How often do you visit elderly parents

[MissCeltic]

My parents live in an assisted living flat in a nursing home but they are not in the care side. I can’t drive due to a medical reason so they come over to me usually every two weeks. However my dad has dementia and what worries me is if something happens to my mum or when she has to give up driving I will only be able to afford to see them once a month.

There isn’t public transport on the route so I would need taxis and it’s a £40 round trip. I live in my own so I can’t afford that every week and I know only seeing them once a month makes me seem like a terrible daughter. I also have mental health issues so the constant worrying about this is making me so stressed.

There is no right answer to this, OP. It can range from "never" to "every day", because everyone is different. Nobody should feel under any obligation, you just do what works for you.

If your mum would get a taxi to you once a month or pay for your taxi once a month and you pay the other time you would be able to see her once a fortnight which would probably make you and her feel better. Of course this depends on whether your mother is able to afford the other Taxi. If she doesn't get Attendance Allowance I would look into that to see if she is eligible. My mum (aged 94) now needs taxis to leave the house to go anywhere if I'm not available and attendance allowance has been a good help in making her pension go further and I feel less guilty if I can't do something for her that day. Her mobility is very limited now.

To answer your question about how often I see her it's every week. We bring her over for Sunday lunch every week, do her shopping, get her to most medical appointments, take her out occasionally but I am local. We all do what we can and, while she is fairly independent for her age at present, I'm dreading the day when more is required and don't know yet where my boundaries will be. 💐

If it’s only £20 each way it can’t be very far, I would look into whether there’s any volunteer driver schemes in your area, my dh volunteers for ours, that said even our nearest hospital is £30 in the taxi each way (8 miles). Also check to see if there’s a ring and ride scheme (or book online) we can get a minibus to the next town for £2 prebooked because there’s no buses

I visit every other day. Mine are 85 and 82. Mum was diagnosed with parkinsons last year, and is deteriorating- dementia and mobility are worst, but continence and swallowing issues are becoming a problem.
So far, I've managed to persuade them to have a gardener, cleaner and got a blue badge and attendence allowance.
I do a lot of driving for them and shopping.
Fortunately they are well off, but my mum is as tight as a gnats chuff and was complaining about the lack of yellow sticker meat in tesco.
My sister who lives 2 hours away had the neck to tell me I could do more.
There's no measure of how often you should visit.

Thank you for all the advice I really appreciate it.

Gosh I would hate to think my child would only see me once a month 😔

Not as often as I should. DF is 87 and lives 3 1/2 hours away. I am only child so no one to share visiting with. He is fit and active. He is pleased to see us but doesn’t make us welcome to stay in his house- only a sofa bed in spare room, doesn’t let me use his cooker etc. He is currently visiting us for 12 days and counting hours until I can take him back on Friday as our lives are so different to his. I feel quite anxious about the future as it is going to get worse.

DPs live an hour away and are now very elderly. Before their health complaints really ramped up I visited once a fortnight, now either DH or I go at least once a week ( only DC). It’s horrendous and despite having carers they really should be in a home and I absolutely hate visiting them as I am no longer their DD just someone to do their tasks and assess how much worse they and the house are every time I visit.

Just do what you can. If they are financially comfortable could they pay your taxi fares to visit them ?

Live an hour away. When things are going well I visit them once a week.

However it's been more than that recently as DM has had various health issues, including likely dementia, and needs to be accompanied to all medical appointments because she can't remember what happened afterwards.

She is going into hospital for an operation next week so I'm now trying to organise a full time carer for DF but at this time of year it's very difficult.

Weekly. Was every four days but had to stop to save my sanity. Travel is 90 minutes each way, and add in two hours with Elderly Relative plus catch-up with carers and it wipes out a day.
An important factor is not being the only person in his life - other friends and relatives visit too. He is in a care home, but doesn't feel attached to anyone there.

This. SIL thought it would be great to have her parents next door as they aged. Ultimately she became their go-to and runaround for everything despite them being very well off and refusing to buy in help they could well afford. She ended up on antidepressants. It left a very poor legacy.

Awful Demons) Im glad my mam not too near you be run ragged.. I find Im tired mentally from negativity and demands. They get so selfish. 80s. I say if they live beside you you 24/7 demands

As a parent - I would always love to see the children but I am glad and proud that they have their own lives

you visiting once a month because you wanted to and that’s what you could manage is totally fine. If you could speak on the phone a few times in between that’s more than enough

once a week, sometimes twice if he’s coming into the city - we drive and at86 he still does too, lives 11 miles away

I speak to them every day sometimes a couple of times a day. At the moment I do see them every week because my mum is able to drive but eventually that won’t be the case and it will be difficult due to me not being able to drive.

You will be doing just grand - you are not terrible at all

Not helpful.
What if your child has a life that takes them hundreds or thousands of miles away? Or circumstances like the OP?
I had the guilt trip from parent when I was a teen that made me feel I shouldn't even consider widening my horizons.

Currently twice a day - my mother is 92, has been on her own since my dad died during the pandemic and has been declining cognitively very rapidly. I call her every morning to talk her through making her breakfast, go round at midday to make her lunch, she has carers come in the afternoon to make her tea, and then I go round in the evening to put her to bed.

Important caveats - I’m retired, live only 5 minutes away, and I drive. When I’m on holiday, I up the carer visits to 2-3 times a day.

Could parents perhaps help with the transport costs?
Are they tech savvy enough for video calls?

My mid70’s DM is in a nursing home (half an hour there in an uber, one hour bus home), I visit twice a week. Before she went into a home I visited every 2 or 3 days for a few years. Before that once a week for a few years.

She doesn’t know whom I am but does like me and I enjoy seeing her.

My mum is a 4.5hour drive away and refuses to move and the window of opportunity to do that is now gone.
DH and I work full time. We see her every couple of months.

MiL lives 200 miles away. It costs us around £500 every visit due to train fares, hotel stays and meals. SiL complains that we don't visit enough. She puts up other sister in her house when she visits but never offers same for us.

I asked this question to my friends as all of us have elderly parents, and the answer was usually twice a week.

I see them about twice a month, alternating weekends with my sister. We both work FT and live 1-1.5 hours away. They are about 80, DM dementia now in care home, DF lives at home. The last few months have involved a number of emergency visits and I used a lot of annual leave.