Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Had a call from mum's carers, they think she may have a UTI. Mum's GP is shocking to try and contact.

@rookiemere @bigdogpaws @funnelfan

thank you. It’s so tough being the ‘strategic’ one, oh and the ‘tactical’ one and the ‘practical’ one. The One Woman Ltd.

whoever wrote this - GENIUS
“My brother is a master at strategic incompetence too“

I’ve found the paperwork for POA and it does include finance. Corporate Golden Boy didn’t think it did. It will be the only bit of Attorney-ville they will be interested in, so I’ll be keeping quiet about it. In fact, I’m not bringing the subject up again. Mum doesn’t need us taking charge, but I am being bloody gaslit to death over my statement ‘/best get our ducks in a row for any eventuality’

you’re right I am screaming into a void. The person who needs to make them step up is my mum, although they will frame it as Drama Monkey. I’m going to stop shutting mum down over the move discussion - “we all need to talk about it” - out of some ridiculous sense of fairness that they are involved properly, when their only desired involvement is pivoted to ££££.

I’m going to have to reframe a lot of thinking. It’s very hard. Thank god I’ve got a good counsellor. Somehow it’s really comforting that he’s male.

Wow . Can he not realise that the thoughts of someone who died 30 years ago have no relevance in today's modern world .

Surely he can comprehend it's now that matters in the care ( and sorry to say , the end ) for your mother .

@GoldMoon DB sees his contradicting anyone who suggests medication for dementia symptoms is 'doing the right thing and what DF would have done'. I also knew DF, I suspect he would have quietly dropped a pillow on DM's face months ago.

We both have POA but CH team are a little bit frightened of how DB would react if DM had some sort of calming medication. DB can be quite unpleasant when challenged.

DB is still managing to convince himself that DM is still 'there'. Whereas I just dont see it. Perhaps it is just the case that we each see what we expect to see.

Any road up. I'm off on holiday in a few weeks. DB is annoyed that this will mean I wont be visiting DM for three weeks in a row. Perhaps months ago I would have felt guilty. I dont now. DM barely registers my presence let alone recognising me. At my last visit I was stroking her head and she largely didnt notice.

@ManchesterMonkey Since your brothers clearly don't intend to do much I think you're quite right not to try to include them in discussions about your mum's move. Since she has full capacity, and it's clearly only you that will be expected to help with the move and do a lot for her afterwards, it doesn't need to involve your brothers. It's infuriating but this is what they have chosen by not engaging in sensible discussions.

@GnomeDePlume I've found with my brother, and previously with other relatives that 'It's what [insert name of dead loved one] would have wanted' is sometimes used to try to shut down an argument when they know what they are saying wouldn't stand up to logic. With my brother 'It's what Dad would have wanted' (or 'Dad wouldn't have let that happen') really means 'I will not be discussing or explaining why, but everyone must do as I say'. I think sometimes it's because they know that what they want to do is not rational but they feel emotionally that they must do it and sometimes with DB it's because it suits him personally regardless of the impact on everyone else. I wonder if the latter could be part of why your DB doesn't want your mum medicated- perhaps somehow emotionally he feels that he can persuade himself she's still 'there'.

Even if it's accurate, the reference to preferences of people who are long gone also annoys me because usually they can't possibly have foreseen the specific set of circumstances that are being navigated now. My brother likes to remind me that Dad always said he and mum wanted to stay in their own home to the end. This is true, but was a statement made a lot when they bought a bungalow in their 50s. It just happened to be in the area that they wanted but they always said it was a great purchase because it would help them stay there until the end. Their own elderly relatives all lived independently until very close to the end of their lives, in fairly good health with sight mobility problems being their only real issue. I don't think he considered for a second that mum would be living there on her own with declining cognitive and physical health.

Stuff has happened over the last few days and it's pretty clear mum needs to go into a care home now and there's likely to be a DOLS. But golden balls has chosen care home that is 2 hours away, twice as far away as where she lives now. Guess I won't be visiting fortnightly.

@countrygirl99sounds like it’s probably for the best that your DM is going into a care home. Rubbish it’s so far away - is it close to him ?

@GnomeDePlume I am so glad you are going on holiday, hope it’s somewhere nice. I had meant to enquire earlier in the year, but it seemed indelicate.

Success at last ! DMs hearing appointment is finally scheduled at the care home with Soecsavers after a series of emails with increasing curtness to the team lead. It seems nothing had been done on it since we originally asked about it back on 23rd April. I also finally managed to get the relish app installed- it’s a bit like keeping tabs on your DCs at nursery but instead your oldies. I politely enquired if we should expect additional one to ones for DM asI could only see one on the system - a friend who is the activities coordinator at another care home, probably better because it costs an additional £1000 per week, had said she should be getting these if she can’t attend the normal stuff - so they said that yes of course they would be all over it going forward.

