your loss.

@NDornotND my condolences and I hope you can find some peace.

@rookiemere I so know that 'here we go again' feeling. There are only so many times you can gird your loins.

DM has slipped another inch down the ramp. Yesterday she was very tired but cheerful and chatty but her speech was very indistinct (Rowley Birkin if you know The Fast Show). Kept falling asleep then waking up, absolutely no clue who I was or what was being talked about even a moment earlier.

DM's abdomen is hugely distended. She is aware of it but it doesnt seem to be in pain from it. DB is in agreement that there should be no investigation which would involve a hospital visit.

@GnomeDePlumeyou must be a master of girding by now, in fact it’s amazing you have any loins left.

I couldn’t get through to the hospital so drove to the care home to see DF sitting up reading his Daily Telegraph as per normal in the living room. The projectile vomiting, diarrhoea and extended stomach apparently all gone and just released back. When I spoke to the wing manager reading between the lines, I suspect had he been there DF wouldn’t have been sent to hospital at all. So thankfully all a bit of a storm in a teacup. Horribly selfishly as it was happening last night all I could think about was that Wed- Fri were already at capacity as DH going away so I am working and on dog walking duty at either end of the day and will we still be able to go on holiday in a fortnight.

I go through the motions and generally say and do the right thing, but it feels like I have lost the ability for human empathy and emotions

@rookiemere I now wear the gird as a truss.

I think the constant low level worry destroys finer feelings. I know I come across as harsh and unfeeling about DM but there are only so many times you can think 'this is it'.