Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Good for you. Bloody brothers. One of mine is ok but he is self employed and has a disabled DC so has limited capacity. The other one (the one mum moved to be near) bogged off to the other end of the country once he retired and thought being sole POA gave him the right to bark orders at me. I live an hour away which is apparently nothing and I should be doing everything including making sure she takes her meds morning and evening so she doesn't have to pay for carers/cleaner/gardener. He was surprised when I ended up going NC with him.

He was surprised when I ended up going NC with him

🤣 they just don't get it, do they.
Arseholes.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne quite! It’s jaw dropping.

@countrygirl99 FFS. BARKING ORDERS? And you’re the one doing all the work. It’s all about money, isn’t it?

Sibling 1 conducts any sibling meeting like a board meeting and talks over me.

My royal kick off this morning means younger brother is coming up for two days this evening. He’s coming up after finishing work at 11pm so he does grasp the importance. I hope his input will be more than sorting out out of date food!

He’s a more on it about this house not being suitable. In fact, he suggested a granny flat at his place. According to Sibling 1 that was great as ‘it would add value to his house’ Sibling 1 is the owner. Then the plan changed. 💰

I just want my mum to be safe. We all do TBH but some options are safer than others. And some options are better for Sibling 2 and I, unless of course Sibling 1 would like our mum to relocate to Europe and live in the granny flat that he and my sister in law have built for grannies aka her mum, who also lives in England and has been there for a month….

@ManchesterMonkey with goldenballs I think it's as more about a power trip. He was a bully as a kid and never grew out of it. 3 weeks ago he announced mum was going into a really crummy care home (it's the easiest one to get her in, never had a wait list for a reason). Whether DB2 and I like it or not. Since then he hasn't communicated with DB2 and I have him blocked so we've no idea whether he's actually done anything or whether he was just trying to get a reaction.

Oh Lord @countrygirl99 I remember you posting about that at the time.

Do you think he'll really have done it?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne he's going to find it difficult to organise from 5 hours away as mum never answers the phone so I think even if he meant it at the time he's unlikely to put in the required effort.

@countrygirl99 that’s appalling. So, he just rides roughshod over you and your brother? I doubt very much he’s going to be able to organise it without your help. And if you’ve got him blocked.

Who are the feck are these men? Sibling 1 has always been arrogant, but I actually always had him down as compassionate. Not seeing that side of him right now.

my mum has a well stocked drinks cabinet so making mojitos to cheer myself up.

@ManchesterMonkeyif your mum uses her money to build a granny flat at your brother’s house that could be seen as deprivation of assets ie giving money away when there’s a reasonable expectation she could need care in the near future.

I would try to get your younger brother to see that what your mum actually wants is a good, practical idea. Then it’s three of you - including the person whose life and money it actually is! - in agreement and DB1 will just have to get used to it happening.

@Choux thank you! Aha! Sibling 1 probably knows this, which is why he’s now ‘declined’ this option.

However, if we got legal advice on all the different options there’s a clear picture.

But the picture for my mum is a flat near us, and I want her to be happy, even though it will be some work for Mr Monkey and I. Thinking ahead…There’s stuff we are happy to share with carers: laundry, cleaning, organising online shopping, taking her shopping, taking her out, dropping round, checking on food and hydration, but I will draw the line at intimate care (which she doesn’t need) And the moment it gets too much for us that’s it, it’s far more input from a care company. Her living near us - which she’s already said “I would like to live near you, but is that too much of an imposition, tell me” - takes a lot of pressure off us from travelling here and we will have a life again. Sibling 2 is more caring and far less interested in £. Sibling 1 may have to lump it.

I cannot fault DB in terms of doing the heavy lifting for DM. He visits DM daily, genuinely cares about her.

The difficulty now is that DB has very entrenched views about medication. DM now spends a lot of her limited waking time in quiet distress, tearful but not loud. In the EOL pack is a medication which would help relax her. But DB doesnt want DM to be given any medication other than paracetamol.

CH staff are a bit cowed by DB. I have made it plain to DB that if I am asked I will agree to DM being given any or all of the medication in her EOL pack.

DB seems quite happy with this so I suspect it is a responsibility thing. If I agree to DM having her medication increased and DM then dies it will be my fault. This doesnt bother me. But I know DB is frightened that some nameless authority will hold him responsible.

@GnomeDePlume I'd talk to them and say that you're sure that your mother is distressed and you'd like her to have the midazolam.

You might find you would have to pay for the carers to do most of that .
" Provided , social carers " do not do shopping & cleaning . At least not in this area .

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne do you know how long midazolam can be given over please? DM is, I think, in her final days but not her final hours.

DB doesnt want DM to be given it yet. He is a total prevaricator. I have told the CH that I am happy for DM to be given any or all medication. Unfortunately DB is the person they see most.

@GnomeDePlume the guidance is generally up to a max of 4 weeks for terminal agitation/delirium. Generally via syringe driver, though injections can be used.

Levomeprazine may be used in conjunction with midazolam as an antisickness agent and for restlessness.

Haloperidol may also be an option (antipsychotic, also used in palliative care for delirium and terminal agitation).