Goodness knows what happens if residents haven’t got someone to look out for them. I think for DF I will just take him out for eye and hearing as it seems to be a huge hassle to get the most basic things sorted.

@rookiemere no, still t hours from him just a slight change of direction. It's not convenient for a single family member to visit. A couple of her GC will be the nearest at about one and a half hours. They both have young families and currently one lives less than half a mile away, the other lives about 15 minutes away but works in the same town. DB2 and I have identified e care homes that would be suitable and much easier to visit but they've been rejected for "cost reasons" when they are the same cost level as this one so god knows his reasoning.

5 hours not t hours

That’s just ridiculous then @countrygirl99. Unfortunately as I have realised it’s good if you can have someone living close to the care home to keep on top of them about matters. I know you’re trying to stay out of it but can you stop it at all and get her somewhere closer?

@countrygirl99 you posts about goldenballs make me want to reach into the internet and shake your “D”B.

It sounds like there’s been a step change/ decline in your mum. I know you’ve posted for a while that residential care would be the best option for her, but everything you’ve been doing has been to try and do it in a relatively controlled manner at a pace you could try to control for her and this sounds like it’s a crisis move, like it ends up for so many of us. I’m sorry.

Is there any silver lining in that your mum will have care 24 hours? Is it at least a decent place and not the grotty one that he originally chose? I’m just trying to see if there are any positives at all that would help offset the rage against your sibling.

Mum has deteriorated over the last few weeks. He's so frustrating. Last summer I found a care home that was convenient for everyone else and where I could do short visits 2 or 3 times a week and he was really vicious about how expensive it was but this one is no cheaper and she'll hardly get any visitors.
I had a plan if he tried to put her in the grotty care home in her town but if he really has got a DOL even that wouldn't work as he has sole POA. Turns out he must have actually made a note of how bad it was because he didn't even contact them.

I thought that the care home applies for the DOL after assessing their needs once the resident moves in. Not the family.

that’s how it was explained to me anyway for my DM, and the LA rang me when they got the paperwork to check whether I had any objections on my mums behalf.

@funnelfan I believe you are right there.

My understanding and experience was that the Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding process was for the care home (or whichever managing authority is depriving the person of some liberty) to request a Local Authority DoLS assessment and receive an Authorisation to deprive liberty (or not) from the LA.

The nursing home requested a DoLS assessment once it was clear our Dad would be there ‘permanently’ and also had to notify if anything changed (such as moving to another level of care with less access to the outside world). There was a long waiting list but the DoLS assessor was a LA Social Worker and produced a detailed report. We didn’t make it to the 12 month review period imposed.

I’m so sorry @countrygirl99 that the location is not being chosen to suit more visitors.

Goodness knows whether there's a DOL in place or not. He only communicates what he wants to. We've found out there is a reason this location is convenient for him and his attitude is tough, only his wishes count. He had a rant about how little I do to DB2 who pointed out that he knows exactly what I do and how often I visit because we compare notes when each of us goes and he is so wrong he's on another planet. DB2 got told he's wrong. So I'll go every 4-6 weeks. I've worked out there's something I can do regarding an hobby on the way so I shall make a day of it and he can deal with any hospital issues etc.
I blame mum tbh, he could never do any wrong in her eyes and always got what he wanted even when he was being a complete shit as a teenager doing drugs and shoplifting. I remember one year there was a scout trip abroad. Of course he could go on that, character building, no questions asked. But the same year I asked to go on a (cheaper) french exchange through school and even though I was doing french o level I could only go if it was my birthday and Christmas present.

At least she will be in a care home @countrygirl99, safe and looked after and that’s the important thing.
I am sorry I was negative earlier, I didn’t realise it was such a fait accompli. It’s good you have found a way to build the visits around your hobby.

Yes, it will be a relief when she's in a care home. I think if she'd gone to an assisted living flat after dad died 4 years ago as she wanted I think the decline would have been slower. But golden balls told us the social worker had said she wouldn't be accepted. I only found out 18 months ago this was a lie and they would have taken her with early stage dementia and she could have moved to a care home on the same site as she progressed. But by then it was too late. I think he just didn't want the hassle of selling her house as he had his on the market. DB2 and I have been trying to identify a suitable home for when the time came for 3 years but golden balls has vetoed every proposal. Now it's urgent he's whining that he is having to do everything even though he hasn't communicated with DB2 at all and after his outbursts at Christmas I blocked him everywhere.. And many of the problems he's complaining about I suggested solutions for months or even years ago so I have zero sympathy. But they where bought in solutions and, being in possession of a vagina, I should have been sacrificing my life and time with my DH and DC to do everything commuting daily to do so.

