Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Hi. Don't really post on this thread much, but has anyone on here any experience of applying for/being granted/turned down for CHC in a nursing home where the dementia is becoming advanced? I mean things like two-person assistance to get to bed, shower, get dressed, double incontinence, risk of falls and limited mobility, deafness and failure to communicate (though still speaking a little), no interest in food and needs prompting to eat anything, almost complete memory loss, extreme frailty, very low body weight. (5 stone at this point.) Is it a complete waste of time - do applicants need to be bedbound. spoonfed etc?

Just called in to see DM to make her lunch. and apparently DB is not speaking to me because I criticised him on the phone (I did not despite him beingcrap at providing support. I did raise my voice to him in frustration at him expecting me to do everything). It is all my fault according to her. I feel absolutely shit after all I’ve done, it’s nice to be appreciated.

My 93 year old mum got turned down a few weeks ago mainly as she has no ‘primary illness’. Dementia is not a primary illness. My mum was graded as having the highest needs possible on cognition and communication, the second highest on mobility, she is doubly incontinent, 5 st 10, has had two falls in the last month but still feeds herself. She doesn’t qualify.

You should get the assessment but don’t get your hopes up.

Thanks @Choux. That was my understanding too - that govt are tight as a duck's ass when it comes to granting this - but I input her details into an AI program and she was scored quite highly, and it said that such cases can be successful on appeal. Are you going to?

Also my understanding though CH were able to access some funding for incontinence pads.

@Sortingmyself- that’s the frustration isn’t it, you do so much and the one time you put yourself first it feels likely it’s all forgotten. It’s like having toddlers except they grow up and generally become self sufficient.

@SweetChilliGirl I can only echo what everyone else is saying. Managing carers for elderly people in their own home is basically running two households and being the first point of contact and escalation for the carers, plus every fall etc. becomes an emergency with nobody on the ground to take control NB that would be you that would have to do it. DF had a few episodes of delirium along with more slow developing dementia and DH and I think a lot of it was because he wasn’t eating and drinking properly as he wouldn’t let the carers do their job.

What do you think of the care home? If you think it’s ok and there’s no genuine cause for complaint, I would keep her there for now. If her physical state is due to improve, then perhaps you could review again if that happens.

Thank you all - you are all talking absolute sense. The problem is though, now she has capacity again (she didn't for a while) I can't make her stay somewhere she doesn't want to be

@SweetChilliGirl, you can't make her stay but if you don't help her and refuse to engage with any attempt to suck you in and make it your problem then in all likelihood it will be complex beyond her ability to get herself home. She will probably give your details out as someone to contact, you can just say that you don't believe it's in her best interests to go back home and therefore you will not be doing anything to enable that.

Good advice. Thank you.

@SweetChilliGirl she is of sound mind, you say. So if she truly thinks it's the best thing for her to go home nobody can stop her.
I suspect it's "just talk", like when we say, "I want to kill so and so". It's a way of expressing her (quite understandable) disgruntlement at her current situation.

If she gets a care company to assess her needs and arranges a contract, sorts out a taxi home, rings the GP surgery and books DN appointments to change the catheter, maybe she really meant it.

Otherwise, either she didn't mean it that much, or she would struggle once home.

You can sympathise with her without saying you think it's in any way a good idea!
Even if she did get herself home, IME what care in your own home looks like has its downsides. I would not blame you if you reminded her of them...

Live in carer - what if you don't get on? House share with (initially) a stranger.
Carers coming in? Timings are off, rotas wonky, why is Michael doing a breakfast or bedtime slot when I only want personal care from women?
Endless microwave meals. Sweet but gormless youngsters who can literally not even boil an egg. Food in fridge not being thrown out in a timely manner. And at night, you're on your own. And you have to do online shopping, sort a cleaner to come in, fix the house.

Care homes ain't perfect but you get cooked meals and get to see people who aren't your carers, and usually they have regular GP visits so you can get seen rather than phoned.

