Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@BestIsWest My list of things I need to do/organise for DM looks very much like yours and I couldn't agree more re rates of pay for decent carers. I know people often (rightly) complain about carers who are not good but realistically I think it's amazing that anyone can be persuaded to take on this kind of work for minimum wage. Obviously there's a big issue about how expensive care is without increased wages but I think the whole business of care for the elderly needs reviewing.

We had the first stage of mum's at home dementia assessment earlier this week, which went well I think and the person who came out seemed very knowledgeable and put mum at ease. She raised some questions and made some links that I hadn't considered. However, B and I seemed to come away with different interpretations of what she'd concluded. I think this could be similar to the situation GnomedePlume mentioned with her DB.
My view was that the assessor agreed with me that Mum's memory in itself is not bad but she clearly has problems with processing information/instructions plus delusions/hallucinations. Some of these in themselves could be side effects of physical illnesses or just normal aging but the way things are changing and the combination of symptoms raises concerns and needs more investigation. B interpreted the same discussions as her concluding that mum's memory is fine so she definitely doesn't have alzheimers and the rest of the symptoms are explained by physical illnesses or anxiety so with the right medication and someone with her to make sure she's not worrying she'll be fine.
There's no point in trying to debate this with him- he always knows best and won't listen at the best of times.

Why is it that they hang up if they are hearing something they don't like ?
My mil does this all the time but still expects me to come to the rescue when she feels another problem is coming on .
It's made me stop liking her .

@countrygirl99 that’s awful about your FIL’s care home behaviour, Mum isn’t that bad but I do think she needs to back off a bit and let him establish his own life in the home / keep her own social life going. Grrr to DH and the decorating.

I too have the never ending list of things that need doing for DPs and I strongly suspect DB does not, he just waltzes in, chats to them, sorts out anything very minor that doesn’t require speaking to anyone else, going to any shop, using his LPA, pats himself on the back for being a good son and clears off again to his nice house with no children and SAH wife.

Latest is that Dparents have a joint bank account, and because they are now listed as separate addresses they each get a statement. Paper because they always refused to do online banking. So on the one hand Mum is in a total panic that someone at the home might open Dad’s statement and use the details to steal all his money. But if I switch him to paperless it switches her too and then she gets hysterical that she won’t get a bank statement. And every time I fiddle with it the system sends her an automatic letter saying thank you for going paperless and causing more hysterics. She can’t have it both ways. Every bloody thing is a mountain out of a molehill. I can check her banking online any time, she’s not on a really tight budget and I can print statements too but this is not enough.

@ElderlyDilemmas I have to admit to heaving a huge sigh of relief when DPs went into the care home and I switched the bank account to online only. My heart always sank when after the hours drive up and in between trying to sort out things that actually needed doing, DM insisted on scrutinising her large print bank statements line by bloody line, even though like you I had it on my phone app and checked every couple of days to make sure nothing untoward.
Ironically she would absolutely be freaking now as huge wads of money going out for the redecoration of the house to get it rented and various bits and pieces they need at the care home.
Sadly she is still trying to get us to bring and do lots of things which the care home should be handling, using DF as her flying monkey, so we need to gently push back on that. It’s not her fault its the dementia, but man its irritating. At least now we are only a few minutes away, so I can beat a hasty retreat.

My mum insists on checking her bank statement even though my brother checks on line every week. She keeps cancelling the standing order for the cleaner as she doesn't know what the payment is for. I suppose she thinks the person who comes in every week to do 3 hours cleaning and laundry is doing it for fun.

@countrygirl99 gosh it’s like they have a playbook. DM queried the cleaner payments every time for about 4 months until they got a cleaner they liked so I guess she was worth paying after all.
Thankfully she couldn’t work internet banking to change it and as she was housebound DF was only able to cope with simple banking instructions like taking out cash.

Even then when they had a cleaner they liked they both just about had apoplectic fits when I insisted they give her a Christmas envelope with a week’s wages as a present, I think they wanted to kid themselves that she was just a family friend.

@rookiemere mum just phoned the bank to cancel it. Funnily enough she can manage to phone the bank to cancel the cleaner payment and British Gas to report her heating isn't working when it is fine but not to phone any of her family. Her sister contacts me to find out how mum is as mum never answers the phone, neither drive now and sister doesn't live near mum.