In which case it sounds like you’ve done (more than) your fair share of caring and worrying for your mum over the last few years and “D”B1 can take it from here. Your mum has reaped what she sowed and you can resume just being her daughter and not her fixer. I found that made a huge difference to my mental health. Visit according to your conscience, and it sounds great that you could combine with an interest of yours.

@ManchesterMonkey I’ve not been on here for a while and may have name changed. You mentioned about a communication app. I looked into this and ironically I found parenting apps for separated/divorced parents fitted the bill. The Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk was the one I wanted to use. Golden Child refused of course because it kept accurate records that could be used in court.

Well I arrived on a Monday to find out that DF has had another appointment with GP. He has been referred to the memory clinic.
So maybe my letters have had an effect. He’s on the highest amount of antidepressant.
I have hacked the garden back.
In a complete change of heart DF isn’t going to any of DMs radiotherapy appointments this week - including the review. He’s going to his activities instead.
The meals I cooked and froze when I was last here have not been eaten. So not sure what has been going on.
DF has also been in contact with someone from Gp and told them he wants to be doing activities morning and afternoon as this is the only way he will “recover” from his depression. Meanwhile he does almost 0 housework, no cooking and the garden is turning into a jungle. But there is “nothing to do” when he isn’t doing his activities.

@countrygirl99 @Kirschcherries It's so infuriating when goldenboy brothers veto perfectly sensible suggestions! It sounds like Countrygirl99 is in a similar position to my family but a year or 2 further down the line. I've also been suggesting assisted living for a while but brother has persuaded mum she won't like it and it's not necessary as 'we' will look after her. I think it would have been perfect for her- one of her biggest problems is fear when she's alone and lack of social interaction so once she got used to it I think it could have given her a new lease of life. As pp mentioned, I know that there are some places near her that have a care home side too, so she would have been able to move there if/when needed and it would have been a less traumatic transition for her than if she needs to go directly in to a care home. Brother is another one who makes a fuss about issues that arise with the situation he's insisting is the only option, even when the issues are things that I predicted a long time ago and suggested things that would have prevented or mitigated them. This weeks' 'crisis' involved him only telling me about a medical appointment when it was too late to change he time/date (he usually opens mum's post, but I deal with medical appointments) , I needed to collect Mum at a time that didn't suit him, he blamed me for not communicating about this sooner and not wanting to collect mum hours earlier. I have suggested a shared google calendar for mum's appointments so whoever reads the letter/makes the appointment can put it in immediately, we can add notes about anything she needs to take etc and note who is taking her/what time she's being collected etc. This is apparently a stupid idea and just extra admin for no reason- he hasn't got time to piss about with pointless admin crap!

@bigdogpaws I feel for you as I’ve been there and done that, I found my Mum a lovely retirement village. It wasn’t all singing and dancing but had 24/7 carers on site so you could buy care as her needs increased. It had a coffee shop/restaurant that was the social hub and a long list of activities. Golden child said no.
Sadly with the social isolation my Mums decline was rapid and she is now in a care home with dementia.

@Kirschcherries I'm sorry to hear that your mum declined that way- this is what I fear for my mum too. Brother's preferred solution is that he and his family will move in to mum's house with her (they live in a very small house, she has a very large house). I can see a lot of financial benefits for him but quite apart from the fact that I really don't think he's considered how they will manage as her health declines, I don't think this will really help her isolation. She will still be alone all day when they are at work and will still be entirely dependent on the 2 of us, and her elderly siblings, for everything. When she was younger she used to enjoy seeing friends but all her old friends have passed away already. I'm sure that if she had an opportunity to mix with other people during the day she'd be much happier. Brother says this is unnecessary as he can drop her off at a local social group once a week but he's been saying this for at least 6 months and it's not happened yet. I also don't think an hour or so once a week will be enough for mum to really feel she settles in to getting to know people. I feel really sorry for mum but she believes it when brother tells her that living around people who are not family would be frightening for her and she wouldn't be treated as well as he will treat her.

At least I have one sensible brother who is there this morning wondering what all the gardening golden balls claims to have done recently is because all he can see is the shrubs he trimmed a couple of weeks ago and the lawn needs mowing (he did it 2 weeks ago).

@bigdogpaws Thank you.

Having been through it I would suggest you ask challenging questions, preferably in front of SIL e.g. if sadly his DW died would he continue to live in Mums house and care for her? What happens if Mum needs to go in a home? How will you feel having carers in 4 times a day?

The real test question is would you be prepared to draw up a legal agreement so everyone is clear what happens in a range of different scenarios?

If your Mum doesn’t have LPAs in place they make sure she does them as you need oversight of her finances but also input to her care.