Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

[dottyduvetcover]

If you’re a carer for a parent, do you do ‘personal care’, e.g showering, toileting etc?

I oversee the care for my dad and from the beginning, I’ve always said I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to protect his dignity and also just didn’t want to see him in that way. He has carers who help with this but recently he’s had some bowel issues and there’s been several accidents (once in my car and a few times around the house). I’ve got in there with the bleach and sorted everything out but it’s been hard - it’s the one thing I said I’d never do.

Two of my friends are parental carers and they said they do personal care and don’t think twice about it. Both their parents have dementia though and also they’re same sex, so perhaps this is different as there’s less embarrassment.

I don’t think I’m unusual in drawing a line and saying I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it!

I couldn’t do this

A very good friend of mine had to do this when her dad was dying. He sadly had an accident and she didn't want her mum to deal with it. She told me, almost with embarrassment. I gave her a big hug and said how fabulous she was. I struggled to wash my mum's hair during covid, I am so non- physical. So my friend was amazing. And so are you!

I helped my late Mum shower and wash her hair. I now periodically help my Dad shower and have emptied commodes, but that’s it’s far.

I do what’s necessary when it’s necessary, I don’t think about it too much tbh.

No I will not do it unless there is absolutely no alternative.
I am not a trained carer and I have already broken most of the internal boundaries I have set, if I do it will be once only then DF will have to go to. care home with his dementia wether he wants to or not.

I’m so sorry. It really does feel like you’ve crossed a line of no longer being the ‘child’. I get that and all the sad feelings of loss that go with it.

I did it for my father - washing, shaving, showering, catheter bags, toileting, dressing, bedtime - everything. Once I had the right kit and got a routine going, I didn't think twice about doing it. It's more dignified for them to just be matter of fact about it, get it sorted and move on.

He's currently in a home, so I don't have to do it. I'm appreciating being his daughter again and just being able to spend time with him. I'm also a lot less knackered!

I’m not at that stage yet but both my parents are adamant they don’t want their children to do this. I would also rather not, to maintain some parent/child boundaries I think maybe.

Showering, hair and urine I have done a bit, plus a lot of foot care which was a natural extension (we all have terrible feet in our family so taking care of them is normal), but I drew the line at poo. Luckily it’s never been essential for me to do that, mum went from problematic urinary incontinence to aggressive faeces smearing overnight and also needed 24 hour care.

I've done it for both. Dad was always embarrassed and mum would hit me. They both refused to allow the carers to wash them. So hard.

Christ, I couldn’t do anything like this. I can see I’m in the minority so it’s a me problem, just learned something about myself!

Am frankly astonished by this thread. I love my parents dearly, but they've had decades to make arrangements for their personal care in old age. If they think I'm wiping their arses they can jog on. The difference might be that I'm child free, so expect to pay for professional care in due course, not coerce some poor bloody daughter.

You’re not alone, I couldn’t do it either 😢

I’ve taken care of my parents in practically every way throughout my adult life; but the physical care I cannot do. I’ve been to every appointment, slept beside them at home and in hospital chairs, cooked and cleaned for them. But I just can’t do it. I gag and vomit really easily, a smell is enough so this is a step too far for me. Of course in an emergency I’d have no choice but as a long term thing, I’ll happily pay for help (and have done) for this.

I admire those of you who can but I'm absolutely not cut out for this. My relationship with my mam isn't great and my dad wouldn't even accept help getting out of a chair when he had his hip replaced so I genuinely don't know what will happen when they need care.

I cared for my mum when she was dying of cancer . I also cared for my mother in law when she was dying of cancer . Same goes for my uncle . More recently I had to help my brother in law to shower and dress when he had an operation on his hand . There is a way to give assistance with personal care while maintaining the persons dignity . I used to be a nurse and we were trained to keep patients covered with towels while washing them .?

I have done, but for my late mother.

Those who say that their parents should have prepared for this are missing the fact that sometimes life comes at you hard. It's not always possible to make those preparations.

You’re not alone. I completely agree with you.

Not if I can help it. My mother does have carers who do most of that sort of thing when needed, even if I am visiting at the time.

Obviously I will step in if an accident happens when I am there and the carers aren't (they come three times a day) and won't leave her sitting in it, but I feel like it changes things between us in ways I don't want.

You're not alone at all. I'm glad my mother has carers for this.

Obviously I won't leave my mother sitting in it if an accident should occur when I am there and the carers are not (they come three times a day) but I absolutely hate it and find it very difficult. Fortunately, it has only happened once and I did just get on with it through gritted teeth, which I did my very best to hide from her.

My mum doesn’t need this level of care yet but I’ve always said I won’t do it and I won’t .

I do this for my mum. It started when she was in hospital and I didn’t want her to have to wait until two staff were available to clean her up, so I offered to help. (The staff were 110% wonderful, just over-stretched.)

In a weird way I am glad to be able to give this care to mum, just like she would do anything for me when I needed it and she was able to give it. Mum and I have always been very close, and I am grieving losing her as she deteriorates. This care is almost as necessary for me as it is for her.

Mum now has a full-time carer. When I’m around mum will sometimes ask me to take her to the toilet instead of her carer, and I comply. If the carer is on her lunchbreak while I’m around, I take mum, but I know that she has to wait for the carer when I’m not around.

When the carer was sick I took time off work to go and stay with my parents until we could find a substitute, and I did all the care. TBH that nearly broke me. I could not do it full-time. Too stressful.

I’m the only sibling that does this. The others take different roles, such as all the life admin for our parents. They couldn’t do what I do, and I couldn’t do what they do.

As for dad, if he needed care I would do it. But it wouldn’t be the same. I suspect I would be uncomfortable, though I would try not to show it. I love dad and he loves me, but our relationship has always been different to mine with mum. He is far more private and dignified. I think if dad needed personal care (and I think that’s getting nearer) he would prefer a stranger.

I cannot find it in me to judge someone who doesn’t want to wipe their parents’ bums as a natter if course. But I find it difficult to accept that somebody would leave their parents sitting in their wee or poo, rather than do something about it.

This is a very difficult time in our lives, for both ages.

I'd help anyone in an emergency, my parents included. But on the regular? As an expectation? Because I'm faaaaaaamily? No, no, no.

I did it for Mum. All through her illness I had things in my mind that I ‘wouldn’t/couldn’t’ do but when the time came I just got on with it. To be honest when in the situation there’s really not time to overthink things, you just get on with it and do what’s required.

I should add to my above post DM had carers 4 times a day so they would have done the majority of personal care