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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

137 replies

dottyduvetcover · 31/12/2025 19:26

If you’re a carer for a parent, do you do ‘personal care’, e.g showering, toileting etc?

I oversee the care for my dad and from the beginning, I’ve always said I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to protect his dignity and also just didn’t want to see him in that way. He has carers who help with this but recently he’s had some bowel issues and there’s been several accidents (once in my car and a few times around the house). I’ve got in there with the bleach and sorted everything out but it’s been hard - it’s the one thing I said I’d never do.

Two of my friends are parental carers and they said they do personal care and don’t think twice about it. Both their parents have dementia though and also they’re same sex, so perhaps this is different as there’s less embarrassment.

I don’t think I’m unusual in drawing a line and saying I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it!

OP posts:
Tinkerbellthefairy · 31/12/2025 19:27

I did it for my mum. She’s dead now but I did it right until she went in to the hospice. Didn’t even think twice about it.

Chinam · 31/12/2025 19:29

I’ve done it regularly for my mother in law. Strangely, I don’t think I could have done it for my own mother.

Tinkerbellthefairy · 31/12/2025 19:29

Chinam · 31/12/2025 19:29

I’ve done it regularly for my mother in law. Strangely, I don’t think I could have done it for my own mother.

to your point. I think it depends on the personalities involved and your relationship.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 31/12/2025 19:43

Yes, I once had to clean my dad up. He hated it, I hated it but it really was a case of plaster a bright smile on and say, "don't be daft dad! you did it for me when I was small so let's just get on with it." There was no point pussyfooting around as it had to be done.

AdoreTheChaos · 31/12/2025 19:45

I haven’t had to do it and I feel the same way about it as you do, plus I can’t imagine that your dad feels comfortable about the situation either. I could tell you something that my DH was asked to do by his father, I warn you though it’s grim.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 31/12/2025 19:49

I did all of my Dad's personal care when he was terminally ill with cancer. He point blank refused to let anyone else help him wash or shower - but I am a trained carer and Dad said he always felt safe when I was with him. Never bothered me whatsoever, in honesty, I just wanted to help him. The palliative care nurse was lovely and said whatever Dad was comfortable with was OK with her, but I do admit that I felt a little relief when he went into a hospice and they took all of that over so I could be his daughter again.

Choconuttolata · 31/12/2025 19:51

I do personal care regularly for my DF if he has an accident in between carers. At first he was nervous about me or DH providing personal care, but we reassured him and because we weren't embarrassed and didn't make him feel uncomfortable he got used to it. Better that than sit in a soiled pad for hours.

For me it was no issue as I have provided personal care as part of my job for the last ten years and DH did personal care for his DM before she died. It is not for everyone though, DB won't provide personal care for DF even though he has done it in the past as part of a job. I respect that everyone has to make the right decision for them and not feel pressured to do something they or their DP isn't comfortable with.

Original poster
dottyduvetcover · 31/12/2025 19:57

So far I’ve not had to clean my dad up but I’ve cleaned up the mess when he’s had accidents. He’s mobile enough to get himself in the shower and get himself clean. If there wasn’t a carer around and it was an emergency, I definitely couldn’t leave him to sort himself out but I hope we don’t get to that point.

My mum died a few years ago and I think I could have done it for her if needed but not sure I could do it for my dad.

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 31/12/2025 20:25

no i don’t do that. yet. my mum can still manage day to day and gets carers to shower her. i hope i dont have to do it. for the same reasons as you. but i will if i need to.

dempsey73 · 31/12/2025 20:34

I do it for my Mum and I did it for my Grandad. When it became necessary for my Grandad, he said we shouldn't have to do it, we told him exactly what others have, he did it for us, we're returning the favour. With Mum, we just get on with it, she apologises a lot and I tell her not to be sorry, it's not deliberate, and while it's not always the most comfortable thing to do, I think she'd find it more embarrassing with strangers and we've gotten used to it. However, she's has generally been easy to care for, the whole thing is awful but I'm lucky she makes it much easier than it could be, I hope that continues. Overall though, I've found all of it to be a gradual lesson in learning to deal with things I'd never thought I'd do..

Clonakilla · 31/12/2025 20:39

Perfectly fine to not do it. Everyone has their own comfort levels.

I showered/shaved/dressed/toileted my father for years. His dignity was not compromised in any way by his loving daughter caring for him as he once cared for me.

