Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Solidarité to all. @GnomeDePlume, as others have said, your brother is really not helping. Unutterably frustrating for you and so sad that he can't let go or see the reality of a terrible time.
FIL refused morphine until he was no longer able to lucidly refuse it and then it was given as EOL care. FIL was at home and waiting for a medical professional to come to give injections was hard for DH and his brother. BIL is a doctor and I think he found it especially hard as he absolutely could not do anything but wait for the EOL team but knew from experience the calming effects morphine would have. FIL wanted to die at home and got his wish but there is absolutely no way I want to put my DD through that. There is a romanticised view of dying at home which does not match with reality in all cases.
I can't quite let this thread go, despite having 'graduated' in December when FIL died after a very difficult year. There was so much support here and understanding. My own DP are pretty good at the moment but I am worried about the future. And I have an adored aunt who DB and I will want to support eventually as we are her next of kin. So, in a calm before a possible storm at present...

@Dormit agree - thank you for sharing how things have improved, always nice to hear 💐

@Mumbles12 there’s plenty of space for us in the cafe - I might not visit as often now but I too really appreciate all the support and understanding I’ve found here. Long may the calm period last.

Is there such a thing as a carer's assessment where you are @TrayofRoses? It sounds like you could do with someone recognising the support you need.

Hi can I join please? Haven't rtft sorry. Have MIL living with me and DH. She is 83 and diagnosed with vascular dementia 4 years ago. Sleeping most of the time now and mobility is poor. Have to hang onto her when she's upright! We think she may have a year or so left if we are lucky and it frightens me how it will happen. I can see her getting less and less mobile and eventually bedridden.

Welcome @Stressybetty. You’ll find support here.

We're in the last few days of our holiday and trying not to think too much of home. I hope the break from seeing DH most days has helped MIL to settle in the care home as she didnt really understand where she was before we went away.

DB has finally accepted that DM is in her last days. Morphine hasnt been used yet but DB now accepting that the care team know what they are doing so isnt challenging.

That's a huge shift @GnomeDePlume . Is he feeling all at sea with the shift in perspective? So hard for everyone, though a relief that he's not challenging the care team today.

@Mumbles12 I think at a logical level he has known this was coming for some time. He is an odd character, he likes to take a contrary view about pretty much everything.

He has always been treated (especially by DPs) as the cleverest person in the room. He struggles when being told something by someone he considers less intelligent/academic/socio economic/male than him.

I will be seeing him later today, will be able to see how he is then.

@GnomeDePlume that must be a relief for you. It will be less draining for you to not be stuck mediating/advocating constantly. I hope he continues to be agreeable to the inevitable process now.

Welcome @Stressybetty.

@Dormit I am glad things are improving for your DM, it is great that she has her mobility back and is able to engage in social activities again.

DF was very scared last night and kept holding DH's hand and not letting go when going to sleep. He is up and down with his level of confusion and was more confused last night. Earlier in the day he had phoned me twice quite lucid to ask if I had spoken to DB and to ask if DH was coming to watch the football with him last night. He sometimes can't use his phone when confused now. Has anyone used one of those dementia friendly phones with the pictures of family faces to press and dial successfully at all?

Has anyone used one of those dementia friendly phones with the pictures of family faces to press and dial successfully at all?

Yes, was quite successful although she’d only ever use it to call me and not DB. Even before her move to the CH, I’d ring her and she’d complain that I wasn't giving her enough time to answer. It turned out she was treating it as “the phone” in the house, and not connecting it to the cordless one by her bed which she looked at like it was an alien device. Even though she’d had that design phone for over 20 years.

I think it helped that it looked like an older design of phone, maybe the curly wire to the handset triggered that recognition?

Yes, DM has one of those dementia friendly phones too. Be careful which order you put names in though. My picture is at the top so I get phoned first. I might change it so DB is at the top. We have this one.

https://shop.alzheimers.org.uk/collections/telephones/products/amplidect-combi-photo-295-phone

She doesn’t have to lift the handset if she’s pressing one of the photos, it goes automatically to speaker.

We had this one https://amzn.eu/d/0fpB4Tte

I’m just joining. My Dad very likely has dementia, undiagnosed but everyone agrees there is something there. There has been a slowish decline with the effects on eating, self care etc evident since last October. We got cleaners in and then care at home after Christmas. Towards the end of January he fell a lot and couldn’t get back up so we called ambulance and he was admitted to hospital. Had four weeks in hospital before being discharged into a nursing home who had a nursing floor focusing on dementia care, He had episodes of aggressive behaviour in the hospital and at the care home. Mental Health in the community no help.

Two and a half weeks after admission nursing home called an ambulance to check for potential fractures after a fall. During the call from the nursing home told me that he would need to be reassessed before returning but not to worry about it. Short story nursing home have said they can’t meet need and he cannot return. We’re now going back through the whole reassessment process and in the meantime he has significantly declined. He was able to hold a conversation and recognise us, now he is locked into his own imagination and recognises us but not to talk to. Worried about getting him into a suitable home and mental health support as I don’t want to be back in the same position in 6 weeks.