As you may realise I have considerable sympathy with your situation ♥️

@BestIsWest sorry wrong B, @bigdogpaws that was for you. Whoops

My DM frequently reminds me that no one can force her to do anything she doesn't want to and all decisions are hers to make. Which of course is true whilst she has capacity. What's difficult to get our elderly relatives to understand is that we also have the right to make our own decisions and not be forced to do things we don't want to. Unfortunately too often there's an expectation that a younger relative will forgo what they want to do in order to facilitate their elderly relative's choices. It's a tough one.

@bigdogpaws and that younger relative should not be castigated, accused of being selfish, for not breaking their own back to facilitate the elderly person's decisions.

I often find myself wondering what DM would want if she could see herself now. Doubly incontinent, sleeping 95% of the time, unable to feed herself, not knowing what is going on.

And the answer is I dont know.

DM always suffered terribly with FOMO. She would stay until the lights went on at the end of a party, long outstaying her welcome. Helping to clear up when that help wasnt wanted. Some of it was a need to be useful, to be seen as helpful, to sing for her supper.

Poor mum, she got it wrong so often. She would be overhelpful, some people would take advantage. Then she would fall out with them for not appreciating her enough. It was a repeated theme.

Is her still keeping going now FOMO?

We are back from our holiday and straight into MIL guilt tripping DH. She's just sitting around waiting for him to visit and not engaging in anything in the care home. DH is now contemplating whether she should come out and go back to her flat with more care in place as she is seemingly getting no benefit from the care home. The idea absolutely horrifies me to be honest.

So she’s willing to cut her nose off to spite her face? she could be enjoying herself there but is being miserable to guilt trip your DH.

Do you think she will be any less miserable home alone in between carer visits? No she will still be waiting for your DH to visit and if she’s home you will also have all the stress of organising her carers, shopping, bills etc.

Someone wrote on this thread just yesterday that what elderly people want isn’t really to go home. It’s to go home AND BE WELL AGAIN. Which is an impossible ask so they will be unhappy wherever they are. She is safest and has best social options where she is in the care home.

@StillNiceCardigan well if your husband wants to facilitate his mother's return to her home, he can do all the arranging, can't he.

You just step right back. So do nothing at all to help.

Or would he agree to telling her "sure, you can go home, mum" - and leaving her to arrange it?

I agree completely @Choux she was miserable in her flat and now she's miserable in the care home. At least she's safe now. DH feels guilty about the fact that she's in there and worries about doing the best thing with her money. Sod that! The past couple of years have been awful and i'm glad not to be responsible for her wellbeing. FIL is in the care home too so the amount of money they are spending is huge but FIL is quite ill now so there's no guilt about him.

Knowing DH @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne he'll just torment himself with guilt but not actually do anything. I've said talk to the care home about her actual needs and involve BIL who doesn't care either way so long as he doesn't have to do anything.

Ah well, there's your solution.
You're right, it's been a nightmare for you for two years of misery.

At least your ILs are safe where they are now.
You must be exhausted.

Can your DH pinpoint what exactly he feels guilty about? That may help him deal with it better. Eg his mums happiness is not and has never been his responsibility. He has ensured her safety and wellbeing by making sure she has the best care solution. The home has all the trained staff and equipment to deal with his parents’ needs, far better than he would ever be able to do if he lived with her 24 hours a day.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneis right. It’s not just about the elderly person. Their wants and needs are obviously important but it has to be sustainable for those providing the support and it sounds like the move is the right one in the circumstances.

Wise words.

Thanks for the support. DH has told MIL he won't see her till Sunday (hence the guilt tripping) so I'll chat to him over the weekend. The fact that I was completely horrified by the suggestion of MIL going back to her flat says a lot!

It’s a recurring nightmare for me (literally) in that my mum has discharged herself from the care home and has returned to her house. In the dream I’m bothered about whether the home will accept her back/keep her room for her. And arguing with her as she’s regained the power of speech and reason and she says she’s fine and there’s no reason to go back to the home.

I’m sure there’s plenty to unpack there about my psyche. 😁

How's your job going now @rookiemere?