Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

[dottyduvetcover]

If you’re a carer for a parent, do you do ‘personal care’, e.g showering, toileting etc?

I oversee the care for my dad and from the beginning, I’ve always said I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to protect his dignity and also just didn’t want to see him in that way. He has carers who help with this but recently he’s had some bowel issues and there’s been several accidents (once in my car and a few times around the house). I’ve got in there with the bleach and sorted everything out but it’s been hard - it’s the one thing I said I’d never do.

Two of my friends are parental carers and they said they do personal care and don’t think twice about it. Both their parents have dementia though and also they’re same sex, so perhaps this is different as there’s less embarrassment.

I don’t think I’m unusual in drawing a line and saying I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it!

My DM had carers but would not allow them to wash her - she would insist that she had washed herself but it was untrue - the soap and flannel were dry. But the carers hands were tied. Yet with me she had no boundaries whatsoever and assumed that I was the same.

She would also tell me that the carers had refused to wash her hair but I think it was more likely she wanted me to do it.

When she went into hospital prior to going into a home one of the sticking points that prevented her coming home was that I refused to do any personal care. I was on call day and night (she lived in our granny annex) and it would take 30 minutes to get her to the toilet and back to her arm chair every time. I was happy to continue with every other aspect of her care - meals/shopping/admin/companionship - but being on call for every toilet trip was what broke me. Because I wasn't actually wiping her bum I didn't realise that that taking her to the toilet, pulling her underwear up and down, classed as personal care. Because she needed personal care and was incontinent and had severely reduced mobility it was recommended that she should be in residential care. She was immediately hoisted in and out of bed/the chair and wore full incontinence underwear - not something that would have been an option at home.

My sister and I always said we'd never do personal care for our mother. Friends said, "Oh but you'll do it when the time comes because it's your mum"
She'd been a horrible mother to us and I couldn't bring myself to touch that woman but they didn't know that.

It all depends on the relationship.

Having spent quite a few weeks in hospital I kind of became desensitized to bodily functions. We've all got them.

I would just try and think of the nurses and carers that do it every day for strangers if I felt bad about doing it.

But obviously if it got to that they would have carers but I wouldn't leave someone I loved in wet or soiled clothing. That's less dignified than helping change them.

Having said that I'm relieved in some ways my dad died young from a heart attack so I never saw him lose physical or mental capacity.

Over the last 8 years I have been doing a lot for my parents as mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and dad fell to pieces. I always did say that I wouldn't be able to do any personal care if mum lost control of her bowels even though I have always had a fantastic relationship with my dear mum, it felt too personal.

Following a fall in the summer mum's dementia has progressed to the late stages very quickly and she is now double incontinent. We have carers in 3 times a day but it's inevitable she has accidents outside of those times so between my sister and I we clean mum up. Every time I go home and cry. I can't imagine my own daughter cleaning me up and I know mum would have hated it too.

With my DF he refused to change DS nappy so it meant that I could never go out with DM for more than an hour or so without DS when he was young. I get he wasn’t keen but who leaves a young baby sitting in their own faeces. There is zero way he would have done personal care for either of his DPs - they were on the other side of the Atlantic anyway and both died relatively young.

If the occasion comes where I have to do it, I will but once only then it’s care home for him. He was as good a DF as he could be - he wasn’t bad but I have no intention of wiping his bottom unless it’s completely unavoidable.

I did personal care for my Mum, but don't think I could for my Dad. It's a long slog with elderly parents - you aren't doing anything wrong with drawing lines where you need to. Best of luck OP. It was so hard looking after my Mum towards the end but, a few years on, I only remember how she was when she was younger - I hardly ever think of how things were at the end. Still glad I helped, though x

For the last years of her life my mum lived with me. I helped her with personal care like washing and doing her hair. Luckily she wasn’t incontinent although she had a few little accidents. I was happy to do it as we had a lovely relationship and she had cared so well for me. It never occurred to me not to do it and she would often say “ once a man and twice a child”. I completely understand how you can’t care for a parent in this way, but it felt natural for me.

Absolutely not. I'm squeamish as hell, the only person I think I could do it for if absolutely necessary is DH. I've had a few tricky conversations with DM about this as she seems to think it would be my responsibility as her daughter if its ever needed, with no questions asked. We don't have the closest relationship either!

That's entirely your choice.

My point was that it's not always possible to prepare for a scenario where care is needed. No matter how carefully we try to plan, circumstances can cause a monetary shortfall.

