Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Bloody hell - that level of heat can't possibly be good for her!

@Seeingadistance I certainly find it very uncomfortable. In the middle of winter I wear lightweight summer trousers and layers so I can strip down to a t-shirt. I still boil but mum will be sitting there in a thick cardigan with a rug on her lap.

I believe that the temperature regulating system in the brain gets effed up in many cases of dementia.
A lot of people seem to really feel cold, even in a normal ambient temperature.

When we had the record summer temperatures a few years ago, I went to stay with mum to make sure she stayed hydrated etc. Turns out keeping the house at tropical temperatures acclimatises the body, because she was absolutely fine and I was the one soaking my feet in buckets of ice while working on my laptop in a darkened room.

Thank you for the supportive comments last week, I really appreciated it.

My mum’s house has just gone on the market, the movers have been in for a consultation and we’ve visited the new place to measure everything.

I have to leave her for a couple of weeks but I’ll be back for her move. I have no idea how she’ll keep up with house viewings, she’s disorganised and doesn’t like checking emails and voicemails so I hope she’s not in bed in her pyjamas when the estate agent arrives.

Anyway, it’s all happening and so far none of her usual backtracking, she seems happy to go ahead so far.

Yes to the heating here too. I wondered if it was just something they can control and so won’t back down or accept changes.

Our Dad got obsessed with the heating in the sheltered accommodation and it became worrying when he kept trying to ‘fix’ the gas boiler. Also remember all the arguments about the immersion heater being on almost constantly in his house before he moved. That couldn’t possibly be the reason for the extortionate bills! Gas hadn’t been used for years but he was insistent that he keep paying the standing charge for gas.

DM now in some small, quiet, distress. I dont think she is in pain. More distress of the soul. Essentially a constant quiet whimper. DB says she has been like this for the last few days.

Help!

My mum - 81 - wants to move from her too large and isolated house in the middle of nowhere to a ground floor flat near us in Manchester.

She is increasingly unsafe here. This is her decision, in no way have I influenced her. She can also get a better standard of care through Manchester City Council.

I have put in place a personal alarm and I’m putting in place a light touch care package via her local authority who are pretty useless.

Although my brothers and I have Power of Attorney, my mum, although frail, is completely with it and cognitively fine.

She keeps saying what she wants. She’s asked me to get the house valued and find somewhere suitable.

One of my brothers is opposed to her leaving the house and moving to a flat.

My gut instinct is that this is about money for him, although he will claim she’s better in the house.

He’s been incredibly controlling - all decisions must be ‘joint’ but the decision, surely to god, lies with her. He lives in Europe, he’s not seeing the decline or giving the anywhere near the level of support me and Mr Monkey are giving. Lots of praise for me, but it feels manipulative.

if she moves to Manchester, we are nearby and although my partner and I aren’t willing or able to take on full care, we’re 10 mins walk and she can get care from the council.

My other brother is flaky and does what he’s bid, although I think he’s coming to the same conclusion as me. He lives two hours away,

She’s just not safe here.

After a series of falls, I’ve been here for a month, and likely to be another two weeks, to make sure she’s OK. I live 90 minutes away by public transport.

I’ve not been home for all of that time. I’m her de facto carer.

I’m self-employed, so I’m not working as much as I should be. My brothers must be finding it mighty convenient that I’m not employed,

She wants to sell this house, which is probably in the region of £320k. She would be able to buy a perfectly nice 2 bedroom flat near us for about £110k. She has no savings. Her income is the state pension and a tiny private pension.

Would the estate liable for inheritance tax on the figure of about 200k that’s the gap between the current house and a flat when she dies?

Can she gift money now out of the gap and how much?

I want to find a way to know what I’m on about it when my brother starts objecting to what she needs!

I couldn’t give a toss about the £. I want her to be safe.

Hi @ManchesterMonkey. Everyone else will be along shortly to tell you how annoying brothers can be. You sound like an amazing daughter to have been there that long. Hopefully I can help with a few practicalities.

Tell your brother that your mum wants to move because financially a small place is not affordable out of her small pensions. Add up the council tax, heating, other utilities etc and then estimate how much the 2 bed flat would be for bills. That’s likely to be a healthy saving. Plus show him a few UK news stories about inflation from the Iran war likely to hit the UK particularly hard plus pensioner poverty, cost of living crisis etc. She needs to future proof herself financially as much as she can. Plus a flat in a block with a lift or ground floor flat will be much more practical as she gets less mobile.

BUT…if she has had a series of falls recently and you have been there for 6 weeks do you think she will be able to live independently in the long term. There are costs involved in buying a flat and if she is likely to need to sell it and move into a care home soon as she isn’t safe to live alone that’s a lot of money and time wasted in getting her set up in a new home. Could she rent close to you in a place for over 55s?

If she needs care - either care visits or a care home - and has £200k+ in the bank from the house sale she will need to self fund the care she needs. She probably cannot gift you or your brothers money from the sale as the council would consider that deprivation of assets. But the inheritance tax allowance in the UK is £325k so if her estate (total value of any house she owns plus all cash in bank, investments etc) is worth less than that when she dies, it will not be taxed at all.

