Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne thank you so much for asking. It’s going well, it’s nice to have a bit of purpose and structure again as well as earning some money, and I walk in 2 days and cycle the other. I am really enjoying just being one of the team as I’ve always had professional roles before. It was tough going over the period when we moved DPs into the care home, but now I am glad I persevered.

Plumped cushions 💐 🫖 ☕️ 🍰 in welcome to those new to and returning to the cafe. Many thanks to the wonderful regulars who share their wise words, which are such a help. Maybe we need a motto ‘I am not responsible for other people’s happiness’ or ‘I have limits’.

@Sortingmyself I wanted to check in on you as I recognise that moment - when you suddenly realise the slow creep has become zero time when you are not ‘needed’ by someone and you just need to step back for your sanity. Then you get guilt tripped for doing so.

DH is being guilt tripped by DFIL over not visiting this Easter but DH had his hands full supporting me with our Dad’s funeral arrangements. DFIL is lovely and amazingly independent despite many health challenges, maybe he’s feeling his mortality a bit. I actually want to visit DFIL and have suggested we plan a longer visit but DH has very strong boundaries so he won’t reward the guilt trip with attention!

@FiniteSagacity it is sad when even those elderly people without dementia become demanding and unreasonable.

I had a phone call with one of DMs old friends yesterday, more of a family friend really, a lovely lady who is late 80s and living on her own. She was really angry with me because I hadn’t updated that DPs had gone into a care home. She is right and I should have let her know but the period leading up to it was frenetic and still ploughing through a lot of paperwork and visiting and other stuff, plus trying to catch a breath and actually live a normal life.

She was telling me how lonely she is ( never married no DCs) because one of her neighbours has moved away and said I needed to phone more often. I will do my best, and I think I am going to research any Age Concern support in her area, but the thing that shocked me was her total lack of interest for me or understanding of how much I have on my plate and how hard the last few months have been. I didn’t labour on it, but I did allude to it being a difficult period. Thankfully she lives far away or I could feel myself being sucked into the vortex of another elderly persons needs.

Unfortunately, I think it’s just a side effect of extreme old age where the need to survive overwhelms any other concerns.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity that's kind of you. I'm sorry to hear about your DF 💐
Saw the parents today, as I usually do and it was 'business as usual'. No further comments other than I should stay longer as 'I'd only just got there' and 'I'd only been there for 5 minutes' 😬🙄 I just ignored and said 'see you in the week' but I think I might give myself a few days off and pop in and see them next Saturday and miss my usual 2nd visit on Wednesday. Just because I'm so tired of it all.
As I've heard so many times, I need my own oxygen mask first...😁

@rookiemere oof - the risk of getting sucked in! - the saddest part is that the negativity means you’re less likely to call or visit where there’s no obligation!

@Sortingmyself glad you’re thinking of what you are willing to do. Often ‘it’s a marathon, not a sprint’ so we need to spend our energy judiciously.

I'm completely lost as my dear dad died yesterday.

Everything happened so quickly. At 11am he was settled and I was heading to London for an event, by 1.30pm his breathing had changed and I phoned my sister overseas to suggest she travelled home and at 3.30pm he died.

Almost 20 years with Parkinson's and he celebrated his birthday only one month ago.

I'm very sorry for your loss @WhatHaveIFound.

@WhatHaveIFound I'm so very sorry to hear that your dear father has died.

Condolences @WhatHaveIFound

I’m so sorry @WhatHaveIFound 💐

Every single word you have written here @Sortingmyself resonates. Hope you are ok.

So sorry for your loss @WhatHaveIFound

I am sorry for your loss @WhatHaveIFound.

@WhatHaveIFound oh I'm sorry. It's always hard on the people left behind when it's such a shock. Give yourself a bit of space if you can, in similar circumstances I found I would just forget stuff and my decision making was dire for a few days.

May I please join this thread.

Two widowed elderly parents. Sole carer for DM for nearly a decade. She has advanced Parkinson’s and mixed dementia. She’s just gone in a residential home, but I’m still reeling from years of her living very close by, and me being the go to for every single request and crisis, and my only sibling lives abroad.

All other family members close by fully distanced themselves since my DM got sick (they see her about 1-2 hours every two years or so, despite living in the same town).

I have very young children, work full time, perimenopause, and my own chronic health issues.

MIL has recently gone into permanent residential care. She has Alzheimer’s. DH is an only child. So we deal with all the crises and life admin for them both, and have done for almost a decade, and we are knackered/spent.
DM mid seventies and MIL early eighties. We don’t know anyone else our age that has been dealing with this so long from such an early age. The thought of another decade of this is so overwhelming.

