Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@Foodfumbles welcome and sympathy.

She wont accept outside carers so I’m doing all the things my brother can’t / won’t e.g. having to help her with toileting and then emptying the commode etc

This bit leapt out to me - both your mother and brother get to “won’t” do something. You’re allowed to say you won’t do it any more too.

Many people on this thread draw the line at providing intimate and toileting care for their elderly parents. And as your mum declines, the likelihood is that she’ll need carers who are trained in proper lifting techniques, equipment etc to handle her. Far, far better to get used to it now so each additional need can be incorporated without too much adjustment.

One of the things I realised when my mum moved into residential care was that she was actually getting much higher quality care than I could provide - the staff are trained, used to dealing with residents with the same needs as my mum and know what to watch out for, and they have all the specialist equipment. I cringe now when I remember the last attempt to help mum have a bath.

Great response @funnelfan. Please read it very carefully @Foodfumbles. Do you live close enough that you can go round multiple times a day to help dress and toilet her? How long ago was she diagnosed? Is she declining rapidly?

What will happen if you or one of your children are ill? Want to go on holiday? Need to do overtime at work? Etc etc. Professional carers work as a team so cover each other and always available. Perhaps you should book a day out for your children or be ill suddenly so you need your brother to step in and see what happens.

Hi @Foodfumbles what happens if your mother needs the loo in the middle of the night?

It's a sad fact that her care needs will increase as she gets more disabled.

It's also unfortunate that women of your age frequently become very stressed and ill themselves when they look after an elderly parent/work full-time/look after their children.

All simultaneously.

You're ensuring that your own life expectancy gets reduced, by trying to do all this.

Adding in the sad fact that you've disclosed an abusive childhood, and it's a perfect storm.

Tell them you cannot do it. Literally can't.

Don't offer to find carers, either. Let your brother do that.

He'll soon be researching care homes when he finds that his life is being taken over by admin and endless phone calls, all day and all night.

She can do it herself, but what takes me 5 minutes to do for her takes her 45+. On the days I have to go to work, I can’t do it for her so she does it (and then later tells me how long it took her).

I wasn’t in the good books tonight as she told me her hip was hurting and I didn’t respond quick enough so her words were ‘I may as well be invisible to you.’

You have to be prepared to ignore the passive-aggressive manipulation as much as possible @Foodfumbles. If it works on you, then she and your DB will ramp it up.

But DOES it really take only 5 minutes of your time? This is something my DM and B often claim- If DM tries to do something it will take her a long time, B is far too busy to do it, I am the only one who knows how to do it etc and it is magically only a 5 min job if I do it. What they conveniently forget is the 3-4 hour round trip to get to them to do the task, the hour or so getting DM to the stage where she feels ready for the task, at least an hour of 'whilst you're here' tasks and for many things they want me to do there is a lot of 'behind the scenes' work setting things up/following up etc. So the 5 min task invariably takes up a full day of my time. Even if I lived closer it would be half a day.

It sounds like they are treating your time as worthless. They want you 'on call' to do tasks exactly when they want them done rather than taking a little more of their own time to do them or paying for a professional. If your DM is capable of doing some of the tasks on her own, why does it matter if it takes her longer? What else is she planning to do with that time?

I know there's no easy answer though. I have taken a big step back from my DM and B as they refuse to consider proper care options (for now or in future) and today's list of reasons why I am a bad person include:

• Failing to remind B of an appointment DM has this week that he said he wanted to be at and arranged the time for. DM wants us both there and the HCP has said we don't both need to go if we are busy, but apparently I should have thought to check last week whether the time was still suitable for B and tried to rearrange if not.
• Failing to remind B to collect DM's latest prescription, failing to check that it had been collected and failing to drive over this morning to collect it instead. For context, I had previously arranged a delivery service but they cancelled it. They live 10mins from the allocated pharmacy and B is off work this afternoon.
• Arranging a 2 week family holiday for the summer (they became aware of this in the context of my availability to take her to a dental appointment). Apparently this is too long, and in any case I should have waited until closer to the time when I would know better what DM might need. It is also remiss of me to book this for school holidays as B might need childcare help (I have told him multiple times that I won't be his holiday child care and as DH and I both work in education we can't take other holidays).
• Spending some of our Easter holiday decorating rooms in our house. If we have time for this we have time to help them more. If we were going to redecorate, we should have been renovating to make it easier to have DM staying with us (a downstairs shower room has been mentioned).