The moment my DF retired, DM relinquished any interest in finances and I’ve inherited the role. It’s funny because I clearly remember that it was Mum who ran the family budget, paid the bills, arranged insurances, booked holidays etc. Maybe it was the advent of internet banking as she never got the hang even of texting let alone email. I’ve largely cut out all the paper statements but the odd one gets through.
She did sack the window cleaner last year as he put his price up by £2! I’ve refused to look for another one.

@countrygirl99 maybe that was one small upside of DM pretty much losing her ability to speak. She gave up trying to organise things over the phone after she phoned up the ambulance service to book one for a hospital appointment ( I had already booked the damn thing and told her so) her speech was so bad they thought she was having a stroke on the phone, called me at my exercise class and then DF ended up cancelling it which I then discovered the day before her appointment and had to do a lot of pleading to get it reinstalled.

I did give her quite a row about that and it seemed to work.

Weirdly mum has just phoned. She says she's lost her debit card. Last time she told me that it was in her purse. I don't have POA so nothing I can do from home and I have an opticians appointment at 3 then need to do my horse who's still in strict isolation so wouldn't be there until 6 at the earliest. Then I'd need to phone and get her to give the bank permission to speak to me. So goldenballs is going to have to deal with it and try to call her back and let her know what is happening 😄.

<Sigh> DM is in distress. CH are talking about giving her morphine. DB doesnt want this because DF reacted badly when taken off morphine after major surgery.

He is basically wanging on about stuff he has read online.

I have got fed up with him and said that CH know more about EOL management than he does and that if he starts objecting to medical care decisions then CH may end up calling an ambulance.

@GnomeDePlume at this point if she is distressed and he refuses it but you agree and a GP or palliative care doctor agrees it is in her best interests the care home will act on that and ignore him. What a knob!

When DH's siblings tried to override my MIL's DNAR and refused to allow her life support to be turned off (she was dying of sepsis due to a long term illness that she knew would eventually kill her hence the DNAR) he was the only one who agreed and that was all the doctors needed to go ahead as per MIL's wishes.

Sorry about your horse @countrygirl99 definitely leave golden balls to deal with the bank card issue.

DF has declined in both his eyesight and cognition quite rapidly and cannot manage any banking related stuff. In rare moments of lucidity he does do some weird rearranging of files, so I have to keep an eye that he doesn't throw away mail that could be important.

If we weren't local he would already be in a care home we have been there twice a day for toilet accidents most days this week. I think he might have another UTI, just waiting for the results of his latest sample to come back as the test strips aren't positive.

@Choconuttolata messaged DB2 to keep him in the loop in case he got ordered to go to mum's but unfortunately he's in the Canaries until next week 😂.

@GnomeDePlume I know how hard this must be, but please, are you able to tell the CH staff to give your mother the morphine anyway, and to disregard what your brother says?

Your DM is dying. Your brother cannot face that, clearly. He needs to be told that allowing your mum to die without suffering is a great act of kindness.
In many ways it's the greatest act of kindness that a parent can receive from a child who loves them.

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this.

Thank you.

Ultimately the CH will do whatever is needed. DB is mithering (possibly just to me) rather than actually doing anything.

He doesnt 'approve' of morphine but there isnt anything else which hits the mark.

I think he is offering up a contrary view so that he isnt responsible.

@GnomeDePlume my mum was very upset when my dad was prescribed opiate painkillers at 92 going on about the long term risks of addiction. Didn't go down well when I pointed out that the long term isn't very long when you are that age and surely pain relief was more important.

I think he is offering up a contrary view so that he isnt responsible

Yes. That's exactly it.
When she dies, he'll be able to say "well, it wasn't me who wanted to give mum the morphine."

Therefore he cannot be held accountable, in his mind.

That is probably it @GnomeDePlume. DH really struggled with guilt after his DM passed even though he respected her wishes and even if she had survived she would have had no quality of life and he knew that isn't what she wanted after years of being in hospital, surgeries, long intensive care stays and recoveries. It didn't help that his sisters really blamed him for the decision too, they had the most to lose as right up until the day she went into hospital she was in her sick state providing free childcare for them. Ultimately it is about what it in your DM's best interests so that she doesn't suffer in pain or discomfort, no matter what mud your DB flings your way when he begins to process his grief, just hold on to the knowledge that you focused on that and nothing else.

It's burnout. I went into work yesterday and stayed overnight and worked all day today. I am just finished now.