Tubestrike · 31/12/2025 20:40

My sister and I did it for my dad when he was terminally ill and for our mum before she went into a care home.

Original poster
dottyduvetcover · 31/12/2025 20:51

Really interesting to read some of these replies. I help my dad to get dressed if he’s just out of the shower and there’s no carer around. He stays in a towel, I put his undies round his ankles and then I turn my back while he pulls them up. I empty urine bottles and clean up accidents but that feels like my personal limit. I also recognise that as his illness progresses, that might change but I hope not.

A few years ago he really needed a suppository and he was in a bit of a mess. The community nurse couldn’t come till the next day and I just knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. Thankfully I persuaded/coerced a friend who’s a nurse to do it and we got him comfortable again. I love him to bits but yep, I just can’t seem able to do this.

OP posts:
Tubestrike · 31/12/2025 21:30

It really is difficult and we all have our own limits, there's nothing wrong with how you feel. When I was doing it for my mum, I felt it changed our relationship from me being her daughter to her carer. It broke my heart every time she apologised and told me how grateful she was.

Isitsticky · 31/12/2025 21:33

I haven't done it and I won't do it. I love both my parents but it's just a no. I don't feel bad about it.

Zapx · 31/12/2025 21:38

This thread feels very relevant as I’ve had to help my Dad shower/bath/toilet for the first time this week. Felt like a pretty grim milestone tbh. He’s got flu and Alzheimer’s - terrible combination. He couldn’t seem to care less I was helping him, I know that the real him would’ve been beyond mortified though…

I’ve cried a lot.

mcmen05 · 31/12/2025 21:44

Myself and my sisters done it for our mum until she died pancreatic cancer.
My dad now 90 has a cathator and wears a nappy but I could not do the same hygiene care for my dad. He manages himself at the moment don't know what will happen as he ages
He got a new tablet yesterday said he didn't know what it was for I googled it and rang my sister as she went with him and it is for Parkinson first we heard of him having this and they said they would retest in 2 weeks. to see if tablet works so he probably going to need alot more care.

foodtoorder · 31/12/2025 21:47

Whilst I appreciate why you would say "I will never do" the reality of caring is that you may have no choice on occasion even with carer input.
I try and spin it- would I want to be left soiled/wet and without dignity.
Is it really a big deal? I think once that initial awkwardness is out the way it's just a case of roll up your sleeves and do what's needed.
If it's happening frequently then maybe bigger issues to discuss.

DominoLover51 · 31/12/2025 21:51

My Sister and I did it for my Dad. Things sometimes just happened and there was no alternative, needs must. Luckily for my Dad he wasn’t embarrassed.

2026hastobebetterthan2025 · 31/12/2025 21:55

Did personal care for DF who had pancreatic cancer (diarrhoea is an issue with it) but not for DM who was in a care home for the last 3 years. Also have to do it for DH as he is very frail and unwell now too. Finding it so much harder with DH as feel like his carer and not his wife anymore and our relationship has altered. I wouldn't wish the indignity of incontinence on anyone.

Acheyelbows · 31/12/2025 21:56

I'm dreading this tbh, I would have no issue with my Mum and have helped with changing, cleaning and enemas previously. Unfortunately I have a very strong sense of smell and gag reflex so have to double mask which I feel bad about but I can't help if I'm gagging and retching involuntarily.

My father will not be happy for me to help him and I am starting to suspect he is having continence issues. He refuses help from carers as well and it's a worry that's growing.

Tubestrike · 31/12/2025 21:58

Isitsticky · 31/12/2025 21:33

I haven't done it and I won't do it. I love both my parents but it's just a no. I don't feel bad about it.

Like I said, it is really difficult but sometimes there is no choice. I couldn't bear the thought of my parents sitting in their own mess when I could make them more comfortable.

Motheranddaughter · 31/12/2025 22:01

No I don’t do it
DM now in a care home and I always ask the staff
Maybe I should do it but I just can’t

Porkpieandmustard · 31/12/2025 22:02

I do not want to do this for my mum. Our relationship is not easy and I’m not sure how it would work out…but as she gets more unwell (cancer) I can see that occasions may arise when it is inevitable.

tinyspiny · 31/12/2025 22:06

I did for my mum as she was at home , bed bound and doubly incontinent for the last 8 weeks of her life but I am a retired nurse .

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