I worry about this. I’m not close to my mum. I find her very difficult but she doesn’t know that. We have a mostly pleasant, superficial relationship. I know that she wouldn’t expect me to provide day-to-day care but she certainly expects to be invited to stay with me and will expect help then.
She’s 80 and in pretty good health but already struggles with urinary incontinence and is resistant to seeking any medical advice. She was a nurse and provided this care for her own mother when it was occasionally needed. I assume there’s a knack to getting it done quickly and efficiently and that being swift and straightforward protects everyone’s dignity, but I expect I’ll fail to do it to her standards because that’s our usual pattern,

I just don't understand how this can arise, unless you're living in the same house as your parents and already have severely eroded boundaries. My dad's 96. He lives about 5 miles away. If he shits himself this afternoon, how would I know? There's no way he'd be asking me for help because he's my dad. Not my child.

Yes and dealt with burst stoma bag. Lucky if you can say no- unless your elders have 24 hr care or are in a home you may have no choice sometimes. Even in hospital they could be left waiting hours. Bowel crises tend not to come in the strict timetable that care is offered.

Presumably you visit him sometimes? You could arrive and find he had an accident- this is what I dread as even with regular carers there are long breaks in between visits.

It happened to my dad the other day. He has bowel issues but it’s normally well controlled. We were out for the day and he began to feel a bit off. We decided to go home but he warned me ahead of time to put a plastic bag on the seat. This has never happened before but I’m thankful I listened as he had an accident on the way back.

He is quite frail but has enough mobility to get himself into the wet room. Had he not been able to, I would have done my best to shower him down as he couldn’t have let him wait 2-3 hours before a carer got there. It’s not something I want to do but in an emergency, I would. Ultimately, it’s up to each person to work out what they’re willing and able to do. As others have said, I imagine some of it comes down to how good the relationship is too.

When I was an adult with young children, I occasionally called my parents for help. They dropped everything and came to help me . If they need my help, they can call on me. If can, I will help. That is the nature of our relationship. At our ages it transcends our parent-child relationship.

@Gallivant Oh I don’t help out my Dad all the time, he lives in a different country! I meant that I help out with showering, etc. when I’m there.

Same with my late Mum. She died in my 20’s and her illness was progressing when I was a teenager/at university. So of course I helped out when I was at home. I adored my Mum.

I dunno, I feel different when I love someone, I don’t think about the embarrassment/ unpleasantness, I just want to help them and make them comfortable, IYSWIM.

@JoanChitty Yes, that’s how I felt about my Mum too. We were lucky to have such lovely Mums. ❤️

This is on-topic for me know. MIL is in nappies and SIL does it all. My own mum said she’d hate me doing that for her and I agree.. I’d want a carer to do that so I can just carry on being her dd. I also wouldn’t want my children doing that for me. I’d rather just enjoy their company.

I dread this too, not for my parents but my elderly very negative MIL who lives close by.

She has already said (to me ..but not her son) that she won't ever go into a care home. She is independent at the moment but with limited mobility etc and outside the house is totally reliant on her son.

He does shopping, medical appointments, taxi service, taking her out etc ) She is physically heavier than either of us and I think is expecting full care in the future. but he could not do personal care and this is also a red line for me.

@cupfinalchaos I agree that if carers are needed, they should definitely be used, it’s not fair to just expect your adult child to do all your personal care.

Helping out when visiting or in an emergency is different, it’s common sense. You don’t leave someone uncomfortable because the carer isn’t coming for a couple of hours.

Of course.. however in my case I know my parents feel really strongly about it, luckily they’re not there yet.

My Dad didn’t have treatment for his lung cancer and wanted to stay at home. I bought in 24 hour care for him but still got stuck in with the physical stuff at times. I’m a nurse and was happy to do this and I think because of this he wasn’t uncomfortable as he knew this was what I did for a living. He was impressed at the speed with which I could change his colostomy. 😂. I’m glad he was able to be in his own home and we had some good times together even though he was dying.

I would have done it for my mum if she was still alive.
My 81yr old dad is adamant he never wants me to do it for him except in an absolute emergency. I think I would find it hard but he would find it even harder.

Again - I'm specifically responding to those who say that the parents should have made preparation for this eventuality. It's not always possible for people to set aside the required amount of money if their health fails sooner than expected or if their earning capacity only covers immediate needs.

No one plans on becoming ill, losing their job or earning minimum wage.

Whether or not any adult children are able or willing to step in is a separate manner.

Yes. My parents lived 14 miles away. My only medical experience is of being a volunteer in the St Andrew's Ambulance Corps, but this was the reality for me. (My parents' medical problems were not the same as your father's but were significant.)