Just re reading your post @ManchesterMonkey and yes your mum can gift a little each year. She can gift £3,000 a year from her estate to whoever she likes without it being considered for IHT. In the first year she can use the previous year’s allowance as well so can gift £6k.

Info on Deprivation of Assets.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/#:~:text='Deprivation%20of%20assets'%20is%20when,assessment%20for%20care%20home%20fees.

Wishing you strength and sending a handhold. I hope there is attentive staffing despite the bank holiday weekend 💐

I agree that rather than buying a flat, you look at renting one in an over-55 facility or similar.

The advantages are not having to worry about maintenance or selling the place again when your mum eventually vacates the place. You save on the buying and selling fees as well as the maintenance. It will be set up for frail people in mind so lifts and rails etc in the common areas. Also much less likely to have anti social neighbours than in a normal flat. That may help with the awkward brother who I’m guessing will object to renting as being “dead money” instead of owning a property.

@ManchesterMonkey no inheritance tax is due on estates below £325,000. And that can increase to £500,000 if the main residence is left to children/grandchildren so it doesn't sound like you need to worry about inheritance tax. Deprivation of assets follows different rules and that you would have to be very careful about. If the gifting if cash is purely for inheritance tax purposes don't bother, it's very unlikely to be an issue.

I suspect the brother’s problem is:
if mum lives in an expensive house with no savings her care package will be paid for by the council. But if mum downsizes and has £200k cash in the bank, she will have to self fund that care package. The care package might cost £1,000 plus a month although getting attendance allowance would offset some of the cost.

Once mum needs live in care she would be self funding anyway with a £300k house only she lives in but ‘D’B will likely try to put that off as long as possible even if it means mum is unsafe at home alone for hours on end.

@ManchesterMonkey my parents gave only me PoA. If your mum is totally with it she could redo her PoA and give it solely to you. It might mean that you can better ensure she gets the care she needs although it might impact your future relationships with your brothers.

@ManchesterMonkey Generally speaking, the first £325,000 of an individual's estate is free of inheritance tax (the 'nil rate band'). Any gifts (other than certain exempt gifts, including the £3,000 per year mentioned by pp) within 7 years of death would be added to the value of the estate for inheritance tax purposes. However, there is also an additional £175,000 'residence nil rate band' available when an individual leaves their home to their 'direct descendents' when they pass. So it seems unlikely that your mum's estate would have any inheritance tax to pay.

Gifts don't result in inheritance tax to pay before death, and assuming she didn't somehow generate more assets (eg if the flat increases in value) based on the above re nil rate bands I don't think gifts from the £200k would result in inheritance tax to pay on her death.

The thing to watch for is what would happen if your mum needed paid care and had given away money. If she has enough saved (from the £200k) to pay for what she needs this isn't an issue. But if the local authority have to pay towards her care (usually if she has savings below £23,500) they can look at whether there has been 'deprevation of assets'. This is where someone has 'intentionally' given away assets to avoid paying for care. The problem, from what I have read. about this is that regardless of whether your mum actually had avoiding care fees in her mind when she made the gifts, the local authority seem to be able to argue that this has happened if needing future care seemed likely when the gift was made. Since you mum would be gifting the money when she has already had falls and her health is declining from what I've read it sounds quite likely that they could make this claim. If this happens, the local authority could refuse/reduce funding and the family would have to pay (or care for her themselves) if she can't afford it.

From what you've said, I'd be wary of the future implications for you if your mum gave away significant sums. It sounds like if she did need paid care and the local authority refused funding on these grounds your brothers may well expect you to act as her carer.

I'd say it would be better for her to keep the money as savings so she can self fund any care she might go on to need- from what lots of people on this thread have said this gives her far more choice about what care she receives and when she decides she wants it.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it.

Yes, reading replies in the cold light of day it’s as ever about my brother and money. He’s LOADED. His wife, much as I like her, is the kind of woman who would never buy a round of drinks. I’m skint and ageing in a sector that is ageist as fuck.

But I’d rather see my mum safe. He simply doesn’t want that money released from the house.

However, I’m not willing to sacrifice my mum’s safety. Frankly, if something bad happens it will be me and my partner supporting her recovery from something like a broken wrist or worse.

All three of we siblings have Power of Attorney on health, and I think money, although I strongly suspect my (stupidly optimistic late father) would have made my brother who’s the block on a possible move the attorney as he is a ‘high flier’ (FFS)

I have my health documents kept safely. Youngest brother has lost his and seems unable to contact the Office of Attorney to get a copy. Grasping brother DID find his, but was ‘unbothered’ about dropping it off with my mum’s GP when he was last here. So, boys, just leave the health stuff to me. There is a refusal to be responsible for any aspect of care and well-being, just leaving it to me.

And not one phone call to my mum this weekend. They really are a pair of selfish pricks.

I never thought my brothers would behave like this.

Trying to work out the best course of action.

