How often do you visit elderly parents

[MissCeltic]

My parents live in an assisted living flat in a nursing home but they are not in the care side. I can’t drive due to a medical reason so they come over to me usually every two weeks. However my dad has dementia and what worries me is if something happens to my mum or when she has to give up driving I will only be able to afford to see them once a month.

There isn’t public transport on the route so I would need taxis and it’s a £40 round trip. I live in my own so I can’t afford that every week and I know only seeing them once a month makes me seem like a terrible daughter. I also have mental health issues so the constant worrying about this is making me so stressed.

Not as often as I should.

Do you think you could teach them to video chat? That would be a good compromise.

My dad I generally visited once a month for a week at a time when he got ill and needed help, and about the same frequency but slightly shorter duration once he was in a care home. My mum (still healthy and independent) I visit about 3 times a year.

You do what you can. If they're in an assisted living place you know they are safe and someone is keeping an eye on them.

Twice a year. We don’t live in the UK, so it’s summer and Christmas. Parents are 89, living independently in their own home, no care needs yet.

my sister lives a two-hour drive away - she tries to see them every month.

as the pp says, you do what you can.

I would just add that I don’t think I’m a terrible daughter because I only see them twice a year. Being a ‘good’ daughter is a lot more than living round the corner, so try not to give yourself a hard time about that. And don’t borrow trouble from the future, as my granny used to say - your set up is working for now and that’s really all you can have any control over.

Parents are late 80's. I visit once a month, or more often if there are any issues, I need to take them for appointments etc.

They are a 300 mile round trip, so I can't do it more often, though I would like to as I feel a huge guilt on not being closer.

Once a week or fortnight, but I am local. In-laws live a 3 hour drive away and we see them every couple of months. You can only do what you can do.

I wonder if your mum could afford the taxis or could access voluntary drivers.

But it’s more important that you’re posting about this after midnight. How are you sleeping at the moment? If your anxiety is very bad at the moment, do you have any help? What about seeing your GP?

Only twice a year - I wish it were more but I'm the other end of the country, have health problems and don't drive myself. I handle all her financial stuff etc but it's frustrating that I can't sort out the things that require you to be there in person. e.g. putting her clocks forward & back etc... But it is what it is and there's nothnig to be done about it now - neither her or I are going to move closer to each other now.

Daily. But I live very nearby and my dad needs a lot of care. It was more like once a week when my mum was still alive.

If you aren't nearby and don't drive, I think once a month is reasonable. Do what you can and don't beat yourself up about it.

Could you move a bit closer?

I would have them around the corner if I had my time again.

Can you sort out video chatting with them perhaps? With an inexpensive tablet? I moved so that I am less than two hours away from my folks so I see them a minimum of once a month, but in reality it's more like every other week and if anything happens to either of them I am fully prepared to move in with them to take the strain - but I don't have dependents so have flexibility. Sorry to hear you can't currently drive, that must be so frustrating. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job by the way.

When they lived nearby twice a week, once I’d go to them then they’d come over fir Sunday lunch (I’d collect them). After my father passed my mother moved to another country to be nearer my sisters, plus she had more friend there. So of course I didn’t visit regularly but I’d say one or other of my sisters did every day. But they lived close by - my litter bought her flat as close as possible on purpose. She had carers come to her towards the end (cost about £10k/month but she could afford it and money well spent).

My dad is 2.5 hours away. I visit every 5-6 weeks but my brother visits too so try to spread out our visits. My daughter is great visiting too. So 6-8 times a year
My dad is 93. Now very set in his routine. He was an amazing father to me and I wish he would move closer so I could see him several times a week

i phone daily. it’s exhausting talking about the same stuff over and over but heyho.

id suggest once a day phone calls.

are you working on your mental health? engage with whom ever you need to and get better. that will be one less thing to stress about. life’s too short.

typo duh i meant i’d suggest you phone them once a week!! not daily. that’s a rod for my back i don’t wish on you lol.

There's no 'set' frequency of visits that makes someone a good daughter or a bad one. The fact that you worry about your parents' wellbeing and see them often at the moment tells me you're a good daughter who is doing her best.

I agree with other posters that worrying about possible future developments is probably not doing you good. Is there any way you can access therapy for your own mental wellbeing? Even getting on a waiting list would be good, though waiting lists are long.

Meanwhile, do your parents have access to a bit of money? If they come to see you, it would quite usual for them to pay for the taxi. You could support by finding a good taxi company and helping them install the app on their phone or put the number somewhere they can access it easily.

If your mother has to stop driving could she use the money from selling on her car and the money she saves on insurance, petrol etc. to pay for taxis to visit you?

It sounds like you’re doing a lot. Don’t make assumptions about what others are doing or what you should be doing. They’re in assisted living so have support in place.

Ive had several days of hearing about other people’s marvellous daughters. I see my DM 3-4 times per year (because of distance it’s several days 3-4 times per year). This year it has been three times. That is fine with me and I definitely wouldn’t want to visit more often. She drives me mad.

I'm half an hour away from my mum. She can't get out anyway unless my brother goes there . He lives closer but he doesn't drive,.also doesn't work. I've been visiting about three times a week but tbh it's absolutely draining.

Next year I'm thinking of trying to limit it to twice a week. She has carers twice a week and a.befriender once a week. She is grateful in her own way. But it's running me ragged as my job, although part-time, iS still quite demanding. Going to have to have a good think about all the weekly tasks, visits.

Correction - she has carers in twice every day.

Mum & Dad are in their 80s and in poor healh. They are 4 - 5 hours away, so I try to see them every 8 weeks. I phone them everyday. My brother sees them everyday as he's virtually next door.

Fil is housebound. We both use a NWD to visit him each fortnight, which involves a trip on a ferry. We call him daily as he rarely has visitors. One of his other sons visits every couple of months for a night or two (like I do with my parents) and the other lives in another country and visits for a few nights a couple of times each year.

Every couple of months. I feel guilty, but in their 80s they chose to move 5 hours away from me. One of them is now housebound so I always have to do the travelling. My brother is fairly close by though and sees them every week.

Not enough, was always like you a money thing (but was cost of petrol) but now work. New year resolution is to see mum a lot more as have been to too many parents funerals in the past year

Almost every day, mum 89 lives two streets away, I try to call in if only for ten minutes to check everything is OK. She’s definitely getting frailer.

Maybe once a quarter, but I had an international job so it depended what was going on at work.
I have 5 siblings though so they had a fairly regular stream of visitors.
After F died, and dm got frail, we arranged a weekly gardener, cleaner, farm foods delivery and mobile hair dresser and assorted others to visit, so there were always people around.

I live fairly local to mine so I pop in a couple of times a week and have him over for dinner every week or two.

I think given your circumstances you’re doing all you can.