Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

[dottyduvetcover]

If you’re a carer for a parent, do you do ‘personal care’, e.g showering, toileting etc?

I oversee the care for my dad and from the beginning, I’ve always said I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to protect his dignity and also just didn’t want to see him in that way. He has carers who help with this but recently he’s had some bowel issues and there’s been several accidents (once in my car and a few times around the house). I’ve got in there with the bleach and sorted everything out but it’s been hard - it’s the one thing I said I’d never do.

Two of my friends are parental carers and they said they do personal care and don’t think twice about it. Both their parents have dementia though and also they’re same sex, so perhaps this is different as there’s less embarrassment.

I don’t think I’m unusual in drawing a line and saying I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it!

I had a good, loving relationship with my parents, i'm generally pretty pragmatic about bodily functions and had raised four children of my own but I was still surprised at how difficult I found providing personal care to my mum was when she became doubly incontinent as a result of Alzheimer's. My help was only needed sporadically before she went into a care home but It had a profound effect on my understanding of what it actually meant to be an adult in its truest sense - even though it was completely heartbreaking. It was like I'd moved into the final stage of maturity - it felt completely different to the care I gave my kids when they were small as they felt like an extension of me whereas caring for my parents felt like it required a different level of selflessness that I wasn't prepared for.

I have perfectly good relationship with my mother but I struggle to even touch her.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing this for my elderly dad when he was alive (luckily he had carers/my mum)
He was a private, old fashioned and formal person and we didn't have a particularly close or open relationship so it would have felt really inappropriate to me to be honest.
I guess though, if you're forced to deal with something like that whilst caring for someone you just have to get on with sorting it out, as they can't be left in soiled/wet clothes with mess everywhere.

Yes. I did for my mum.
absolutely no one relishes this task but we do it out of love and so will you

Bizarrely , it became a privilege once I got over the initial shock

I couldn’t love my Mum any more than I do but I won’t be doing any personal care unless it was a one off incident.

My Mum has died now but I cared for her in her own home whilst she was dying .
So I took her to the toilet when she was more able and washed / bathed her in the bathroom and then in bed when she couldn't get up .
I also cleaned her false teeth which turned my stomach cleaning them whilst they were in my hand but one thing I could definitely not do for any adult is cut their toenails .

Please don’t presume to tell the rest of us what we ‘will’ do.

No, I won’t.

I didn't love my mother because she was horrible to me so I wouldn't have done any form of care for her.

Please don't presume what other people will do.

Totally agree with this . The relationship with the parent is key , if you have been loved as a child you probably would help but for those who didn’t have good parents you wouldn’t .

All the responses of daughters saying “Their dad did it for them, so they are returning the favour.”
Did your dad of that generation actually change your nappies and bath you? My dad is an amazing dad and I’m sure he did these jobs on odd occasions but certainly not on the norm.
Nowadays I wouldn’t stand for any man refusing to care for his infant daughter this way, but I’m surprised to hear of so many involved fathers of a certain age.

Yes I am like this with DM. It’s hard because I know she would like it if I washed her hair but I can’t bring myself to do it. She has four carers a day that can do it though so she isn’t missing out.
Weirdly I could probably do it for DH or say my sister in law if I had to, but physical contact with my DPs feels impossible for me.

You've had some rather angry replies, which I don't think you deserve. But people have different relationships with their parents, so, at the same time, I guess they're understandable.

I think the reason of us are reacting to pp's post in the way we are is because being told what we 'will' do by someone who appears to romanticise the act of wiping a parent's arse (given what they said about it being a 'privilege' 🙄) is really a rather odd mix of patronising, prescriptive and naive. That's my view anyway.

Just to be clear, I think it's admirable when people are genuinely able to provide this sort of care for a parent. But there are so many valid reasons people might not be able to, and it can be a guilt-inducing topic; certainly it touches a nerve for me, and I'd be surprised if I was the only one.

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@plinkero I’ve never dealt with incontinence, thank goodness, but I agree that love can make washing and bathing easier for some of us. I was never squeamish about it with my late Mum and I’m not now if my Dad wants a shower. He doesn’t really need assistance though, just someone to help him into the shower and stay close by as he’s prone to falls.

I'm visiting him soon and he’s already told me that he’s cancelling the carer who supervises his showers while I’m there. I get it, he pays for his help and he’s always been a frugal sod. 🤣

Why would you assume that those of us who have undertaken physical care for our parents have severely eroded boundaries?

I think most people on this thread are talking about dealing with faecal incontinence, not helping someone shower.

@Isitsticky No, some posters have said that they couldn’t wash a parent’s hair, for example.

I’ve dealt with urine-soaked clothes but that’s not too bad tbh.

@AppleDumplingWithCustard I agree that boundaries aren’t relevant in this situation. People deal with what life throws at them and if someone becomes ill and infirm, you do what’s necessary. Carers are the best route in many (most?) cases.

DF never changed a nappy in his life and was a rather distant father when we growing up because he ran his own business. We had never seen him naked. DM often laughed that she rarely did either (I think he had some sort of body dysmorphia). But I loved him dearly and when he was terminally ill I shared his personal care with DM and his carers - changed adult slips/pull ups and helped put on his convene catheters. He was so embarassed at first but we both got used to it and it needed to be done. But I'd rather change a soiled pad than clean food off false teeth, clip toenails or clean up vomit for sure. Everyone has different boundaries.

Now looking after my DH and learning to do more "medical" stuff (ulcer care, insulin injections and enemas) that used to be done by district nurses back in the day. DMiL was a district nurse for nearly 40yrs and I remember laughing with her that I couldn't do her job. And yet here I am 🙄

@2026hastobebetterthan2025 Yes, I was my husband's carer. You don't think that you can do it - and then you do.

I won’t do personal care for my parents. That’s a line I can’t cross. I had two siblings who died from a progressive disease and family tried to get me to act as a carer . I love them, but that is a hard no from me.

Yes I do for my dad. He has alzheimers, and despite being in a care home - he point blankly refuses to have a shower ( becomes aggressive towards staff etc) They are so lovely with him . So I go in and put him in the shower ( he can wash himself etc). Personally, I couldn't leave him not showering / changing and sometimes he refuses which I respect. I agree it's not easy though.

I do personal care for my husband, who has a progressive neurological disease. And I'm fine with that.

But I haven't physically touched either of my parents since my mid-teens. And I won't be starting now. Maybe my brother will step up, who knows. All of the women on this thread encouraging other women to roll up their sleeves and get on with it out of love or respect or whatever might like to reflect on the fact that men are absolutely never expected to do this.