@WhatHaveIFound sorry for your loss.

@user555999000 I feel your pain. We are in year 12. Only DM left now but we had 4 to deal with at one stage. I have a horrible feeling DM will go on for years, she has Alzheimer's but physically is ok.

@user555999000 you are very welcome here - help yourself to something stronger from the top shelf and pop in for a vent when you need it. Being in the sandwich generation with children, parents, perimenopause and other health challenges sucks 🍷

I’m sure you and DH have had a lot to deal with during the time both have gone in to care and I hope they are in places that can lift the burden. Sending strength for all those conversations focussed on the person in care that completely ignore you are a person too.

@countrygirl99thank you for your kind words. 4 is A LOT. I’m glad you have slightly less load on you now.

Both our fathers went early and quickly (think months). I now see this as a gift as they were both fully happy and independent and themselves up to death. I feel I should be more grateful that their care needs were minimal and for such a short period of time. However their loss meant both mothers looked to us overnight to be replacement spouses.

Year 12. I’m sorry. That’s so hard. Alzheimer’s is the most dreadful disease. The long goodbye.

Care home called my DH last week to pressurise for antibiotics for MIL’s chest infection despite it saying no antibiotics on her forms.
He gave in out of guilt. What is the point in these advance decisions if doctors just continue to pressure the carers.

We trudge on.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity🌸

I am thank you. Sorry you've experienced similar/same.
Some days are harder than others aren't they!

That sounds a lot like my DM. She always liked to be 'involved' and regardless of the occasion would turn up to any gathering early to 'help set up' and would be the last to leave. She loved to step in an help if she though any friends or neighbours needed it. I know she really did mean to be helpful and caring but too often either her help was unwanted or she was taken advantage of. She would often get quite cross if she thought someone wasn't as deserving of her help as she'd thought or not sufficiently grateful (even when they clearly hadn't wanted help).
I think if DM's younger self could see how she is now, she'd be asking why there isn't a group of housewives/healthy retirees arranging a rota for visiting her/helping with her housework/taking her meals etc. I don't think she can understand that the people she knew who would have done this are now elderly themselves and their daughters are busy juggling work, teenagers and often care for their own elderly parents. I think she and B are expecting that if they can keep her at home these people will appear.
PP mentioned about wanting to 'go home' really meaning 'go home and be well again'. For my DM I think wanting to 'stay in my own home' really means wanting to be in familiar surroundings with constant company/care from friends and family. My own view is that realistically the closest we can get to this would be a care home that can become familiar, where she can get to know the carers/other patients and she will always have someone to chat to whilst she wants to and is able.

I posted this in the stately homes thread too and this one was suggested to me.

Not really sure where to start. Brought up in a family where appearance was everything, anything that happened at home stayed at home eg. Parents arguing etc was not to be discussed out of the house. I was always too fat for my mum and I have tons of food issues thanks to how I was brought up around food. Self esteem issues. Told I would be pretty under the fat etc. I am the oldest and my brother younger, is like the golden boy. Before my mum’s health declined she would do everything for him.
She’s now been diagnosed with a life limiting illness that will affect her till she dies. She’s already unable to drive, go anywhere without support, needs help with her toileting and getting dressed etc.
I have found it really hard to care for her - the emotional toll as-well as the physical one of balancing her care with caring for my own children and working etc.
When I tried to tell my mum and brother this, I was called vile and selfish by my brother and my mum cried saying not once have I sent her suggestions on things she can do with her condition. (She’s been seeing the specialist every 3 months, I thought that’s what they were doing as I know nothing about the condition). She wont accept outside carers so I’m doing all the things my brother can’t / won’t e.g. having to help her with toileting and then emptying the commode etc. I don’t see how I can carry on doing this day in, day out for years.
I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees, trying to be everything to everyone and burning out, while also feeling so much resentment towards how I was treated growing up in terms of food/appearance etc. My self-esteem is still rock bottom at almost 40.

I think we are living too long. There are so many things in place which are perpetuating DM's existence (I cant call it life).

@Foodfumbles you will find a lot of talk on this thread about resentment and guilt. You can never be totally free of either of them, much less both.

All you can do is decide which is the one you can live with the most easily. Only you can decide this.

What you can do is say to your DM that you can no longer do personal care. That outside carers need to come in or she needs to move to residential care.

IMO this is a specialist skill. As your DM declines she is going to need people who know how to lift and move her safely.

Our DPs decline does bring memories, history to the fore. It doesnt sound like any of this was happy for you.