@BridasShieldWall hello there.
So your dad is currently in hospital?

They'll be looking for a home which can cater for patients who are aggressive. Has anyone suggested sectioning him?

Welcome @BridasShieldWall. sorry you are here.

His assessment should be treated as an urgent case if he has been given notice by his previous care home and therefore has nowhere to safely go after his hospital stay.

In my mum’s care home there is a man who wanders a lot, likes to see what everyone else is doing and occasionally can be aggressive. He has a male carer assigned to him 1:1 to shadow him and move him away from other residents, staff or visitors if he gets too close. I don’t know if this man is self funding that or getting CHC. I would assume it’s CHC. It could be your DF needs something similar to be accepted by a care home.

Hi thanks for the welcome. No suggestions of sectioning. The discharge plan from hospital seems to be finding him a funded assessment bed for four weeks to determine his needs. Last time we didn’t use the council assessment bed but the care home assessed him and accepted him. We didn’t like the place that had the only assessment bed but may go down that route this time in the hope that he has more mental health support, I don’t think it’s uncommon in dementia patients so there must be some support out there,

Thanks for the new thread. I am REALLY struggling with my mother; I don't like her much and every time I have to interact with her I just feel seething irritation. I have had many years (best part of a decade), caring for Ddad, whom we lost in 2023, and who I adored, and I now realise he was the fun buffer for the whole family. Since he died, we have now rolled straight into having to deal with her - she has macular, but not dementia, albeit you can see a normal mental decline along with deafness, hearing aids that don't work, entitlement and expectations able she professes she "hates asking". God. I feel so bad but I just can't stand interacting with her.

@BridasShieldWall @abracadabra1980 welcome to the thread no one wants to be on.

@BridasShieldWall when my DM's behaviour deteriorated the next step was DOLS (Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding). This would have allowed her to be moved to the secure wing in her care home. Beyond that would possibly have been Mental Health care services.

@abracadabra1980 do you have any siblings you can share the burden with. Sadly old age does not wave a magic wand and turn old people into sweet little grannies. Instead, behaviours seem to become entrenched as mental barriers/guide rails get removed.

DM has slid further down the exit ramp. Late last week there was a real expectation that we were in the final days. However, yesterday she rallied a little and was able to answer direct questions.

Had a conversation with DB. Well, he talked. So far DM hasnt been given any pain drugs other than paracetamol.

DB sees himself as doing what DF would have wanted. Questioning every medical decision. In DB's eyes DF has been sanctified (DF died over 30 years ago). IMO DF would probably have dropped a pillow over DM's face some while ago.

DB is still desperate for someone, ideally DM, to tell him he has been a 'good boy'.

@GnomeDePlume sadly DF's demise brought out the first split between me and sibiling. It also highlighted that she has a better relationship with DM than I do, and I had a better relationship with DF than she did. She has assumed the role of family CEO - this isn't an issue with me as she's way better at dealing with all of that than I am and she has more time, but we are just extremely different people outside of the family caring debacle.

I am sorry just on here for a bit of a moan. Things have generally been better since DPs in the care home. My birthday is today and thought it would be nice to try and mark a new start for me and leave the last year behind. Except of course that isn’t what happened.

Visited yesterday and took DF out for lunch to try and keep today clear, DM managed to fall before we left the care home and hurt her arm. Staff were keen we should still go out and when we came back they said they thought it was just a sprain. Of course it couldn’t just be that and this morning they rang DH to say they were going to get an ambulance to take her into hospital to get it examined. Because I am a truly selfish individual we still went on our country walk and lunch out. DH phoned this afternoon and because the hospital was busy they hadn’t taken her in yet and were waiting for an ambulance. Presumably in now accompanied by one of the care home staff.

I hate myself and I hate the whole situation. I should of course have dropped my minor plans and accompanied her to the hospital. Except I just wanted one bloody day to be about me and not them. They didn’t remember my birthday- I didn’t expect them to, I bought an excellent card entitled to a marvellous Daughter and DH got them to sign it. I have had lovely messages from friends and relatives and meant to be going out tonight with DH, DS and his girlfriend. I just feel so down, but trying not to show it. DH is right because he says at least it happened when they were in the care home and this is true. I don’t think it’s a major break, but if they try and keep her in hospital overnight that will be tricky as she will be even more out of her routine.

DH stopped her from crashing down on her fall, he reckons if he hadn’t she might have broken her hip and hurt her head and that would probably be the end of her. Maybe he shouldn’t have caught her, her life only appears to be pain and annoyance now.

There is nothing you could do at the hospital that a care home worker won't be able to do. It is completely shit that this is happening but you are not a horrible person for wanting to celebrate your own birthday!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday dear Rookiemere!

I'm sorry it was so shit for you.
You did the right thing with regard to going to the hospital with your mother.

Is your husband taking you out tonight?