Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

[dottyduvetcover]

If you’re a carer for a parent, do you do ‘personal care’, e.g showering, toileting etc?

I oversee the care for my dad and from the beginning, I’ve always said I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to protect his dignity and also just didn’t want to see him in that way. He has carers who help with this but recently he’s had some bowel issues and there’s been several accidents (once in my car and a few times around the house). I’ve got in there with the bleach and sorted everything out but it’s been hard - it’s the one thing I said I’d never do.

Two of my friends are parental carers and they said they do personal care and don’t think twice about it. Both their parents have dementia though and also they’re same sex, so perhaps this is different as there’s less embarrassment.

I don’t think I’m unusual in drawing a line and saying I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it!

I didn't think I could but in the moment for both of them it happened for the first time unexpectedly and I just got on with it and was glad to be able to help and now that the seal has been broken I carry on with it. I'm not wiping bums yet and don't know if I will manage that or not but I do dressing, tooth brushing, bathing and helping clean up after "accidents". I did refuse to clip nails and feel guilty about that but I just couldn't. I would hate for my DC to have to help me in this way.

I have made it very clear to my children that if my life gets to me being incontinent I want to be either shot or a care home. I am a nurse and my dignity will be destroyed if my own children clear up after me. Feel very strongly about that .
Edit to say that my parents died suddenly.one too young aged 60 and Mum aged 83 but their dignity remained intact.

I’m not sure the two are comparable though. There’s no embarrassment or ‘loss of dignity’ when cleaning up a pet - your dog definitely doesn’t care if you wipe its bum. Or at least mine certainly didn’t. 😂

I haven't had to but think I probably could for my mum but not my dad. My mum is a very practical person and wouldn't mind. My dad would be mortified and somehow because he's make I would be more uncomfortable. I have cleared up after my mum after she wet herself and it actually didn't bother me. It was just a task to complete.

Totally with you

This is very close to home. I have had to do personal care for my Mum a few times recently as there was no choice. I haven't got used to it and I don't find it a privilege. I cry and gag every single time. I find it awful and degrading both for me and her. It is not and should not be considered part of the mother-daughter relationship. I am taking steps to ensure that I never ever have to do this again.

I have sons not daughters, but there is no way on earth I would ever want or expect my children to have to provide initimate care for me. If I start with dementia symptoms, I will get diagnosed early and I will make plans to go into a care home at the earliest necessary opportunity. I will not blackmail my children and beg to stay in my home and inflict this sentance onto them.

I feel for you. This insistence that elderly people must be indulged in “refusing” help from anyone but their children just has to be challenged as a society

I agree @CloudPop and @FiveFoxesthis insistence that it’s best for the old persons independence and wellbeing to keep them at home wherever possible pretty directly correlates to a loss of any independence or wellbeing for any poor relative/friend who comes into contact with them, particularly once toileting ability is lost. It would be a hard hearted person indeed who could leave their DP sitting in their own excrement, yet this is exactly what is likely to happen if the person is deemed to be ok at home with 4 carers a day.

As I have said upthread I would do this once only for DF and use it as the reason that he must go into care, even though that’s very much not he wants to do. They have more than enough money to get in all the care they need or go into a nice care home. I would rather we didn’t receive a penny of inheritance- which will all be given to DS anyway- than have cleaning DFs bottom become part of my regular routine.

I did for my mum, MIL and FIL when he was near the end.

This has been such a useful thread for me as my mum enters the last phase of her life.

We’ve had a difficult relationship and I have always said that I wouldn’t provide care, if she needed it. She does need it now. She’s currently in hospital but insisting on going home.
She’s not wealthy and neither am I, so she will get a standard care package.

I feel it’s inevitable that on one of my visits she will need some type of personal care because not everything can be timed to coincide with a carer’s visit.

I will do it, because I am not the sort of person to let another suffer but I will not see it as a privilege or any such thing.

Someone on this thread or another Elderly Parents thread remarked that, sometimes people can’t have what they want (e.g. being at home) if it causes others to have to sacrifice their own life, by providing money / time / help that they cannot really afford.

This is how I feel about my mum. Her wish to go home seems to override everything else. She lives 2 hours away from me and I am spending so much time and money sorting things out / visiting I am exhausted and resentful.

Sorry, went off topic a little but grateful for the opportunity to vent my frustration.

@Porkpieandmustard it sounds so hard for you, particularly when it wasn’t a carefree relationship.
Has your DM been offered the possibility of a care home ? Sometimes when they discharge they know it isn’t going to work out, but have to wait for it to fail before accepting that the person needs residential care. So I would be on to the social worker if you do end up having to do personal care.
Its such a ridiculous situation. Obviously your DM isn’t making rational decisions but as she is deemed to have capacity, she can continue to ruin your life through her choices. I have taken a step away as mine can afford more care/care homes. As I have said before I will do toileting once and once only, that’s my red line.

Thanks @rookiemere I can see from the Elderly Parents threads that there are many, many people in similar or worse situations. It’s actually been a huge comfort and source of advice and info to read them.

My mum is adamant she will not go into a home. I tried to talk to her gently about it a few weeks ago but she has not changed from her lifelong position!

She had carers before she was admitted to hospital, but everything about that process felt like a huge battle. If our relationship was different perhaps I would feel differently but I think that ship has sailed.