I am exhausted. I am sore. I am sick. I am hungry. I am thirsty. I need a shower. I need a drink. I need sleep. Every bone in my body aches.

It's just too much. Nobody understands or cares.

I am sandwiched from so much pressure from every angle then there's more being expected of me.

I don't think I can stomach to go visit a family with you kids tomorrow.

@GnomeDePlume it sounds like care home aren’t being influenced by your DB so I hope they keep your Mum comfortable and you are doing okay 💐

@GnomeDePlumesome people are really weird about morphine and similar drugs. Like a mere sniff of it and you’ll be hooked for life. Even some medical professionals. Such nonsense. EOL care is about comfort and dignity. Perhaps your brother thinks the morphine will cause her death. Does he understand why it is given and how it helps? It’s such a small dose and will just help keep your mum comfortable. Does she have midazolam
or similar prescribed? We used to give that to agitated/distressed patients as well as morphine. It’s such a cruel process and your brother is such a twit for being so against what is best for your mum. I hope the care home staff listen to you and give as prescribed.

Thinking of you

I will ask the CH what they have been given in the 'EOL pack' by the GP. DB does have quite entrenched and old fashioned views about medicine. To him morphine is just 'giving way'. He is also very poor at passing on information whether because he doesnt hear clearly or because he wants to be 'the one who knows'.

All the way through he has resisted the idea that DM is anything other than a special case.

• He had never heard of UTI delirium so when DM was first behaving oddly it had to be the drugs the hospital were giving her
• DM couldnt possibly have dementia it had to be PTSD from the care she was receiving
• The chair in DM's room was some sort of fall risk (it is a standard armchair) and should be replaced with something 'better'
• DM is used to better/more refined food than the CH serve which is why DM was difficult at mealtimes

The list has been endless with constant passive aggressive little digs from DB at staff and mithering to me.

In other times DB would have mithered to DM who would have nodded along and agreed with him. Though she did admit to me that she didnt always listen 😀

I bet he doesn’t believe in taking paracetamol for a headache either but moans he’s in pain. I’ve never understood that kind of person. Your brother is obviously in a lot of emotional pain and dealing with it by being an arse. I‘m sorry you’re having to deal with him as well as your poor mum being so unwell.

Things here are ticking along nicely. Mum is doing well and is going back to her seated Pilates class after Easter!!! It’s nothing short of a miracle. I’ll probably go with her to make sure she’s behaving. She has a tendency to ignore the teacher and do too much then complain she is in pain 🙄 She went out to the garden centre with my sister yesterday. Despite moving further away she is managing to visit most weeks but doesn’t always stay for more than an hour. She’s never got time it seems. True to form she has complained about how much it costs in petrol to travel here and that was before the Iran war fuel price issue. She once charged me a fiver for petrol to come and babysit my two DD’s. She lived all of 5 miles away and this was over 10 years ago so no way 10 miles cost her £5! I babysat all 4 of her kids many, many times over the years without charge, including looking after her house, the cats, and her 4 kids for a weekend, taking them swimming and bowling while she had a nice weekend away with her husband. It would never have occurred to me to ask for money for doing it. Families eh.

The physio has discharged mum with a 6 month come back if you’ve got any issues plan. She’s really pleased with her progress. She’s completely off the morphine and has been for weeks and we’ve talked about reducing her other pain medications because she’s pain free apart from her legs aching.
She’s still tired but at 86 after two major surgeries and years of severe pain it’s to be expected. But she’s doing more cooking and prepping food for the carer to cook. She’s more motivated and brighter mentally. No worrying signs of dementia like before although she has the odd moment but I think it’s more she doesn’t listen 😂 The GP said to keep taking her out which I will. She’s got to pace herself and she’s rubbish at that but I keep reminding her. She’s coming for Easter dinner tomorrow and it will be the first time she’s been here since last May when she could barely stand up to have a photo taken with dd in her prom dress. Now she stands and zips up her coat or hangs clothes in the wardrobe, puts washing on the maiden and makes soup from scratch. It really is amazing but she doesn’t see how far she’s come and can be very negative. Lots of reassurance and motivational chats continue but she really is doing great and my god I am so relieved. I was beyond exhausted before February. The mental and physical strain was enormous and it’s only now that it’s not that I can see how bad things were. A big thank you to you all for your support through that awful time

@Dormit I am delighted things are going so well for you and your DM sounds so sprightly now. That is truly amazing. Thanks for updating us.