And I bet there is an assumption by my brother blocking my mum’s wishes that I will be leaving my estate to his three daughters. I will be investigating legacy giving to the Cat’s Protection League in the morning. 😹

Is it useless brothers weekend? Not elderly related but my DB is staying at my little holiday chalet this weekend with his kids from his first marriage. I spent Saturday morning doing changeover and left the last of the laundry (some towels) drying on the line for them. Did he bring them in? No. Did it rain? Of course it did. Did he think they were hung up for decoration? Errr, I didn’t say anything about them with my other instructions (how the boiler works and where the bus stop is etc) so he left them alone. FFS.

@ManchesterMonkey Is there a reason why your brother doesn't want money released from your mum's house? I think we've established it's unlikely to make a difference for inheritance tax. Is it because if it's cash savings she would need to use it if she needs to pay for care, whereas if all her asset value is tied up in the house only her cash savings will count? Or is he worried that she'll be spending it on other things and there will be less to inherit?
If the former, he does have a point but if she's relying on care to be paid for by social services it will only be for the care that they decide she needs when she needs it. This may well be less than she might want (or not in the way she wants and with limited choice about who provides it). If she has her own savings to pay for care there is much more choice. I assume he's expecting that if she wants more care than social services will pay for, you will be the one that provides it free of charge.

The good thing is that as your mum has capacity, even if the brothers have LPA, what she says goes and she doesn't need their approval. It sounds like her living closer to you, and having some cash available for us as she sees fit, would be far better for her wellbeing and make it much easier for you and your partner to support her. I'd just be careful that the brothers don't try to get her to hand over 'their share' of the cash which might make things difficult if she ever did need help with the cost of care.

To be honest, in some families (mine) every weekend is 'useless brothers weekend'!

Useless brothers weekend every weekend from March to October here. He has a caravan in a location where his phone doesn’t work. The same phone he switches off at night. It’s just taken for granted that I’m around to pick up the pieces.

Ah, if I had to deal with mine every weekend that would indeed be the case, but he spends much of his working life off-shore. I’m the default DM-wrangler like everyone else on here - which publicly is because poor suffering DB is doing his best to earn money to support his ever expanding roster of children. And privately because “you’re better at that kind of thing funnel”.

To give him some credit, he’s very good at the hands on caring of mum and dealt with code browns without letting on until I had to also deal with them. He’s just like so many of the men I read about in the relationships boards - where he gets it from I don’t know because our own dad wasn’t like that at all.

@funnelfan I believe every day to be the saint day of St Useless Brother.

Although I’m increasingly realising that my awkward brother is able to flip from Exceedingly Useless to Exceedingly Competent Senior Executive In A Multi-National depending on the task in hand.

For example, when he flew over from Europe the other weekend whilst I was in Scotland on another family mission (partner’s nephew and mental health crisis) he emptied and sorted out the kitchen cupboards and chucked out of date tins away.

Obviously, with an 80 year old frail mother this is a priority.

@bigdogpaws a house sale would release money for savings as has no savings as she blew it all her annuity (good luck to her, I say, but she’s been great at earning money, but utterly shit as administering it as my dad did that)

She’d have to pay for local authority care, but she actually doesn’t need that much (a hair wash and a shower once a week, probably, or buy in private care. I think it’s simply about money with Sibling 1.

And definitely a view that I can provide care free of charge or at least supervise it HERE (miles from anywhere, my home, work, friends, social life, my lovely elderly neighbours who I help with a coffee and laughs, and my PARTNER)

My brother very kindly offered himself as ‘respite care’.

Fuck that shit.

I’m cool with the fact that if my mum lived round the corner - we’d be popping in, but it’s a damn sight more convenient than here - and she likes doing much of what we like: theatre, cinema, heritage, and lots of meals out.

Through our friends who have older parents, our older friends who she really likes, and my partner’s lovely bit of his family she would very quickly build up an independent network. My best pal adores her.

My partner has working class roots, our neighbourhood isn’t as leafy as here and my brother is a fully fledged snob. For example, we both did Oxbridge, but although he lives in a country with incredible higher education (top 50 universities ) he thinks his three daughters (bilingual) should study at Oxbridge. All of it is inevitably about him. Plus weird power dynamic of him renting out his English house to our youngest flake of a brother.

@ManchesterMonkey what would your brother do if you said you were moving back home in 7 days he needs to sort out care?

@countrygirl99

I can’t stay beyond the end of next week, as I will have been here for six weeks.

I am planning to go home on Saturday.

I have counselling on Monday 11 May, which is a direct result of this BS. And an eye hospital appointment on Thursday 14 May.

The council funded care company are supposed to ring and come round this week. I’m going to email the social worker today to chase and copy those two DOLTS in.

There’s going to be a serious conversation about taking stuff on. Some basic admin like GOOGLING support isn’t beyond the wit of two grown men living in places where there IS the internet.

My mum has now put on 5lbs and is over 7 stone, but still very thin. This is a consequence of me being a feeder and cooking tons of good food for the freezer.

Euro Brother had the audacity to call me FUCKING FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE the other day in a WhatsApp.