Midazolam is generally better tolerated and with fewer risks of cardiac complications than haloperidol. Both haloperidol and levomeprazine prolong the QT interval, which carries risk of arrythmia and heart attacks. So actually if this is what DB is worried about, midazolam will be the safer option. The main issue with it is it's a benzo, so risk of dependence, so it can only be given short term.

God, that’s so tough. It’s EOL - proper pain relief is vital if needed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds unbelievably difficult.

Hi @GoldMoon that’s really useful to know.

Weirdly, in the county Mummy Monkey lives in the council funded carers will do light cleaning (no need as mum has a cleaner) and they will do shopping. It came as a complete surprise to me as I expected any care to consist of chucking medication at her from the front door and then scampering off.

Of course, it may be dreadful, but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

In Manchester, the council we found to be good and thorough for Mr Monkey’s DREADFUL mother. Obviously, she preferred to be a martyr and expected Mr Monkey to move in with her. Not sure where that left me in her plans. 😹 He didn’t move in, needless to say.

All of this learning I’m doing - thanks to everyone here - makes it clearer and clearer that elderly care really is a postcode lottery. Wholesale reform is needed.

The cavalry has arrived in the form of Sibling 2 who is much more sensible and LISTENS. Mummy Monkey is asleep (she’s always been nocturnal 🦇) and I’ve told him it’s about Mum’s safety and her wishes, not about what we as children want.

And, actually, I would be probably taking on more, like shopping, light touch support, but on my terms, and on my doorstep is manageable, not travelling here to Outer Mongolia,

But I’m not halting things like holidays, my career, my social life and interests, and I am not a de facto carer and I am NOT doing intimate care (which she doesn’t need)

That’s all ok so long as any support offered by Sibling 1 is not presented to me as fucking RESPITE care and we share equally admin. And when I need support I get it.

A day of sorting out beckons after I hammer out a report for a client. God bless Chat GPT at the moment.

And this place is a LIFE LINE. Like many of us, I didn’t anticipate weird family dynamics come into play. My dad would be turning in his grave, frankly. And who knew REBEL DAUGHTER would be sorting out planning?

@ManchesterMonkey

Perhaps other posters could tell us what state funded carers will do and perhaps the area if they feel comfortable . I'll go first . No shopping or housework . Essex .

It's not just a postcode lottery for councils. You'll often see posts saying Age UK do this that and the other but they don't where my mum lives. It's literally just a voicemail line. All they do is phone back.a few days later and send email links to information you've already found on their website. Totally different where ILs were where they did offer all the services, someone came round and helped them claim all the benefits they were entitled to and spoke to social services on his behalf when he wouldn't let them talk to us because I'd told them something he didn't want them to know when he was trying to manipulate family members.

No shopping or housework. Cambridgeshire. But that info is from golden balls and he lied about assisted living after dad died so may not be correct. Mum's care is self funded but provided via the council so we get reduced rates and no minimum daily charge.

@ManchesterMonkey It sounds like a move to Manchester would be perfect for your mum and far better for you. I would be worried about what help your brothers will be though- especially the one who lives overseas. I know you've said you'd want them to do more than just 'respite' but I think it would be wise to try to pin them down to exactly what they will do on an ongoing basis. Otherwise I think there's a real risk you'll want to go on holiday or away for work and they will be 'busy' or have a sudden important work meeting. I'm sure there will definitely be tasks that they can do remotely and regularly (eg. admin/organising online shopping etc) and maybe get them to agree that provided you give an agreed amount of notice of going away they must agree between themselves for one of them to do the things you usually do or they are responsible for finding someone external to do it if you can't.

So we had fun...

The hospital discharged ER. Nary a word to anyone in the family, we only found out when we called up to speak to her and was told she was gone. Thankfully they told her carers. The other fun is that, during this stay, they felt that she had capacity. Thankfully they didn't fill the form out to say so, but it's a potential spanner in the works as the only way she was able to go home after the last stay was after a finding she lacked capacity so couldn't fire her carers. We also have a CoP application in place, and really don't need that scuppered now.....

What I have experienced is that family dynamics have crystalised.

I have 2 DBs but seldom mention the 'other DB' because we arent in any sort of contact. No great falling out just no interest in each other. Sometimes I would ask after him via DM.

DB1 assumed the role of 'head of the family' when DF died 30+ years ago. I ignored his nonesense because it didnt matter. Now it is having an impact.

State funded carers in Swansea: Give medication, make breakfast, offer to help wash and dress (but DM declines), make bed, open curtains, empty commode, wash breakfast dishes and wipe over kitchen surfaces, and then similar in evening. They wouldn’t vacuum, put washing on or shop.

We pay max of £400 per month.

@GnomeDePlume I've noticed the same thing re family dynamics (and 'crystalised' seems to be the perfect word to describe it).

My brother has always acted (with our parents encouragement) as though he was somehow much cleverer than everyone else, but at the same time everything he has ever done is more noteworthy/takes more effort/requires more help etc than for everyone one else. I've always just got on with things and so have been treated as though anything I do is easy or 'fun'. For a very long time I have just ignored the talk of how amazing brother is, parents have congratulated/supported him and it has had little real impact on my life. Now that DF has passed and DM needs help, brother feels he knows best and has the right to dictate what happens and he and DM think I have an easy life and should run around after both of them.