It's OK though, B is willing to look past this as he knows it is all the influence of DH and MIL (no idea how she has been dragged in to the discussion!). My boundaries are remaining up and I have to keep reminding myself that I knew there would be push back as they start to realise that I won't go running in to be a full time carer and they really will need to consider other options.

If your DM is capable of doing some of the tasks on her own, why does it matter if it takes her longer? What else is she planning to do with that time?

I wondered exactly the same thing @Foodfumbles

Also, it's not like you're already at the house every time your mother needs help. You've got to get there and back as well, so your five minutes ends up lasting a lot longer than your DM's forty-five minutes.

@bigdogpaws your B sounds like one of mine. Mum shouldn't need carers or cleaners because I should do all that including making sure she takes her morning and evening meds. I live an hour away. I shouldn't have hobbies or holidays because they detract from my availability should mum have an emergency and I should be available at the drop of a hat every time. But it's ok for B to move 5 hours away, he's entitled to live his life. Mum lives where she does because they moved to be near B and because he was close they gave him sole POA. He thinks that means he can tell me what to do. I went NC with him a few months ago and am sticking to my boundaries.

@countrygirl99 Your B does sound very similar to mine. In our case, B lived with our parents until his 40s and chose to stay close by for access to free childcare etc. I moved away in my teens and in fact now live closer than I have in decades (by coincidence as I moved for work). B's argument is that it is my choice to live further away so if I have a long journey to do a 5 min job that's down to my poor choices. Whereas his decision to have a child later in life when his parents already had chronic illnesses etc is 'not his fault' and he believes that since I work term time only (mainly) and no longer have school age children I should step in to provide the free childcare that DM would have provided if she was younger/fitter (NB. Not the help I received, which was absolute emergencies only as we were 'too far away'). This odd battle over childcare has been going on since Dad first became seriously ill and I have always made my position very clear but B still acts like it's a surprise in the run up to every holiday. I have cut direct contact with B (after months of aggressive messages and increasingly threatening behaviour whenever we met face to face) unless I have another adult (not mum) present. So now I receive daily updates from Mum. The most recent update today about 'the silly business of that holiday' is that DM and B don't object to me going away in the Summer holidays as such, but I should have consulted them first because we could have all gone together for at least 1 week. Obviously it would have to be a UK holiday because DM and B don't want to fly and B's DP doesn't like hot places, we'd need somewhere large enough for all of us in one building, or very close by, to make it easier to share the childcare and of course plenty of activities for B's child. Apparently they had been discussing a Haven site. Which is all well and good and we had plenty of Haven style holidays when our DC were very small. But travelling with our 2 x young adults we want to spend our time and money on a different sort of holiday- with the freedom to spend long days sight seeing, go out for the evenings (or not if we don't want to) and generally do as we please without being tied to looking after a young child. My response that 'I am in my 50s and don't have to consult anyone' is a very selfish attitude. I don't really blame DM now (although she's always been rather disappointed that I haven't wanted to include B in my family holidays etc), as I know she's not really thinking properly but just repeating what B is telling her.

My B was closed to my parents when his DC were young and relied on them a lot for childcare. I paid for childcare.

@bigdogpaws I remember when you said about B cancelling the prescription delivery service, and quelle surprise when it becomes a problem - as it was always going to be - it’s yours. I mean some of these decisions are insane. What possible reason did he/they have for doing this in the first place?

@rookiemere He cancelled the prescription delivery when he first took mum to stay with him (in the same town) for a while. I offered to change the address instead but he claimed it was 'too much fuss'. I suspect the real reason is that the pharmacy is linked to the GP surgery and does their own deliveries. He hasn't us to use his address for her on anything vaguely official or medical- I suspect because he fears that someone may visit and realise how entirely unsuitable the situation is and/or try to contact him instead of me about appointments etc. I think there was definitely also at least an element of expecting that I would feel obliged to take responsibility for collecting the medicine for her. He really does enjoy feeling he has some level of control over me (I'm sure this is why he always seems to be unsure whether he can make appointments until the 11th hour/changes his mind about whether he's going etc). It's exhausting and really not helpful to mum either

Apologies, looking for any experience/knowledge.

DM has a very distended belly. Not in pain from it unless it is pressed. No bowel blockage noted. She does have kidney failure. She was on diuretics but GP stopped those when she was moved onto EOL care.

GP has been contacted but as usual is conspicuous only by his absence.

I’d call 111 @GnomeDePlume I have generally found them very helpful at out of hours signposting / getting someone out, whatever.

@ElderlyDilemmas DM is in a carehome, contact with GP is supposed to be via CH nurse. Nurse from GP has been out but so far no follow up.

We dont want DM to shunted off to hospital for, well, anything. It would be too distressing for her.

It sounds like it might be ascites @GnomeDePlume. There is a section here. If her diuretics have been stopped and her kidneys are failing she might not be processing much urine so the fluid is collecting. Are her legs also swollen? My dad’s were when he was dying of heart and kidney failure.

The fluid can be drained off but, if it’s ascites, it will likely re accumulate if the kidneys are failing. I am not sure what is appropriate when someone is EOL but her GP and the CH should be advising you.

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/professionals/palliative-care-knowledge-zone/oedema-lymphoedema-ascites

Is it worth restarting the water tablets? Might require a catheter though. Difficult to find the balance at EoL. Thinking of you @GnomeDePlume

It does sound like ascites, Gnome.
That would be secondary to your mother's kidney failure.

Is the syringe driver in situ yet?

Are you able to advocate for its insertion, if not? At this stage, management of distress is essential.
This includes distress caused by pain or worsening symptoms.

I'm sorry @GnomeDePlume I wasn't sure whether she was in a CH. Sending

Thank you all ascites looks like a good call. No other swelling except abdomen.

DM isnt in any distress at the moment. She was a couple of weeks ago but at the moment she is sleeping for around 90-95% of the time. DM is pretty immobile now, she has an air mattress which stops bed sores.

GP has been contacted and sent a nurse out who pressed DM's stomach (which was uncomfortable for DM) but didnt venture an opinion. GP was expected to call back but hasnt so far.

No worries @ElderlyDilemmas it was a good suggestion.

CH got a call back from the GP, advice was to be 'careful' with what DM eats or drinks. Whatever the hell that means, CH nurse none the wiser and annoyed with GP. GP is ordering blood tests to be run.

This is just prevarication by the GP who is, in my opinion, chronically lazy. The CH gives the GP a set of patients who he doesnt actually do anything for, leaving everything to CH nurses or carers. If a doctor is actually needed he farts around until the OOH service takes over.

DM was put on palliative then EOL care without the GP seeing her in person.

This is the problem of a CH being tied to a particular GP. If there is a problem with the GP, the residents arent allowed to register with a different practice.

@GnomeDePlume That sounds utterly unreasonable and you have to feel for the CH nurse who sounds to be trying to keep your DM comfortable. You would think at the very least they'd advise on exactly what food she should have/avoid etc. It sounds like your DM is at least free of distress so hopefully that will continue.

Delurking to send hugs and specially to @GnomeDePlume and @Foodfumbles . Today I am taking time to do my hair and make up not like yesterday when I ran out the door looking like a madwoman.

I applied for Council funding for DER in November, and a move to nursing care. Since February the Social Worker has been promising "updates". It's 15th April and no decision yet.
Come on though, let's put our brave faces on and sparkle.

I need to give a shout out to our GP surgery. DH is poorly, thought he was getting a cold but by yesterday afternoon I reckoned it's a chest infection. He called the GP late afternoon who said come in for 8am and we'll get you seen. Arrived in the carpark a few minutes before 8. They phoned to check he was ok to come in and when he said he was in the carpark they opened up to let him. If only mum's surgery actually answered the phone/responded to messages!

A shout out to my GP practice too. I’m trying to get DMs Denosumab jab by the district nurses rather than a two hour round trip to hospital. I’m not capable of of getting her into the car at the moment and they are there twice a week dressing her leg. What an administrative pile of poo. It’s not possible for some reason but at least the GP is trying and rang me for a long chat about DM. Seems I’ll need to involve the ambulance service.

Or dump it on DB.

@GnomeDePlume and everyone else who needs one ☕